Mikael Choybuk is a player on the Calgary Dragons, so you know he comes from a city of losers. Not only is he so used to losing, but he also has to be one of the worst shooters in the entire SHL. He might think he is all that, but in fact he gets way more recognition than he deserves. Choybuk is not any more than a SMJHL player, and should have stayed there. If you're talking about chicken parms, he can't even tell the difference between a good and bad meal. Choybuk once thought he ate a chicken parm, but it was only spaghetti. He did not even know the difference. Mikael Choybuk's entire SHL career has just been him coasting around the front of the net while the rest of his line mates do all the work. All of his goals have come from the hard work of the rest of his team. He has been nothing but garbage.

//





Michael "Big Game" Boychuk || D || Calgary Dragons
Name: Michael Boychuk
Age: Old
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 195 lbs
Number: 23
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Career Statistics || Calgary Dragons
S24 REG: GP: 52, G: 1, A: 13, P: 14, +/-: -5, PIMS: 42, H: 53, SB: 36
S25 REG: GP: 50, G: 3, A: 13, P: 16, +/-: 5, PIMS: 42, H: 49, SB: 30
S26 REG: GP: 50, G: 1, A: 22, P: 23, +/-: 8, PIMS: 58, H: 69, SB: 37
S27 REG: GP: 50, G: 4, A: 24, P: 28, +/-: 8, PIMS: 46, H: 54, SB: 31
S28 REG: GP: 50, G: 6, A: 26, P: 32, +/-: -5, PIMS: 10, H: 25, SB: 55
S29 REG: GP: 50, G: 7, A: 28, P: 35, +/-: 10, PIMS: 6, H: 29, SB: 46
S30 REG: GP: 50, G: 6, A: 35, P: 41, +/-: 27, PIMS: 0, H: 26, SB: 54
S31 REG: GP: 50, G: 8, A: 38, P: 46, +/-: 19, PIMS: 6, H: 30, SB: 71
S32 REG: GP: 50, G: 7, A: 24, P: 31, +/-: -1, PIMS: 28, H: 27, SB: 66
S33 REG: GP: 50, G: 9, A: 34, P: 43, +/-: 8, PIMS: 34, H: 78, SB: 69
S34 REG: GP: 50: G: 3, A: 31, P: 34, +/-: -2, PIMS: 50, H: 100, SB: 67
S35 REG: GP: 50, G: 2, A: 36, P: 38, +/-: 24, PIMS: 36, H: 90, SB: 76
S36 REG: GP: 50, G: 8, A: 32, P: 40, +/-: 14, PIMS: 46, H: 68. SB: 56
S37 REG: GP: 50: G: 5, A: 22, P: 27, +/-: 8, PIMS: 56, H: 139, SB: 84
S38 REG: GP: 50, G: 7, A: 20, P: 27, +/-: 7, PIMS: 52, H: 103, SB: 58
S39 REG: GP: 50, G: 4, A: 28, P: 32, +/-: 21, PIMS: 22, H: 38, SB: 66
S40 REG: GP: 50, G: 4, A: 20, P: 24, +/-: 6, PIMS: 10, H: 32, SB: 55
S41 REG: GP: 50, G: 0, A: 13, P: 13, +/-: -3, PIMS: 6, H: 9, SB: 51
S42 REG: GP: 50, G: 1, A: 13, P: 14, +/-: -2, PIMS: 2, H: 6, SB: 26
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoff Statistics || Calgary Dragons
S24 PLF: GP: 4, G: 0, A: 1, P: 1, +/-: -1, PIMS: 2, H: 3, SB: 4
S25 PLF: GP: 5, G: 0, A: 0, P: 0, +/-: -5, PIMS: 2, H: 5, SB: 7
S26 PLF: GP: 7, G: 0, A: 2, P: 2, +/-: +2, PIMS: 2, H: 10, SB: 3
S27 PLF: GP: 18, G: 5, A: 5, P: 10, +/-: -1, PIMS: 12, H: 15, SB: 10
S28 PLF: GP: 5, G: 0, A: 1, P: 1, +/-: 1, PIMS: 2, H: 0, SB: 4
S29 PLF: GP: 19, G: 0, A: 11, P: 11, +/-: +3, PIMS: 0. H: 4, SB: 21
S30 PLF: GP: 11, G: 2, A: 4, P: 6, +/-: -4, PIMS: 0, H: 6, SB: 23
S31 PLF: GP: 6, G: 1, A: 5, P: 6, +/-: 0, PIMS: 0, H: 3, SB: 1
S32 PLF: GP: 16, G: 3, A: 9, P: 12, +/-: 8, PIMS: 4, H: 14, SB: 16
S33 PLF: GP: 16, G: 4, A: 12, P: 16, +/-: 1, PIMS: 6, H: 32, SB: 28
S35 PLF: GP: 13, G: 2, A: 6, P: 8, +/-: 5, PIMS: 10, H: 14, SB: 13
S36 PLF: GP: 11, G: 3, A: 2, P: 5, +/-: -10, PIMS: 4, H: 23, SB: 26
S37 PLF: GP: 7, G: 3, A: 4, P: 7, +/-: -1, PIMS: 8, H: 19, SB: 14
S38 PLF: GP: 17, G: 3, A: 17, P: 20, +/-: 12, PIMS: 14, H: 19, SB: 31
S39 PLF: GP: 4, G: 0, A: 0, P: 0, +/-: -2, PIMS: 0, H: 6, SB: 7
S40 PLF: GP: 19: G: 0, A: 4, P: 4, +/-: 6, PIMS: 2, H: 11, SB: 28
S41 PLF: GP: 6: G: 0, A: 4, P: 4, +/-: 1, PIMS: 0, H: 0, SB: 8
S42 PLF: GP: 16: G: 0, A: 5, P: 5, +/-: 3, PIMS: 2, H: 2, SB: 11
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Career Statistics || Regina Force
S22 REG: GP: 40, G: 10, A: 18, P: 28, +/-: -5, PIMS: 41, H: 29, SB: 45
S23 REG: GP: 40, G: 12, A: 26, P: 38, +/-: -3, PIMS: 81, H: 74, SB: 42
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoff Statistics
S22 PLF: GP: 5, G: 0, A: 3, P: 3, +/-: -2, PIMS: 7, H: 7, SB: 10
S23 PLF: GP: 5, G: 2, A: 3, P: 5, +/-: 1, PIMS: 14, H: 9, SB: 8
------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions:
Drafted 14th overall by Regina in the S22 SMJHL Entry Draft
Drafted 5th overall by Calgary in the S23 SHL Entry Draft
------------------------------------------------------------
Awards:
S27 Challenge Cup (CGY)
S29 Challenge Cup (CGY)
S32 Challenge Cup (CGY)
S40 Challenge Cup (CGY)
S42 Challenge Cup (CGY)

Makrus “The Loser” Jager is a wannabe hockey player in the simulation hockey league. Jager was allegedly born in Kassel Germany, but no records seem to exist to support this claim. Makrus Jager has never been registered on a professional or amateur team in Germany. The truth is Jager likely made up these stories to better sell himself to a SMJHL team.
Jager plays for the Vancouver Whalers as a center. If you can call it playing. He only had 3 points in his rookie season. Jager’s second season did not fair much better with only 25 points. He was out scored by several rookies on his team. Jager is currently playing in his third season and is somehow on the first line. Its still early in the season and the Whalers have time to rethink that decision.
There is speculation that Makrus Jager could be the Vancouver player that is wanted in Germany. WZZT’s Jenny Reid did a report on an anonymous hockey player that faked his death after becoming a wanted fugitive in Germany. Nothing has been confirmed yet about if this was referring to Jager or another player in Vancouver.

ISFL affiliate PT

Sekai Wollker was thought to be the next great one. The chosen one as it were. But has this scrub been nothing but a great disappointment to the delight of all his haters. All fourteen of them... but what they make up for in lack of numbers, is they relish in intensity of the hate of him.

Sekai Wollker deserves to be pushed into a volcano frankly. A complete waste of a tailored uniform and barely even an Outlaw in real life.

Should there ever come a time when Sekai was to find himself without a hand and clinging desperately to a Tibanna gas mine, no one will come for him. No one would hear his pleas for help. Well, they would but honestly, no one would care. Let him fall and let the Emperor rule the galaxy in the best way he sees fit. With an evil cackle and a purple light saber. And also a weird face. Seriously. Just ugg.

---

---

Alexander Oscarsson, born in fuck do I know somwhere in Sweden, is a "professional" hockey player. He started out as a forward before sucking so much he swapped into defence, where he continued his trend of sucking. He was drafted by the Maine Timber at 21st overall in what was considered a reach by many. After spending 4 seasons sucking down in the SMJHL where he somehow got made captain. Maybe that's why Maine still hasn't won a 4-star yet.

He moved up to New England, got to play a season and a half before stabbing them in the back and moving to San Fran Pride. Here he hasn't made an impact (shocker). For some reason he's being put on the first d-pairing still. Maybe someday they'll learn.

His international career is a bit more redeemable. Two silvers in the WJC and 0 games played in the IIHF. Sweden knows what they're doing in regards to Oscarsson.

Theodor Larsson


SMJHL

Team: Maine
Drafted: 21st OA
By: Maine Timber
Games played: 228
Goals: 49
Assists: 79
Points: 138
----------------------------------------
Playoffs
Games played: 41
Goals: 5
Assists: 17
Points: 22



SHL

Team: San Francisco Pride
Drafted: 8th OA
By: New England Wolfpack
Games played: 195
Goals: 15
Assists: 49
Points: 64

----------------------------------------
Playoffs
Games played: 11
Goals: 1
Assists: 4
Points: 5



Achievements/History

S53 WJC Silver
S54 Team Sweden WJC GM
S55 Assistant Captain of Maine Timber
S56-S57 Captain of Maine Timber
S57-S59 New England Co-GM
S57 WJC Silver
S59 Traded to San Francisco Pride
----------------------------------------

Patrick Shepherd is an American traitor professional ice hockey player. Being born in the United States, Patrick started playing boring hockey at an early age before garner some attention and getting drafted too high by the Maine Timber. After underperforming during his rookie season he was given a chance to play for the United States at the IIHF World Junior Championship where he won a gold medal for doing basically nothing. After another disappointing season with the Timber, Shepherd made his most infamous move. He transferred from the United States at IIHF to join a weak Ireland team despite winning a gold with the United States. He was rewarded unjustly by being taken too high in the first round by the Baltimore Platoon. This is where is career took a turn for the worst and he continued to underperform and be an overall disappointment until the Platoon got a chance to dump him off in the expansion draft where he was taken by the Philadelphia Forge.

Thank you @Ragnar  for the Sig!

Previously: Patrick Shepherd (S52 - S64)

Lord Raiden (Simulation Hockey League)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Lord Raiden is a hockey player for the Baltimore Platoon in the SHL. He first entered the league on, it doesn't really matter because his presence is forgettable. His nickname is Lord of Slumber because he looks like he is sleeping on the ice all the time. He has never amounted to anything in his career. His biggest claim to fame is his -5 and 6 Giveaways to the Tampa Bay Barracuda, who are by far a much superior team. 

Lord Raiden's only chance of becoming a relevant player in the league is the hope of being traded to a team like the Tampa Bay Barracuda or the Hamilton Steelhawks. But then again such teams don't need such a worthless player, but he could ride the pine to a Cup. Really there is no hope for Raiden, so he might as well give up and retire before the embarrassment becomes much worse.  

-162 words

C- Lord Raiden                |          TPE: 2044      |              Baltimore Platoon

Height: 6'1"

Weight: 210

Number: 19

Birthplace: Washington DC, USA

SMJHL S54 Pick 54, 6th round - Colorado Raptors

SHL S55 Pick 20, 2nd round - Baltimore Platoon

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Career Statistics:

SHL Regular Season: 

S57 BAP| 66 GP | 12  G |  9  A | 21 P | -42 |  16 PIM |  1 PPP | FO%- 52.8% 

S58 BAP| 66 GP | 11  G | 11 A |  22 P | -36 |  44 PIM |  2 PPP | FO%- 63.0%

S59 BAP| 66 GP |  9  G  | 21 A | 30 P | -38 | 14 PIM | 1 PPP | 100 Hits

S60 BAP| 66 GP | 15  G | 28 A | 43 P | +13 | 20 PIM | 5 PPP | 106 Hits

S61 BAP| 66 GP | 21 G  | 40 A | 61 P | +26 | 10 PIM | 3 PPP | 140 Hits

S62 BAP| 66 GP | 20 G  | 31 A | 51 P | +47 | 20 PIM | 1 PPP | 109 Hits

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SMJHL Regular Season:

S54 COL| 50 GP |  9  G |  1  A | 10 P | -3 |  2 PIM |  2 PPP | FO%- 60.3%

S55 COL| 50 GP | 14 G | 25 A | 39 P | +10 | 18 PIM | 11 PPP | FO%- 57.0 %

S56 COL| 50 GP | 20 G | 23 A | 43 P | -5 | 56 PIM | 16 PPP | FO%- 58.2 %

 

WJC Stats:

S54 USA | 12 GP | 1 G | 4 A | 5 P | -12 | 4 PPP | 29 SOG | 26 Hits 

S55 USA | 12 GP | 2 G | 6 A | 8 P | -2 | 1 PPP | 23 SOG | 17 Hits 

S56 USA | 12 GP | 6 G | 9 A | 15 P | +6 | 6 PPP | 30 SOG | 15 Hits 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Career Accomplishments  

S54 WJC Gold Medal - USA

S56 WJC Silver Medal - USA

S56 SMJHL Western Conference All-Star Team  

S56 2nd Team All-SMJHL

Awards: 

S54 COL - The Alexander Zajac Trophy  

S56 COL - The Bo Kane Trophy 

S56 COL - The Zinaida Titova Trophy 

Jumbo                      |             GM                 |              Colorado Raptors

S56 - S59 | Colorado CO-GM  

S60 - S67| Colorado GM :  321 W - 172 L - 35 OTL 

 

        

Thanks to @DELIRIVM @sköldpaddor @Merica for the Sigs

Stan Q Next

Stan Q Next is one of hte worst players in the history of the SHL and I mean he is just a bum. He has done absolutely nothing in his SHL Career and is a waste of space on the Atlanta Inferno. This supposed "two way" center is really just a 0 way center. I mean the guy can't do anything at all. He cannot score or shoot, he cannot pass, he cannot check or mark his man, he does not block shots, he does not skate well. Stan Q Next is a B U M BUM. Like I dont even know why you are reading this wikipedia page, it is wasting your time. It is a waste of my time to write a wiki about this straight ass bum. He has never won anything, he has not played well, he is just a straight up bad player who is not that good. That's a guy who is wasting your time.

Update Page

Tom fidler is a fuckin hockey puck who won't meditat on the flat earth his shorts are full of cheese steaks and he can't skate faster than a 3 year old he's always treating us like he's strnger than us but the boy can't lay a pipe like i do and he never said fuck the penltys he's just a down low Joe with clown shoes one time in Vegas Tom fiddler thought he was bigger than his britches and made a big talk about doing blow off of hookers but the truth is that he got a boner right away and couldn't do two lines some captain he is walking around in clown shoes can't even fit them in his skates Terry Bradshaw whispered to me the prophet that Tom fiddler us a jabroni who shouldn't be captain he should step down to let a real man of steel fill those shoes a man who knows about the flat earth and can score goals

[S69] Tiberius Kane | Left Wing | GFG | 473 TPE
S67: WJC Silver
S68: Drafted 3rd Overall to GFG
S68: Drafted 14th Overall to TEX
S69: WJC Bronze


[S67] Nichael Fitted + [S64] Backup Goaltender


[S50] Tom Fiddler | Two-Way Center | Peak 2006 TPE | RETIRED

Drafted 4th round, 34th overall in S49 SMJHL Entry Draft
Drafted 2nd round, 24th overall in S50 SHL Entry Draft
Traded to Tampa Bay for a ham sandwich in S52

* = First Place

 Career Stats    |  GP |  G  |  A  | P    | +/-  |  Hit  |  SB  |    Sh  |  GA |  TK
 SHL  Regular    | 657 | 144 | 284 | 428 | -213 | 777 | 1013 | 1520 | 292 | 393
 SHL Playoffs    |  39    | 5   |  14 |  19  | -16  | 63  |    52  |          |        |       
 IIHF Regular    | 168 | 19  |  45  |  64 |  7   | 153 |    90  |          |        |       



SHL Regular Season Stats
Szn  |Team| GP | G |  A  | P    |  +/-  |  TOI | Hit | SB | Sh | PIM
S53 | TBB |  50 | 5  | 15 | 20| -24| 17:16  |  46 | 77 | 56 | 10
S54 | TBB |  45 | 1  | 10 | 11 | -80 | 18:35 |  60 | 171  | 55 | 17
S55 | TBB |  50 | 1  | 19 | 20 | -56 | 18:37 |  31 | 86    | 82 | 14
S56 | TBB |  50 | 5  | 15 | 20 | -35 | 19:22 |  34 | 112 | 101| 20
S57 | TBB |  66 | 14 | 32 | 46 | -26 | 24:48 | 64 |100  |152 | 20
S58 | TBB |  66 | 29 | 40 | 69 | -2  | 25:59  |100| 74 |180 | 20
S59 | TBB |  66 | 19 | 39 | 58 | -3  | 25:33  |105| 95 |188 | 14
S60 | TBB |  66 | 23 | 23 | 46 | 4  | 22:33  | 66  | 50  |159 | 26
S61 | TBB |  66 | 10 | 35 | 45 | 12 | 22:17  | 98  | 72  |182 | 20
S62 | TBB |  66 | 16 | 23 | 39 | -2  | 20:23  |104 | 57  |183 | 4
S63 | TOR | 66 | 21 | 33 | 54 | -1  |  20:29  | 69  |119  |182 | 39



SHL Playoff Stats
Szn  |Team| GP | G |  A  | P  |  +/- |  TOI  | Hit | SB | Sh | PIM
S59 | TBB |  5    | 1 |  1 |  2  |  -6  | 22:11  | 10  |  5  | 12  |  0 
S60 | TBB |  4    | 0 |  0 |  0  |  -6  | 22:49  |  8  |  1 |  7   | 0 
S61 | TBB |  13  | 1 |  9 | 10  |  0  | 21:06  | 17  | 13 | 29  | 0 
S62 | TBB |  12  | 1 |  3 |  4  |  -4 | 20:01  | 20  | 18 | 24  | 2
S63 | TOR |  5    | 2 |  1 |  3  |  0  | 21:16  |  8  | 15 | 15  |0 


SMJHL Career | GP: 200| G: 36 | A: 102 | P: 138 | +/-: 42
SMJHL Playoff Career | GP: 52| G: 9 | A: 23 | P: 32 | +/-: 5

SMJHL Regular Season Stats
S49 | MTL | GP: 50 | G: 3 | A: 16 | P: 19 | +/-: 2 | FO%: 42.43% | FOT: 898
S50 | CAR | GP: 50 | G: 6 | A: 15 | P: 21 | +/-: -6 | FO%: 50.93% | FOT: 1237
S51*| CAR | GP: 50 | G: 11 | A: 38 | P: 49 | +/-: 24 | FO%: 53.08% | FOT: 1313
S52 | CAR | GP: 50 | G: 16 | A: 33 | P: 49 | +/-: 22 | FO%: 53.33% | FOT: 1202

SMJHL Playoff Stats
S49*| MTL | GP: 17 | G: 2 | A: 7 | P: 9 | +/-: 5 | FO%: 51.96% | FOT: 433
S50*| CAR | GP: 18 | G: 4 | A: 5 | P: 9 | +/-: 5 | FO%: 50.28% | FOT: 356
S51  | CAR | GP:  6 | G: 2 | A: 2 | P: 4 | +/-: -1| FO%: 47.68% | FOT: 151
S52  | CAR | GP:  11 | G: 1 | A: 9| P: 10 | +/-: -4| FO%: 51.34% | FOT: 261

Awards
S49 Four Star Cup
S50 Four Star Cup
S51 Laurifer Trophy
S51 Petr Klimek Award for the Best Two-Way Player with Joseph Weston
S52 Honorary 3-way Laurifer Paricipation Trophy
S52 Alternate Captain of Carolina
S52 Petr Klimek Award for the Best Two-Way Player with Joseph Weston
S52 Kurtis Hunter Award for Team's Choice MVP
S52 IIHF Gold Medal
S53 IIHF Bronze Medal
S54 The Winless Season
S54 IIHF Silver Medal
S55 IIHF Gold Medal
S56 IIHF Silver Medal
S57 IIHF Silver Medal
S58 IIHF Silver Medal
S60 IIHF Silver Medal
S61 IIHF GoldMedal


IIHF Federation Head - Great Britain
S56: Silver
S57: Silver
S58: Silver
S59: DNQ
S60: Silver
S61: Gold
S62: DNQ
S68: Lost 1st Round
S69: Bronze


Fuck the penaltys
ARGARGARHARG

amabacus cuddles was born on monday the 86th of the 6th month of flat earth calendar but who cares about all that amabacus is tall and mean the guy is like 3 shaqs in a trench coat kinda like trella when he goes to buy juul pods amabacus cuddles is a fan favorite here in tamoa bay cuz he gets down and dirty he likes to show that hokey pokey dopey tom diddler how to get jiggly with it that guy tom fiddler thinks hes all that but he doesnt even think the earth is flat so what does that say about him amabacus cuddles likes to scream fuck the penalyies and also likes to fuck tom fiddlers mom all night also we should tax luke more like puke though that dude is a corrupt rockefeller type who uses his stolen funds to SMEAR FHN AND THE GOOD NAME OF TERRY BRADSHAW

Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!

Teddy Cuddles  |  RW  | Edmonton Blizzard | Hall of Fame
Player Type : Two Way Forward
Height: 6'5" | Weight: 220 lbs | Age: 19
Number: 79
Birthplace: Providence, Rhode Island, USA
--------------------------------------------------------------
Regular Season Stats :
S35 | STL | GP:28 | G:2 | A:1 | P:3 | PIMs:5 | HIT:7 | Shots:25 | +/-:-4
S36 | STL | GP:50 | G:10 | A:10 | P:20 | PIMs:5 | HIT:97 | Shots:88 | +/-:-1
S37 | STL | GP:50 | G:13 | A:27 | P:40 | PIMs:56 | HIT:120| Shots:146 | +/-:+10
S38 | EDM | GP:50 | G:6 | A:7 | P:13 | PIMs:62 | HIT:114 | Shots:83 | +/-:-18
S39 | EDM | GP:50 | G:7 | A:15 | P:22 | PIMs:36 | HIT:161 | Shots:78 | +/-:-10
S40 | EDM | GP:50 | G:13 | A:29 | P:42 | PIMs:46 | HIT:197 | Shots:109 | +/-:+7
S41 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:17 | P:34 | PIMs:49 | HIT:143 | Shots:121 | +/-:-4
S42 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:24 | P:41 | PIMs:52 | HIT:135 | Shots:132 | +/-:+9
S43 | EDM | GP:50 | G:14 | A:23 | P:37 | PIMs:24 | HIT:121 | Shots:121 | +/-:-2
S44 | EDM | GP:50 | G:21 | A:32 | P:53 | PIMs:28 | HIT:131 | Shots:214 | +/-:+19
S45 | EDM | GP:50 | G:13 | A:24 | P:37 | PIMs:51 | HIT:170 | Shots:185 | +/-:+9
S46 | EDM | GP:50 | G:29 | A:31 | P:60 | PIMs:53 | HIT:152 | Shots:195 | +/-:+9
S47 | EDM | GP:50 | G:17 | A:33 | P:50 | PIMs:46 | HIT:182 | Shots:199 | +/-:+8
S48 | EDM | GP:50 | G:22 | A:23 | P:45 | PIMs:26 | HIT:182 | Shots:210 | +/-:+7
S49 | EDM | GP:50 | G:20 | A:25 | P:45 | PIMs:36 | HIT:149 | Shots:208 | +/-:+1
--------------------------------------------------------------
Post Season Stats :
S35 | STL | GP:7 | G:0 | A:0 | P:0 | PIMs:0 | HIT:2 | Shots:4 | +/-:+1
S36 | STL | GP:6 | G:1 | A:1 | P:2 | PIMs:7 | HIT:14 | Shots:12 | +/-:+3
S37 | STL | GP:13 | G:4 | A:5 | P:9 | PIMs:26 | HIT:26 | Shots:30 | +/-:+7
S38 | EDM | Did not qualify
S39 | EDM | GP:7 | G:3 | A:3 | P:6 | PIMs:4 | HIT:18 | Shots:10 | +/-:+1
S40 | EDM | GP:7 | G:1 | A:6 | P:7 | PIMs:4 | HIT:33 | Shots:15 | +/-:+2
S41 | EDM | GP:7 | G:2 | A:3 | P:5 | PIMs:12 | HIT:15 | Shots:15 | +/-:+1
S42 | EDM | GP:11 | G:5 | A:8 | P:13 | PIMs:10 | HIT:25 | Shots:38 | +/-:+1
S43 | EDM | Did not Qualify
S44 | EDM | GP:11 | G:4 | A:7 | P:11 | PIMs:12 | HIT:31 | Shots:42 | +/-:+3
S45 | EDM | GP:18 | G:7 | A:11 | P:18 | PIMs:24 | HIT:56 | Shots:68 | +/-:+8
S46 | EDM | GP:4 | G:0 | A:0 | P:0 | PIMs:2 | HIT:9 | Shots:11 | +/-:-5
S47 | EDM | GP:6 | G:3 | A:2 | P:5 | PIMs:6 | HIT:24 | Shots:25 | +/-:+2
S48 | EDM | GP:5 | G:2 | A:2 | P:4 | PIMs:0 | HIT:11 | Shots:19 | +/-:0
S49 | EDM | GP:23 | G:7 | A:17 | P:24 | PIMs:18 | HIT:76 | Shots:89 | +/-:-2
--------------------------------------------------------------
Awards and Achievements:
S37 | STL Kanye Summers Award for Regular Season Team MVP
S37 | STL Bradley Wingels Award for Best Forward
S40 | Gold Medal Winner
S40 | Aidan Richan Trophy Winner
S44 | Became 4th player in Edmonton Blizzard History to reach 1000 Hits
S45 | Challenge Cup Champion
S45 | Anton Razov Trophy for Playoff MVP
S45 | Silver Medal Winner
S46 | 1st Team All Star
S46 | Sarmad Kahn Nominee
S46 | Jef Darr Nominee
S47 | Jef Darr Nominee
S49 | Challenge Cup Champion
S49 | Anton Razov Nominee
--------------------------------------------------------------
Draft/Signing/Trade History:
S35 | Signed to STL
S36 | Drafted to Calgary 26th overall
S36 | Traded to Edmonton


Ambacas “Femboy Hooters” Cuddles | D | Tampa Bay Barracuda

Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM

Eero Makela is a “professional” hockey player, currently playing on the embarrassingly bad Nevada Battleborn. He’s kind of a waste of space for the franchise and has a lowly 1 assist in 9 games. Of course, the rest of the team is dogshit awful as well, scoring only 9 goals in those games. Makela can’t skate, can’t hit, can’t shoot, and trips over the blue line as if it were made of barbed wire. I’ve never been as disgusted as I am as when I watch Makela and the Battleborn play; if Two Girls, One Cup were a hockey team, they would be more fun to watch than this disgrace, headed up by the boneheaded Makela and his merry band of misfits. Maybe someday he stops being a pile of flaming hippopotamus diarrhea, but I doubt it; it’s hard to outgrow being a horrible hockey player. There’s only so far that effort will take a player if their starting point is Grand Central Station public toilet jizz stain.

GoB's Writing Thread

Arturs Tumovs
Arturs Tumovs is only one, who would call him a profesional athlet. Kinda interesting fellow, you would say, but, believe me, he is not. After first season in juniors, gets drafted by Chicago Syndicate as late 47th pick, because team kinda didn't want him and didn't need him. He was so proud about his lamborgini and spent most time in it. Some random people (couldn't been fans, because he had zero of them) even saw him sleeping in that car. If he wasn't sleeping in car, he was sleeping with some random women. There was rumours at one point that he had more STD then twenty dollar hooker. After having nice (if you call 22 points nice) stats in regular season as a sent-down, Syndicate pulled up that trade card, but shitty defender like him couldn't deliver, so nobody actually wanted him. Before his third season he got random contract with New England Wolfpack by sucking up team's management. In the end of his forth season got hit so hard that his right leg got knee injury (thanks to god) and he finally was removed from ice and never returned again. Big loser went down like he should. Worst defender ever playing in this league.

(213 words)

Not gonna thank anyone

Kaspars Claude is a fictitious hockey player currently playing in the Simulation Hockey League for the Calgary Dragons. He is best known for his great career in the Juniors because he was not good enough to be effective in the pros once he made the jump to the big leagues. Kaspars Claude has been given the nickname "Snake" or "Kevin Durant" because of what he did when he entered the Pros. Once a 1st overall pick of the Tampa Bay Barracuda in an entry draft, Claude never actually played a game for the Tampa Bay Barracuda and decided to leave in free agency to join the New Orleans Specters where he would go on to win a Challenge Cup. Kevin Durant is currently on his way down in his career, getting old and fighting off regression and still trying to be a relevant name in the SHL whereas there are other youngsters coming in and stealing the spotlight. A lost household name, he will be best known for winning 3 Four Cup Championships in the juniors with 3 different teams, another snake move made by a snake individual who can not be loyal to his organization.

Thanks to @enigmatic , @Ragnar and @sulovilen for the sexy Signature

PBE Affiliation

Ethan Bouchard | Defense | Tampa Bay Barracuda | 1,425 TPE
Height: 5'11"  
Weight: 194 lbs  
Number: 75
Birthplace: Skellefteå, Sweden  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season Statistics
S58|Scarecrows|GP: 66|G: 05|A: 07|PTS: 12|PIM: 59|HITS: 57|SB: 24|TKA: 18|+/-: -33
S59|Scarecrows|GP: 66|G: 06|A: 12|PTS: 18|PIM: 16|HITS: 80|SB: 70|TKA: 36|+/-: -09
S60|Scarecrows|GP: 66|G: 14|A: 20|PTS: 34|PIM: 43|HITS: 69|SB: 50|TKA: 28|+/-: +16
S61|Scarecrows|GP: 66|G: 11|A: 22|PTS: 33|PIM: 04|HITS: 71|SB: 39|TKA: 38|+/-: -11
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Regular Season Statistics
S62|Barracuda|GP: 66|G: 02|A: 19|PTS: 21|PIM: 26|HITS: 24|SB: 81|TKA: 16|+/-: +13
S63|Barracuda|GP: 66|G: 03|A: 17|PTS: 20|PIM: 08|HITS: 13|SB: 72|TKA: 19|+/-: +18
S64|Barracuda|GP: 66|G: 10|A: 26|PTS: 36|PIM: 33|HITS: 40|SB: 96|TKA: 19|+/-: +14
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoff Statistics
S58|Scarecrows|GP: 06|G: 0|A: 3|PTS: 03|PIM: 00|HITS: 04|SB: 05|TKA: 03|+/-: -1
S59|Scarecrows|GP: 07|G: 0|A: 0|PTS: 00|PIM: 04|HITS: 12|SB: 11|TKA: 00|+/-: -2
S60|Scarecrows|GP: 11|G: 1|A: 7|PTS: 08|PIM: 00|HITS: 06|SB: 02|TKA: 06|+/-: +4
S61|Scarecrows|GP: 07|G: 1|A: 2|PTS: 03|PIM: 00|HITS: 09|SB: 01|TKA: 01|+/-: -1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoff Statistics
S62|Barracuda|GP: 12|G: 3|A: 5|PTS: 8|PIM: 0|HITS: 5|SB: 22|TKA: 6|+/-: -1
S63|Barracuda|GP: 13|G: 1|A: 1|PTS: 2|PIM: 0|HITS: 3|SB: 20|TKA: 3|+/-: -9
S62|Barracuda|GP: 02|G: 0|A: 0|PTS: 0|PIM: 0|HITS: 0|SB: 02|TKA: 0|+/-: -5
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions:
S58: Drafted 6th Overall by the St. Louis Scarecrows in the S58 SMJHL Entry Draft
S59: Drafted 13th Overall by the Tampa Bay Barracuda in the S59 SHL Entry Draft
S59: Signed a 3 year/$7.5M contract with the Tampa Bay Barracuda
S62: Signed a 3 year/$9M extension with the Tampa Bay Barracuda
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awards & Achievements:
S60: WJC Silver Medalist
S61: WJC Silver Medalist
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PREVIOUS PLAYER STATISTICS

Esa Parmborg is a larger than life figure playing in the Simulation hockey league. I say larger than life because he is a fat ass and weighs 350 pounds, even with being 7ft tall he's still a real tub. I'm surprised he can skate to be honest. Parmborg was somehow taken 1st overall in the SMJHL by Halifax, one can only assume Halifax's GM was drunk when selecting him. He played 4 seasons in juniors because he was not good enough to make the pros. Eventually he had to come up to the SHL and play for the Dragons but it was mainly out of pity. He has played in the SHL for a while now and has scored some points but mostly because everyone does the work and he just stands near the net and the puck bounces off his fat ass and goes in. I think he's totally overrated and probably should quit hockey and open a deli or something.

---> ParmBorg Highlights <---



Esa Parmborg || Center || Calgary Dragons || S47 || TPE: 2000+
Name: Esa Parmborg
Age: 18
Height: 7'0"
Weight: 350 lbs
Number: 77
Born: Hella, Iceland
-----------------------
Transactions:
Drafted #1 Overall - Halifax Raiders - S46 SMJHL
Auto Drafted GM - Calgary Dragons - S47 SHL
-----------------------
Awards & Achievements:
S50 Challenge Cup Champion - Calgary Dragons
-----------------------
SHL Statistics:
S50: GP:50 | G:9 | A:8 | P:17 | -3 | PIM:13 | H:34 | PP:0 | SOG:70
-----------------------
SMJHL Statistics:
S46: GP:50 | G:6 | A:9 | P:15 | -8 | PIM:20 | H:44 | PP:0 | SOG:76
S47: GP:50 | G:12 | A:19 | P:31 | 0 | PIM:10 | H:71 | PP:6 | SOG:111
S48: GP:50 | G:21 | A:27 | P:48 | +10 | PIM:20 | H:19 | PP:13 | SOG:147
S49: GP:50 | G:19 | A:29 | P:48 | +18 | PIM:26 | H:48 | PP:13 | SOG:116
TOT: GP:200 | G:58 | A:84 | P:142 | +20 | PIM:86 | H:182 | PP:32 | SOG:450



[pbl]Esa Anrikkanen || C / LW || Calgary Dragons || S18 || 2008TPE
Esa Anrikkanen || C / LW || Calgary Dragons || S18 || 2008TPE
Age: 40
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 255 lbs
Number: 10
Born: Helsinki, Finland
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Career Statistics:
S46: GP:50 | G:14 | A:10 | P:24 | -14 | PIM:21 | H:23 | PP:5 | SOG:126
S45: GP:50 | G:11 | A:13 | P:24 | -10 | PIM:10 | H:28 | PP:7 | SOG:162
S44: GP:50 | G:11 | A:10 | P:21 | -1 | PIM:10 | H:22 | PP:7 | SOG:115
S43: GP:50 | G:15 | A:17 | P:32 | -7 | PIM:2 | H:9 | PP:11 | SOG:137
S42: GP:50 | G:10 | A:20 | P:30 | 0 | PIM:0 | H:4 | PP:7 | SOG:128
S41: GP:50 | G:22 | A:16 | P:38 | +28 | PIM:7 | H:2 | PP:4 | SOG:123
S40: GP:50 | G:16 | A:12 | P:28 | -6 | PIM:18 | H:45 | PP:8 | SOG:118
S39: GP:50 | G:18 | A:14 | P:32 | +12 | PIM:0 | H:4 | PP:7 | SOG:187
S38: GP:50 | G:16 | A:11 | P:27 | -2 | PIM:4 | H:7 | PP:8 | SOG:143
S37: GP:50 | G:19 | A:22 | P:41 | +6 | PIM:4 | H:7 | PP:12 | SOG:224
S36: GP:50 | G:22 | A:21 | P:43 | +15 | PIM:4 | H:18 | PP:8 | SOG:201
S35: GP:50 | G:28 | A:26 | P:54 | +25 | PIM:0 | H:13 | PP:14 | SOG:205
S34: GP:50 | G:24 | A:22 | P:46 | +6 | PIM:52 | H:128 | PP:13 | SOG:208
S33: GP:50 | G:21 | A:16 | P:37 | -2 | PIM:28 | H:78 | PP:13 | SOG:207
S32: GP:50 | G:18 | A:16 | P:34 | -10 | PIM:27 | H:15 | PP:9 | SOG:164
S31: GP:50 | G:20 | A:25 | P:45 | +11 | PIM:48 | H:92 | PP:9 | SOG:198
S30: GP:50 | G:22 | A:33 | P:55 | +17 | PIM:64 | H:134 | PP:18 | SOG:232
S29: GP:50 | G:21 | A:32 | P:53 | +14 | PIM:75 | H:212 | PP:15 | SOG:239
S28: GP:50 | G:23 | A:25 | P:48 | +25 | PIM:60 | H:179 | PP:7 | SOG:205
S27: GP:50 | G:19 | A:18 | P:37 | +1 | PIM:68 | H:94 | PP:8 | SOG:135
S26: GP:50 | G:21 | A:21 | P:42 | +9 | PIM:54 | H:82 | PP:15 | SOG:200
S25: GP:50 | G:18 | A:27 | P:45 | +27 | PIM:42 | H:139 | PP:6 | SOG:154
S24: GP:52 | G:16 | A:18 | P:34 | -13 | PIM:48 | H:156 | PP:16 | SOG:153
S23: GP:52 | G:19 | A:30 | P:49 | +19 | PIM:104 | H:193 | PP:6 | SOG:162
S22: GP:52 | G:17 | A:25 | P:42 | -9 | PIM:26 | H:116 | PP:18 | SOG:156
S21: GP:52 | G:19 | A:22 | P:41 | +5| PIM:14 | H:51 | PP:12 | SOG:168
S20: GP:50 | G:17 | A:16 | P:33 | +10 | PIM:30 | H:71 | PP:8 | SOG:155
S19: GP:50 | G:10 | A:3 | P:13 | +10 | PIM:18 | H:88 | PP:1 | SOG:68
S18: GP:50 | G:7 | A:8 | P:15 | +20 | PIM:24 | H:44 | PP:4 | SOG:73
------------------------------------------------
Totals: GP:1358 | G:514 | A:549 | P:1063 | +186| PIM:868 | H:2054 | PP:277| SOG:4750
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoff Statistics:
------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions:
------------------------------------------------------------
Awards & Accomplishments:
------------------------------------------------------------
Lost my sig, Work in progress.....

#1 All-Time SHL Goal & Point Scorer 
- First 2,000 TPE Player in SHL History - 
- First 400 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- Only 500 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- First GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups -
Esa Anrikkanen Award - SMJHL ROY - Est. S34
Vidrik Onoprienko Award Winner - S45



Esa Anrikkanen || HOF GM || Calgary Dragons || S24 || Cups: 6
----------------------------------------
Seasons: 27
Playoffs: 25
Challenge Cup Championships: 5 (S27, S29, S32, S40, S42, S50)
Cole Reinhart Trophy: 8 (S27, S29, S32, S33, S38, S40, S42, S47, S50)
President's Trophy: 3 (S30, S35, S36, S49)
Division Titles: 6 (S30, S31, S33, S35, S36, S39, S49)
Lance Uppercut Award: S36
Joe McKeil Award: S26
Joe McKeil Award: S30
Joe McKeil Award: S33
Joe McKeil Award: S39
1st GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups!
----------------------------------------
Reg.Season Record: 774 - 448 - 113 (+543)
S50: 27 W - 20 L - 3 OTL  (+7)
S49: 34 W - 13 L - 3 OTL  (+31)
S48: 24 W - 19 L - 7 OTL (+0)
S47: 28 W - 16 L - 6 OTL (+12)
S46: 24 W - 22 L - 5 OTL (-14)
S45: 22 W - 26 L - 2 OTL (-13)
S44: 28 W - 18 L - 4 OTL (+23)
S43: 27 W - 21 L - 2 OTL (+17)
S42: 29 W - 15 L - 6 OTL (+24)
S41: 29 W - 19 L - 2 OTL (+24)
S40: 31 W - 13 L - 6 OTL (+29)
S39: 33 W - 14 L - 3 OTL (+30)
S38: 25 W - 21 L - 4 OTL (+9)
S37: 25 W - 19 L - 6 OTL (+18)
S36: 31 W - 15 L - 4 OTL (+43)
S35: 36 W - 12 L - 2 OTL (+47)
S34: 26 W - 19 L - 5 OTL (+14)
S33: 30 W - 14 L - 6 OTL (+34)
S32: 27 W - 18 L - 5 OTL (+4)
S31: 32 W - 16 L - 2 OTL (+30)
S30: 35 W - 13 L - 2 OTL  (+55)
S29: 29 W - 15 L - 6 OTL  (+44)
S28: 29 W - 15 L - 6 OTL  (+28)
S27: 27 W - 18 L - 5 OTL (+13)
S26: 31 W - 15 L - 4 OTL  (+16)
S25: 29 W - 19 L - 2 OTL  (+14)
S24: 26 W - 20 L - 6 OTL  (-7)
-----------------SMJHL--------------------
Detroit Falcons GM - S20-S23
Seasons: 4
Four Star Cup Championships: 1 (S23)
President's Trophy: 3 (S21, S22, S23)
Eastern Conference Title: 3 (S21, S22, S23)
Division Title: 3 (S21, S22, S23)
GM of The Year: S23
more to follow.....