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Whikadoodle · 08-22-2024, 08:56 AM

Johnny FourStar has shown flashes of brilliance on the ice lately. But a Channel 5 special report reveals that not everything is hunky dory for the Winnipeg forward.

Special investigative reporter Dick Shivers has the story.

"I'm here just mere blocks away from where the Winnipeg Aurora play their home games. Under the shadow of a simulation hockey powerhouse, one man seeks to hide himself away from the world.

Johnny FourStar. The Aurora veteran spends his nights dazzling fans on the ice with his two way play. An anchor for the team, Johnny has given fans something to cheer for between loaded superstar teams.

But where does he go when the lights turn off and the arena is emptied? Right here, in a dark and dirty alley."

"I'M LIVIN ON THE STREET!" shouts FourStar.

"Johnny appears to have taken residence in a dumpster off Hargrave. A hockey stick is leaned up against the brick wall. He can be seen walking around with only one ice skate on. But how did Johnny find himself in this situation?"

"I GOT NO MONEY! IM SO BROKE!" Johnny screams to no one in particular.

"Channel 5 has obtained financial records for Johnny FourStar, Who appears to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Was it lavish parties? A gambling problem? How did Johnny lose all his money?

Enter Sticks McHenry, Johnny FourStars personal coach. With a mullet and thick mustache, Sticks looks like a cartoon character. But his prices are no joke. Johnny reportedly trained with Sticks McHenry during the offseason, paying him $28 million per year every year since he's been in the SHL.

I caught up with Sticks McHenry in a dive bar in Regina posing as a prospective player for the Old Man Hockey League."

"Trust me bro, I can make you into a star." Sticks told me. "Just a measly $28 million per offseason and we will get you ready for the league."

After getting him on tape I revealed myself to be legendary reporter Dick Shivers. He was aghast.

"Oh no it's Dick Shivers! My prices are legitimate you jabroni! I earn that money you jabroni!"

"But how can a simple coach earn more than 5x what his player makes in an entire SHL season? Coaches like Sticks McHenry make lofty promises, and struggling players may turn to these grifters in hopes of preparing their bodies and minds for the next season. But at what cost?

When I told Sticks that Johnny was living on the street, he walked out of the interview."

"That jabroni is not my fault, he is terrible with money! Don't blame me for that jabroni."

"It is unclear what happens to Johnny FourStar now. Word has it that he cannot afford the basic nutrition necessary to fuel his body. Winnipeg's coaches reportedly say he walks in with dull Skates and broken sticks. When I asked why Winnipeg can't pay for Johnny to train, a janitor for the team gave me the lowdown."

"Winnipeg forces their players to pay for their own training per SHL bylaws." said a janitor in a track suit that said "Coach" on the front. "We all feel for Johnny but simply put this is not a poor man's league. Without significant reserves of cash money, he is going to fall behind."

"We dont know what will happen for Johnny FourStar. Is this the end of the road? Is this debt a hole that he simply cannot pull himself out of? Is he a bust that was never deserving of the SHL in the first place? This investigative reporter is out of answers. Well have to see if he can dig himself out of this deep deep hole."

(618 words)

By-Tor · 08-22-2024, 01:56 PM

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