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***sve7en*** · 03-15-2020, 12:08 PM

[1532 words x 2 (draft media) = 3064 words, ready for grading]

This is the fifth entry on The Player's Tribune in an ongoing series following hockey prospect Jimmy Wagner through his journey of playing professionally. You can read his first piece “Hey Dad” here, or view the index of his entries here.

The season ending so abruptly was hard to cope with.

The last few months, every day was hockey from sun up to sun down. There wasn’t free time, but it wasn’t really a bad thing. Every day was just a continuation of the grind, and it would be worth it when we won the Four Star Cup. The stretch at the end of the season to clinch a share of the Laurifer Trophy, prepping for our series against Kelowna and then going all seven games against them, and every game against Anaheim, it was one objective to the next.

Then it was gone.

Unpack the locker, say goodbye to the staff for a bit, answer some questions from the media, and say goodbye to the old core we let down who were moving up. In like 24 hours there was nothing left. No training with the team, no dance offs, no film, no squeak of the whiteboard as we sketched out rotations, only the quiet and the resounding echo in the back of my mind.

“You weren’t good enough.”

It was hard to argue with the voice, and it wasn’t that I really made a lot of mistakes in the playoffs, I just didn’t create scoring opportunities like I did in the regular season. The physicality of the game went up and I just didn’t adapt. I couldn’t shake that voice, and it followed me around my apartment for that first week. So I went to the gym, a lot, and it followed me there. I went out dancing with Weston a few times, it followed me there too. I met a girl out dancing, we got brunch the next day. The voice was still there.

Sara was low key my savior in that regard, she’s a year younger than me but she’s really wise like my dad. She wasn’t planning on coming out until the cup finals, That was kinda my fault, but also a little bit cheaper on the plane ticket prices. She wanted to see me play, but also she was starting to visit some American universities that were thinking of offering her a scholarship. She’s a sprinter, I’m sure you’re surprised, and she did well at the European Athletics U20 Championships which turned some heads. I picked her up from the airport and on the way back to my place she could already tell I was in my own head and started to pick away at me.

“What have you been up to this week without hockey” quickly turned into a really insinuating “Wow, you’ve really been staying busy this week” in the 10 minutes it took to go from getting on the highway to getting back to my neighborhood. Turns out it was pretty obvious that I was trying to evade the problems rather than face them head on.

Sara:
So we get my bags into his apartment and was on him pretty quick. I sat him down and said something like “Jimmy, you can’t expect to have the puck bounce your way every time, and sometimes that means you won’t win. Even when I run perfect races, set new personal bests, sometimes people still beat you.” Literally this past winter when I was running the U20 races, I almost broke the women’s 200m record. I ran the perfect race, even thought I had false started, and someone still edged me out and tied the record. In hockey, track, or anything else, nobody wins every single thing in their career, no matter how good they are or how hard they work. Jimmy grew up not having to face that idea that much. From the time he was starting on a team to the last tournament he played back home, I don’t think he lost any kind of playoff series or game.

Jimmy, laughing:
Nope, came close a few times, but we always came through.

It definitely warped my perspective on competition a bit too. I knew how to lose with class, dad made sure of that, but I didn’t experience real loss in a competitive sense until this Four Star Playoff, and it was hard to not internalize that as someone that was used to relative perfection.

So, we talked a lot more about it into the evening, the pressure that I felt as a top pick in last season’s SMJHL draft and being near the top of the SHL boards, feeling lost as I couldn’t establish my style of play the way I wanted to in this new level of competition, and feeling like I let the whole city down after being so outspoken and engaged with the fans all season. Honestly, I wish I had been a bit more open about the pressure and the frustrations the whole time. I talked a bit about how it was hard to get used to the professional life and how I wasn’t as effective to the public. But even to the people I’m close to I glossed over and bottled up how much the pressure was getting to me when they would ask how I was doing. I definitely see now that it was really hurting me in ways that weren’t obvious and I’ve really dedicated myself to being more comfortable expressing what I actually think to Sara, dad, and even a bit with guys on the team that I’m close with like Weston.

Sara:
It also got us in a good spot mentally for the road trip. There were some schools that we weren’t going to hit up on the west coast, but we got to see and meet with most of the schools in the south that reached out to me. Vanderbilt was beautiful, and the whole city of Nashville was really fun, the people at Miami were really nice, and the campus is decently close to West Kendall, if they end up taking Jimmy. We also went out to Alabama and got to see that Iron Bowl rivalry up close because both Auburn and Alabama wanted to meet with me. We spent about two weeks on the road and met with eleven different schools. I don’t have to commit for another week, but I’ve definitely been narrowing it down. No hints though, sorry!

Wagner competing last summer at the Austrian U20 National Track Championships

Jimmy:
It was honestly exactly what I needed too, driving all around the country was a bit more relaxing than flying around for all the games, and I got to be a little bit touristy for once. I feel so much more prepared to handle this upcoming season, and hopefully Sara ends up close enough to an SMJHL city that we can see each other. I’m so happy she’ll be by my side for the draft, since dad can’t make it. The SHL draft has been a really cool process, even more so than the Juniors draft. That one is so much of a blur coming from overseas because one day you know nobody and the next your phone is blowing up with so many unknown numbers that you can’t ever sit back and appreciate the process. Every team is throwing darts, talking to every prospect, and while there’s definitely thought that goes into each pick, it’s not clear until your name is called who is going where.

Now, it’s slower, everyone has had a season in the J to show off their skills and their ceilings. Teams in the SHL are drafting for seasons down the line, and are a lot more choosy with their top picks. Teams are trading up and down because their guys have more distinct tiers that they fall into than the last draft. It’s been fun this time, not hectic, getting to meet with so many managers, having so much more media and fan attention, and it honestly feels so much more personal. They’re looking specifically at you for a pick, not a group of kids at your position that all kind of blend together, and that pick could impact a franchise for the next 14 seasons, not just the next 4.

That’s a lot of pressure, don’t you think?

When this releases, and you out there online finally get to read this, Sara and I will already be sitting down in a Montreal theater. I don’t think we will need to wait long to find out where I’ll be playing in another season or two, with how many teams have told me that I’m on their board, and honestly it’s an honor to be considered so highly by people that evaluate us prospects for their living.

The two Wagner kids from a little Austrian town called Perg are about to inject some serious speed into American sports.

As for the pressure?

Both:
We can handle it.

Jimmy Wagner

Carolina Kraken