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JHS · 11-29-2014, 10:11 PM

SHL Stars: Where Are They Now Episode 1 Joey Langdon
*set 1 season in the future

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ONTARIO, Canada- Transitioning to a life off the ice can be a fun and relaxing experience for a successful ex-SHL player, coasting off both personal achievements and cup rings while living a lavish lifestyle funded by public appearances and commercial spots. Joey Langdon, however, was not a successful player. In fact, Langdon managed to win but 1 playoff series in his long, drawn out career. He was considred to be somewhat of a goon his entire career, his only notable skill being fighting, and even then he wasn't too good at it, shown by the amount of surgeries and brain problems he's had throughout and after his playing days. He's finally thrown in the towel, and with a new SHL season about to start, we decided to catch up with Joey and see what he's up to now.

Our searches for Joey brought us to the tiny, insignificant hamlet of Woodstock, Ontario. No, not the good Woodstock. We eventually went to Joey's childhood home, and talked to his parents. His parents, who haven't seen him since he accidentally crashed his car into their garage after his 5th hockey related concussion, said they had no idea where he had gone. However, his little sister later pulled us aside and said Joey had called her just a week ago from Manitoba, where fellow Platoon GM Julien Marshall resided. We thanked the Langdon family, and went on our way.

On our way to Manitoba, we decided to stop in on the practice of the Toronto North Stars, another team in the East Division that the Platoon plays for. We got to spend the entire day in the Toronto North Star Locker room, and got a behind the scenes look at their day to day lives. The personalities of the North Stars were all a little.... strange, and we could see why they were said to have such great chemistry. They were annoying as fuck. Upon stepping into the Locker Room, we were treated to Finnish Death Metal blasting on full volume, local metalhead Toki Wartooth headbanging his long, flowing locks while preparing for practice. The Scherbluk brothers, Darian and Yousuf, were fighting over a pair of skates their mom had sent. Dave Smith was drinking milk from a saucer and making what sounded like cat sounds, and Barney Stinson and Jamie Hawkins were recording a podcast where they complained about every single thing that had been happening in the SHL that week. Horrified about we had discovered, we decided to skip the meet and greet and sit in the stands to wait for the practice. Maybe that would be normal enough.

When the team finally skated out onto the ice, we had a cute suprise waiting for us. The North Stars management had bussed in a local midget team from the area, and arranged a little scrimmage for them. We expected that a day of heartwarming fun was coming our way.
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The game started off nicely, Yousuf Scherbluk even let the kid win the faceoff. He made a slighly angry face, but that was just for show for the kids right? Anyway, they were skating and.... what the fuck? Yousuf Scherbluk had totally tripped the kid who won the faceoff and gave him an elbow on the way down. The other North Stars players started pushing the little kids around, and suddenly we realized something. This wasn't a charitable fun little commercial thing, it was a serious full contact game! We were horrified, but much like the Roman Coliseum of old, we couldn't pry our eyes away from the sport. It was like feeding the Christians to the lions out there, the pee wees absolutely massacring the North Stars. Mike Schmidt, the Whalers star, couldn't stop a shot to save his life, and the period ended 9-0. There was a line brawl to end it, as there had been tempers flaring all game. Riley Forsberg dropped the glove with the midget enforcer, but after sizing up his opponet, made the smart decision to turtle. We weren't sure what kind of freak show we had seen, but we slipped out the back door and shipped out in the van toward Manitoba.
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Forsberg stopped in his tracks by the midget defense

Finally, we got to Manitoba, and after arriving at Marshall's house, we were pointed to a weathered, diapilated shack in the southwest corner of the property. Inside, we finally had the chance to interview Langdon, and it's worth mentioning that the man was blitzed out of his mind, bottles of Jack laying around everywhere, and the shack smelling distinctly of piss. We asked him, now that 6 months had passed, if he missed hockey at all, and he said "nah. I was shit". Then we asked him if he would do it again if he had the choice, and he responded with "I bet the canadian govenment would hope I wouldnt. I've had so many surgeries and scans and the like that I've pretty much sucked the national healthcare system dry." The rest of the interview pretty much went the same way, we chatted about his favorite hobbies (snapping the necks of the local pidgions and eating them to avoid starvation) and his favorite time of year (Spring, because he doesn't have heat, air conditioning, electricity, or plumbing) and other mundane questions. At the end of the interview, we shook his hand, and asked him for one last favor. To take a picture of him. He obliged.

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So there you have it folks. That's where Joey Langdon is now. Join us next time for another exciting episode of "SHL stars: Where Are They Now?"

947 words, 3 images

BasedMinkus · 11-29-2014, 10:22 PM

Joey Langdon and star? Nope doesn't make sense.

Good article though.

CM Syckez · 11-29-2014, 10:27 PM

Smh @ thinking I'd let Joey live on my property

***Hallsy*** · 11-29-2014, 10:33 PM

Joey Langdon would be a star on a team like the Edmonton Oilers tbh.

Wasty · 11-29-2014, 10:53 PM

Playing loose with the term "star" here.

#40 Niclas Wastlund - W - VANCOUVER WHALERS Whalers

/ MINNESOTA MONARCHS

JHS · 11-29-2014, 11:04 PM

Would any of you happen to know any stars interested in being on the next episode?

Yousuf · 11-29-2014, 11:11 PM

:lol: this made my evening, love the North Stars visit

Yousuf · 11-29-2014, 11:11 PM

Quote:Originally posted by AP@Nov 29 2014, 10:04 PM
Would any of you happen to know any stars interested in being on the next episode?

Me

Merica · 11-29-2014, 11:21 PM

Lol you lost me at Joey Langdon. I guess Marshall Macpherson is next.

ORIGINSZ · 11-29-2014, 11:30 PM

Lol i love this personally i think its for a good laugh.

Agree with Merica Macpherson next. Then HFFO last 5 recreates. Umm next up let me get back to you haha