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r0tzbua · 06-28-2021, 04:06 PM

Finn von Murphenstein, who was recently called up to his new team, landed a deal with a company that prides itself with producing the most realistic looking fruit and vegetable replicas in the market. These replicas made out of plastic are something that is very dear to Finn because he loves fruit and vegetables in his condo as a way to project himself looking very healthy to others without actually caring for them and no intention to actually eating them. They are a mere furniture item for him. Recently this company called "FruitRep Ltd." made the news for another reason though: People with very special needs have discovered you can use those replicas for things that they were not designed for. Especially the part where they insert them into special parts of themselves. That has opened the way for a lot of lawsuits when people realized these replicas were not made for insertion because the paint that is used on them would rub off and is harmful to people. Also a kid somewhere in Illinois ate a plastic banana and his mom sued the hell out of the company which was required to recall all of them and add some more warning labels like "not made for insertion".

*Reno* · 06-28-2021, 04:16 PM

163 words

Evgeni Petrov was sponsored by the government of Canada to start selling eggs. The issue in regards to this was that the eggs Petrov were designed to sell weren’t your standard chicken eggs. The issue with the eggs that Petrov was given was that they were Xenomorph eggs from the movie Alien. For those of you that are not familiar with Xenomorphs, those are the big scary murder aliens that burst out of your chest. I feel like the reason for the recall was obvious, instead of getting eggs for an omlette in the morning, Grandma got an alien parasite in the gut that exploded out of her chest during dinner ruining the casserole. Tis a shame. When reached out to for questioning by the media afterwards, Evgeni Petrov was reported to be extremely excited at the chance to hunt down a Xenomorph for a change as opposed to his normal deer, and that he apologized for the lost relatives in alien incidents.

***DrunkenTeddy*** · 06-28-2021, 04:35 PM

Early in his career Robert Phelps got an endorsement deal with a countertop grilling system, similar to the george foreman grill, but the difference was it hooked onto the edge of your counter and the grease dropped down into a container, that way you could put an organics bin under it and make the cleanup easier. Unfortunately there was a sort of manufacturing defect that wasn't noticed until the Phelps Grill hit the market. There was a bit of a lip at the bottom of the grease shoot that caused the grease to shoot out instead of dropping down, so right when it got to crotch height it would shoot right out. Needless to say it didn't take long for the grill to claim it's first victim. When Dale Abernathy of Denver Colorado burned himself so badly that the doctors in his local hospital count come close to repairing the damage, the product was immediately pulled from shelves and never returned to market.

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*leviadan* · 06-28-2021, 05:36 PM

Burlok's Secret Stuff Sports Drink was recalled for, what I think was not a fault of ours but a fault of the CDC's. The plan was to sell a fruit flavoured electrolyte-rich beverage that was infused with a thimble full of Burlok's sweat in every bottle. I guess they thought this was a marketing stunt or something? Because nobody raised any red flags through the research and development process. Maybe they thought I couldn't possibly sweat enough to put a thimble in millions of drinks? Let me tell you I did all that and I still have some left over. Anyway when it finally made it to market and people read the label they were not happy. The CDC and the BBB went on record saying they thought I'd never actually bring the idea to market and that I had to shutter my sweat collecting factory immediately. Huge bummer for the folks that worked there. Really feel like this all could have been avoided if they'd taken me seriously.

Matteo · 06-28-2021, 05:58 PM

Dear valued customer,

We are writing to inform you that Funko Holdings LLC is issuing a recall on all Mat Smith bobbleheads.

It has come to our attention that much like the player on the ice, the bobblehead has a tendency to lose its hockey stick which could then become a choking hazard for all children and infants. We are currently aware of at least 10 instances of individuals being hospitalized due to this product, so if you own one then please visit funko.com/matsmithisachokinghazard, or call our customer support line at 1-800-mat-ouch.

We are aware of the recent Wikipedia fiasco that took place, in which Mat Smith, among other Simulation Hockey League players, were the target of a campaign by the rivaling Slash Hockey League to defame and generally illegitimize them. Please be assured that this message is not a joke alluding to this incident, this is a serious issue that could affect you or your family member so do not hesitate to contact us and we will cover the return costs of shipping for you.

Play safe and have a nice day!

Funko Holdings LLC

PS Mat Smith sux lmap what a choker

Vikian · 06-28-2021, 06:01 PM

Zhen Roza always loved gum. You can always see him chewing gum before games, between intermissions, during interviews, out in the street. “Chewing gum has seemed to always calm me down, and let my brain focus on chewing and destressing myself. So when a local company in Anaheim asked me to help promote a brand new gum by the people of Big Chew. I immediately jumped on it”. For Roza it seemed like a great deal, and the first week was going smoothly and the business was booming, and just getting his face on something seemed like the dream. Then came the text messages that maybe he needs to get a lawyer as there were reports of the gum making people turn purple and getting overinflated. “I had no idea how to react. I was dumbfounded. It seemed just right out of Willy Wonka. I didn't know who to call, what to do and how to even approach my next step. Obviously I am going to help anyone affected by the Big Chew Big Blue effect. But right now I urge people to not consume the product”.

Keenan · 06-28-2021, 07:19 PM

Sit down as I regale you with the tale of the unfortunate venture of Goode food. The concept was simple enough, good food advertised by a professional hockey player. Hockey players, being humans, like food. Everyone wins! Until the product came out...

Our initial pitch had the label reading "Goode" food. The quotation marks drawing attention to the fact that these foods are endorsed by SMJHL star Gregory Goode. Unfortunately, when the first products came out for testing both Goode and Food were in quotation marks. When pushed they explained that their legal team insisted since what was inside wasn't technically food, at least in the traditional sense. They stressed it was still "safe" to each, though it was weird that we could see the quotation marks around safe, even though it was an entirely verbal conversaton.

After that debacle we checked out the nutrition facts and were shocked to see that the serving size included the can that it came in. Of course we asked about that, but were given the answer that if they didn't include the can there would be absolutely no nutritional value in the contained slop. As a matter of fact due to the saliva needed to drive it down one's throat, it would somehow be a net loss in nutrition.

Needless to say we got the hell out of there, but not before a few cans found their way into a shipping container. If seen in the store avoid at all costs!

Tylar · 06-28-2021, 07:30 PM

Liam Slate got a sponsorship deal with Riot Games to give away free smurf accounts. This promotion was to promote the fact that the game is thriving and give people a chance to do the famous challenge accounts where players can climb from the bottom all the way to the top. Generally smurfing is frowned upon but Riot Games is trying to get viewership on content up. This promotion was lasting two weeks. Liam Slate was excited as he loves watching League of Legends content although he is trash at the game. The problem is that this sponsorship had to be recalled due to a rise in toxicity and players reporting serious period of sadness after the game. It was found that this promotion made players in lower match making levels sad and they quit the game altogether doing the opposite for the game. Riot games realized they had to recall this sponsorship du to backlash and a downward trend in their game.

(163 words)

***Toast*** · 06-28-2021, 07:43 PM

PBE Affiliation

Duff101 · 06-28-2021, 08:35 PM

The Book of PTs Chapter 2

1 And lo I say unto you I am the LORD your God

2 Avoid ye drinking the nectar of the toad

3 For it is wicked and created from evil

4 For though it claims to contain sustenance it is the product of falsehood

5 The great athletes of the realm of Atlanta may claim it has properties of everlasting life

6 But I the LORD am the only source of everlasting life

7 Believe not the sorcerers and charlatans who peddle such remedies for they are only tempters to the path of Satan

8 Know this, the nectar of the toad is most unsanctified and comes from an unholy place, the excrement of one of the foul creatures of the earth.

9 If thou wishest to return the foul product thou canst to any local merchant in exchange for coon of your choice.

10 Thou cannot take thy grievance to the courts, for they have no power in the eyes of the LORD.

Credit to Geck, Ragnar and Juni for sigs

canes2112 · 06-28-2021, 08:53 PM

Grape Fruit has gotten a sponsorship with the local farmer's market to advertise fresh produce. The only oversight is there is actually no grapefruit available in the whole farmer's market. People were outraged to find the only grapefruit present was on the promotional posters. To remedy this, the farmer's market provided stuffed grapefruit stress balls as an apology. Unfortunately, the paint used on these balls contained chemicals very harmful to the farmers market so all the produce died, resulting in huge losses for the farmer's market and their venders. Now the farmer's market and Grape Fruit's reputations are permanently damaged from the lack of planning and poor execution in this marketing campaign. Additionally, everyone who actually touched the stress balls had their hands turn a bright citrus orange color that has not come off with multiple washing attempts. Some are calling it the mark of the grapefruit, similar to the black spot on Pirates of the Caribbean .

Shmurph · 06-28-2021, 10:33 PM

Z-Whiz · 06-28-2021, 11:19 PM

Okay, look, first things first, this is not my fault and explanation of the situation is not an acceptance of guilt. My lawyers have advised me not to comment, but I owe my faithful fans the story from my side of the pond. Anyway, I always get asked by the kids what it’s like to fly, so I began working with the world-famous wingsuit manufacturer EZ Flyerz. We started branding them as wingsuits with duck feathers which were supposed to help the user stay in the air longer and more successfully gain altitude instead of only descending. Well, we may have used too many feathers and they become very popular in the furry community. I do not really want to get into too many more details or say too much more because I do not want to kink shame. Anyway, the product has been pulled for now until we do a bit of rebranding. FYI, they’re still hella dope wingsuits, you might just get confused for a duck when you land.

Dextaria · 06-28-2021, 11:32 PM

Ryosuke Sato has always been a fan of cereal and when the "Puck Nuts" came out with their own honey nut flavoured cereal, they asked Sato if he would be interested in being on the cereal box for their recent SHL promotion. This was before the season had started, winners would find a special ticket inside their cereal box which they could claim to get a seasons pass to the Toronto North Stars S60 season and get to meet and spend time with Ryosuke Sato. Boxes were flying off the shelves and then news broke that the first person won the prize! Sato was happy to hear that and he knew that there were just 4 more tickets to be found, but before he knew it, another winner popped up... and another one... and another one... soon it amounted to 10 winners! Puck Nuts quickly realized that an intern has mistakenly printed 50 copies instead of 5 copies of the ticket (interns am I right?) so more and more winners were popping up! Not only was this the case, but the boxes also were not sealed properly so families were complaining about the cereal being stale and bad coming in open packaging in the boxes. Of course Puck Nuts explained the situation and recalled the remaining boxes on the shelves to sort the issue out before it was too late. As for the extra winners, after talking with the Toronto North Stars and Ryosuke Sato, Sato knew he did not want to disappoint the fans and offered to still spend his time with everyone that won to this point (the tickets were subsidized by Puck Nuts still). With this fiasco over, Sato got to enjoy the night with some fans and got Puck Nuts to sort out the negative press that him and the team may have gotten. I think it's safe to say that the fans didn't hold it against the North Stars for long, but the cereal brand had to gain their trust again, Sato included.

***frithjofr*** · 06-29-2021, 02:27 AM

PT Pass

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