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SethTrollins · 08-31-2015, 06:00 AM

Quote:[b]Word Count: 1,424.[/b]

Dave Shifty, owner of Shifty Cars, Vans, Motorbikes, Boats, Trains, Planes, Trucks, Heavy-Duty Equipment, Hoverboats, Unicycles, Wheelbarrows, Heelys, and Donkey-Drawn Carts (and everything in-between, wink wink nudge nudge) held a press conference today following the announcement that his client, Eoin MacGregor, would be an alternate captain of the Prince George Firebirds for the coming season and made the following speech:

‘My client, Eoin MacGregor, is proud and humbled to be an alternate captain for the Prince George Firebirds this season. He’s told me that he considers this to be the second biggest moment of his life, following only his birth and the time he was taught how to count. He’s also instructed me to ask if anybody here is an expert in removing chewing gum from beards and, if so, for them to call him at [REDACTED] to advise him on the best course of action. Once again that number is [REDACTED]. Please help him the very best you can, he’s worried that if he loses his beard he’ll lose the ability to play ice hockey like some sort of Irish Samson. Only, you know, with his beard instead of his hair. Anyway, I’d like now to open the floor to questions and will do my best to answer them on my client’s behalf.’

Is there a distinct correlation between him becoming alternate and his clearly epic beard game?
Yes. You can always trust a man with a beard. Beardless or incomplete facial hair cannot be trusted.

[Image: 1024x1024.0.0.jpg]

See? Beardless men are evil and just plain wrong and even weird. And don’t get me started on Hitler and Chaplain. Terrible facial hair.

Does Eoin get something extra from his gig as Alternate? How many penny sweets will the deal include?
A bonus of a half-pint of Guinness or a bag of sherbet and penny sweets on alternating weeks. It was a tough negotiation but I persevered and delivered Eoin’s demands. Consequently if anyone saw the brand new Bentley parked out front, that’s mine.

How many pucks has Eoin eaten by mistaking them for the aformentioned penny sweets?
At least three every training session or game. He first mistakes them for a giant penny sweet and realises it after the first bite, then tries a second to make sure it wasn’t just a bad penny sweet, and finally he just eats a third after getting the taste for rubber.

Which person, real or otherwise, does Eoin look to emulate in his role as a leader towards the Firebirds... And why is it some freaky combination of Gascoigne, Joey Barton, and Pastor Maldonado?
Eoin really admires the Fat Controller and hopes to create an atmosphere that Sir Topham Hatt himself would be proud of with a number of really useful [s]engines[/i] hockey players. He’s already assigned Luke Fleming to shunting trucks but was shouted at for it. Apparently Fleming thinks he should be pulling coaches. Bit of a prima donna from what I hear.

Any thoughts on the season?
Summer’s been alright, hopefully autumn will be even nicer though. Personally I’m looking forward to winter.

What do you mean hockey season? Fine. It’s going well so far. Firebirds are playing above expectations and hopefully we’ll keep it going. They knew they could make a push for it this year and the challenge is to keep it going now. Eoin is eyeing the top scorer award this year and hopes to beat his personal best scoring record of 0.

How's the Firebirds?
Not really lasting. Apparently birds don’t like to be set on fire. Did anyone else know about this?

Is Jordan Mack sexy?
Anybody living in Montreal can only be described as a baguette. Eoin likes baguettes. So yes.

What does it mean to you to be an alternate captain of your junior team?
It means all of luxuries that Prince George has to offer such as rolling around in the finest muddy puddles, beating up homeless people and stealing their diet Pepsi, and literally rolling into clubs and having nobody say a thing about it. Eoin likes to stitch an A onto every piece of clothing he has now to let everybody know. Sometimes it can be confusing talking to Canadians because he’s never sure if they’re ending a sentence or asking him about the A.

So, yeah, it means everything to Eoin.

Favorite member of the Firebirds so far?
Scott Robertson’s great though Eoin is a little unsure because he refuses to grow facial hair. Luke Fleming’s a good guy that’s always there to help and to tell you to stop eating the pucks. DJ Stanley’s cool too but really needs to learn how to say Eoin’s name. He isn’t sure if Stanley is addressing some bloke called Ian or talking to Eeyore half the time.

Do you see your team making a deep playoff run this year?
Balls deep.

Wait, no, pucks deep. Yeah. Pucks deep.

Any long term SHL goals?
A few, hopefully.

Individual goals don’t really matter to Eoin simply because he isn’t aware of them. He’d much rather win shiny things that he can see and touch, otherwise he won’t know he’s done well. Therefore it’s all about team goals with him.

It's a bit early to ask, but do you have any favorite SHL teams that you might want to play for?
It’s early days yet and Eoin is still getting to grips with the sport so isn’t too sure about teams just yet. When the draft is closer he might get an idea of where he’d like to go but, for now, he’s focused on the Firebirds. And on gaining the superpower to tell the difference between I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and real butter.

Are you afraid of anything, or does your beard negate any fear you might have?
The beard allows Eoin to hug something soft, as opposed to his pet switchblade Switchy, if he gets any night terrors. It keeps him calm when he imagines masked men breaking into his house, entering his bedroom, standing over him while he sleeps, and then cutting off his beard.

Other than that he’s only scared of butterflies. Apparently them flapping their wings can cause a hurricane. Eoin always tries to kill them when he sees them and feels like he’s saved thousands of lives every time he does.

Prior to the draft were there any fellow rookies you wanted to play alongside?
Scott Robertson and Cody Black. They had high aspirations of creating their own team of nothing but defencemen but it fell apart when Cody left in a van of hoovers for Wales.

Any early favorite teams you want to play for? Any teams that have already left a bad taste in your mouth?
Eoin is currently playing on his favourite team so is quite happy. He hasn’t tried eating any teams to find out how they taste but will be sure to give it a try as soon as possible.

What have you learned from the PG vets and alumi
A great deal of things: don’t drive on the left, don’t brush your teeth with a spoon, stop punching officials, when a female fan asks you to sign something don’t just motorboat her tits, stop drinking Irish coffees during games, don’t threaten the fans with grievous bodily harm, and improve your puck handling skills. That just about covers everything.

Are you happy with the minutes you have been receiving so far?
Very. Eoin didn’t expect many but is happy to have 239 of them as of this presser.

Do you think you could climb up to a first line spot in S25?
Not in S25 with the quality ahead of him. There are three great talents in Taylor, Robinson and Veenstra ahead of Eoin yet but he’s confident he can make a serious push for first line next season.

Is it true that a small family of Black-tailed Gnatcatcher's reside in your beard?
This is categorically not true. Since Eoin is Irish, and had never left the island until the Prospect Showcase, he’s unlikely to have a family of birds native to southwestern United States and northern Mexico living in his beard.

He does, however, have a pair of great tits hidden within.

b]Does the man make the beard? Or does the beard make the man?[/b]
Yes and yes. Beards are essential to manliness and manliness is needed for a beard. I mean, just look at this manly man below:

[Image: conchita_wurst_orf_01_orf_by_thomas_ramstorfer.jpg]

[Image: conchita_wurst_orf_01_orf_by_thomas_ramstorfer.jpg]

A fine beard and a real man’s man.

Thank you for your questions, ladies and gentlemen.

deknegt · 08-31-2015, 06:11 AM

- Is there a distinct correlation between him becoming alternate and his clearly epic beard game?

- Does Eoin get something extra from his gig as Alternate? How many penny sweets will the deal include?

- How many pucks has Eoin eaten by mistaking them for the aformentioned penny sweets?

- Which person, real or otherwise, does Eoin look to emulate in his role as a leader towards the Firebirds... And why is it some freaky combination of Gascoigne, Joey Barton, and Pastor Maldonado?

PS: Eoin should start with small caliber bullets to build up a tolerance to them, then slowly move on to bigger calibers.

Hockeypony · 08-31-2015, 10:58 AM

Any thoughts on the season?

How's the Firebirds?

Is Jordan Mack sexy?

Nereus · 08-31-2015, 11:15 AM

What does it mean to you to be an alternate captain of your junior team?

Favorite member of the Firebirds so far?

Do you see your team making a deep playoff run this year?

Any long term SHL goals?

It's a bit early to ask, but do you have any favorite SHL teams that you might want to play for?

Are you afraid of anything, or does your beard negate any fear you might have?

BeanSnoodie · 08-31-2015, 12:30 PM

Prior to the draft were there any fellow rookies you wanted to play alongside?

Any early favorite teams you want to play for? Any teams that have already left a bad taste in your mouth?