Login

***goldenglutes*** · 07-18-2021, 10:09 PM

ok so wow i cannot believe it the fact that the identity of the atlanta inferno player and forward guy zheng from the atlantic division of the eastern conference of the simulation hockey league got his identity stolen like yowzers dude that really sucks rip in peace. but the guy (haha get it because his name is guy and it can also refer to the person who stole his identity who is also acting as guy but is also just a guy) hacked into his twitter and started posting really low effort tweets! if you go on guy zheng's twitter now, you can still see low effort tweets such as "hocc #shlhockey" and "hey look #shlhockey", what a shame! thankfully guy got his account back and tweeted a real tweet like "i can't wait to see playoffs duck he's gonna be unleashed he's gonna be an absolute monster @PuddlesODuck #shlhockey" and hopefully this is a tweet that @micool132 (agnes mcpipe 13 btw) approves of.

Signatures by Vulfzilla, Jepox, Jess, rum_ham, Ragnar, and myself
[Image: 9vAsr7c.png]

ACapitalChicago · 07-18-2021, 10:14 PM

Written Someone has stolen Joseph Weston's identity! This is truly a terrible scheme by some dastardly devil, what could have they done with his information? Used their credit cards illegally against his wishes? Acted like Joseph Weston on social media in a way that would get him in trouble with the League? Or potentially the worst option of all, something thought up by only the most devious of terrible people, did someone post a ridiculously embarrassing take that's super stupid and will make him someone made to be laughed at by the League? It turns out that the person changed Joseph Weston's favorite movie from The Good, The Bad, the Ugly, to A Fistful of Dollars which is such a terrible thing to do. Who on Earth would believe that Weston actually prefers A Fistful of Dollars over The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly? The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is just the quintessential spaghetti western and everyone should love it the most.

S66 Damian Littleton

||

||

|

|

katarn22 · 07-18-2021, 10:15 PM

Alfred Yankovic, like many people in the 21st century, very much enjoys shopping. Specifically, for accordions. Al has an extensive accordion collection. But recently, he has started receiving other instruments. Tubas, xylophones, theremins, you name it. This had Al concerned as he had not ordered these. It was then he realized someone had stolen his identity! The horror! He checked his social media to see if that was safe, but alas, it was not. His Twitter was filled with references to something called the International Simulation Football League. Football???? Al played hockey damn it.
Al was curious who could be behind this. He had many rivals in the league, but none of them seemed this cruel. However, the smoking gun was the football reference. Who in their right mind would write that? Well, process of elimination led to Al's cross-league, arch nemesis, Albert Ruschmann. Albert Ruschmann and Alfred Yankovic have been unlikely rivals ever since they joined their respective leagues. While there's no hard evidence, Yankovic will remember this.

jjlangabeer · 07-18-2021, 10:15 PM

It sucks, I just found out my identity was just stolen. I couldn't believe it, my credit was destroyed. I got the alerts on my phone of all these random purchases and was incredibly confused.

As I was looking through my bill I knew everything was hacked when I saw purchases of wheat grass and vitamins. Being a beer drinker with no regards for his health when you start seeing green drinks on the bill something is obviously off.

I kept digging through the records and I found a goat yogs class. I know 100 percent that I was not doing an upward dog with a goat, let alone even own a yoga mat. I wish I had the self control and knowledge to train my body that way but I respect the dad bod.

It is dad to say I only noticed the wrong charges due to my lack of fitness and my dad bod but at least I see them. In the end I made a donation to someone in great shape, something ill never be besides round.

*Count Chocula* · 07-18-2021, 10:17 PM

It was just a normal Tuesday night, just like any other. I was spending the night in after a long practice and some workouts in the afternoon. Then I got a random text from my boy Jonas Kahnwald asking me if I was drunk. I was deeply confused as to why he would be asking me this. I hastily replied back to him, "No man I'm not drunk, I'm just chilling at my loft reading The Wheel of Time, why?" Within seconds he had text me back, "If you're not drunk, then that was some messed up stuff you said in that tweet!" I was even more confused as I hadn't sent out a tweet in a couple of days, and even that was about our teams previous win. I started to grow nervous, I opened up Twitter account and furiously typed in my password "I<3Westbroek". I was flooded with DMs and alerts telling me how disgusting I was, as my stomach twisted into knots. That's when I knew I had been hacked. And then I saw it, my heart racing as I jumped from my futon. My book hitting the floor like a ton of bricks. My throat swelled up as sweat dripped down my face reading the tweet. "Steve Harrington is great at fantasy hockey."

Jepox · 07-18-2021, 10:21 PM

Pablo Salvatici awoke one morning to his phone buzzing non-stop. Apparently his twitter account was hacked sometime during the night by people in Kiev and they were posting a whole slew of embarrassing and mortifying tweets under his name. Advertisements for sex toys, onlyfans accounts, and oddly enough a miniature potted cactus were just some of the horrors, as they turned to slandering his teammates, coaches and even general managers as well. One tweet that was quickly taken down went in on Atlanta superstar Guy Zheng, claiming that he "just isn't that good at hockey" and that he was "lucky to even touch the ice when someone of my calibre is sitting on the bench." Salvatici and the Atlanta PR team quickly got statements out explaining the situation and apologizing for the actions of the hackers. Luckily for him there didn't seem to be any lingering resentment for what "he" said and the situation blew over after a few weeks of comments and scorn. @goldenglutes

164 words

Grapehead · 07-18-2021, 10:23 PM

Jimmy Larkin-Conway was reviewing his credit card statement when it became obvious that someone had stolen his identity!! The worst part was that whoever had been using his credit was using it to do things that Jimmy himself would've loved to do. For example, the criminal was taking ballroom dancing lessons every Thursday night at the local college, and cooking 101 on Sunday afternoons as well. The culprit also made some very unusual purchases, such as having an extravagant bouquet of flowers sent to Jimmy's girlfriend, having lunch delivered to Jimmy's apartment, and paying the balance on Jimmy's cellphone bill. Jimmy searched his mind for any hint of who might be behind this, and he imagined it must have been someone very close to him because of the information the thief clearly had about Jimmy's location and loved ones. The truth is that Jimmy just got really baked, and completely forgot about ordering food and flowers, plus he'd registered for those classes months ago but attending had just slipped his mind somehow. Surely he'll realize that he's the villain he's chasing after.

PersonMann · 07-18-2021, 10:30 PM

PBE PT

r0tzbua · 07-18-2021, 10:31 PM

Finn von Murphenstein is an avid online shopper, he does not like cash nor the experience of going to stores. That did not change much throughout the pandemic and got even worse. Then one day a teammate told him of this super amazing pop-up butcher in his neighbourhood though which had the best meats in the area, especially for steaks. Long story short he went there and somehow got his credit card info stolen. All by itself, that's bad but it was his team credit card that was stolen so all the purchases are seen by the team financial department.

So one day he came into the locker room for training and on the bulletin board was his most recent credit card statement where whoever stole his data went on an online shopping spree for special ... toys. It was a very colourful name that the store had and there was no question what was bought with it. The financial department thought it was so funny that they posted it where everyone was able to see it and everyone had a grand time except Finn himself.

Jumbobone19 · 07-18-2021, 10:31 PM

BREAKING NEWS: Lord Raiden has been arrested. The current Baltimore Platoon hockey player has been taken into custody on charges of flipping thousands of Smart ForTwo vehicles, selling OTC medications illegally, and selling other people's social security numbers to thieves.

Raiden was declaring that this was a mistake and something is really wrong, stating "Why would anyone in their right mind buy that POS vehicle to begin with" The police crossed checked his references and alibis and they all checked out. As it turns out Lord Raiden's identity was stolen. They were able to track down who was responsible for the heinous acts against the SHL player. It was a former minor league player, Shao Kahn, that Raiden absolutely embarrassed in a game. Lord Raiden brokes Kahn's ankles and undressed the defender which led to the game winning goal in the Championship game. Shao Kahn held a major grudge against Raiden and vowed to get back at him. Kahns plan was to forever destroy Raidens credit, preventing him from a lot of lifetime purchases / setbacks. It was almost a success but Raiden was able to defeat Khan once again.

-188 words

***ProjectSaint*** · 07-18-2021, 10:36 PM

EVO: Awkward stare into the non-existant abyss

RESO: So.........mind explaining this, good ole cousin?

EVO: .................so. When we were in Japan, I had recently shaved my hair in preparation for the S55 IIHF World Championship, my final send off, and I did go on a journey around Japan with Ren as a means of accepting my future and planning what to do. Now, whenever I shave my hair, I look almost identical to Ren, minus the hight difference which didn't exist back then and almost permanent sunglasses. Now, when we were in Ren's old neighbourhood in Ashiwakawa, I realised...............

RESO: You realised what?

EVO:........I had your ID card and needed to get something from the combi store.....who asked for my ID as well.

RESO:...........I mean, you're a fool for misplacing your ID card, but why did they ask in the first place?

EVO: I have no idea, maybe its be--

RESO: Fine, fine. End result is that you got away playing my double.

EVO: Yeah.........I rather not go further into that, please.

RESO: In public, sure, but you know the rules.

EVO: And so do I.

RESO: Say goodbye.

EVO: Goodbye.

Graydonsanatomy · 07-18-2021, 10:37 PM

One fateful morning Eric Tokke rose out of bed like any of day. However when he checked his phone he soon realized it wouldn’t be like any other. Hundreds of notifications on his various social media’s & 56 text messages, including 18 from various family members, he needed to figure out wtf happened, and fast! Someone had hacked into his accounts and posted a receipt apparently showing that he attended a “happy ending” massage parlor after a road game in Anaheim. Apparently he wasn’t the only Outlaw in town. While going to a happy ending massage parlor isn’t illegal under federal law, in California it is in several counties. Looking further into the matter after contacting his agent he realized it was a simple mis understanding. The hacker meant to hack into billionaire Bob Krafts media pages, but somehow got lost along the way. Talk about a happy ending wink wink. To help ease the stress from the traumatic situation Tokke grabbed some of that potent California ganja during his trip and went wild once he touched back home in Colorado.

Julio Tokolosh · 07-18-2021, 10:40 PM

Julio's credit card number was written down by some spiteful hamilton fans. Julio opened a tab at a bar after the most recent game versus the steelhawks. The blizzard had a 3 day break before the next game and Julio wanted to treat the boys to a light evening of drinks and chatter to boost morale during the season that has been predictably filled with hot and cold streaks. Beers and billiards with some truTV reruns in the background turned sour when the next day Julio got security notifications that some miscreant used his card to buy a handful of iPhone games and currency [this actually happened last week. I've never been hacked before, so kind of suspect that this is the prompt].
On top of the low-stakes digital currency, the trouble makers also bought around $200 in jukebox credits. It seems kind of like a low amount to steal from someone with eighty million in the bank, but maybe they thought it was such a small amount that the hockey star wouldn't notice.
The boys thought it was weird that it seemed like Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" seemed to playing on repeat.

MyLittleHexx · 07-18-2021, 10:42 PM

Someone stole Justin Keahi's identity, what? The first sign that his identity was stolen was a purchase was linked to Chick-Fil-A, a company he would never purchase from or support due to their support and donations to organizations that try to harm the LGBTQ+ community. The odd purchase was HUT packs on NHL, as no sane person would ever waste their money on something as useless and pointless as HUT packs. The most confusing purchase was a penis statue made out of silver, with gold accents on the veins of the penis. Typically, this wouldn't be surprising purchase for Keahi, but the fact that the purchase was made in Montreal was what tipped everyone off. As everyone knows, Justin Keahi is not a fan of Montreal at all, and would never be seen in that town other than at the ice rink. After that, it's straight to the airport to get out of that dump of a city.

**.bojo** · 07-18-2021, 10:51 PM

My account was stolen from Starbucks this week. As a big man who plays a big defensive game, I rely on my ability to get a grande caramel ribbon crunch whenever I need one. However my account was hacked recently and my card was disabled. I was devastated. I always start my day with either a banana nut bread or pumpkin bread and then get one of those fruity star drinks. I could just use my credit card but you don’t get as many star points as you would with just your Starbucks card. The assholes stole 1200 points off of me. For reference that can get you about 8 free Frappuccino’s. They also stole about 50 actual dollars worth of drinks in a few days. I called tech support and they found out that it was the Anchorage Locker room that stole my money. I’m not filing charges because I got my money, but somebody really needs to fire Gabe.

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us