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*leviadan* · 01-24-2020, 11:51 AM

1055 Words - 2x First Media Bonus - Ready for Grading

Congratulations, champ! You finally got the big promotion you've been waiting for. That's right, you're an SMJHL draft pick and you're finally going to play with the big boys. Certainly not the biggest boys, that day will come soon, but for now: you're playing with the big boys.

My name's Burlok Sulfurgold, and welcome to my master class.

In this class we're going to take you from powdered doughnut to power forward. Gone are the days of leisurely chasing the puck up and down the rink without a care in the world. You're an adult now! You have to think about systems and responsibilities! Lucky for you, that's where I come in. By the end of this lesson an astute power forward will have learned what to expect in the offensive zone, how to behave, and most importantly: how to set up a respectable corner office.

As a fledgeling power forward, you're going to want to get acquainted with the offensive zone. This zone is your zone, power forward. This is where you make your money. Let's have a look.

[Image: OZONE.jpg]

There you have it! The offensive zone. Isn't she a beauty? Take time to absorb this image. Get to know her intricacies! What does she like? What does she do for a living? Does she want a family? The better you know the offensive zone, the better you can do your job as a power forward. Take care to notice the thin red streak that demarcates the goal line, and then take your eyes north. That vaguely banana shaped area back behind the net is where you'll do most of your work.

On a typical day, pucks will come careening down the boards before coming to a stop somewhere in that area. Typically there will be a defender there first, but you, my sweet power forward, will be on his back. You need to get there as soon as you possibly can to start creating havoc. Even if you can do nothing else on your shift, this is the one thing you absolutely must do. You will make the life of the defenders miserable. I don't care if they ring it around to the other defensemen, if they flip it up off the glass, or if they pick up the puck with their teeny little hands and run to the bench. You will be in dogged pursuit. You will never quit on a puck when it's in this weird banana shaped zone. If you do, you will have not only failed me-- but every other power forward alive.

With that in mind, we can start piecing together our corner office. As we've discussed, the incoming pucks will land somewhere behind the goal line, and that is where you get to business. So let's indicate where the work comes in, and where we start to do it:

[Image: OZONE2.jpg]

Perfect. Now ideally you'll get your work done quickly and competently at your desk, and in that case you ship it off express. In a perfect world, all of my power forwards would send every puck in an express shipment to the front of the net. But let's be realistic about things: sometimes a defender is pesky. Sometimes you lose your edge and have to chase down your prey. Sometimes your defender believes themselves to be your equal (they are wrong) and so decide to battle with you until their inevitable downfall. This is not rare, but it is a shame. We have systems in place to take care of such situations.

Behind the net and right against the boards is where you make your final stand. Here the defender will be pinned, pushed, slashed, slammed and smooched until they give you the puck. Even the toughest assignments can be completed behind the net, which is why I like to call this area the liquor cart. I've never had a project at work that I couldn't finish with the help of rye, and goddammit the same goes for hockey. If it can't get done in the corners it gets done behind the net. If I can't come up with a slogan for new winter gloves at my desk I'll drink until it comes to me. It's a one-to-one analogy.

[Image: OZONE3.jpg]

No matter what, the puck gets to the front of the net. If you did your job quickly enough and with a keen eye for detail, this should give one of your teammates a prime scoring chance. If they score: fantastic! If they don't and the puck bounces to your desk, then you start work again. And lo, the cycle continues.

But what if it goes to your team's defenders? Or your winger on the side boards? That, my friend, is when you get to go have fun in the lounge. The lounge is what I call the area right in front of the net. It's like a McDonald's Playplace™, but for big burly power forward boys. You plop down in your lounge area and you put your feet up. It's your god given right to set up camp right there in front of that net, and if anyone tries to disturb you in your lounge, you throw them out on their butt.

While you're in the lounge, make yourself as big and relaxed as you can so the pucks bounce off you every which way and (hopefully) into the net. You're in the lounge now baby, you can swing your stick around, jump up and down, shoot snow everywhere, who cares? It's your lounge and nobody can stop you. All you have to do here is lay out trespassers, and bang home pucks. With that being said, let's add the pièce de résistance to our corner office.

[Image: corneroffice.jpg]

Voilà! My good young power forward, if you've made it this far, I applaud you. What a journey it's been! To think that just minutes ago you were a complete moron without an office. Look at you now! You've got pucks in deep and a gorgeous view of the city. If you follow these simple tips, I can assure you will play at least one game in the SMJHL. After that? All bets are off.

What's that? How many games have I played in the SMJHL? Uhm...

Thank you, young power forward, for attending my master class. Until next time.

Burlok Sulfurgold.

***WannabeFinn*** · 01-24-2020, 11:56 AM

SKREEE

*Katth* · 01-24-2020, 11:58 AM

Good stuff!

S50 Challenge Cup Finals Game 7
[Image: gNFVjT6.png]

**_Blitz_** · 01-24-2020, 12:13 PM

Rivalries aside, this is a great article. Well done.

*leviadan* · 01-24-2020, 12:23 PM

01-24-2020, 12:13 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote: Rivalries aside, this is a great article. Well done.

Rivalries aside, I appreciate this comment.

Rivalries not aside? I don't appreciate this comment. Not one bit.

reid · 01-24-2020, 12:33 PM

01-24-2020, 12:23 PMleviadan Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:13 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote: Rivalries aside, this is a great article. Well done.

Rivalries aside, I appreciate this comment.

Rivalries not aside? I don't appreciate this comment. Not one bit.

You did just detail how we are gonna kick their ass in the winter classic Falcons

**_Blitz_** · 01-24-2020, 12:37 PM

01-24-2020, 12:33 PMreid_sutherland Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:23 PMleviadan Wrote: Rivalries aside, I appreciate this comment.

Rivalries not aside? I don't appreciate this comment. Not one bit.
You did just detail how we are gonna kick their ass in the winter classic

*leviadan* · 01-24-2020, 12:46 PM

01-24-2020, 12:37 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:33 PMreid_sutherland Wrote: You did just detail how we are gonna kick their ass in the winter classic

I could mount a giant LED display on my head that detailed every move I was about to make, and they still wouldn't be able to stop me. Ninja

**_Blitz_** · 01-24-2020, 12:53 PM

01-24-2020, 12:46 PMleviadan Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:37 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote:

I could mount a giant LED display on my head that detailed every move I was about to make, and they still wouldn't be able to stop me.

Just because you put it on your forehead doesn't mean you can do it. Detroit's been surprising people with ineptitude for a while now.

*leviadan* · 01-24-2020, 12:58 PM

01-24-2020, 12:53 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:46 PMleviadan Wrote: I could mount a giant LED display on my head that detailed every move I was about to make, and they still wouldn't be able to stop me.
Just because you put it on your forehead doesn't mean you can do it. Detroit's been surprising people with ineptitude for a while now.

**_Blitz_** · 01-24-2020, 01:07 PM

01-24-2020, 12:58 PMleviadan Wrote:
01-24-2020, 12:53 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote: Just because you put it on your forehead doesn't mean you can do it. Detroit's been surprising people with ineptitude for a while now.

Well-played, for a Flying Monkey. I'm surprised it took so long for you to think of the "Wizard of Oz" to be honest. It's not particularly unexpected or original, which puts it right in the Falcon wheelhouse.

*leviadan* · 01-24-2020, 01:32 PM

01-24-2020, 01:07 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote: Well-played, for a Flying Monkey. I'm surprised it took so long for you to think of the "Wizard of Oz" to be honest. It's not particularly unexpected or original, which puts it right in the Falcon wheelhouse.

I think it takes us so long to think of insults for St. Louis because we never think about St. Louis. It's tough to make fun of something completely irrelevant.

reid · 01-24-2020, 01:36 PM

01-24-2020, 01:32 PMleviadan Wrote:
01-24-2020, 01:07 PMCapt_Blitzkrieg Wrote: Well-played, for a Flying Monkey. I'm surprised it took so long for you to think of the "Wizard of Oz" to be honest. It's not particularly unexpected or original, which puts it right in the Falcon wheelhouse.

I think it takes us so long to think of insults for St. Louis because we never think about St. Louis. It's tough to make fun of something completely irrelevant.

This winter classic is gonna be lit... Falcons in 4

**_Blitz_** · 01-24-2020, 01:42 PM

We'll have to see. You're good guys, for some Birds.

*roastpuff* · 01-24-2020, 01:50 PM

I like your corner office metaphors. Great article!

If power forwards have a corner office, what do us defencemen have then?

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