McCarthy Dogs - Barret McCarthy and Cloud McCarthy, both SHL & SMJHL alumni (Cloud less so because he had an injury early in his career that forced him to retire after attempting to carry the Halifax Raiders on his back for two seasons) both have enjoyed their retirements so far, though Barret has only been out of the league a few months now. Cloud had started a successful food truck outside the arena in Halifax after his retirement, but chose not to follow the Raiders as they moved to Maine. As Barret was traded to Los Angeles in the waning seasons of his career, Cloud decided that supporting his family was still more important than tradition, and moved his business to the Panthers arena. Now, after Barret's retiring, the brothers operate a pair of trucks on opposite sides of the arena, with one goal in mind, sell more than the other brother. The two share a love of the sport and donate much of their proceeds to local food banks!
Background
This fake Greek player really originated from the armpit of the world, in New Jersey. Claiming to be of Greek origins, this scrub looks like he was pulled off of the Jersey Shore TV show and tossed on the ice with the hopes he'd eventually find the right goal to be shooting towards. Sized like small ogre, the 6'0, 190 pound winger seems to have had no clue as to what he wanted to do in hockey - spending all his time standing in one spot and shooting pucks at the net like some fucking 3 year old learning how to shoot a puck. It's no surprise he's listed as a perimeter shooter since he can't skate much further past the blue line and still make it back in time to appear like he's "back checking."
Accomplishments
Well we can happily leave this section blank! Athanasios is a bum!
Joseph Jason Fantobens. Born in the depths off hell to satan and a spawn of satan. You heard me he is inbreed. His tiny penis could not satisfy a woman with an outie vagina. He is a sad sad man that couldn’t feel love no matter how much you gave him. His lack of commitment and constitution towards anything that isn’t immediately easy will crush your soul. It had already crushed his, and if you get to close he will suck you into his whirlpool of self hate and despair. You will be lucky to pull yourself out. Trust me when I say stay away. Even as a friend. He will devour your happiness, and spit out a soulless husk of a person. That’s your life now. Yeah you are now a worse person for even meeting this waste of organic material and electrical synapses.
I’m re reading the point task. So let’s just pretend this is all lies. Right?
Lemo Pihl is a fake virtual hockey player in a fake virtual hockey league called the Simulation Hockey League (SHL). He is a fake one-time winner of the Four Star Cup, given to the top team of the Simulation Hockey League's junior tier farm league, the Simulated Major Junior Hockey League (SMJHL), with the Anchorage Armada in season 57, and also a fake one-time winner of the Challenge Cup, awarded to the SHL's best pro team, with the Texas Renegades in season 59.
The emphasis on the word "fake" is instrumental here in order to indicate properly as to how much of a fake accolade all these titles are in the case of Lemo Pihl.
He simply lucked out in joining the league at the right time to be signed as a free agent by the Armada in season 55 and ended up largely being carried to the championship by an otherwise great assembly of players.
And then when it came time to join his fake proffessional team in the SHL, the same thing happened again with him arriving on the scene just at the right time at the end of a lengthy rebuild phase for the team, just in time to drink the victory champagne despite having put in a minimal amount of work compared to everyone else on the team.
S59 & S62 Challenge Cup Champion - Texas Renegades
S57 Four Star Cup Champion - Anchorage Armada
S57 & S58 WJC / S62, S64 & S66 IIHF Gold Medalist - Team Finland
After 69 shots on net with still no SHL goals to show for it, even the opposition started to feel so sorry for Lemo, that they decided to help him out :D
- Bad pass by Jack Klompus, he gave it right to Lemo Pihl.
- Lemo Pihl rips it to the net...
- Lemo Pihl will find the empty net, that should do it!
Richard LaFleur (allegedly) is a Canadian "professional" ice hockey zamboni driver. Richard was born in Vancou.......on a frozen lake in Nunuvut. He was deemed so ugly by his parents that he was used as bait to try and attract and hunt a polar bear. When it was known that even a polar bear wouldn't take him, he was reluctantly taken to his eventual hometown of Vancouver. He grew up on the coast, being that annoying show-off hockey player on the pond. His ego was so inflated, even from an early age, that his friends didn't want to play with him. In S57, Richard joined the SMJHHL with the Kelowna Knights. Early reports showed that he was going to be a player, but those turned out to be false as it was later confirmed he was the zamboni driver for Prospera place. For three years he cleaned the ice inside the arena, and was lucky enough to hoist the 1-star cup at the end of last season. Which just goes to show, even the lowliest of us can rise to greatness.
Zebulon Leavitt is currently employed by the Baltimore Platoon, supposedly as a hockey player but considering his play in his rookie season we are pretty sure he is actually in accounting and they dressed him one day for practice and he never left. Maybe he is actually in marketing considering all the giveaways he did on the ice. Supposedly he is in expert in blocking shots but I think they got that confused with the local bartender who limits us to two drinks. The only thing Leavitt consistently blocks is the team's ability to actually win games. He is currently playing defense on the team but would probably be better off defending a deserted island with no value to anybody. Fun fact: Leavitt cannot actually tie his own skates so the team intern usually has to help him out with that. Supposedly he has been working hard to improve his game over the offseason but picking your nose does not really translate to on-ice success.
Nikolai Ayerzov is an awful hockey player at the right winger position from the corrupt haven of autocratic politicians Minsk, Belarus. He began his hockey career as a pipsqueak in the Belarusian Developmental Hockey League but left the country because he was too much of a baby to stay and wanted to "advance his career" in more sustainable organizations. He was drafted by the St. Louis ****crows and had a mediocre at best rookie season, somehow managing to get 17 points in total. He was then drafted to the Manhatten Rage a season later, but he may never get into there as his career is about as respectable as a dumpster in an alleyway. God only knows how this guy is gonna be able to succeed in the future, as he has no ability to be independent and has to be spoonfed almost every opportunity and cries every time something doesn't go his way. What a stupid child.
Alexander Roach is technically a player for the Buffalo Stampede, although he has yet to do much of anything in his career to this point. Roach couldn't get his paperwork filled out in time for the SMJHL draft, showing just how unprepared he was for the league. He was drafted 55th overall by the Stampede, and clearly was an afterthought to most of the league. In season 55 when the junior league expanded, he was left exposed by his juniors team, the Maine Timber, and the Timber were likely thrilled to have that dead weight removed from their roster. Roach was somehow awarded the Brandon Holmes trophy as the best defensive forward, but all he did was stand in front of a bunch of slap shots, many people have said the award was undeserved. He does have a challenge cup to his name, although it has a huge asterisk next to it, since he did not play a single game for that cup winning roster. Since his call up to the SHL, the Stampede are 0-3 in the finals.
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S69 Challenge Cup Champion - Philadelphia Forge 
S57 Four Star Cup Champion - Anchorage Armada 
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