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CementHands · 06-25-2021, 03:07 PM

Karl Krashwagen is a professional hockey player currently playing with the Baltimore Platoon. He is famously known for an abysmal rookie season when he joined the SMJHL, where he posted only 4 points through 50 games, and was involved in multiple off ice infractions, including burning down an entire wing of the Halifax children's hospital. This incident was left out of a criminal charge, as the Halifax management paid off the city and police to make it go away.
After being drafted several rounds earlier than projected, a rumor was started that wealthy betting benefactors paid off the Platoon to select him, leading to a massive profit, mafia style.
His first few seasons in the SHL were completely underwhelming where he played to his expectations of being a poor 3rd line player. One season he broke out and somehow managed to lead the league in goal scoring, but his performance is under heavy criticism after legitimate egg profile twitter accounts with no followers claimed to have witnessed him taking PED's all season.

He was appropriately left of the all star teams announcement that season, as their voting members are all upstanding morally sound, and uninfluenced by the mafia, unlike the awards committee.

His lackluster career is winding down and will hopefully retire soon.

*kenvald* · 06-25-2021, 03:16 PM

Sven Yxskaft had an acceptable stint in the SMJHL. Winning the 4-star cup off a fluke by being traded to a team that already was set to win the cup. At most, Sven was only to be considered a morale booster as management wanted to show that they "were going for it".

After Sven was called up to the SHL this showed even clearer. He had little to no impact in his early years. And even after he was moved up to the 1st pairing the team saw little to no improvement. Finishing worse and worse every season. This shows the cleverness of the New England coaching staff. They started the rebuild, and having Sven lead the defensive core improved their chances of a high draft pick.

In international play Sven has little to show in terms of medals and awards. All he has to show for his IIHF play is a silver medal from a long time ago when he was barely given any ice time.

*Carpy48* · 06-25-2021, 03:20 PM

Huck24 · 06-25-2021, 03:33 PM

Lyle Odelein III is a professional hockey player, playing with the New Orleans Specters. Odelein is the current captain of the Specters as has been with the team since he was drafted 8th overall in the S48 draft. Lyle is also 'a no good hack who doesn't let anyone get a shot on net, which affects the overall product of the SHL. People watch hockey to see big goals, they want to see high scoring affairs. This bozo has decided to hurt the game by getting in front of as many shots as possible. In the past four seasons, Lyle has amassed over 1000 blocked shots. This is way too much, who wants to watch some dummy get in front shots that could turn out to be a goal. Not me!! He shouldn't be able to do this, it isn't fair and it needs to stopped right now!' a pillar of the New Orleans community, doing all he can to bring the sport of hockey to the forefront in the southern USA. He and his family built a hockey facility in the city of New Orleans which provides local kids a place to learn and play the sport of hockey, something that they would probably not be able to do otherwise.

grok · 06-25-2021, 03:46 PM

cedric robinson was the definition of a hanger on, a barely there player who rode the coattails of his teammates all the way through. he stole some games, sure, but only enough to be barely relevant. his success was largely reliant on the ensemble cast of hall of fame defensemen that played in front of him: alexis meltzer, cassius darrow, poopity scoop, alexander selich, and tatu makela. the entire role of cedric robinson on ice was to take up as little salary as possible and be a big guy in front of the net. any 6'4" player could have done the same, he was just the one that happened to be in the right place at the right time. his smjhl success was surprising, but he is honestly a one trick pony. juniors is the only real success he can own as truly his, while his shl success was largely due to a skilled team around him and not his personal contributions.

Julio Tokolosh · 06-25-2021, 05:34 PM

No one messes with Julio's wikipedia page for two reasons. one, he's a narcissist [took 4 spelling tries. woof] and hits refresh on his own page all day long. He rereads his own accolades and stats and plays "what if" / "remember when" by himself, looking at his old opportunities and career situations. two, he's the user that trolls and writes all of the nasty stuff that every other submission in this thread is about.

He was inspired by the ancient trolls (like Ken M, but more insidious). Julio would go in and photoshop his rivals and their wives and girlfriends to look a little worse in their profile pictures. cheesy prom smiles, bad makeup, an extra 10 pounds, missed shaving patches, yellowed teeth, sweat stains, swollen eyes, awkward pants bulges, the whole nine yards.

Julio got this idea when someone did something similar to him! After taking a picture before a junior season, all of the comments on the internet were about how weird and awkward a cow looked in a uniform. If the internet thought Julio was awkward, then the internet would think that everyone was awkward, so he committed a weekend to trolling the league (teammates included) because he's an insecure little turd.

Thor · 06-25-2021, 06:17 PM

ISFL affiliate (username: Thor)

***Nike*** · 06-25-2021, 06:55 PM

Nike Kickz Jr was born in the absolute mess that is Boston, Massachusetts. He has all of the usual Masshole tendencies. He never stops for a person in the cross walk. He flips you off as he drives by when you are driving slow when you have a small child in the car. It has even been said that he throws snowballs at basketball fans just for enjoying that game. And while Kickz and his heritage are some of his worst qualities, they are no match for his hockey skill. Have you ever seen this guy take the ice? He has yet to reach the SHL, despite spending more than 3 seasons in junior hockey. He is incredibly overrates, doesn't score any goals in comparison to his peers . Despite all of the hockey prowess of his father, he's one of the least impressive players that Newfoundland has had on their roster for the better part of the last 10 seasons. This guy smells and will certainly scrub out of the SHL before long.

JuOSu · 06-25-2021, 07:12 PM

Thomas Vanice is a player who has been thoroughly disappointing throughout his career. A late round pick, Vanice was picked even after some teams had already passed on him. A mediocre TPE earner, far from max earning, a guy who even misses the training every week because he just cannot earn enough money to even buy training, which is embarrassing, Vanice has played for the New Orleans Specters and the Seattle Argonauts. He was taken by the Argonauts in expansion, because of course the Specters wouldn't protect a guy like him. Obviously the Argonauts also didn't protect him in the last expansion but Vanice is so bad that other teams didn't even want him for free in expansion and instead chose someone else. Now Vanice is not even good for the first line anymore and will likely be passed down more and more until he eventually retires, without ever even being remotely in line for any award.

**Rich** · 06-25-2021, 07:18 PM

Fileworker PT pass

CanadianDuck · 06-25-2021, 08:23 PM

Steven Moyer is the 3rd line Center for the Calgary Dragons. He went undrafted in the SMJHL and was eventually picked up by the St. Louis Scarecrows as a free agent. After being carried by much superior players to 2 4 Star Cups, he was drafted by the Edmonton Blizzard. After quickly realizing the mistake they made, Edmonton traded Steven To San Francisco where he spent most of his SHL career. Realizing his best years were far behind him (Only having 1 really strong year.) He decided to hunt down a Challenge Cup wherever he could trick into signing him. He went from New Orleans to Texas and now he is in Calgary. His playing career is quickly coming to a screeching halt, and soon he will finally retire cupless and alone. The only time anyone will speak his name is when fans are talking about his much more talented team mates or when talking about the most untalented players to ever play in the SHL.

Amidships · 06-26-2021, 02:34 AM

Ole Olson (born 15 November 2022) is a Norwegian professional ice hockey defenceman for the New Orleans Specters of the Simulation Hockey League. Olson was selected fourteenth overall in the Season 58 draft. He was the third pick for the Specters after Friedensreich Hundertwasser and Nikolaj Boyle.

Playing Career:
Olson signed an Unrostered Free Agent contract with the Vancouver Whalers at the end of Season 56; the team went on to win the Four Star Cup without Olson. Olson was selected eleventh overall by the Carolina Kraken in the S57 SMJHL draft, and went on to play three seasons with the Kraken. While never making it past the first round of playoffs in Carolina, Olson was unable to find much success in the World Junior Championships either. He won his is lone piece of hardware, a bronze medal, came in his last season of play before becoming ineligible for future tournaments. Olson was called up after playing three seasons in the Juniors and has helped the team to an 0-5 start to the season.

**bk1689** · 06-26-2021, 06:41 AM

Brennan Kennedy Jr is a Canadain masquerading as an Austrian so that he could actually make an international team. He decided to be an "offensive" defenseman because he couldn't hang with the actual scorers up front on any team he's been on. Always a bridesmaid and never a bride. He will brag about all his nominations for awards, but take a look at how many he has... I'm done waiting, it's 0. He's got a cup, but that's.mainly due to his teammates carrying his defensive liability ass along for the ride. Over the years he's decided he's no longer offensive and has switched to a more defensive mindset. It's about time that he realized he will never be a legit scoring threat. I'm still not even convinced he will be good defensively either. He's entering his twilight of his career and will continually get beat by younger, fresher legged stars entering the league.

mastersheep · 06-26-2021, 08:28 AM

Trevor “the oldest player in the league” Duncan was born in 1965 in Ancient Rome, was drafted into the SMJHL to the team full of inactives in S52 and then to the West Kendall Platoon the following season. He recently became the Co-GM of the WORST FRANCHISE IN SHL HISTORY at the beginning of the 58th season. His notable accomplishments include a piece of medal in a tournament no one cares about as well as having a big nose. For real, it’s like the size of Brad Marchand’s! Since he became Co-GM, the team has made the big stinky poo poo every season, both of which are the first since they made the move to Baltimore. As a player, Duncan has scored a career 54 goals and 109 assists which is not even half a point per game LOLOL. Duncan has stated his dream is win multiple championships and to be inducted one day into the SHL Hall of Fame which is never ever going to happen in a million years.

Grapehead · 06-26-2021, 09:06 AM

Jimmy Larkin-Conway is a professional terrible ice hockey player currently playing sucking it up on the Nevada Battleborn of the SMJHL. JLC was also selected 27th overall in the S60 SHL draft by the Baltimore Platoon, who traded up to secure their target totally blew it on this pick. He was born accidentally dumped on the world in Edina, Minnesota. He is known mostly for having an outstanding shot, both in accuracy and release speed a couple of influential last names smashed together. Jimmy is also known for his dedication to volunteering in local community efforts, and his contributions to local projects Look this kid is just trash at hockey, and no amount of community service can keep him from turning the puck over in his own end. S60 is now underway and Jimmy has produced 3 points through the first 6 games been a spectacular disappointment to fans and teammates alike.

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