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GCool · 01-01-2021, 12:13 PM

Editor's Note: It's my assumption that in the SHL universe, COVID-19 does not exist. The crowds mentioned hereafter are perfectly fine.

ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA -- The annual Anaheim Outlaws New Year's Party took a rather different tone this year. Deemed the "x2 Holiday Party" because of the absence of a formal Christmas party this year, all of the Outlaws young and old showed up for what was sure to be a complete blowout.

Kegs were provided by the local breweries that typically supply the concession stands of the Outlaw Saloon. Among these are Backstreet Brewery and Legends Craft Brewery, just a few blocks from the stadium itself. It's hard to say just how many kegs made it into the venue, as some rather burly ex-Outlaws were commandeering every second or third keg for their personal party in the back. This did not impress all-knowing general manager and de-facto party coordinator @BDonini.

There were several non-Outlaws players there as well. Jimmy Wagner @sve7en , Alexander Roach @Faelax , and Richard Bjerg @AgentSmith630 all showed up as guests of "Long" John Donair specifically. Dwight Knight @hockeyiscool showed up a little bit later, also as a guest of Donair -- but he was tasked, somehow, with selecting the night's entertainment. How he got this task is still unclear to both friends and primary investigators. This is when the party started to take a turn.

It's important to note that there were at least 500 people from Anaheim and the surrounding area came to party alongside their favorite SMJHL and SHL players. It was, in theory, a good idea at the time. As the party started to grow, and the bar tab continued to climb to truly unprecedented proportions (honestly great for the Outlaws organization as they have been middling with regard to ticket sales at the middle of the 66-game season), the hired entertainment decided to go acapella.

The entertainer was introduced by Knight, to Donair and the rest of his crew, as "Mr. Sad". It seemed on-brand to Donair, simply because although he wasn't privy to the exact trends of music now, it followed logically that "sadbois" are who would ironically present themselves as such only to produce ripping, high-intensity EDM that everyone loves to party to. Mr. Sad played a mean set for about an hour and a half, and then he abruptly cut his own music to say something:

"EY! I'm Mr. Sad! How's everybody doin' tonight?"

The crowd cheered, although the confusion in some people's voices was audible.

"I know I been pushin' that same shit that y'all like out all night. And it's been loud and y'all been great. But I wanna take this opportunity before we ring in 2021 to say some stuff I got on my mind. I do my own songs and this is one I just came up with:

Oh take me back to your house
Lay up next to me on your coach
Lips started to touch
Once we start we know we can’t stop
Don’t have time to waste
Til the clothes hit the floor
Holding you tight by that candlelight
I thought the stars were shining bright
Til I saw you naked at starlight
Holding you close
Kissing your ear
As the chords start to play in my head
I rub you just so gently"

It was at the "rub you just so gently" line that the crowd started to boo. This recitation had no background music, no lighting, no excitement. It had effectively killed the buzz of some 500 people in the Outlaw Saloon who had just been throwing down to a great set. Nobody knew what to do. People started shouting out random things to the rest of the crowd:

"Yeah, I got somethin' to say! I think Danny Foster should be in the Hall of Fame. There, I fuckin' said it. Happy New Year to everybody!"

To that point, a few dozen people cheered. It couldn't be heard over the laughter and boos, though.

"Yeah, me too! Happy new year! Donair ain't shit without Boxman!"

That one, fortunately for Donair's ego, was met with a number of boos.

"Happy 2021 everybody! The SHL is actually chess, and the GMs are the board, rooks, bishops, knights, kings, and queens. All of the players are pawns, except the goalies, which are the clock in timed games. Woooooooooo!"

That comment was met with absolute silence. It wasn't long before "Long" John hoped to take control of the situation by cutting off Mr. Sad and getting on stage.

"Now, people," started Donair. "I know that 2020 has been tough for some of the fans, in their personal lives as well as watching the Outlaws kinda middle-out. It's been frustrating for me, too. I'm sure that you've wanted more updates from us as a team to the media, and to all of you. But the fact of the matter is we're not a team of vocal people! It doesn't mean that we don't care -- in fact, quite the opposite. Most of us care a great deal about how the team does, and we're working hard every day. We really appreciate all of you coming out every game to cheer us on. That's why we wanted to bring everyone in for this party, and that's why we'll continue to do it every year, even long after I'm not an Outlaw and I'm up on the Panthers or maybe even some other team years from now!

Jimmy, chill, I'm talkin like hypothetical 25 seasons down the road bro

All I want to know is --"

In an instant, Donair captivated the crowd, turned to Mr. Sad, and pushed him off the stage into a crowd of keg-sitters.

"WHO'S READY TO KICK THIS PARTY BACK UP?!"

Donair pushed nearly every button on the soundboard and, miraculously, "Sandstorm" by Darude started. It's a known fact that nobody can be angry while Sandstorm is playing. The Party Gods shined down on the Outlaws by resuming the party with a universal banger.

From then on, things went more or less without a hitch. There were, quite obviously, a few bar fights -- Michael Scotch @marco999 got the better of a guy who was simply quoting statistics in his face for far too long. Star Outlaws goalie Vincent Mietitore @ViN was about to get in a scrap with two different drunkards who somehow blame his performance for nearly every Outlaws loss in the last two years, but Farley Hank @Beebob and Ryu Jones @SFresh3 were not having that -- they dispatched the assholes with relative ease.

Apart from that, Asclepius Perseus Flitterwind @CaptainCrazy whipped up some great burgers and dogs for the drunk and hungry crowd (that was clearly more tense overall than originally pictured). It was a scene to behold. As is tradition with these parties, "Auld Lang Syne" was sung by the entire crowd at the strike of midnight, and while the party had seemed to be relative sausage-fest, enough couples were seen romantically ringing in 2021 with style. A blowout that had a lot of potential to go awry ended up being a lot of fun. It was, hopefully, a perfect motivator for the Outlaws to finish their S57 campaign strong.

***AgentSmith630*** · 01-01-2021, 05:06 PM

let's fuckin rage bro

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