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Julio Tokolosh · 05-22-2019, 01:06 PM

Fake Awards for Real Smiles

Celebrating the absurd is something that has always appealed to me. Going a little further to make something unique is far more rewarding than churning something uninteresting out. The following is more "creative accounting" than it is "statistical analysis." For the most part, these awards are not reflective of the efforts put in but of the interesting results that simonT puts out. These awards are open to everyone in the J. The whalers are the only team to not have a player nominated for one of these time-wasting paragraphs, maybe if the Raptors don't suck so much next year, everyone can join in the fun.

Skaters:

Green Jacket:
The highest honor in golf is given to the competitor with the lowest score. The green jacket is a symbol of success at an elite level. Unfortunately, golf and hockey are scored inversely, so this award goes to the player with the lowest plus/minus.
Mikelis Ozolins ( Raptors

@mastorino ). Honestly, the entire Raptor’s roster gets an honorable mention for this award. Mikelis was a good soldier that played some tough minutes against some unforgiving lines. 19:38 per night as a rookie is a tough go. 20% shooting implies that he knows how to pick at least some of his shots.

John Marston’s Vest:
Spoiler alert, he dies. This award goes to the player who has taken the most rounds to the chest, no matter the cause. If pucks were bullets this player would bleed out on his homestead while his wife and son escaped.
Charlie Serpe ( Scarecrows

@Serpe x 13 ) put his body on the line and was rewarded for it with a front spanking 75 times.

Can We Try It Without A Condom?:
I hear it feels a little bit better, and the magazine that I found says that its better for reproduction, but this hasn't been proven yet. Everyone knows condoms are there to make you last a little longer, but they also help with cleanup. A quick granny knot and a finger slingshot out the car window on your way to drop her off at her mom’s house is all you need. The condom did its job, but you also did yours. The act of sex isn’t complete until those shots are taken. While scoring the goal might be the biologically advantageous thing to do, sometimes you want to just crank one onto a defense person’s chest (the Bible refers to this an act of sodomy). This award goes to the player who had the most shots of his or hers blocked.
Commander Shepherd ( Militia

@LarksTongue ) unleashed 176 ropes this year and 59 of them hit a player on the opposing team (not including the goaltender). 112 missed the net as well. Shepherd is just one randy bastard.

Cheech and Chong Award:
This award goes to the cats who hit the most pipes over the course of the season. As I’ve written this, there is no easy way to determine who the winner is because our index doesn’t track it. I have awarded it as follows:
Eric Vanderberg ( Raptors

@Vandy ) and Knute Knurtsson ( Raptors

@Ason94 ) who generated a respectable amount of offense, but not enough to carry their team’s goal differential anywhere near 1 standard deviation. Going bar north is the only explanation.

Ten Ply Award:
This is the golden standard for plush toilet paper. Picture a soft puffy square on a dry and chilly day. Now picture 10 of those, stacked atop one another, within your grip of choice. That is how soft you would be if you lead the league in lost fights. And that exactly what these two players are; “ten ply, bud”
Xena ( Armada

@Nickleback_lover69 ) and Franz Cooper ( Falcons

@Coops ), each with 2 lost fights. 100% more than the next ranking players. I would only watch them fight each other if it was in a kiddy pool filled with petroleum jelly.

Weekend at Bernies Award:
You’re only as good as the people that you surround yourself with. The WaB award goes to the inactive player who has done the most to help his or her team in terms of points. They might have died at the pregame, but they are still the life of the party. They might have signed off a season ago, but somehow this franchise wants to make another movie.
Xena ( Armada

@Nickleback_lover69 ) hasn’t signed on since February, but that hasn’t stopped her from performing like the top line corpse that she is treated as. A special nod goes out to the Kelowna Knights, who, from what I could tell, only had 2 points (1 goal) scored by inactive players this season. Props for doing it the right way.

Little Sibling Award:
Player 2 on the Dreamcast, second in line to use the razor scooter. It doesn’t matter if you were better at Tony Hawk or could do a sicker tail whip, you were the little sibling. All the punches in the arm add up to give you a calloused outlook on the world, and you’d do something if you weren’t so damn soft. Not like your big brother. He’s cool and tough and could beat up your big brother. This award recognizes the sucker that got most relentlessly beat on. Hopefully, it makes you better for it. Everyone could use some character building.
Matt Kholin ( raiders

@Kalakar ). It’s a good thing that injuries are turned off, or this little punk probably would have squealed to his mommy. “Waaaa, The Opposition hit me 131 times! That’s 17 more than the next guy.” “We’re you playing nice?” she’ll coo, in an attempt to calm you and bring you back to emotional balance. “I was!” you would whine back “I only took 121 shots all season, I get hit more than I generate offense!” “Now, now, Matthew, get cleaned up for supper, your brother, The Opposition, is setting the table, and your father is bringing home Boston Market”. *side note: Kholin was the only player to have more points than his/her team had points in the standings, a la Kucherov. But this isn’t about celebrating that, It’s about unwarranted chirps and shit posting*

Tony Ford Award:
Every team has a player who just absolutely stinks. Maybe it’s a culture fit, maybe it’s poor backchecking, maybe its selfish play, or a cruel combination of these. These are fundamentally flawed players that will not help your franchise and should be traded for assets as soon as possible. In season 48, when he was just a wee prospect, West Kendall got a sniff of Tony’s performance and promptly chopped him up and traded him as spare parts in order to acquire Sophia Bennett. Through plus/minus and taking penalties, these players have a long way to go.
Akashi SixNine ( Falcons

@FourFour ) got a combined 81 detrimental points, which was a herculean effort to outdo Tony Ford. almost as impressive was David Vent ( Knights

@ImShiny ) who strung together 75 negative helpers. Both paved the way for the player who couldn’t even win his own award, Tony Ford ( Armada

@Fordyford ) who’s -21 and 50 minutes in penalties combined for an aggregate score of 71 My-Favourite-Colour-is-Brown’s (MFCiB is the unit of measurement).

Cobra Commander:
The pinnacle of cartoon villainy ruled the minds and occasionally the weather of 80’s children everywhere. He came close to complete world control multiple times. Despite the chaos and terror that he was responsible for spreading across recognizable landmarks of the world, he is ultimately remembered for the shots that he missed. He and his army recorded zero targets hit over 95 episodes (which was only broken up into 2 seasons. That's nuts). This award goes to the player(s) whose shots come dangerously close to hitting the rectangle, but not quite.
Austin Roenick ( Lions

@XLeafer ) and Filip Zadina ( Scarecrows

@jjlangabeer ) tie with 130 shots that banged into the glass. Both scored a whole mess of goals, too. Maybe they just shoot too hard and it either goes in or scares the kid in the front row when it knocks his hot chocolate over. Either way, the goalies aren’t touching it.

Nicolas Cage Award:
The movie Face/Off scored a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes, but with Travolta and Nic Cage inside of each other the whole time, I’d score it closer to a 69. The winner of this award will be happy to be anywhere near those numbers next year, as the award goes to the lowest faceoff percentage player with at least 100 faceoff attempts.
Loki Odinsson ( Raptors

@Raziel ) won 30.87% of attempts from the dot. With a team that performed as Colorado did, it makes sense that the steady shuffling would afford a player to get that many attempts. Surprisingly, the rest of the team did respectably. Kelowna exhales a deep sigh of relief. One, as they pass the Raptors and move onto the second round. Two, as they have no players above 50%. “Thanks for taking the heat” whispers Sodderberg @sköldpaddor, Kelowna’s captain, as they shake hands.

Bill Cosby Award:
This award is named in honor of a beloved icon who preached family values, hard work, and doing things the right way. Until one day, the facade came crashing down and people (including a jury) realized he had taken a few shots while the goalie was pulled. I had a few more crude jokes to make but I’ll cut it off here, If the first 2 finishers weren’t "women", I was probably going to find a friendlier award name.
Congratulations to Xena ( Armada

@Nickleback_lover69 ) with 3, and Boruvka Banananak ( Lions

@PeanutButter ) with 2. What a moment for women in the league. Also, wild fact: Cosby had 59 honorary degrees stripped from him. That's so many. How many graduations did he speak at per year? All while finding time to cheat on his wife and drug girls? His message is less consistent than the graphic graders, amiright?

Trade Bait/Rent's Paid Award:
The trade deadline is when things get kicked into high hear, the New York Ranger’s migrate South to Tampa Bay, the Pittsburgh Penguins start trying, and the Raptor's sell the shop. These moves shape the landscape of the years to come, as players are traded for players and assets, all in the hope for a better chance at lifting the Scarecrow birthright; the Four-Star Cup. This award goes to the player who has done the least to help his new team since getting moved OR has done the least since not getting traded (not really measurable currently).
Liam Hutchinson ( Lions

from

@Sir__Magoo ) scored 1 point in his adventures after the trade deadline. He actually has played respectably in regards to offense generated and defense plays made. This award was also to look for someone who did not get traded (seemingly because of their production) but there wasn’t a great way to measure if anyone had a steep drop off.

Creamed Jeans Award:
Not everyone can be a cool and sexy guy like TJ Oshie, American hero. With his Olympic feats, Stanley Cup memories, emotional ties to this year’s Blues, and a smokeshow wife, TJ definitely, has it all figured out. He definitely doesn’t prematurely ejaculate (those two daughters of his were planned, and their conception was under his biological control), and when he does, it’s on purpose because he has somewhere else to be. His stamina is evidenced by his play in the clutch, particularly penalty/shootout shots. At a career 42/80 with 20 shootout deciders, he has the highest percentage of players that have taken more than 20 shots ever. He definitely doesn’t blow his load once he gets the blonde naked. The recipient of this award has given more That-never-happens,-I-swear.-It’s-just-because-you’re-so-pretty's than the rest of us.
Shamefully similar, I will let you be the judge: Hiro Fujikawa ( Outlaws

, @"Marley" 1/9) Gabster the Magnificient ( Falcons

, @Barboustache 0/8) and Aleksandr Scherback ( Knights

, @jjaybs 2/10) each found their own way to make a mess.

Friendzone Award:
Ser Jorah Mormont fought admirably for many seasons, however, he got spoilered before he could make his move on the mother of dragons. He never got the Hand-Job-of-the-Queen that Khal Drogo loved so much before he got spoilered too. This player recorded the most points without getting awarded a first-star of a game.
Martjin Westbroek ( Outlaws

@JNH ) scored 47 points for his team this season. He was awarded four 2nd-stars, and one 3rd-star, but was never determined to be the best player in any of the games that he played in. At the end of the game he just gets a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for being so nice. You’re like a brother to me!” his stomach sinks, he just needs a little more time to show the game the “real him.”

Goalies:

Just Use a Garbage Bin Award:
The only reason squid got to hang out with the cool kids on Rocket Power was because he had quick hands and a quicker chest. While a goalie’s save percentage is often a reflection of a team’s defensive effort, the “Penalty Shot Save Percentage” is fair in determining who has got a quick paddle vs. who just got walked. Goalie must have faced at least 6 Penalty/shootout shots.
Alex Thorstrom ( Raptors

@Jesster ) earns his team another piece of hardware. Giving these awards to rookies puts a foul taste in my mouth, but with a respectable 54% as a rookie, it’s more of a title than a punishment. This will be fun to look at when he is hoisting the Four-Star next year.

Jason Voorhees Award:
A mask, a machete, and probably some social quirks. Jason is just like the eccentric goalie in your locker room, except your goalie lies about his kill count, and Jason stopped counting a few decades ago. The JVA goes to the slash-happy goalie who collects the most penalties in minutes in the regular season.
Tibuk Soonika ( Outlaws

@chetib ) ran away with the award this season with 8 minutes in penalties, doubling the next closest goaltender. There is no way of confirming this, other than going back and checking each game log, but I’m going to assume at least one of the penalties was a bench minor for abuse of an official.

Worst Forward:
The opposite of Alex Ovechkin making the all-star team at right wing and left wing based on his statistics would be a goalie getting voted as the least productive forward because their stat line stood out as that of a forward, not of a goalie.
Mike McKorsy ( raiders

@Flames1848 ) ended the season with 6 points. 2 assists and 4 empty net goals were enough to tie him with the 9th highest scoring forward. Put Mike on the third line!

Thank you for reading, I encourage you to contribute better potential awards for the next write-up shit-post.

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