Login

Thelastheraclid · 09-15-2020, 10:44 AM

(1617 words. Double Draft Media)

I bid you a fine evening, simulation hockey league travelers. Come sit by the fire and witness the truly awe inspiring powers of THE ANAGRAMS. The spirits were rather coy with me this season and chose not to reveal their great gift until after the SHL draft had occurred. Perhaps they felt that they had swayed the flow of destiny too much last season. Now my weary guests, they will reveal what great fortunes and terrible fates await all of those young men and women that have joined us.

As always please be aware that the anagram spirits are fickle and cryptic and I do my best to decipher whatever it is that they speak to me.

First, the spirits wanted to speak their piece about how they feel about each of the SHL teams.

Atlanta Inferno - Infernal oat ant
Baltimore Platoon - Ballerina toot mop
Buffalo Stampede - Fatso ape fumbled
Chicago Syndicate - Its coach decaying
Hamilton Steelhawks - Then I sell tomahawks
Manhattan Rage - Ate hangman rat
New England Wolfpack - Peck gnaw downfallen
Tampa Bay Barracuda - A capybara bra datum
Toronto North Stars - Trot to sonar thorns

Calgary Dragons - Scraggly or nada
Edmonton Blizzard - Nab drizzled on Tom
Los Angeles Panthers - Nonetheless rap gals
Minnesota Chiefs - Shame infections
New Orleans Specters - No leper newscasters
San Francisco Pride - Financiers do carps
Seattle Argonauts - Ate astronauts leg
Texas Renegades - Extend sages era
Winnipeg Jets - Wine spent jig

Round One - Undone or….

1. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Aleksander Kozlov
With the first overall pick Tampa Bay selected Aleksander Kozlov. The spirits believe that Kozlov is a bit shamanistic. They tell me that he seeks the bravery of nature, “ask valor dozen elk”. Will he draw upon the strength of twelve elk? He could be a bit of a party animal thought, “zeal snorkel vodka”. I’m seeing a young man absolutely destroying bottles of vodka that friends pour down a breathing apparatus. If the Barracuda can keep him in line and the spirits answer his prayers he could have a great career ahead of him.

2. Toronto North Stars - Evangelos Giannopoulos
Evangelos Giannopoulos looks to be a bit of a lone wolf, “go solo enveloping sauna”. No telling if this will be enough to hurt a young locker room in Toronto, though. EG may have some strange relationships within his family from what the spirits hear, “go guano on pa loveliness”. I’m sure everyone here is familiar with what guano is thanks to Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls. Weird Stuff. Something good to hear is that EG is not an anti-vaxxer, “no vagueness along polio”. The guano could bring some diseases into the room but at least polio won’t be one of them.

3. Minnesota Chiefs - Rock Strongo
Strongo is going to find his career in jeopardy thanks to his behavior off of the ice, “strong crook”. Legal issues may keep this young man from ever getting started in the SHL. The spirits are also saying “tongs or cork” which is especially cryptic. Perhaps this could be a reference to Strongo’s profession after being thrown out of the SHL. Maybe he ends up in the food service industry.

4. New England Wolfpack - Calvin Hobbes
I’m sure the Wolfpack are happy with their pick in Calvin Hobbes but the spirits doubt his ability to stay in shape. “An chives blob” and “havoc nibbles” both look to mean that Hobbes diet may interfere with his ability to come into camp ready to play. If he is not able to control himself he could find himself in a “scab bin hovel” rather than some Boston high rise because he blew his shot.

5. New England Wolfpack - Grandmaster Funk
Oh geez more potential bad luck for New England. The spirits are telling me that Funk has a problem not with food but with the drink and other substances, “a drunk fragments” and “frankest drug man”. I hope management in New England heads the spirits’ warnings if not for the club but the lives of these young players.

6. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Vladmir Petrov
The spirits are big fans of Vladmir Petrov. The first thing I hear is, “valved trim pro”. VP looks to be in prime shape and ready to go in the SHL sooner rather than later. Physically he looks good but mentally the spirits aren’t so sure, “river vamp dolt”. Overall it is a huge win for Tampa. You don’t need an Einstein in the locker room to win a cup or at least get you out of the basement.

7. San Francisco Pride - Yngve Simonsson
With the seventh overall pick, the San Francisco Pride selected Yngve Simonsson. It looks like YS will be coming into the organization already with a chip on his shoulder, “envying moss son”. I don’t know who Moss is but YS looks to be jealous of his son. YS also looks to be another young player with a drinking problem, “sonny moves gins”. The SHL front office should really take a look into the J and figure out what is causing these young players to crawl into the bottle the way they do. To end on a positive is, “no veins, gyms son”. I am thinking that the spirits are saying YS is all natural when it comes to his personal training.

8. Los Angeles Panthers - Jonas Kahnwald
At number 8 was Jonas Kahnwald going to the Los Angeles Panthers. JK is going to become a popular man in the greater LA area, “an ad jowls Hank”. His jowls are going to the plastered all over tinsel town. Maybe he ends up a tv show or something too. To go with that he is going to be well known for his fashion sense, “a swank lad John”. Looks like LA could be a perfect fit.

9. Winnipeg Jets - Jasper Maximov
Maximov was chosen to head to the great white north ninth overall. The spirits want everyone to know that Maximov went through a Twilight phase in his youth, “is major ex vamp”. Either he grew out of it or didn’t like the movie adaptations. Jasper is also apparently quite the jazz musician, “am jive sax romp”. In a very strange twist JM seems to have a very oedipal past, “java sex mom rip”. The tabloids in Winnipeg are already looking into it.

10. Hamilton Steelhawks - Sarah Burke
Sarah Burke was the next draftee selected by the Steelhawks. Burke may have been hoping for a warmer city to be drafted by, “burr, a shake”. Perhaps she isn’t so great with those Canadian winters. I am hearing “she rub a ark”. I take this as Burke being the ark that will carry Hamilton into their next era of greatness.

11. Texas Renegades - Slava Petrov
Another Petrov but this one heads down to Renegade country. Slava looks to be a fan of the herb, “vapors valet”. He is going to be showing that fine smoke where it can park. The Texas desert will be great for Slava’s interest in snake wrangling, “asp vat lover”.

12. Tampa Bay Barracuda - KnockedOut ByOvechkin
KO is going to be quite well known by the ladies down in Tampa for both his body and his brain, “convicted key book hunk”. The spirits also think that he will be known for his wild sex romps, “behooved cocky kink nut”. No kink shaming here she reporting what the spirits tell me.

13. Calgary Dragons - Sachimo Zoidberg III
This third generation player has a taste for horror. It might really get his engines running if you catch my drift, “hi zombies. Rigid. Ciao”. Once again, no kink shaming. You do you young man.

14. New England Wolfpack - Teylora Petrov
This Petrov joins the Wolfpack at number 14. The spirits are saying that after the initial contract TP could cut and run, “revolter to pay”. On the plus side TP takes care physically, “overtly eat pro”. No worries about coming into camp overweight here. It looks like TP also is proud of being Russian (?), “potato revelry”.

15. Seattle Argonauts - Dee Centerman IV
DC is the one to thank for any new Looney Toons, “reinvented acme”. Centerman is also a man that takes care of the food he eats, “venerated mince”. DC may be an old school bruiser type that plays all the way over the edge, “dirt nee caveman”.

16. Los Angeles Panthers - Vili Afalava
Vili Afalava is going to be a player that thrives in hard situations, “if lava, I lava”. Vili will deal with every problem and evolve. VA will also learn from any mistakes made, “viva a al fail”. He looks to be a solid addition to a locker room. A real glue guy.

17. Tampa Bay Barracuda - Phillip Weaver
Weaver was the runt of his family according to the spirits but he overcame his physical deficiencies and made it to the SHL, “I whelp, prevail”. Unfortunately that tough adolescence may have driven yet another young man to the drink, “whip liver pale”. That liver could be as good as gone before he knows it. Keep It together young man. Look at how far you have come.

18. Seattle Argonauts - Zdenko Beranek
Beranek is going to have a strong first year with the Argonauts once he makes his way up, “baker dozen ken”. They seem to think he is going to pot 13 goals in his first year. ZB is going to transition that hot rookie year to a contract that could demolish the young franchise Seattle, “keen bank dozer”. Seattle better watch their wallet and weight their future carefully.

AHHHH the spirits are leaving me. I pray they return soon so that the rest of the draft class may see what fate holds in store for them.

(1617 words. Double Draft Media)

W19eaver · 09-15-2020, 11:06 AM

Best draft media on here

enigmatic · 09-15-2020, 11:38 AM

#teamjacob

***Ace*** · 09-15-2020, 02:12 PM

lmfao

funk · 09-15-2020, 09:17 PM

To be totally honest I am a pretty frank drug man

Jala · 09-16-2020, 01:03 PM

I see you found my search history.

This is well done, great job!

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us