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***Inf1d3l*** · 10-28-2018, 05:59 AM

A Satirical Look at the SHL – Barret McCarthy

#1 – Buffalo Stampede

Ok, so let’s throw this out there now. I’m not entirely sure many things stampede anymore these days, with the exception of your fans attempting to exit the arena. However, compared to some of the other team names, yours is definitely not the worst. It even makes sense in a sentence form, such as ’the buffalo stampede across the plains.’ See, makes total sense. I’ve never seen a buffalo with skates on though, with the exception of Jordin FourFor Jr. That boy needs a diet and fast. I’m guessing he has an endorsement with Taco Bell. On the bright side, that belly can be awful useful for extra padding…

Conor McGregor is here too, and either he has the most unfortunate timing for that name, or he’s given up on MMA and boxing to move on to a sport which, based on his performance, he would be better off not playing. And how does someone with a name like that go through an entire season without recording a single hit? I mean, you would have to bump into someone on accident at least once in a fifty game season wouldn’t you?

Cash Savage is the story of a small town rapper who, unsurprisingly, failed in his music career and had a back-up plan. Unfortunately for him, he abandoned that back-up plan and decided to play hockey instead. But hey, at least you’re getting paid to warm those benches my friend, good on ya!

GOD McZehrl, surprisingly not much of an ego on a guy with that sort of name. His parents however, Adam and Eve McZehrl, have a serious superiority complex. It’s like they put out a rotten apple into the world and he snaked his way into the league.

Alexis Metzler, you I want to rip into so badly, but look at those stats! One hundred and fifty three hits and eighty six penalty minutes, you really want to be the sadist in a relationship don’t you? Though it’s hard to tell, with eighty one blocked shots, maybe you like to switch to masochist every now and then too?

Quick Mafs, I’m having a hard time with this one. Either you’re the child of astrophysicists, which considering your shot percentages doesn’t seem likely, or Texas Instruments created an android to play the game. Either way, your battery is running dead.

Finally Tatu Mäkelä, I can put symbols above letters too. Dõéś ťħåŧ ɱɐķĕ ɰɘ special? Sorry, I stopped caring about that halfway through, roughly the amount of time fans stop caring about your performance on the ice. How many jerseys did the team get wrong before they finally got you the correct spelling?

Considering the Stampede as a whole, they had a decent last season, followed by a disappointing run in the playoffs. Considering their upcoming season, the tone will likely stay the same. Even if they do improve in their conference, their complete overall losing record against the west won’t bode well for them if they reach the finals, which is about as likely as seeing a happy person in the city of Buffalo.

(All of the stats, opinions, and thoughts about teams and their players are completely fake, and are meant as satire and nothing more.)

(550 words)

Chris-McZehrl · 10-28-2018, 09:44 AM

but I am THE GOD and not Jesus! he is my puppet!

Angel

***Inf1d3l*** · 10-28-2018, 10:47 AM

10-28-2018, 09:44 AMChris-McZehrl Wrote: but I am THE GOD and not Jesus! he is my puppet!

Sorry I didn't make the proper distinction there

Slappydoodle · 10-28-2018, 11:39 AM

*CptSquall* · 10-28-2018, 12:21 PM

Can't wait to see what you do for Toronto at this rate.

Avakael · 10-29-2018, 08:19 AM

I guarantee you Alexis Metzler has never once felt the touch of a woman outside of when Volkova, Landvik, Maximova or Taylor dumps him into the boards. Also, Georgette Pel hi-fived him once, but he doesn't remember why.

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