Login

LordBirdman · 01-14-2020, 11:00 PM

Media week draft article x2 bonus - 1227 words

Profiles In Courage - Sven Svenson

Sports Illustrated for Kids Exclusive Story

The story of Sven Svenson begins like many others: a horned up American university student purchases a bottle of imported Russian vodka from his local Systembolaget. The American student, Robby Gorr, has only two weeks until he will board a plane and return to his native Boston. Robby Gorr came to Stockholm to study abroad while hopefully studying some broads. Up to this point, he has had no such success. He’s yet again resigned himself to a night of getting black out drunk on cheap Russian vodka and going to a Djurgårdens hockey game.

It’s late November in Sundbyberg, a small municipality of Stockholm, and it’s another cold, overcast day. Helga Svenson slams shut her copy of 50 Shades of Gray, wondering if she will ever be graced with the undying attention of a pervert. Helga is a homely 29-year old Ikea instruction writer. She was recently promoted to Senior Instruction Writer due to her superior command of both pictorial communication and engineering theory. Despite her massive career successes, she’s filled with a sense of longing for something more. Helga was always so busy with her career that she never felt she had the time to pursue a normal dating life. “Maybe tonight will be different”, she thought to herself. “I’m going to the Djurgårdens game with Sofia… she’s always sleeping around so at least I know I have a chance to talk to some men”. With a coy look in her mirror, Helga put on her best fitting Kronwall jersey and was off to the game.

By the time of the first puck drop, Robby Gorr had already pissed himself. He was so drunk he was wandering around the stadium looking for his seat, or any seat really, when he ran into two young Swedish women giving him a funny look.
“Umm excuse me, did you piss yourself?” Helga asked the stumbling fool.

“Yaaasssss” Robby stammered in an attempt to drunkenly speak Swedish, not realizing that “ya” is not specific to one language.

Helga was immediately enthralled. She had never met someone so bold as to admit that they had pissed themselves at only 7:35pm. Sure, it was disgusting, and this young man could barely stand up – but something about the dark, soulless eyes of blacked out Robby reminded Helga of her own loving drunk of a father.

“Let’s help you get yourself cleaned up” Helga said to Robby. Robby immediately threw up on Helga’s Kronwall jersey. Helga back handed Robby across the face with her vomit covered hand and the two locked eyes. They both knew what was about to transpire.

Helga rushed Robby down into the bowels of the stadium. Her lascivious friend told her of an unlocked janitor’s closet the two could find some privacy. Before either knew what hit them, the buzzer sounded and the crowd cheered… there was more than one score at that particular moment.

Robby Gorr woke up the next morning with his piss pants around his ankles in a dark closet. He pulled himself together and wondered aloud whether his memory of the events the night before were real or if just like every other night he simply got wasted and found a safe place to sleep. He knew it was all real when he saw a vomit stained Kronwall jersey strewn about in the corner of the cold pavement room. “Nice” Robby thought, “I’m the man”. Without incident, Robby Gorr traveled home to the US a couple weeks later.

Helga didn’t give the dumb drunk American much thought until four months later at her annual checkup. In Sweden, people are allowed to see doctors without risking bankruptcy. Helga learned she was pregnant with a boy but had no way of reaching the mysterious drunkard she made sweet passionate love to in the basement of the Djurgårdens arena. She didn’t even know his name. Nevertheless, she was determined to raise her child in a loving environment, supported by Sweden’s advanced social system and her Ikea instruction writing career.

Sven Svenson was born a hulking, healthy child. His mother never told him that he ate his twin sibling early on during the gestation period, it was an unsettling thought. If fetus Sven was capable of such an appalling feat, what would child Sven be capable of?

Sven had a dark, troubled childhood. He constantly got in trouble at school for picking on other children and had a penchant for eating glue. His only outlet was playing hockey, which he clearly excelled at from an early age. The darkness in Sven’s life was clearly attributable to never having a father figure growing up. That all changed one day when he talked back to his hockey coach, Coach Olaf, who punished Sven by making him skate sprints for the next week of practice. Sven realized he appreciated the discipline of a stern coach and began to flourish as both a player and a person with Coach Olaf as a father figure.

At age 16, Coach Olaf gifted Sven a 23andme DNA kit. Coach Olaf was a bit of a sicko and was curious who this budding prodigy’s father could be. Through the service, Coach Olaf learned that Sven had a family member who was serving life in prison in the US for crimes in the exotic pet trade. Coach Olaf began a correspondence with this man that shared a DNA profile with Sven. Coach Olaf learned that this inmate had a brother, who briefly lived in Sweden many years ago. Coach Olaf realized that this brother must be Sven’s father and decided to write a letter to the man detailing the life of his unknown son.

By this time, Robby Gorr had built a small fortune for himself through his innovative flavored butter business. Fat, ignorant Americans fell in love with Robby’s butters, which includes products like Siracha butter, ranch butter, chocolate chip butter, pepperoni butter, and champagne butter (only for special occasions). Robby was overjoyed to learn that he had a long-lost Swedish son that was a hockey phenom. He got in touch with Sven, who came to Boston to meet his father. The reunion was sweet, but short lived, as Robby dropped dead with a heart attack only the second week Sven was in town. Years of tasting his various butter flavors had done a number on Robby’s arteries and his inability to afford routine doctor visits was ultimately his undoing.

Unfortunately, Sven saw none of his father’s fortune as he was not in his father’s will and never recognized as a legal son. Sven decided to stay and train for the SMJHL in the Boston area, with his criminal uncle’s exotic pet trade associates financially supporting him.

Sven recognizes he has had a difficult childhood but is extremely motivated to be a success to honor his father’s life and make his mother proud. His star-crossed existence was consummated under the beautiful sound of a cheering crowd and goal horn – his play reflects his destiny to reach the highest heights of the SHL. He enters the SMJHL draft as a relatively unknown prospect, given his odd background, but is sure to make whatever team that takes a chance on him pleasantly surprised. When reached for comment on this Sports Illustrated for Kids exclusive story, Sven’s only comment was “how the hell do you know all of this about me.”

Mediocre_Fred · 01-14-2020, 11:04 PM

Sports Illustrated For Kids

*thiefofcheese* · 01-14-2020, 11:24 PM

01-14-2020, 11:04 PMMediocre_Fred Wrote: Sports Illustrated For Kids

lol this got me good

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us