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Going to Toronto
#1
(This post was last modified: 04-19-2023, 09:18 PM by spidey. Edited 8 times in total.)

WannabeFinn, skoldpaddor, Rangerjase walk into an office. It is well lit, there is a large 85-inch TV against one wall and 5 rookies sitting in chairs across from them (Furious Chicken, Bellamy Blake, Finn Weib, Logan Webb, Oliver Castillon). Each one of the SHL commissioners takes a seat in their full leather office recliners with gold name plates on it and look at each of the players. They look at each player in the eyes, almost to measure them up, then drop their gaze to the desk. Finally Wannabefinn takes a deep breath and lifts his head.

WannabeFinn:
Welcome, I am sorry to have taken you away from team activities with next to no notice. I understand and appreciate your season is winding down and you are all preparing for a playoff run, and we wish you nothing but the best of luck with that. But we have an issue to speak to each of you about. You seem to be some of the best your draft class has to offer so it is important we have a little talk before the draft.

Skoldpaddor:
Listen, we need to speak to the whole group of you. Now this might just be a formality at this point, but as our commissioner said you represent some of the best the season 71 rookie class has to offer, so please take a bow at that accomplishment. Which means one of you will most likely to suffer…er, I mean be chosen, yeah chosen is the right word.


Rangerjase:
God damn it people, just say it and stop dragging this out! Listen the draft is only a few weeks away. And we have a pretty good idea on the team order, at least what the top 4 will look like. There is some good news for the group of you…and some bad news. It plays out like this.

Rangerjase and the other commissioners turn their chairs around and face the large TV, press a button on a remote and the TV clicks on with a graphic on the screen. At the top of the list there is the San Francisco Pride followed by Los Angeles Panthers, The Tampa Bay Barracudas finally the Toronto North Stars.
pride
Panthers
Barracuda
Stars

WannabeFinn:
So, there are three very desirable locations to be had here, there is also a chance Manhattan Rage could fall into the top 4, which we as the head of the league are excited for three of you as you could be heading to an amazing location to begin your hockey carreer! And there is one location that well…*sighs* is Toronto. So…

Wannabefinn looks at his colleagues for support. The other two look away from him and towards the opposite walls.

WannbaeFinn:
We are here to show you how Amazing of a city Toronto can be and why you should go there... and not just immediately demand a trade.

Logan Webb:
I CALL SAN FRAN! PRIDE BABY!

Skoldpaddor:
Now you can’t just call where you will…

Finn Weib:
LA FOR ME! Panthers for life! living that Hollywood lifestyle!


Furious Chicken and Bellamy Blake:
TAMPA!

Logan Webb:
Eww

Furious Chicken:
I know but if I have to choose between Tampa or Toronto, well you know which one to choose.

Bellamy Blake:
Wait a minute, he said Manhattan!Oooh, Ooh I pick the RAGE!

A nervous Oliver Castillon looks around the room. Then jumps out of his chair and running from side to side, checks under the desk, flips his chair, runs for the door to open it but it has been locked from the outside.

Rangerjase:
Sorry but all sharp objects have been removed from this room, I knew this was coming after last year’s meetings with the rookies. See told you guys we would have another suicide attempt. The door is also locked until we give the secret password to unlock the doors.

Castillon pulls out $50 and puts it on the table.

Oliver Castillon:
Whoever bashes my brains in with my chair keeps the $50. And my family will not press charges, I promise you! I have already texted my family to update them on the situation and they agree to these terms.

Skoldpaddor:
OK SETTLE DOWN, THERE WILL BE NO HEAD BASHING HERE! For goodness sakes.

Webb slowly puts the chair down, looking fairly disappointed. Wannabefinn slowly takes the $50 out of his pocket and slides it back to Oliver Castillon also looking fairly disappointed.

Skoldpaddor:
Listen up, we don’t know which one of you will be drafted to the North Stars, unfortunately the league stopped manipulating the draft 45 seasons ago. Its true we used to shape the league as we saw fit. We still have the ability to place curses on teams with our Black Sorcerers of Misalignment, but General Managers have been building their rosters for a while now without league intervention. We figure being some of the best SMJHL has to offer there is a 20% chance one of you is going to Toronto, the odds are not that good. And there is a chance they could go completely off script, it is the North Stars after all and select another player, so it is really a 10% or less chance you are getting drafted there. We just want to prepare you.

Wannabefinn:
Meaning you guys can’t "call it", and we can’t make General Manager’s choose who or where each rookie will end up. Trust me we would like too.


A collective for the group of Rookies:
Damn!

Logan Webb looks around the room, he looks like he is counting each rookie there, mumbles to himself and then perks up.

Logan Webb:
Wait a minute, there are no goalies here. You think a struggling team would prioritize drafting the most important position in the game and grab Net Man or Scary Jerry. They are both doing Phenomenal and could be difference makers for a team.


A collective agreement among the rookies as the glimmer of hope falls upon them.

Rangerjase:
WHAT THE F*CK MAN, do you think this is the NFL? The most important position in this sport don't mean sh!t here. This is the SHL, in the SHL Goalies count for nothing! Come on, you all are better than that. But remember we don’t speak bad about them in public.

The entire room:
Never speak bad about goalies. AMEN

Wannabefin:
Now we have an important video to show you guys produced by the City of Toronto themselves to show you how amazing it will be to live in and how to enjoy the Great City of Toronto.


Rangerjase presses a button, and the TV screen flips slides to a WELCOME TO TORONTO slide in the middle is a YouTube play button that clicks on.

A man walks into a shot he looks like he could be mid 50s but also could be early 20s, he is wearing a black tuxedo with a bowtie. He has neatly trimmed slick back hair, cleanly shaven. His smile is full of blinding white perfect teeth, his face when smiling does not have a wrinkle or smile line. He clearly has had some extra work done and looks as fake as fake could be.

Announcer:
Hello future SHL stars and welcome to Toronto, the city that is in the center of the universe. Or at least that is how it feels whether you are in Toronto or on the outside looking in.


The screen shows a giant body of water that spans as far as the eye can see.

Announcer:
Who needs an ocean when you have the great lakes! These beautiful bodies of water are so massive you could spend days on it without reaching the other side. Unlike yucky sea water our lakes are fresh water, so no salt poisoning if you drink too much.

A little kid runs over and scoops up some water in a cup and is about to drink it.

Announcer:
Well hold on there buster brown. Just because you won’t suffer salt poisoning doesn’t mean you should drink it. Specially with all of the garbage, disposed drugs, biological waste, and dead bodies floating in the water. Actually, it would probably be worse if you did drink it, but still, it is beautiful to look at.

The scene skips over to a vibrant downtown area, with the CNN tower and Rodgers Center.

Announcer:
Wowie just look at this busy metropolis. Truly one of a kind in Canada. Yes some of your will be lucky enough to call this home. Where only 90% of you annual salary will go to RENTING a bachelor apartment, you lucky dog. I am forced to live 3 hours out of town and commute every day, but not you. And if you like action movies or enjoy playing Grand Theft Auto you are in for a treat! You will get to live and experience it every day! Regular drug busts, shoot outs, car jackings, car chases and you can even get some company with ladies or men of the night, all can and will be seen here all the time.

Camera pans over to the side and a man is being stabbed as he gives up his wallet and watch.

Announcer:
Did you say fun! Well here in Toronto we have lots of fun! We have Concerts, Festivals, Other Sporting Events, Conventions! Just don’t go to those as they are way too expensive and attract too large of a crowd causing easy targets for pick pockets…HEY Where’s my wallet?!

As a man runs in the other direction from the announcer, as a cop watches, laughs and walks away from everything.

Announcer:
All part of the fun of living in Toronto! Hey do you like it insufferably hot, and so humid that walking will cause you to collapse from heat stroke? OR do you prefer it so cold that walking outside will cause you to literally freeze to death? GOOD NEWS TORONTO OFFERS BOTH!


Announcer:
By the way, don’t worry about garbage. Our cities waste management system is top notch. In fact, just be like the rest of us and drop your garbage as you walk. Don’t worry it eventually ends up in the lake and makes its way down south to our closest neighbours and friends, the USA! Problem solved.


The camera shows a garbage filled alley way, then the wind kicks up and the garbage blows down the Alley and flows into Lake Ontario. A fish jumps out of the lake and starts to crawl up the beach trying to get out of the garbage infested water, though struggling the fish reaches into the lake pulls out a needle and injects itself with an unknown substance then starts power crawling out of the lake.

Announcer:
Evolution not on my watch. Come on Buster Brown, show that fish how humans stay on top of the food chain! And hey, you can do that too, enjoy a healthy day of fishing on the beach side.

The little boy stops drinking the lake water runs over to the fish, on his last step he starts to gasp for air and collapses on top of the animal, crushing the fish.

Announcer:
Whoopsie, I thought we said not to drink the water Mr. Brown. Once again easy to clean up here in Toronto.


The Announcer kicks the child until the body falls into the water.

Announcer:
Problem solved!

The screen clicks off going to black.

Rangerjase:
TORONTO!

Rangerjase is giving jazzy hands and a huge smile on his face.

Furious Chicken:
SOOO…can we just go back into the draft for next year?

All other rookies:
That is a good question.
Yep, seems fair.
Ooh I could do that!


Skoldpaddor:
No! Listen one of you will most likely be drafted there, so learn to love it or suck it up or something. I get it, it may not be your first choice, but it is really a beauti… beautifu…. It is a city that we offer to play in.

Oliver Castillon:
Ok $100 to bash my head in! Who wants it!

As he slaps the cash on the table. Wannabefinn slides his hand over and swipes the cash.

Wannabefinn:
There will be no head bashing. Listen it is like a 20% chance one of you gets drafted there, and honestly, and like we discussed, they could draft someone else too. There is a ton of talent in the SMJHL rookie class. So, there is a less than 10% chance one of you is getting selected.

Oliver Castillon:
Ok, $200…wait what happened to the $100 that was righ…

Wannabefinn:
The end result is we are not going to put up with someone demanding a trade. So here it is, get drafted by Toronto and you will get the Key to the City. You are going to be the franchise piece the team builds around, and the city has agreed to give you whatever you want, women, men, booze, drugs, a small illegal chinchilla underground wrestling league, whatever you want. Literally you are the golden goose. Something every young boy and girl that loves hockey dreams about, being the most important player for one team in the league arguable the most important city in the league!

Bellamy Blake:
Well, that sounds good and all, specially the Chinchilla wrestling league. But this is Toronto we are talking about I get it is a historic franchise, but…

Rangerjase:
F*ck it, whoever goes to Toronto gets an extra season in Juniors and their own executive parking spot. Agreed?

Each rookie looks at each other:
Agreed.

Oliver Castillon:
Guys what happened to my 100 doll…

Wannabefinn:
Good now that is settled, get the hell out of here we have a very busy day ahead. Suzy, please bring in the season 71 SMJHL draftees, we need to speak to them about Anchorage…

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#2

Hearing half the first round has been traded to Toronto again.
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#3

wow this characterization of me is spot on

except for the part where I have any idea what was happening in the league 20 seasons before I got here

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#4

"Oliver Castillon:
Guys what happened to my 100 doll…"

Truest line of the entire article Smile

Stars

- Wally

[Image: Wally.png]






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#5

04-19-2023, 06:17 PMsköldpaddor Wrote: wow this characterization of me is spot on

except for the part where I have any idea what was happening in the league 20 seasons before I got here

I figured you were the level headed one in the SHL office. Can't trust the other two.

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#6

04-19-2023, 06:22 PMWally Wrote: "Oliver Castillon:
Guys what happened to my 100 doll…"

Truest line of the entire article Smile

Stars

- Wally

HAHAHAHA I love how Wannabefinn keeps cutting him off and moving the subject along.

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#7

obviously fake interview, jase never even mentioned the calendar once

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#8

ha ha ha ha! I love that one!

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Ekaterina Valieva - Baltimore Platoon
Co-GM - Maine Timber

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#9

04-19-2023, 06:22 PMWally Wrote: "Oliver Castillon:
Guys what happened to my 100 doll…"

Truest line of the entire article Smile

Stars

- Wally

Wally, what happened to the rink you were maki--

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Thanks @enigmatic, @Carpy48, @Bayley, @Ragnar, @sulovilen, & @dasboot for the signatures!



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#10

04-20-2023, 09:17 PM_Blitz_ Wrote: Wally, what happened to the rink you were maki--

I'm waiting to draft you and make it your job... Jeeez. I'm hungry.

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#11

04-20-2023, 09:31 PMWally Wrote: I'm waiting to draft you and make it your job... Jeeez.  I'm hungry.

"Send... Toronto... to... Sweden... Sverige... North... Stars..." got it. Might want to let @Carpy48 know.

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Thanks @enigmatic, @Carpy48, @Bayley, @Ragnar, @sulovilen, & @dasboot for the signatures!



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#12

04-20-2023, 09:39 PM_Blitz_ Wrote: "Send... Toronto... to... Sweden... Sverige... North... Stars..." got it. Might want to let @Carpy48 know.

I already have two large sweden tattoos, so I'm down.

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