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sharksisback · 02-01-2019, 08:23 PM

If we at the Halifax Gazette could use one word to describe this series, it would be “draining”. Everyone in Halifax was coming off of the high of beating Anaheim in dominating fashion and expected some fight against Detroit. In the first two games, it was miserable and everyone felt that shiver of old Halifax demons coming back. The Raiders just couldn’t hang with the Falcons. Then in game 3, everyone had that hope come flooding back, only to be dashed by a Falcons powerplay goal after Jimmy Slothface took a roughing penalty in overtime. Where is that Raiders team that turned it around?

They showed up in Game 4. Local loudmouth alcohol and surprising fan favourite, Troy Reynolds, refused to apologize for his controversial comments prior to the series. No one knows the motive behind Reynolds’ outburst against the Detroit Falcons. Some say that he wanted to create an intense rivalry. Others say that he drank about 3 drinks too many and just decided to piss someone off. Neither seems to be out of the realm of possibility, this is the same Troy Reynolds who flipped a car, hung “missing” posters of Casimir Stevens following a win against Vancouver, and had a drug kingpin arrested after Halifax’s first win of the season. The point is Troy Reynolds is among the world’s elite shit stirrers, and this may have been the straw that broke Detroit’s back.

Following his refusal to apologize, along with even more trash talk, the Raiders came to play on home ice. If they’re going to lose, they won’t let it happen here. Captain Dom Montgomery opened up the scoring in the first period, but within a minute Stolp Skotsson tied it up. Mikael Choybuk would give the Raiders the lead at the end of the first period.

Now, the second period is where it got really ugly. Marc Palicka tied the game for the Falcons, but obviously the Raiders had gotten under their skin. Maybe it was Troy Reynolds’ harsh trash talk, maybe it was the physical play. Hell, maybe Sasha Zubovova was Detroit’s favourite Russian prostitute and they were angry that Matt Kholin may have killed her, allegedly. Either way, Jimmy Cahill of the Falcons let his emotions get the best of him and speared Troy Reynolds. Normally, we’d support all intentions and acts to injure the moron, but quite frankly this was too disgusting of an act. Jimmy Cahill is a dirty player, and should be suspended for at least one game. The last thing the SMJHL wants to do is normalize this behavior and a simple ejection is not a deterrent against this type of heinous play.

However, Troy Reynolds brought this upon himself. We’ll ignore the off-the-ice extracurriculars that don’t involve hockey. He didn’t just trash talk the Falcons, or the city of Detroit. He targeted players with the intent of pissing them off. Kit Smeb, Hippo Possamus and Lunga Gumba (that’s his name Troy, not Lingo Bingo) had every right to retaliate against him for his comments about them. But Jimmy Cahill isn’t any of those three players, so the assumption would be that those three are too valuable to risk losing for the rest of the game, right?

Wrong, only Hippo Possamus had a real impact on the game. Kit Smeb was actually spotted in tears after Perry Morgan skated by their bench in the 2nd period. We have yet to receive word of what caused this emotional event, but we can only assume that Perry Morgan said something that Reynolds told him to say.

There was still more hockey to be played though. Tobias Viklund opened up the third period scoring. His acquisition has been critical to the Raiders’ second half success, as before he arrived, the only forward who consistently checked opponents was Reynolds. Viklund is a freight train of a player and you have to stay out of his way. The Falcons got into the same trouble that the Outlaws got into. They took 6 penalties, including Cahill’s major penalty. To their credit, the Falcons penalty kill is much better than Anaheim’s.

The Falcons kept answering back, with Hippo Possamus striking 1 minute and 1 second after Viklund’s goal. No matter what Halifax did, Detroit had an answer for it. At this point, the Raiders needed production from their depth players. The veterans were producing but rookies were having issues. Finally, halfway through the period, Dylan Karlsson struck for his second goal of the playoffs with an assist from Matt Kholin, who received criticism for his lack of production during the playoffs after a sensational regular season.

About 30 seconds later, Tobias Viklund decided he wanted to punch somebody and chose Raino Kyllonen as his opponent. The two squared off and fought an even fight with no clear winner. The crowd still ate it up and you could hear someone yelling “FUCK HIM UP AND MAKE HIM THINK HE PLAYS FOR A REAL TEAM”. We’ll let you guess who said that.

The Raiders kept control for the rest of the third period, with Dom Montgomery finishing what he started with a late dagger in the third period.

We tried to catch up with numerous Falcons players for comments but were met by their coach who said they would not be open for questions tonight. We also tried to catch up with Raiders players, and got a few comments. But mostly from the loudmouth who got speared and none of those comments are suitable to be published. Knowing him, he’ll have enough to say on his own time. The rest of the comments were your hockey cliches like “they played a tough game and we just played tougher.” and “we did this for the fans”.

Game 5

I didn’t think that this series could possibly be back in Halifax for a Game 6, but it has happened. The Halifax Raiders have once again defeated the Detroit Falcons, 3-2. The rookie sensation, Matt Kholin has awoken from his slumber with a 3 point night, saving the Raiders season. We at the Halifax Gazette thought that this was impossible but maybe, just maybe, that absolute nut Troy Reynolds knew exactly what he was doing. The Falcons offensive output has been stifled since the apology refusal. If this keeps up, Troy Reynolds’ refusal to apologize may live in hockey lore alongside Mark Messier’s guarantee.

There really isn’t much to say here. But we must tell the people of Halifax to remain calm. We can’t get truly excited yet, it’s a recipe for disaster. That being said, get your asses to the arena and get loud. The Raiders are finally doing something worthwhile. To channel our inner Reynolds, let those Falcon sons of bitches know just how hated they are. The series is now 3-2 Detroit, or in the conspiracy theorists' minds, 5-0 Halifax.

In related news, Troy Reynolds has stated that another article is on the way. Godspeed you magnificent bastard.

Jim Jones
Halifax Gazette

Daco · 02-01-2019, 08:26 PM

How do you do this so fast wowwaweewa

bilbo · 02-01-2019, 08:28 PM

sharksisback · 02-01-2019, 08:29 PM

02-01-2019, 08:26 PMDaco Wrote: How do you do this so fast wowwaweewa

I had Game 4 all written up and hadn't posted, then we won Game 5 and I was like "SWEET JUST ADD IT ON".

*slothfacekilla* · 02-01-2019, 08:29 PM

When it is time for a new Troy article

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Kalakar · 02-01-2019, 08:30 PM

Quality and funny articles as always, keep writing them! raiders

***Tomen*** · 02-01-2019, 08:30 PM

raking in all that money with these articles

Thank you all for the amazing sigs & player cards
Germany

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