I have many teammates whose press conferences I'd like to crash and ask various stupid questions dressed as Michael McMichaels, my undercover media staff persona I crafted learning from the best at undercover personas: Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Jake Peralta. Here are a few of the questions:

To Cassius Darrow, I would like to ask whether he considers himself a big brother, a dad or a granddad to our big and beautiful Seattle Argonauts FAMILY.

To our GMs, I would ask if the reason we haven't won a Cup yet is because they love me too much and know I will leave after we do.

To Vaseline Podcalzone, I would like to ask how does he get the beeg yoshi.

To my brother RART, I would ask how it feels to be the inferior one of the two brothers.

Finally, I'd ask all our prospects if they're ready to step up and fill these shoes after I leave for another cupless team once I've done the deed in Seattle.