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Leoben · 03-01-2020, 08:12 PM

2280 words, ready for grading.

So in the past I have given every team their official television show, movie, and sponsor. I have many more entries into this series to come but this week it is time to give every team their own official pizza. This will range from frozen pizzas to just general pizza toppings. Let’s get one thing clear though. I have been to a lot of places in the U.S. I have lived in Texas, St. Louis, Wyoming, Virginia, Ireland (not in U.S.), and a handful of other places. That being said, I am by no means an expert on local cuisine and local pizza. I’d just as soon look up a recipe and make something at home. I’d also like to advise that I am not a pizza snob. There is this weird pocket of society that likes to point out “That’s not a real Philly Cheesesteak” or “That’s not real Chicago style” or “That’s not real BBQ” and I will have none of that here. There can also be a debate about what constitutes a flatbread and what constitutes a pizza. I don’t care. It’s all pizza here. Take that nonsense to reddit. Also, unlike the official movie list where I tried to keep it local, this one might seem like I put a blindfold on and threw darts at a board. And in some ways, I suppose I did. So, without further delay, here are the official pizzas for your SHL and SMJHL teams.

Buffalo Stampede
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Sbarro Pepperoni Pizza
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Sbarro used to be a staple in malls across America and it still manages to survive but they are definitely not as strong as they used to be. I haven’t had Sbarro in years but I don’t remember it being particularly good or bad but I always felt bad afterwards. Like having heartburn as a child isn’t normal so I always felt bad after eating it. Not guilty, just unwell. I may have just had a great day at the mall and done all this shopping and got the new Limp Bizkit CD and thought a slice of pizza would be a good idea. It never was to be honest. But, Buffalo, embrace your pizza and embrace your heartburn. Maybe I’ll give you Tums as an official sponsor next time.

Chicago Syndicate

Papa Murphy’s
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I don’t really understand Chicago style so I don’t dare get it wrong. Apparently the sauce goes on top or something? I don’t know. Anyway, Papa Murphy’s is actually a pretty good chain. I remember the first time I ever went there, I had no idea what it was all about. I ordered one to take home but as I was waiting, I realized there were no ovens in the place. I found that peculiar. That’s when I realized that I had to bake it myself. I was a little confused but the price was reasonable. The pizza was good.

Hamilton Steelhawks
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Red Baron Deep Dish Minis
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The hockey pucks! I would not recommend these to anyone. There isn’t really a good way to prepare them and I’ve tried everything except the air fryer. Oven, toaster oven, microwave (just don’t). The crust itself is passable but after that it all goes wrong. I read somewhere that the sauce is actually blood drained from the pig fetuses that they donate to local science classes for dissection. The cheese is confusing and they used to put the cool pepperoni cubes on there but now they have like regular pepperoni slices cut in four. Like what are they even doing? Anyway, these things are poison. Enjoy.

Manhattan Rage

Cheeseburger Pizza
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What goes good on pizza? Anything! That’s what they say anyway. But cheeseburger pizza? It can be done many different ways but I have yet to find one that is good. I mean it tastes just like it sounds which should be delicious but just take a bite of a cheeseburger, then take a bite of a pizza. Does it feel good? Not really, no.

New England Wolfpack
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Benny’s Pizza
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Now this is more like it. This is kind of a regional place so a lot of people probably haven’t heard of it. But if you ever wondered what it would be like to eat a slice of pizza that you could cradle a small child in, look no further. Seriously, the slice has to go on two paper plates it is so big. It’s a marvel. The pizza itself is actually really good and one of my favorite places to get pizza from. I don’t eat a lot of pizza. I don’t recommend getting takeout from there unless they have double doors though. Like the one in my town only has a single door and to get the box out the door you have to tilt the pizza at an angle and your toppings can go everywhere in the box which makes it frustrating.

Tampa Bay Barracuda

Buffalo Chicken Pizza
[Image: buffalo-chicken-pizza.jpg]

A personal favorite of mine. I usually make it myself but you have to use real chicken. That canned bullshit has got to go. I never thought it would be a thing but if it’s done right it’s actually quite good. They key is to have enough spice but not enough to send you into a spice coma. You just want enough heat to have the kick but you still want to taste everything else. How much heat? Every bottle is different. I like to run my buffalo sauce over these black rocks I got from a cave in Colorado before I use it on anything. It adds to the experience.

Toronto North Stars
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Hot Dog Pizza
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I have not tried this personally as I am not a fan of hot dogs. My Irish taste buds never adapted and I’m quite thankful for that. I can only imagine what this tastes like but why would one decide to do this? Where do we as a society draw the line on what should and should not be on a pizza? Just because we can, does it mean we should? Sometimes it leads to rule changes and moving to a different sim engine but sometimes it causes lots of people do die. Just something to think about.

West Kendall Platoon
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McPizza

The last McDonalds to make pizza stopped doing so a few years ago and I never had the chance to try it. It was a place in West Virginia. I never made the pilgrimage to try it and it would have seemed excessive. I can only imagine what it was like.

Calgary Dragons

Domino’s Brooklyn Style
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I’m not sure if Domino’s even does this anymore. It was a thinner crust that had huge toppings on it. The slices were bigger. I imagine people from Brooklyn were offended, or maybe not. I have never been to Brooklyn but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t order this.

Edmonton Blizzard
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Ice Cream Cookie Pizza
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I’m really stretching what a pizza is here. This is more of a dessert and it looks delicious. It’s probably one of those things that you’d feel really guilty after eating but it would probably be worth it.

Los Angeles Panthers
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Grey Block Pizza
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On the way to the beach on Pico Boulevard. Get that hitter.

Minnesota Chiefs
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Stuffed Crust Pizza (various locations)
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These are just bad in my opinion. They literally take string cheese sticks and roll them up in the end of a crust and bake them. It doesn’t even taste that good. Talk about feeling guilty afterwards. “Yes I would like a cheese pizza but I also want several string cheese sticks because I like cheese. Can you put extra cheese on it too and give me some of those powdered cheese packets. Can I have some breadsticks with cheese on them too? What’s that? No, I don’t have any plans this weekend so no worries.”

New Orleans Specters

Gumbo Pizza
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I have never had gumbo, at least I don’t think I have. It sounds good so why not put it on a pizza. I think it’s a meat soup with spices or something. Throw some shrimp on there for good measure.

San Francisco Pride

Broccoli Pizza
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I’ll never forget that scene from Inside Out where they went to get pizza and it had broccoli on it. I have never been to San Francisco but this sounds like a West Coast thing. I like my vegetables but I can’t do broccoli at all and the thoughts of putting it on a pizza are all kinds of wrong to me. Still, do your thing.

Texas Renegades
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BBQ Pizza

I polled my locker room and got all kinds of answers but I’ll keep it local here. I have never tried it, even when I lived in Texas. But Texas does have great food so I’d trust them if this was done right. Can’t just be throwing all kinds of a mess on a pizza though. I’d probably need a fork but would it still be a pizza if that was the case?

Winnipeg Jets
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Little Caesar’s
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Little Caesar’s is just one of those reliable places. You go in, buy a pizza, and leave. They usually have it ready. But is it any good? In a word, no. But you would do worse. I have sworn them off though on account of finding a fly one time. They cooked this poor fly on my pizza. I was about to take a bite and thought it was just some burnt cheese, but then I saw the wing sticking up. Game over man. I’m never going back.

Anaheim Outlaws
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California Pizza Kitchen
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I have never been to one but I have seen their boxes in stores. It looks very Californian but I imagine it has that same metallic taste that all frozen pizzas have. Why is that? Anyone else notice that frozen pizza tastes like metal? I don’t eat the stuff anymore but I can’t imagine it’s enjoyable. Or maybe I have a brain tumor.

Anchorage Armada
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Anchovy Pizza
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When I think if Alaska, I think of fish. I have never had anchovies and I have never had them on pizza, clearly. I think they are in Caesar dressing which I actually like. So maybe this isn’t bad but it definitely sounds bad. Just throwing a bunch of little salty fish on a pizza? I like salty stuff though. Who knows? Maybe if I was hungry enough.

Carolina Kraken
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Papa John’s
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The only delivery I will eat. It’s not bad most of the time. Their crust has a particular taste and it hasn’t dropped in quality over the years. Domino’s used to be king or maybe I just got older but their stuff doesn’t taste the same. But Papa John’s still has it.

Colorado Raptors
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Supreme

Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I wish they made a supreme with only the toppings I liked, but then it wouldn't be supreme.

Detroit Falcons

Detroit Style
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I think I have had this before and I actually kind of like it. I like the fact that they just said “Fuck you, pizza doesn’t have to be round. It can be a rectangle.” That’s pretty cool of Detroit.

Halifax Raiders

Taco Bell Mexican Pizza
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This was like tortillas with the Taco Bell stuff in between but it was crispy. I haven’t had this since I was a child and don’t even know if it’s still a thing. I don’t eat Taco Bell at all anymore. I have nothing against it but I’d just as soon not go.

Kelowna Knights
[Image: SMJHL-Knights2.png]

Meatlover’s Pizza
[Image: Meat-Lover-27s-Pizza-1c.jpg]

This has all the meat. The hams, the pepperonis, the sausage, the bacon, the salami, and everything else that is a meat. But, that’s just too much meat. I got heartburn just thinking about it and had to take some Tums. Good luck reheating that thing too after you put it in the fridge. Just stick to one meat or maybe two.

Newfoundland Berserkers
[Image: SMJHL-Berserkers.png]

Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut is like the boyfriend or girlfriend who you don’t really like but it’s too much work and effort to look for someone else so you just settle in your misery and stay with them. There are way better options but you might just have to brush your teeth or get a haircut or look presentable, maybe put on some deodorant, and you can do better. But you don’t, because you like predictable. You like boring. You like safe. You like Pizza Hut.

St. Louis Scarecrows

Poutine Pizza
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You get stuck with poutine because Montreal does not exist anymore and St. Louis is solely responsible for that if you go back far enough. Do the research and get back to me. Enjoy your poutine.

Vancouver Whalers
[Image: Vancouver.png]

Hawaiian

Everyone’s favorite pizza! Pineapple is the perfect pizza topping for any occasion. Who doesn’t love fruit? And who doesn’t love pizza? Put them together and you have an explosion of flavor only comparable to those beautiful islands in the Pacific. It just makes you want to put on a hula skirt and dance your troubles away.

So whether you agree with this list and how I associated them with each team or you don’t, every team now has their own official pizza!

*Leppish* · 03-01-2020, 08:14 PM

Man, i really want some pizza now.

Bonk · 03-01-2020, 08:22 PM

Ha Ha @Steelhead77 and @Slappydoodle enjoy your Domino's

***Lime*** · 03-01-2020, 08:29 PM

what the fuck?

Avakael · 03-02-2020, 09:39 AM

I've no idea what Sbarro is, but I've had authentic Detroit style before and it's excellent.

***SpartanGibbles*** · 03-04-2020, 07:20 PM

I'm a lover of Detroit style even if a good one will cut a few hours off your life expectancy.

I also approve stuffed crust as the official pizza of the Chiefs. The more cheese the better.

EricNCSU · 03-04-2020, 07:39 PM

03-02-2020, 09:39 AMAvakael Wrote: I've no idea what Sbarro is, but I've had authentic Detroit style before and it's excellent.

Sbarro is a pizza by the slice joint that's usually found in a mall food court. It's not awful for what it is, but it's not great.

The only people who believe Sbarro is "New York style" is midwestern tourists who go to the Sbarro in Time's Square because they're too afraid to go more than a block away from the tour bus.

Leoben · 03-04-2020, 07:55 PM

03-04-2020, 07:39 PMEricNCSU Wrote: Sbarro is a pizza by the slice joint that's usually found in a mall food court. It's not awful for what it is, but it's not great.

The only people who believe Sbarro is "New York style" is midwestern tourists who go to the Sbarro in Time's Square because they're too afraid to go more than a block away from the tour bus.

You mean people actually get off the tour bus? That's terrifying.

*Carpy48* · 03-05-2020, 03:55 PM

Most of this I wouldn't even call pizza.

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