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*leviadan* · 07-14-2020, 02:26 PM

(1446 Words - 2x WJC Media - Ready for Grading!)

What’s up SMJHL it’s your boy B-Lock, A.K.A. The Lockdown, A.K.A. The Sulfurgoldschlager Sipper-- Burlok Sulfurgold himself and I’m back with a brand new top five countdown! As you all know the World Juniors are coming up, and your friend the Fuck Boy of Forechecking is reprising his role with the teams’ offensive corps. This time around I've got a hot new 425 build and I'm ready to show it off internationally with some big hits and garbage goals.

Maybe you’re a hockey player, maybe you’re not. Maybe you're just some dweeb blogger that wants a peek into the world of pro hockey. Either way, I wanted to share a bit of my behind the scenes perspective on how this type of stuff usually goes. For coaches and GM’s there’s a lot of stat kissing and pencil neckery that goes into choosing the rosters, but the player experience is very different. We don't see every aspect of how the sausage is made, but we certainly do have to eat it! So here’s my top five ways to know you’ve been chosen by Team DACH.

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5) You Wake Up When the Time Contains Only Prime Digits

Bro this is a major tell! When the line geeks start plugging your name into their dark equations it definitely has an effect on your sleep! Something to do with the memory of electrons and how when they’re used to display your name on a screen, it resonates with the entangled partner particles within your body. Naturally this means you can only complete a REM cycle during moments of intense primal harmony. Luckily for us 7 is in the mix, so I can usually awaken at a jaunty 7:22 or 7:53 if I feel like sleeping in.

Keep in mind this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been chosen by DACH, it just means that their acolytes are testing the frequencies of your name. How does it vibrate in conjunction with other players on line two? Does it combine pleasingly with four or five other names in a chant? Does it contain any holy words or sounds? If so you're cut. That kind of shit.

4) Water Tastes Sour

If your water tastes like a Warhead and you haven’t been chosen for DACH, then I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you man! This is a telltale sign that the GM is pleased with the way your aura has bonded with their other choices. You might notice that for the first time in a year you’ve woken up at a non-prime time. That’s great! You might also notice that first thing in the morning, the spectral tendril of the GM tightens around your neck. Cool! When it finally lets go, you’ll find that you can’t have a sip of water without shuddering like you’ve bit a lemon.

To be fully honest I’m not sure why this is. I’ve talked to the other guys but they largely just hiss and melt into the floor if I ask. I don’t mind it though, I’ve always loved sour candy, and if I drink a ton of it I find that I can actually contact the coach mentally. This is how drills and tactics are sent out before our first practice as a team. There’s no faster way to learn your role than to have it seared permanently into your grey matter by rapid onset foul water telepathy.

3) You Suddenly Awaken in Germany

Now I’m from Germany, so this one isn’t too weird. But for those of you that aren’t, I can see why it would upset you. Heck, I woke up on the other side of the country! I get it! We all wake up in a different part of the German countryside with an insatiable hunger for an object of unknown origin. We don’t know what it is or where it came from, but we know exactly where to find it. Pro tip: try to keep people out of your sight as you move towards the object! I’ve reacted unpredictably during this phase if someone not on Team DACH tries to speak with me.

When you arrive, it turns out the object is a puck! Classic coach! Each of us is required to break one finger using the puck. If anyone doesn’t do it, we can’t move on to scrimmaging! Most of the time it doesn't even hurt, and instead of bleeding the finger just kind of... deflates? As if there was never anything there to begin with? Sometimes it can be frustrating waiting for one rookie coward to crush the bones of his pinky finger! Don’t be that guy! Hockey is fun, and we all want to get out there on the ice!

2) Remembering Your Loved Ones is a Pain Like No Other

Ouch! It literally causes blood to fill my mouth if I even try to remember what my Mom looks like! Did I have a son? What was his name? Oof! The skin on my cheeks split open when I thought about that! I’d better get back to drills! Thinking about hockey and performing hockey related tasks is the only thing that pleases the GM. Pleasing the GM sends waves of euphoria through the affected part of my body. For example, if I score a goal my hands pulse with a calming cold. If I block a shot, the resulting bruise expels a scented oil for four to eight hours. If I think about my sister, I feel a full body agony unlike anything I can put into words.

Legend says that if DACH can achieve gold, all of our personal histories and most cherished memories will be unlocked from the GM’s mind prison. Granted, it's just a legend, but I've met the hollow shells of past Dach players, and a handful of them have at least a glimmer of life in their eyes! Usually they say they recognize the mark on me, and that they wish me well, but they must leave me as fast as they can. While it seems unlikely this year, it’s great to know that there’s a small opportunity that I might one day recognize my son’s face again. Ouch!

1) Suddenly the Tournament is Over

Just like that, before it even started, the tournament is over! The last thing you remember is a friendly scrimmage with S̵̢̺̘̠͚̦͈̉ͤ͠t̫̣̺̪̺͉͍͍ͭ̋̒̐̑̾ͣ̚e̝̺̻̗̥̼͆́̽ͩͅv̧̪͕̺̊̀e̛̺̣ͤ͌́ͬ̿ͨ̎̕ ̶̤̞̱ͪ̅͛̂̆̅̈́͞H̛̜̺̀̀ͅa̧̤̘͓̟̟͙̓͗̈ͥ̅̎̀͜r̤͓̥̺͔̩̳ͤ̾̽̿͆͋ͥͣ̈͟ͅr͍̞̩̪͙ͮï̳̘̼̉͊͐̎̅͟n̻̺̖̼̬̏ͩ̽̉̎́͗ͬ͐g̵̳̳ͩ̎͜t̟͔͚̬̳̎̃̈́o̤̲̪̗̬̺͕̭͔ͮ̽͗͛ͣ̇̍̀͘n͊͂͏̜͖̼̻̜̝̹ and J̵̩̤̈ͧͫ̾ͦ̊͆ͮͪ͝ĭ̡͙̥̣̺̖ͧͭ́ͩ͞m̽͊̚҉̴͎͙̘̦̣́ͅḿ̡̳̺̮̞̤̯̭̎ͤ͗͋̇ͥ̓̔ỵ̦͓͙̦̖͕͔̱͋ͮ͛ ̻͎͓̫̞̟̼͌ͨ͌̓͌ͦ̄̕W̡͙͕̜̹̹ͦ̀̏ͧ̀a͓̲̗̦̙̦̗ͫ͑ͦ͞ͅg̡̖͍̦͚ͯͪ͒͂̆͑̄̇n͓̙̼͔̋̄̂̾̔ͨ͠e̶̝̦̰̿̀̓̇ͥ̑͡r̴͖͚̺̦̞̰̺ͯ̄͊̑̆͝, but now you’re in your own bed back home. If you can remember your family, then I guess that you won, and the gold was devoured by the endless hunger of the GM! If you can’t remember the faces of your beautiful children, then it’s back to step one for you! Better luck next year!

Searching your mind, all you can remember is a sensation like drowning. You know the panic when your bastard uncle pushes your head underwater just a little too long? It’s like that, but forever. There are brief flashes of hockey plays. Maybe a few passes, a few echoing goal horns-- but ultimately it’s overwhelmed by this crushing feeling of airlessness. This inability to grasp the thing that you need most, and the dread that comes with it. I’m not sure that I remember any of my teammates? Have I ever known anybody? What is my own name? Looking in the mirror provides no comfort as I see a face I've never seen before.

It’s 7:24 AM and water starts to sting my tongue again. I’m at an undisclosed location in Germany smashing my fingers with faceless creatures I’ve never met. I feel like I’m sinking. Why am I being told to curl around the hash-marks and rush the slot in my sleep? Why does it repeat in every waking moment? Was my son named Cole? Spencer? It feels like all of my fingers are broken now. Have they had time to heal? I feel a weight around my neck but I know in my heart that it's silver. It brands my skin and sends me back to the beginning. Will I age out soon? Am I ageless? Am I already dead? I keep waking up at 7:22 on the cusp of remembering the name of my daughter. I can't help but feel that it's just... gone.

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Alright folks that’s it for your boy Burlok Goldknockers! I’m excited for my chance to represent DACH for the third time in S54, and you know that I’ll be posting my usual spycam party footage from every night of the tournament. I’m a real piece of shit! Anyways, see you on the other side, and good luck to the other losers in the tournament. DACH! DACH! DACH!

Blues · 07-14-2020, 02:36 PM

can confirm have experienced each one of these several times

*leviadan* · 07-14-2020, 03:03 PM

07-14-2020, 02:36 PMBlues Wrote: can confirm have experienced each one of these several times

**Lime** · 07-14-2020, 03:05 PM

One of us

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