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ml002 · 10-30-2018, 02:49 PM

Why Your Team Sucks S44: Edmonton Blizzard

Disclaimer: This is in the same vein as Deadspin’s articles on NFL teams. All in good fun and I’m saving my team for last to really rail into them. Anything I say should be taken as a joke and I mean no offense. Did something different last season but felt like it was boring as hell to read and ultimately too positive.

Your Team: Edmonton Blizzard
I’ve said this since the rebrand a few seasons ago, but god damn I still love this brand. @karey out did himself with it. But of course it wouldn’t be Edmonton without a tortured fanbase that has to look to the past for any silverware, but the Blizz are expected to keep this window for a little while longer, but we are only four seasons away from the 20th anniversary of the Blizzard’s last Challenge Cup win, so they’ll be pushing even harder for a cup to avoid extending their current drought any longer.

Your S43 Record: 23-23-4 50 points (9th overall, 6th in the West)
With so many considering this team a favorite for the Cup, this must have been a swift kick in the balls. A strong season was destroyed with eight games to go, as the Blizz crashed out of the playoff race losing eight straight games. Most likely an anomaly for a strong roster, and I think they remain a top two seed in a very competitive Western Conference.

Your Star: W Oisin Fletcher @Evok
Formerly of the New England Wolfpack, Fletcher is coming into a team that were favorites to win, not just the West, but the Challenge Cup last season, but fell short of the playoffs after a torrid eight game skid to end the season after a lines debacle wasn’t caught until it was too late. Of course Fletcher came at a big cost and saw the Blizz’s number one center head the other way. But Fletcher is more than capable, as seen in S42 where Fletcher put the Pack on his back with 64 points in 50 games. This is addition should be a big boost to the offense as the defense continues into their collective prime.

What’s New That Sucks: G Tommy Tuck @Muford
Alright, I’ll say it. Tommy Tuck is fucking cursed. It’s the only reasonable explanation for how his teams find ways to miss the playoffs. Muford I love you, but stop being cursed. It’s crazy how for two consecutive seasons that you can manage to go on streaks of 10 losses and 8 losses in a row to miss the playoffs. This is a Blizzard team that will insulate you from taking shots on goals so just make the necessary saves and break your curse.

What has always sucked: Game 7s
Good fucking god guys. Four straight Game 7 losses in the postseason is just depressing, and that comes from a guy who hasn’t even made the SHL playoffs before. And that’s not even touching on the fact you haven’t made the Western Conference Finals since S32. I expect this team to finally break through this season, but the West is bloodbath.

What might not suck: The Defense
The amount of teams would kill to have the defense that this team can put out every night. Four defenseman over 1000 TPE, and another at over 800. Only reason why you concede goals is cause the goalie might forget they are playing a hockey game and let in a soft one on accident.

Let’s remember something that sucked: The Old Brands
So looking at your player history, y’all haven’t had bums that get torched every season, so I’m going after the garbage brands this team has endured. First, lets talk about the Comets. It’s okay. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but just kinda bland. After that you had the yeti. I can’t describe how much I disliked this brand. Among the worse on the site when I got here. Y’all should give karey an honorary spot in your ring of honor or something.

Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
[Image: MM4nqx6.png]

iOBESE · 10-30-2018, 05:57 PM

10-30-2018, 02:49 PMml002 Wrote: let in a soft one on accident.

I feel triggered! How dare you saying any goal is a soft one!?

But truthfully, I like these. Short, fun read. Thanks!

karlssens · 10-30-2018, 10:45 PM

moment of silence for taggle.
this season will be different.

Mack · 10-30-2018, 11:46 PM

Muford is the soul of the team... what is this guy on?

ml002 · 10-31-2018, 12:13 AM

10-30-2018, 11:46 PMMack Wrote: Muford is the soul of the team... what is this guy on?

Literally was drafted with Mu in both the SMJHL and SHL. I'm just poking fun at him for his bad luck

Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
[Image: MM4nqx6.png]

Mack · 10-31-2018, 12:59 AM

I know man I was just playing along I've seen your disclaimers!

***bluesfan55*** · 10-31-2018, 10:09 AM

I hereby give you the shitting mantle
go make me proud son

SlashACM · 10-31-2018, 11:33 AM

If you think tuck is bad.. hoo boy. Wait until Cain gets here

ErM · 10-31-2018, 01:10 PM

10-30-2018, 02:49 PMml002 Wrote:
Why Your Team Sucks S44: Edmonton Blizzard

Disclaimer: This is in the same vein as Deadspin’s articles on NFL teams. All in good fun and I’m saving my team for last to really rail into them. Anything I say should be taken as a joke and I mean no offense. Did something different last season but felt like it was boring as hell to read and ultimately too positive.

Your Team: Edmonton Blizzard
I’ve said this since the rebrand a few seasons ago, but god damn I still love this brand. @karey out did himself with it. But of course it wouldn’t be Edmonton without a tortured fanbase that has to look to the past for any silverware, but the Blizz are expected to keep this window for a little while longer, but we are only four seasons away from the 20th anniversary of the Blizzard’s last Challenge Cup win, so they’ll be pushing even harder for a cup to avoid extending their current drought any longer.

Your S43 Record: 23-23-4 50 points (9th overall, 6th in the West)
With so many considering this team a favorite for the Cup, this must have been a swift kick in the balls. A strong season was destroyed with eight games to go, as the Blizz crashed out of the playoff race losing eight straight games. Most likely an anomaly for a strong roster, and I think they remain a top two seed in a very competitive Western Conference.

Your Star: W Oisin Fletcher @Evok
Formerly of the New England Wolfpack, Fletcher is coming into a team that were favorites to win, not just the West, but the Challenge Cup last season, but fell short of the playoffs after a torrid eight game skid to end the season after a lines debacle wasn’t caught until it was too late. Of course Fletcher came at a big cost and saw the Blizz’s number one center head the other way. But Fletcher is more than capable, as seen in S42 where Fletcher put the Pack on his back with 64 points in 50 games. This is addition should be a big boost to the offense as the defense continues into their collective prime.

What’s New That Sucks: G Tommy Tuck @Muford
Alright, I’ll say it. Tommy Tuck is fucking cursed. It’s the only reasonable explanation for how his teams find ways to miss the playoffs. Muford I love you, but stop being cursed. It’s crazy how for two consecutive seasons that you can manage to go on streaks of 10 losses and 8 losses in a row to miss the playoffs. This is a Blizzard team that will insulate you from taking shots on goals so just make the necessary saves and break your curse.

What has always sucked: Game 7s
Good fucking god guys. Four straight Game 7 losses in the postseason is just depressing, and that comes from a guy who hasn’t even made the SHL playoffs before. And that’s not even touching on the fact you haven’t made the Western Conference Finals since S32. I expect this team to finally break through this season, but the West is bloodbath.

What might not suck: The Defense
The amount of teams would kill to have the defense that this team can put out every night. Four defenseman over 1000 TPE, and another at over 800. Only reason why you concede goals is cause the goalie might forget they are playing a hockey game and let in a soft one on accident.

Let’s remember something that sucked: The Old Brands
So looking at your player history, y’all haven’t had bums that get torched every season, so I’m going after the garbage brands this team has endured. First, lets talk about the Comets. It’s okay. It’s nothing groundbreaking, but just kinda bland. After that you had the yeti. I can’t describe how much I disliked this brand. Among the worse on the site when I got here. Y’all should give karey an honorary spot in your ring of honor or something.

YOU BASTARD. THIS IS ALL TRUE!

jRuutu · 10-31-2018, 05:08 PM

Lol, Edmonton. Is that even a real place?

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