Option 2: To my knowledge, Simo has never scored more than one goal in a game, much less a full hat trick and absolutely never a game-winning, come from behind hat trick, so the first thing to do would be a simple check to make sure the player wearing the #74 Jaaskelainen jersey was actually him as opposed to somebody infinitely more offensively talented. If that test passes, medics will be on hand to take his blood and run it through a series of tests to check for traces of performance enhancing drugs, like the soul of much better scorers. If that still shows up nothing, the next protocol is to look outside and see whether the sky is boiling and the hand of Dread Cthulhu is not piercing the veil between worlds, because the end of days is the only explanation for why Simo "what is a shot on target" Jaaskelainen has a goddamn hat trick.

After that, idk, I guess celebrate.