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tweedledunn · 07-03-2021, 04:19 AM

Blasoon · 07-03-2021, 08:02 AM

You know, there is something about telling people to buy secret meats™ from a dude on the corner that probably should have tipped my agent off about an endorsement deal. Yet I did not hire him for his reading comprehension. I hired him sheerly out of nepotism. Apparently, the secret meat™ led to some abnormalities in the customers. These include but are not limited to:
• Vomiting
• Diarrhea
• Limbs falling off and being replaced with the secret meat™.

If you or a loved one have been affected by the secret meats you may be entitled to compensation with my new partner, Ramza and Ramza LLC. Woken up blind because an undisclosed meat product has replaced your eyes? Eaten a bunch of meat and vomited up a storm? If this, was you, you got screwed! And if you got screwed, you can sue!

As my cousins, I mean law partners say “If you were disgraced, you have a case!”

PremierBromanov · 07-03-2021, 10:09 AM

Tom Fiddler's Barracuda Hotdog deal has gone south as the supplier miscommunicated with the manufacturer. Rather than bright, fleshy pink pork hot dogs representing the team, the manufacturer was supplied with actual barracuda, resulting in a fish hot dog made from a very limited and hard to find resource. Additionally, the hotdogs are overly long and dont fit in their prescribed buns. Fish hotdogs are extremely perishable and as such their shelf life was incorrectly labeled for a few months rather than a few days, resulting in widespread "Stinkiness" in the supplier's warehouse. Lastly, the hotdogs also contain a myriad of fish bones, as the barracuda are ground up whole like pig anuses, only the internal organs being discarded initially. The razor sharp, ultra long, smelly barracuda hot dogs were a smash hit for the week that they were available, as Tampa Bay is full of grease wagons lovingly referred to as "human beings" who will gobble down any old thing they can get their hands on.

awils13 · 07-03-2021, 10:55 AM

Trying to earn some extra cash early in his career, Aaron Wilson landed a deal with Amazon to publish a book called how to hockey properly, and most of his advice focused around goalscoring. For example, he wrote that if you want to be a goalscorer, passing is not that important, there have been a lot of hockey players who are great at scoring but are below average playmakers and that's ok, because at the end of the day whichever team scores more goals wins the game. He also said that if you are in a position to shoot the puck, you should shoot, and he backed it up with some statistical data, arguing that your team is more likely to score a goal if you shoot instead of trying to make a pass. The book went viral but Wilson had to take it down from online platforms because apparently everyone who has read it, including some of his teammates, would refuse to practice passing and would just shoot every time they got a chance to, even from center ice.

TomHanks · 07-03-2021, 11:16 AM

As we all know, Jakob Hamr grew up in the Czech Republic wrestling bears prior to moving to America to start his MMA career. But for some reason people don’t wrestle bears here in America. It’s a very fun activity everyone should try so it seemed like a slam dunk business idea. We ship you out a bear enclosure and a live bear, and we send an extensive instruction manual with DVDs starring yours truly that teaches you how to wrestle a bear. As long as you follow everything carefully it’s only a somewhat dangerous activity. And it’s great for building up strength. Unfortunately, apparently people across the country were getting “mauled” and “didn’t think when they opened the box the live bear would immediately attack them”. To get the full wrestling experience you need the element of surprise. Although, probably should’ve made it so you can get to the instruction manual without opening the bear box. Unfortunately this product has been taken off the market and all kits have been recalled. Apparently not all the bears got back in the boxes in time so there might be a few loose ones out there. But what are you going to do?

Trautner · 07-03-2021, 12:03 PM

michael scarn has had plenty of history in the past dealing with various recalls and well, this is another disaster of a recall that is happening. michael scarn is of course a part time salesman at dunder mifflin seattle, not because he needs the money but because he just likes the job and working a second job. so michael scarn sells paper after he is done with his day job as a hockey player. however, a major incident occurred at the local paper mill in which a terrible, unsightly watermark was added to all sheets of glossy white stock depicting a duck performing unspeakable things to a fan favorite mouse. this was a major incident that created headlines across the entire nation, as newspapers across the nation were printed erroneously on these papers without further inspection. michael scarn personally took responsibility for the entire incident and promised refunds to every single person who had ever purchased paper from dunder mifflin.

spooked · 07-03-2021, 12:30 PM

What a nightmare. Arsene Leclarc, star prospect Defensman of the Minnesota Monarchs of the Simulation Hockey League is one of the many star players of the north american league caught up in the huge scandal that hit the news this morning. The performance drink Gamer Fuel has been discovered to include a trace amount of steroids, a substance banned in the league and in many other professional sports leagues around the globe. Specifically, the steroid, TPE, is known to not only be extremely effective at improving physical performance, but also increase motor functions to improve things like hand eye coordination and edgework on skates. It is also an extremely addictive type of steroid, which is extremely concerning as a product marketed towards teens, and young adults. Arsene Leclarc has come out immediately dropping the partnership himself, and taking a strong stance that not only is the company Gamer Fuel a total disaster that let him down, but also that he would never knowingly pursue unnatural levels of TPE, which would give him an unfair advantage over his fellow simulation hockey league counterparts. We will have to see how this story develops, but in his closing statement Leclarc went on record saying "TPE is the best, its the best, omg is it is the best, wow, amazing" 216w

DannyC · 07-03-2021, 12:44 PM

PBE

majesiu · 07-03-2021, 01:28 PM

affiliation https://probaseballexperience.jcink.net/...t&p=333185

*kenvald* · 07-03-2021, 02:11 PM

With Sven's past of making axe handles, it was no surprise when he was approached by an axe making company to be the front figure for their newest model. Usually they put Canadian lumberjacks front and center, but this company's marketing officer thought Canadians were too expensive. And instead opted for a Swedish hockey player with an axe history. At least hockey is still very Canadian.

All went well during contracts, shooting, and launch of the campaign. But not too long after the new model hit the shelf a bunch of complains, claims and lawsuits started hitting the company. Apparently their QA department hadn't been as thorough as one would hope and axe company would be. The axe head wasn't properly fitted onto the axe handle, and had a 1 in 1000 chance to come flying off with every swing. Of course, this wasn't very safe and a bunch of customers wanted the company to pay for damages done by the flying axe to their sheds, vehicles, and people. After less than a month on the market, the new model was recalled.

CanadianDuck · 07-03-2021, 02:16 PM

One of the worst things I've ever been apart of was a few years ago when I was in desperate need of some cash and agreed to a sponsorship deal with a new brewery business with many cool ideas. Everything was going great until a few months ago when things went south real fast. A social media trend had started where teens would eat things they should never put in their mouths. Everyone has heard of the tide pod challenge, but this new trend of mixing bleach with different alcoholic beverage and drinking it was ridiculous. The beginning of this dangerous trend was traced back to a local teen who had used the special brew I had sponsored (which had my name and face on the bottle) in the first bleach mixed drink. I have made many PSAs on the extreme dangers of this trend. The business has since gone bankrupt due to all the bad publicity which is a shame because they had some amazing tasting drinks.

SecondSucks22 · 07-03-2021, 03:04 PM

As the new guy to the team, Carrigan was given the most... questionable branding opportunities presented to the team, and given the location of the team and the market they are in, there were ALOT of questionable endorsements. The one that backfired the most it seems is Rage brand mouse traps. Pretty simple product, how would that backfire you may ask yourself? Well true to its name the mouse trap didnt kill the mice caught in it, it only pissed them off, filling them with rage. This lead to many attacks on homeowners and pets alike by VERY disgruntled rodents. In most places this would be concerning at most, but not for New York. You see, New York doesnt have a mouse problem, it has a rat problem, and those fuckers can grow to the size of small dogs, one was even caught training turtles various forms of martial arts. The victims seem to be recovering nicely in hospital under the care of medical teams, all expenses paid for by the Rage, and no one is critical, anymore. The Rage and the manufacturer of the traps have issued a full recall of the products, and plans for future iterations include MUCH stronger materials. Carrigan himself has also committed to doing what he can to help those effected by the shoddy product in any way, shape, or form he can, even offering himself as an exterminator on days where he doesnt have a game or practice. Despite no expertise in the field, the belief being that a strong slapshot should be able to do the trick.

JuOSu · 07-03-2021, 03:11 PM

ISFL ultimus

BenDover · 07-03-2021, 03:43 PM

As Zak Wilson was drafted by the Montreal Patriotes, the sponsorship opportunities flew in from all directions in this untapped market of sim hockey in Montreal. Wilson had many different choices to chose from, but he ultimately decided on the brand new “Sticky” Hockey Stick to help keep possession. Now you may wonder how this product could possibly go wrong? Well if you took a look at the product itself it is meant to stop any hockey player from losing possession of the puck, but it is really just glue on a stick, so it wears off over time. It got recalled because during Wilson’s in-game demonstration, either the puck would be stuck and it wouldn’t shoot or it wouldn’t stick and just bounce to the other team. This marketing campaign failed and so did the sponsorship for Wilson who is back to square one, hopefully with more opportunities once he is with the big leagues in Montreal.

Fitted2106 · 07-03-2021, 04:37 PM

So I landed a deal with flacidix which helps men who get to many boners and in order to control this dick outrage that humans have the company asked me to speak on there behalf and promote said product. However the product creates even more boners and now many men cant do there jobs because they need to constantly masturbait. I have tried to get out in front of this to save some damage control but it has not been so easy as many men are now using over getting to erect. To finish up here it's not easy for men to be so horney all the time like how tf can you even function when all you wanna do is jerk it. I have reached out to the creators and am trying to find a cure as this was suppose to help men who already get to many boners however it has the opposite effect and now simple well meaning people just cant even focus.

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