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tredpalo · 03-27-2024, 08:07 PM

Dear readers, I have a confession to make. I am NOT, in fact, a professional hockey scout. I am, however, a certified expert in a time-tested evaluation method known as “the vibe check”. The vibe check is a sacred art of evaluating the spirit of others around you, identifying just who’s the coolest of the cool, and also who….isn’t. With that said, I am proud to provide the SMJHL with the first ever Vibe Check Draft Rankings! My methodology for ranking the players in this list is pretty simple: I just like their vibes. Is it their player name? Their username on the SHL website? Do I know them from other leagues and just wanna give a shout out to my friends? Yes! I don’t claim to be unbiased, so if you’re looking for professionalism in this list, you’re going to be very disappointed. Don’t worry, though, I WILL be unbiased enough to leave myself off of this list.

Disclaimer: Don’t take this seriously. Just don’t.

Without further ado, let’s begin!!!

1. Chairy Styles, Right Wing

Ok, ok, so hear me out here. My sense of humor is BEYOND horrible, so when I see a silly little pun like this, it makes me giggle. What DOES Chairy Styles look like, exactly? I imagine him as a talking chair from a children’s show, complete with a British accent and an amazing singing voice. Is he the kind of chair to serenade me with love songs? Probably not, because he doesn’t really know me, and that’d be pretty weird.

2. Raw Cheese McPickle, Right Wing

What even IS this name? There is no joke here, this is an honest to God question. What compels a person to come up with this monstrosity of a name? Just the thought of it makes my stomach hurt, so it’s a good thing that Belmont is a very good friend of mine from a few other leagues. Belmont, I know you, you’re BETTER than this, so do better! Hopefully you’re better at scoring goals than you are at naming your players.

3. McLovin, Right Defense

Ok, now this one is a personal favorite for two reasons. The first reason is simple at face value: SUPERBAD REFERENCE!!! It’s one of my favorite comedy films, I highly recommend it to anyone who’s never seen it. Michael Cera and Jonah Hill, you can’t possibly go wrong. Secondly, you need to take a deeper look into McLovin, specifically into their username. Soviet Sexpot is a great username. Set aside the Soviet part for now, what even IS a sexpot? Whatever it is, it’s provocative and gets the people going, so throw in the Soviet Union and you got an A+ username. Amazing job, comrade, you’re pretty great in my book.

4. Rock Solid, Center

Oh hey, it’s Matt! He’s another friend of mine from a few other sim leagues. He’s a bit of a dork and a HUGE weeb, but he’s a great guy so he passes the vibe check. His name is decent too, I guess, hopefully his play is as rock solid as his name is.

5. Crazy Tomato II, Right Defense

Ok, let’s break this name down. First of all, he’s (I assume he? My apologies if not.) a tomato. A true man of mystery, neither fruit nor vegetable (Yeah, I consider tomatoes their own thing. Sue me.). Second of all, they’re a CRAZY tomato. What drives a tomato to the point of insanity, exactly? This feels like a psychiatrist’s fantasy. Lastly, THEY’RE THE SECOND CRAZY TOMATO. There’s multiple of them! They pass the vibe check based off of that alone,

6, Skylar Stevens, Right Wing

I’m only putting Skylar here because they’ll be very mad at me if I don’t. They’re very scary when they’re mad too, I’m doing this for my own safety. As far as vibes go, however, they’re pretty fun. Shame they’re a Maple Leafs fan, though, which is why I can’t put them in my top 5.

7. Smirnov Light III, Center

Let me level with you. I’m not really much of a vodka guy, I’m more of a tequila guy myself. However, as a connoisseur of alcoholic drinks, I acknowledge that vodka is an essential to some of the best cocktails, and clearly Smirnov is the kind of man who wishes to pay homage to such alcoholic excellence. Or he just chose it because it sounds Russian. Either way, it passes my vibe check, good job.

8. Evil Kyle Murray, Goalie

Kyler Murray, such an evil man. I’ve drafted you SO many times in my fantasy leagues, and each time you either get injured or end up forcing me to bench you. Why are you such a vengeful soul, Kyler, what did I ever do to you? Wait, hold on, I’m getting word that this isn’t Kyler Murray, it’s KYLE Murray. Huh, that raises a whole bunch of questions for me, in that case. What did Kyle do that’s so evil? Does he bully kids and steal their lunch money? Does he eat his coworker’s food from the fridge at work? Does he spoil TV shows for other people on Twitter? He’s a man of mystery, and for that reason he passes my vibe check. I want more Kyle lore, I want to know why he is the way he is.

9. Jamario Moon, Left Wing

I may not be a professional hockey expert, but I AM a professional basketball fan. More specifically, I’m a Miami Heat fan, so the name Jamario Moon brings up some memories. For those of you who aren’t NBA fans, Jamario Moon was a journeyman role player. He wasn’t particularly good, but he was a VERY fun dunker to watch, so Moon gets moved into my top 10 for the sole reason that it reminds me of good times.

10. Simon Science, Right Wing

With this particular individual, we have a hockey player named…Science? That’s a bit weird, isn’t it? You’d think with a name like that, he’d be off working in a laboratory, not skating his way to what I presume will be a 1st round selection. You know what, I’m putting him here solely on the basis that he’s subverting expectations by ignoring a scientific field of work. I’m proud of you, Simon, you’re doing what YOU want to do instead of what your mom and dad predestined you to do, and that warrants respect. You, sir, pass the vibe check.

And with that, my top 10 list has concluded. Do you feel that you got snubbed, and that you should be on this list? Feel free to let me know, all it takes is a single good conversation to move you up my list. Best of luck to all draftees in this upcoming draft, I look forward to playing with some of you in the future!

(1528 words, not using first media bonus.)

*kahri* · 03-27-2024, 08:09 PM

confused on where you are on this list smh or is it because you are the GOAT!?!!

#imtrevorsbiggestfan

tredpalo · 03-27-2024, 08:11 PM

03-27-2024, 08:09 PMkahri Wrote: confused on where you are on this list smh or is it because you are the GOAT!?!!

#imtrevorsbiggestfan

As a fair and impartial writer, I couldn't POSSIBLY put myself on the list, but let's be real. We all know I'm #1.

tredpalo · 03-27-2024, 08:15 PM

Also apologies for the formatting. I tried, I really did. This site just does not want to work with me.

***HabsFanFromOntario*** · 03-28-2024, 08:14 AM

Wow Trevor, I thought we vibed smh.

Primeapple · 03-28-2024, 11:46 AM

I'm honored to be the 1OA in vibe checks Cool

Definitely not inflating my ego

tredpalo · 03-28-2024, 03:25 PM

03-28-2024, 08:14 AMHabsFanFromOntario Wrote: Wow Trevor, I thought we vibed smh.

I can vibe with more than 10 people!

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