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enigmatic · 07-25-2015, 07:06 PM

Since you guys seem to really dig lists, I tried to think of something interesting to talk about. Top performers? Pfff, no. Draft order? Boring. Best passers? Just look up the goddamn stats already. Best cities to welcome a new franchise? Please. Anyway I'm about as slow as Nicki Minaj is talentless so all that stuff was done already.

Instead of having another Jesster vs Wind discussion (no please, Maria, not another one of those! Have mercy!! Wink

, Iâ€™m going to talk about something that I am truly passionate about. Something that reveals more about a man's personality than the words that come out of his mouth.

That subject isâ€¦ Facial hair.

Who the hell bothers looking at the rest of the face when you have something as glorious as a beard looking right back at you? No one, I tell you, no one. Okay, well, I guess it depends on who has the beard... Moving on.

Founding member (also sole member :() of the Beards Enthusiasts of Kelowna Club, I have been analyzing players' beards all season, rating them on some criteria: colour, style, originality... okay I'm kidding. I have done nothing of the sort.

Before I begin, I have to mention how shocked I was to witness the lack of beards around the SHL and its junior counterpart. It saddens my heart to see so few of them decorating your faces. Some people just look bad with one but more diversity would be great.

Anyway...

Sans plus attendre... Here are the top 5 beards in the SHL/SMJHL:

<div align="center">5. Jonathan Lundberg Knights

Jon, you look exactly like my biggest celebrity crush Michael Fassbender. I have no choice but to include you on that list. If I'm being honest, that beard looks pretty terrible and you should just stick to the regular stubble (I would never suggest shaving your face entirely), but your face is just so fabulous that even a beard such as yours canâ€™t possibly ruin it. I mean, it's not even the same colour as your hair and that my friends is one of the main beard ruiners.

Alright never mind he's not on the list. Go shave. We're out of the playoffs anyway.

5. Brian Morley Firebirds

Nothing says "I'm here to play hockey, kick your ass and I don't care what you think about me" more than Brian Morley's beard. It also looks home-made because that thing isn't even cut evenly. I appreciate the unique look though and I think one of the main purposes of the beard is to help oneself express his personality, like other people would use clothes for example. The hairdressers in LA would go hungry if he was their only client because I don't think he shows up there that much :ph34r: . It could always be worst... One thing is for sure, he gave his last shit about his appearance a long time ago. I respect the hell out of that.

4. Adam Abodobe Knights

A perfect continuation of his face, Aboâ€™s beard will have your mom go: â€œWow. This boy looks sooooo clean.â€ Trust me, I speak from experience.
You'd expect nothing less from a man who loves himself so much and spends such a huge amount of time every day looking at his reflection in the mirror. You'd think as alternate captain he'd give amazing speeches between periods but nope. Clipping his beard. You gotta look fabulous when you score them goals.

3. PÃ¥l VikingstÃ¸d Scarecrows

That beard? Totally badass. It's like a freaking rock is attached to his face. I'm pretty sure that he gets half of his penalties from head-butting his enemies with his beard. Paired with the haircut? You live up to your name. Vil is still my #1 viking but he needs a lesson on growing a beard. I'll tell him to give you a call.

2. Bojo Biscuit :impact: Platoon

The only way to adequately rock a â€˜fro is to have a beard to match it. Bojo Biscuit proves this fact with his amazing beard paired with his equally amazing afro. You might be thinking, â€œBut Maria, red hair looks badâ€ AND THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG. No colour is better for the â€˜fro + beard combo than ginger. It looks fierce as fuck. Seriously. And you can see this thing is well taken care of. It's all even and shiny. I applaud you sir. Your very probable Scot ancestors cry tears of joy and sing songs of pride when they see this gorgeous beard.

1. Clive Stonehands Falcons

Just look at this. How can you not pick it as number 1? The different shades of brown, the length and the curliness are all in symbiosis with the hair and the eyebrows. I'm not a stalker or anything but I'd totally pet that. He also has the face to pull it off. Some people *cough*Jonathan*cough* just don't have the facial features for da beard but Clive's face seems designed to have one. I'm not sure what saddens me the most... Clive barely posting or his beard going inactive with him :unsure: .</div>

So here you have it. The most important list you'll ever see on this forum. Congratulations to all of those who made it. It's a milestone in your career. And remember kids...

<object width="460" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_yVPewAybZw"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_yVPewAybZw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="460" height="315"></embed></object>

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself because I can't have one on the outside :((.

ALSO: I made the list based on people's signatures. So if someone has an amazing beard and I didn't see it - I apologize! Do share!

Muerto · 07-25-2015, 07:09 PM

Nice! Too bad I dropped this sig, I woulda made top 5 for sure!

[Image: SHLPIC_zpsb0db91de.jpg]

Eggy216 · 07-25-2015, 07:17 PM

When I saw top five beards, i was so hoping stonehands would be number one.

Hoovuh · 07-25-2015, 07:19 PM

No love for my beard at all? :C

[Image: gally.jpg]

Nereus · 07-25-2015, 07:34 PM

Quote:Originally posted by Hoovuh@Jul 25 2015, 03:19 PM
No love for my beard at all? :C

That's 4 weeks in btw.

Hoovuh · 07-25-2015, 07:36 PM

Quote:Originally posted by Nereus@Jul 26 2015, 04:04 AM

That's 4 weeks in btw.

Thats 4 and a half weeks in sir.

.bojo · 07-25-2015, 07:40 PM

) Bravo!

**Rich** · 07-25-2015, 07:41 PM

I would have Bojo #1. I'm biased though, since Commodore is one of my UND guys.

Ragnar · 07-25-2015, 07:41 PM

Thanks for the shout out sir.

Sigs by Me, Merica, High Stick King, Rum_Ham, Jess, vulfzilla, enigmatic, and Carpy

❤!! RIP to the big homies 701 and Mac !!❤

Alucard · 07-25-2015, 07:46 PM

Should have used my own face for Koroviev. I'd be top 5. I think Stonehands would still win though <_<

I'm also thinking that this should be followed up by top 5 breasts, but even I have 2 objections to that:
1) an odd number of breasts means that something's gone wrong for someone
2) anyone using Kessel as a player avatar is going to win hands-down.

Nereus · 07-25-2015, 07:51 PM

I just now noticed there are six magnificent beards on this list.

Alucard · 07-25-2015, 07:57 PM

Quote:Originally posted by Nereus@Jul 26 2015, 12:51 AM
I just now noticed there are six magnificent beards on this list.

Lunds isn't actually on the list; he's an honourable mention! Although, on the topic of numbers and beards... here are THREE fantastic beards:

[Image: zz%20top%20003.jpg]

enigmatic · 07-25-2015, 09:19 PM

Quote:Originally posted by KezKincaid+Jul 25 2015, 07:09 PM--><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1' id='QUOTE-WRAP'><tr><td>QUOTE (KezKincaid @ Jul 25 2015, 07:09 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>Nice! Too bad I dropped this sig, I woulda made top 5 for sure!

[/b]

Awwww you're adorable :lol: .

Quote:Originally posted by Hoovuh@Jul 25 2015, 07:19 PM<br />No love for my beard at all? :C

Sorry but the creepstache is at like -10 on the scale of facial hair awesomeness.

Quote:Originally posted by Alucard@Jul 25 2015, 07:46 PM<br />Should have used my own face for Koroviev. I'd be top 5. I think Stonehands would still win though <_<

I'm also thinking that this should be followed up by top 5 breasts, but even I have 2 objections to that:
1) an odd number of breasts means that something's gone wrong for someone
2) anyone using Kessel as a player avatar is going to win hands-down.

It's okay you could still compete for second place
[Image: 677989.png]

And I do remember one of the people in our draft class uses Phil Kessel for his avatar but I can't remember who.

<!--QuoteBegin-Alucard@Jul 25 2015, 07:57 PM

Lunds isn't actually on the list; he's an honourable mention! Although, on the topic of numbers and beards... here are THREE fantastic beards:

[Image: zz%20top%20003.jpg]

[/quote]
Ah ZZ-Top. Not a fan of their music but yeah they look pretty cool.

I'm pretty fond of The Project Hate MCMXCIX's guitarist's beard myself.
[Image: 293018_507897489226748_36656920_n.jpg]

[Image: 293018_507897489226748_36656920_n.jpg]

Alucard · 07-25-2015, 09:49 PM

Quote:Originally posted by enigmatic@Jul 26 2015, 02:19 AM
I'm pretty fond of The Project Hate MCMXCIX's guitarist's beard myself.

Meh, mediocre beard. I know I've posted Clutch here a few times, but seriously, the beard on Fallon:
<object width="460" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OtdYQLr9cpE"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OtdYQLr9cpE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="460" height="315"></embed></object>

enigmatic · 07-26-2015, 09:40 AM

Quote:Originally posted by Alucard@Jul 25 2015, 09:49 PM

Meh, mediocre beard. I know I've posted Clutch here a few times, but seriously, the beard on Fallon

What do you mean mediocre :lol: the one you just posted had nothing on it :lol: .

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