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Haters Guide to the Losers who Missed the Playoffs
#1

I know a couple people asked for this, so here we go! Yet again, don’t be too pissed if I slag your team off too much. This is all for fun.

Western Conference

Riot Seattle Riot Riot

OH, LET THE GLORIOUS TANK ROLL INTO THE PACIFIC MIDWEST!!!!!!!!!! Yes, we are seeing the ya know at its finest here, folks. Just take a look at what Seattle is doing. Trade your best player in Samee Iqbal to a contender like Hamilton? Check. Lose promising young star Louie Garrett to Calgary in free agency? CHECK. Finish as the worst team in the league? YOU GET A CHECK! YOU GET A CHECK! EVERYBODY GETS A FUCKING CHECK!!!!! Get your fucking shit together, Seattle. Don’t waste the careers of Alex Zajac and Brett Kennedy. Call up DeMaricus Smith, Blaine McElroy, and Jacob Dorty right fucking now, so you can bring some fresh new blood into the team.


pride San Francisco Pride pride

No, I’m not making any gay jokes, OK? Now, San Francisco. YOU MUST WELCOME OUR OVERLORD, THE TANK!!! It’s fairly obvious that you’re going to enter tank mode, as resembled by the trade deadline, where you traded Jed Lloren, an old but still very good player, and two inactives for a whole bunch of third round picks. That’s some questionable tanking. Y’all gotta step up your game up. What I’d suggest Grapehead do is try to get rid of the Pride’s aging core players for prospects and picks. Players like Geronimo Otto, Jacob Renninger, Isaac Kaiser, and Kelly Rivet are probably worth a lot. And if you wanna look like a total idiot, get rid of promising young guys like Joey Lombardi and Clint Eastwood. That totally won’t make your team a laughingstock!

Panthers Los Angeles Panthers Panthers

Really, LA? You go from west champions to fucking missing out? I’m so disappointed in you lot that I don’t want to blame it on Evgueni Marmaledov. Sure, he’s a rookie goalie, but he put up solid stats. He’s definetly a building block for the future. Don’t fucking trade him. Sophia Bennett is a stud. Don’t fucking trade her. This is a team that is primed for a return to prominence and a playoff spot. You fans better hope that Wasty and Bottas don’t fucking blow this up, or else they’ll be regarded as horrible GMs. But they know better, and there’s no way this will be messed up.

Eastern Conference

Rage Manhattan Rage Rage

Somehow, you almost made it. It would’ve been amazing to see a very bad Rage team pull a playoff appearance out of their ass, but it wasn’t meant to be, and Minnesota qualified over you. How you were able to do this, I don’t know. It might be the new GM effect, but don’t expect this to happen again. You are not good enough for a playoff run. You know your team is bad when there’s a whole bunch of inactives leading your team in points. There’s no one on this team besides Luke Atmey and Jason Attokailio, and the prospect pool is thin, led by a goalie in Cédric Moreau (YA DONT NEED ANOTHER ONE, JEEZUS CHRIST). JY, get your shit together man. If you’re gonna rebuild, follow Buffalo and Toronto.

Stars Toronto North Stars Stars

BRING US THE TANK!! It has returned to rule over Toronto. But in your case, it’s not really there anymore. Sure, you’ve got an old-ass man starring for you in Kristian Eriksson and you’ve got steady vets like Chris York and Elias Lindstrom. But what really matter for you is your prospects. Bobby Watson, Blabar Bananerstrom, and Tommy Tuck, among others, have already warranted call ups, and you’ve got Luuk Kraajkamp, Florence Clijsters, Mikhaïl Lokitonov, Richard Physt, and Paddy Kane-Reilly in the wings, patiently waiting for a call up. You guys are set for the future. Don’t fuck this up.

Finally, we have

Stampede Buffalo Stampede Stampede

LET THE GLORIOUS TANK ROLL INTO BUFFALO!!! WBF has done a great job here though, there’s no denying that. You still have Alexis Metzler, gifted to you from Portland seasons ago thanks to the incompetence of Wally, and you also have Charles Walker and Victor Vorkämpfer. The prospects here just amaze me. You’ve already called up Tatu Mäkela, Friedrich Koenig, Nico Grøss, Quick Mafs, and Viktor Marius, and you’ve got even more players marinating in the SMJHL. Dermot Lavelle has been one of the best players in the SMJHL, and Conor McGregor, GOD McZherl, and Kyle Keenan Jr. have been showing good progress. Yet again, you guys are set for the future. Don’t. Fuck. This. Up.

Thus ends another haters guide. Hopefully, if y’all want another one, I’ll gift it to you. Thanks for reading.

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#2

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#3

Quote:Originally posted by tweedledunn@Apr 18 2018, 05:15 PM
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:lol: did you google "lions tank"?

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#4

also, <a href='index.php?showuser=2724' rel='nofollow' alt='profile link' class='user-tagged mgroup-3'>bluesfan55</a> don't tell me how to tank lol great article :D

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#5

Quote:Originally posted by bluesfan55@Apr 18 2018, 07:21 PM
and you’ve got Luuk Kraajkamp, Florence Clijsters, Mikhaïl Lokitonov, Richard Physt, and Paddy Kane-Reilly in the wings, patiently waiting for a call up.

:(

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#6

Quote:Originally posted by Nobody@Apr 18 2018, 06:12 PM


:(
oman im sorry nobody
youre v gud too, don't worry about it
ur so gud i didn't even have to mention u eh?

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#7

Toronto is gonna decommission the tank next season we coming for da playoofs Stars

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#8

Quote:Originally posted by Grapehead@Apr 18 2018, 05:03 PM

:lol: did you google "lions tank"?

no way jose, i duckduckgo'd that shit

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#9

We won’t fuck it up bloos

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#10

Quote:Originally posted by bluesfan55+Apr 18 2018, 11:21 PM--><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1' id='QUOTE-WRAP'><tr><td>QUOTE (bluesfan55 @ Apr 18 2018, 11:21 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->
oman im sorry nobody
youre v gud too, don't worry about it
ur so gud i didn't even have to mention u eh?[/b]

Yes.. Let's go with that. :D

<!--QuoteBegin-ml002@Apr 18 2018, 11:29 PM
Toronto is gonna decommission the tank next season we coming for da playoofs&nbsp; Stars[/quote]

Hell yeah! There'll be no trace of any tank when we get there.

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