The city isn’t even done cleaning up after the championship parade, but the Panthers’ historically dominant playoff squad may have already struck an iceberg.


Despite the team swinging a major trade to patch the hole up front left by the departure of Edzus Ozolins, a gaping hole on the other end of the ice threatens to sink this era of Panthers hockey if not filled by opening night. The team’s starting goalie, Grzegorz Brzeczyszczykiewicz, better known to fans as “Gibberish”, “Polie the Goalie”, or “Greg”, still has not signed an extension. The ChiliPepper has unearthed the bizarre reality behind this development, and for some reason an elephant is involved.


Panthers general manager Fitzgerald “Fuzz” Essechel had the following comment: “Exotic pets are illegal in the state of California. I have no personal issue with Grzegorz buying an elephant in some other state or country, but for him to insist on this as a contract condition is the most, uh, unique challenge I’ve faced thus far as a general manager.”


You read that correctly. The reason Brzeczyszczykiewicz is not under contract with the Panthers right now is that he wants to keep a pet elephant in downtown Los Angeles.


“For the first time in my career, I have to admit I empathize with the team here.” Brzeczyszczykiewicz’s agent Sashenko Vyrvykhvist volunteered without being contacted for comment upon hearing we were working on this article. “Grzegorz seems to think the Panthers have a lot more legal muscle in Sacramento than they actually do. He’s not completely insane, the mayor of Chrząszczyżewoszyce would absolutely pull some strings if a sports star made a request like this, but California just does not work that way. Eventually it will sink in that bribing local officials only works for billionaires here, not millionaires, but whether his stubbornness or the Panthers’ patience gives out first remains to be seen.”


A little corruption goes a long way, I guess.


“Yes, I will name him Myszko.” Grzegorz offered no comment beyond this, nor did he answer how he planned to feed the pachyderm in question.


The question seems to boil down to whether Brzeczyszczykiewicz will see sanity before the deadline, and indeed whether Essechel and the Panthers want to continue dealing with such a basket case in their crease. Do his on-ice talents justify such insane behavior? As a fan, I hope “Fuzz” makes the right call.

• Bark Badden, writing red hot with the ChiliPepper 
  

Of course.

Thank you to @Revontulete for the sig!