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JC488 · 01-01-2019, 11:20 PM

3609 words

Game 1: @ Detroit Falcons (L 5-2) "A Cold Welcome Back"

Hi I'm Deve Stangle and welcome to the first OFR, as the Anaheim Outlaws have RETURNED TRIUMPHANTLY to the SMJHL (YAY!). If I'm online enough, I'll be able to do this every day (can't even do day 1 right tho), which is doubtful, but I will try

IN OTHER NEWS, OUTLAWS lose 5-2 to open up their season. Yikes, where do we begin on this one? The season is still early, ITS STILL EARLY. The Outlaws can STILL WIN in their FIRST SEASON. The first period was all Detroit. They dominated possession, dominated in shots, and most importantly took the lead as Kit Smeb finds his own rebound after a missed shot to score his first career goal. The defense just fell asleep and left Mike Hunt defenseless after he had been barraged with shots. The Outlaws started to fight back, but then Uvis Zommers took an offensive zone hooking call. You have to be aware of your stick, and like an angry stripper, the Falcons made the Outlaws PAY. Eero Makinen shoots the puck and Hippo Passamus is WIDE OPEN to bury the rebound. And it's 2-0 F-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KEEGAN ANGELO GETS THE PUCK AND SCOOOOOOOOOOOORES THE OUTLAWS FIRST GOAL AS A NEW FRANCHSE! WOOOO ITS 2-1! Just like that, the Outlaws are BACK IN IT! Both teams trade minor penalties, and the first period ends with the Outlaws down 2-1.

SECOND PERIOD. The Outlaws started to control the game, HUNGRY to tie the game up. But, even on the power play, they are no match for Cedric Robinson, or themselves AS THEY KEEP MISSING THE NET. LISTEN TO GRETZKY YOU FOOLS. After a few good chances by the Outlaws, Anthony Banthony gets sent to the box for holding, the Falcons get the puck and score after Wolfhard Richter picked up his own rebound to make it 3-1. Mike Hunt did NOT look like he was anticipating another shot, and had no chance. It looked like that one goal took all the life out of the Outlaws as the Falcons controlled the puck for most of the period thanks to a delay of game penalty by Thornton Opperman (COME ON, MAN!) and so the period ends, 3-1.

THIRD PERIOD. After a scoring chance by the Outlaws first line, the Falcons just skate into the Outlaws' zone and score. Good shot by David Fantobens and its now 4-1 Falcons. If the Outlaws don't turn this around, they are gonna be in trouble. But, three-goal leads are the worst lead in hockey. All they need to do is find their inner Boston Bruin and OH COME ON HUNT YOU CANT BE GIVING UP THAT BIG OF A REBOUND. Franz Cooper gets an easy goal after Mike Hunt coughs up a Donnie Dicks shot to make it 5-1 Falcons. Two goals in 50 seconds for the Falcons to basically end the game. But wait, HERE COMES THE OUTLAWS. They immediately draw a penalty as Pierre Laroche-Durocher gets sent to the box for hooking (BAD!). THEN, NOT EVEN A MINUTE AFTER THE 5-1 GOAL, OSBERT WHACKER GETS HIS FIRST GOAL AND ITS 5-2! With still a lot of time left, the Outlaws can still create a comeback for the ages... AAAND its like the goal NEVER HAPPENED, because Detroit is dominating possession. I guess momentum doesn't exist after all. The Outlaws tried everything, with 17(!) shots in the third, but they couldn't get it in the net as the game ends 5-2.

Honestly, the Outlaws weren't that bad, as much as I rib them for this game. It's just what I do, so to the Outlaws, you guys played alright. That offense needs work though. You know it's bad when JACO PETERMEN has the most shots. That guy has probably the least scoring talent on the team! Mike Hunt had a great preseason, so I think this game won't be the norm, and as long as the defense plays strong in front of him, it can become a strength for this team. THE OUTLAWS ARE HERE TO STAY, AND HERE. TO. SLAY.

Now, Falcons fans, if you were me, you would look at the upsides of this game and would realize that its game 1 of a long season. Still some hockey to be played, and a lot of time to reorganize and become a strong team. Next game is against Lethbridge, and that will be a great test to see how good this team REALLY IS. Don't panic yet, for this team can definitely grow and bud into a team fighting for a playoff spot. You just GOTTA BELIEVE IN THIS TEAM AND THE DANGLES.

Now, Outlaws fans, if I was a Falcons fan and you were me, you would probably be jealous of how cool I am, and pretty confident about your future. You still have a great defense and can contend for a championship if everything comes together. Kit Smeb looks like a great pick, and everything is starting to come together to form a well-rounded team. If you keep up performances like these, you'll go far this season. Enjoy the run if it happens, and if not, just remember game 1 when you defeated the championship-winning Anaheim Outlaws 5-2. That'll cheer you up.

So thank you so much for reading, if you disliked it I don't care, if you really disliked it I don't care and I'll see you in two seconds as I annoy you with game 2.

GAME 2: vs Lethbridge Lions (W 7-1) "ONE IN A BRAZILIAN"

OUTLAWS WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN SEVEN (7!) to ONE against the LETHBRIDGE LIONS! Did I mention we scored SEVEN (7!) GOALS? BECAUSE WE DID! FIRST PERIOD. The Outlaws started off big and started off EARLY. Tye Maximino, the AMINO ACID HIMSELF, scores his first goal just a little over a minute in the game as he waltzes in and SNIPES one on Patrice Nadeau. 1-0 Outlaws! We do the same thing two minutes later, but its COLLIN GIBBLES WITH HIIIIIS FIRST GOAL THIS SEASON. Vital Kravstov with assists on both goals proving his mama named him right, VITAL! Lethbridge takes a penalty that the Outlaws can't capitalize on, but WE DON'T NEED A MAN ADVANTAGE TO HAVE POWER. UVIS ZOMMERS SCORES AFTER A NICE PASSING PLAY AND SOME BALLS BY MILO MOMOKA TO MAKE IT 3-0! Milo "Literally Wayne Gretzky" Momoka would have THREE ASSISTS this PERIOD. All primary assists too, as he FEEDS HIRO FUJIKAWA TO MAKE IT 4-0! THE STAR SNIPER GETS HIS FIRST GOAL AS AN OUTLAW AND ITS TURNING INTO A BLOWOUT. I guess Nadeau should be called NaDON'T because he gets sent to the bench after this goal. I guess the goalie change sparked something in the Lions because Monkey D. Luffy (The dude must've been bullied a lot in school) finds the back of the net to put the Lions on the board. The Outlaws dominated the period, for the most part, tripling the Lions in shots, and having a 3 goal lead when the horn sounded.

SECOND PERIOD. Cant Eykhil (sounds like a drunk guy saying Eichel) CANT stay out of the box as he gets a penalty for roughing 17 SECONDS IN! REALLY? YOU CANT LAST MORE THAN 17 SECONDS? Well lucky for you, you don't last the two minutes either as Anthony Banthony scores to make it FIVE. TO. ONE. Lethbridge then proceeded to control the game for most of the second, outshooting the Outlaws 8 to 3. This included a Lethbridge Power Play when Collin Gibbles got put in for Cross-Checking. Outside of that, there weren't many scoring chances for either team, as it was just back and forth with the Lions getting the better chances.

THIRD PERIOD. The Outlaws try their best to suck for a period giving up FOUR penalties this period. But, the PK does their thing and it's the Outlaws that score SHORT-HANDED as Fujikawa gets his second of the night. For those at home keeping score, it is now 6-1 OUTLAWS. That goal was during an Aaron Freakin Rome penalty for holding. Halfway through the period, Vital Kravstov gets called for boarding, and the Outlaws kill it off. Then, JERRY. THE SNAKE. MANDER. HE OUTLAWS' FIRST EVERY DRAFT PICK BURIES A PASS FROM KEEGAN ANGELO FOR A MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. The Outlaws spent the rest of the period on the Penalty for the most part as Banthony and Mander both get sent to the box for interference and high-sticking respectively. The latter didn't even spend a minute as the game ends 7-1.

WHAT A WIN FOR THE OUTLAWS IN THEIR RETURN TO ANAHEIM. If only they can score seven goals against every team, but this will be a game Anaheim fans remember for a long, loooooooooong time. It looked like a game between an UNSTOPPABLE FORCE and a movable object. I like Lethbridge though, and hope they do well though. But, instead of having a condom night, they should instead give them to their net for better protection. It seemed like all cylinders were running for the Outlaws today, as 3 out of 4 lines scored, and the Outlaws were dominant on special teams. Mike Hunt also stopped 20 of the 21 shots that came his way, being there when he was needed.

Lions fans, if you were me, you would be proud to be supporting the far superior expansion team and would be confident in this team for the upcoming season. THESE GUYS CAN SCORE, they just need to be threatening offensively on a regular basis. I'm not saying 7 goals a night, but enough to give Mike Hunt and the defense some support. You'd be enjoying this win right now, so get out the alcohol and have a good time.

Outlaws fans, if I was a Lions fan and you were me, I would put my faith in the process. It doesn't seem like you guys will be contending, but have faith that management can turn this team around through drafting and signing other players for the future. The Lions management seems like a bunch of good guys, they'll get their stuff figured out in no time, I promise that.

So thank you so much for reading, if you disliked it I don't care, if you really disliked it I don't care and I'll see you-

BONUS ROOOOOOOOOOOOOUND TIME!

Game 3: vs Colorado Raptors (L 5-2) "Trust the Process"

OUTLAWS lose 5-2 against the Raptors from Colorad-oo. I guess Anaheim forgot there was a game today because they sucked at the start of the first period. Alexander Selich scores after only 2:31 since the puck dropped. THEN HE SCORES AGAIN, luckily getting the puck after Michael Scarn missed the net. DID YOU GUYS FORGET HE SCORED ON YOU GUYS A MINUTE AGO? This is going to be a long game, or so I thought. Because after Colorado barraged Mike Hunt with shots from all directions on a good power play (though the Outlaws PK killed it off!), all I needed was a HIRO. FUJIKAWA GETS THE OUTLAWS ON THE BOARD AND MAKES IT A GAME! Good play by the first line as it seems that the Outlaws have woken up from their nap. After the Fujikawa tally, the game became rather even, with the Outlaws somehow keeping up with the Raptors, who are one of the better teams in the league. The period ended with the Outlaws looking better than what the stats show, mainly due to being dominated during the beginning of the game.

SECOND PERIOD. The Outlaws are OUTPLAYING THE RAPTORS. They keep drawing penalties, now its time to take the lead on the power play. 10 seconds in and Cassius Darrow was caught for tripping. The Outlaws get a bunch of shots, but the Raptors are able to get bodies in front to support Yuri Ushakov who also made three saves. Despite being shut down, the Outlaws Power Play didn't look bad, and it looks like they'll score if you give them enough chances. The Raptors use the momentum to turn the tides, but then Chico Smeb gets 2 minutes for holding. Alright, Power Play now is the time for you to tie the game up! Or you could just miss the net, only making Ushakov stop the puck once. The Outlaws stay on it though, hungry to tie the game up. Chico Smeb gets called for a penalty again, being sent to the box for slashing. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE ANAHEIM! Why is the puck staying in the Outlaws' zone? This is a power play for us, right? How are the Raptors controlling the puck? Aaaand they scored. Lillie Jacobs scores a shorthanded goal as the power play gets progressively worse. I guess this is karma for doing the same thing to the Lions last game. Zivan Zidek gets called for slashing, the fourth penalty the raptors took this period, and the Outlaws do nothing with it, and the period ends with the score being a frustrating 3-1.

THIRD PERIOD. The Outlaws start off strong again, keeping the puck in the Raptors' zone. Then we got to see some 4 on 4 hockey as Osbert Whacker and Nick Novak both got 2 minutes. This is around the time the Outlaws died out a bit and the Raptors began to control the game until HIRO FUJIKAWA BECOMES A BEAST AND SCORES. THIRD TIMES THE CHARM AND THE OUTLAWS ARE ONLY DOWN BY ONE. This was true for about 50 seconds as Konstantin Voloshin capitalizes on an icing to put the Raptors back up by 2. This would basically end the Outlaws chances as they seemed to be dead like a harpooned seal after the goal. Cassius Darrow would score at the end of a Raptors power play to make it 5-2, and the Outlaws responded by putting the Raptors back on the power play for the rest of the game. Thus, the game ended 5-2.

This game was a tale of two teams for the Outlaws, one was the one that was just quiet on offense and with possession, and the other one was Hiro Fujikawa and the offense putting everything they got at the net. Fujikawa looks good, he now has four goals in his last two games and seems to be meeting and even exceeding the expectations that the Outlaws had for him. Hopefully, the rest of the team follows his lead (Looking at you third line!) and starts to show the offense that we saw against Lethbridge.

Raptors fans, if you were me, you would see the good this team has. The Outlaws HAVE POTENTIAL, you can clearly see it when they can go toe to toe with the now point-leading Raptors. If the team can play a full sixty minutes, they'll surprise people. The Outlaws just need a little more offense, as one man cannot carry the entire team. The Outlaws did a good job creating this team though, especially with the first line, they're looking really good this year.

Outlaws fans, if I was a Raptors fan and you were me, you would be happy with the team you have. Darrow, Scarn, and Selich were all dominant today, and the defense looked great. Many shots were blocked and it made Ushakov's job easy, only needing to save 20 shots. They showed that the Outlaws defense still has a long way to go from being elite, and it looks like your final run last year wasn't a fluke. Enjoy the ride, because this team should make the playoffs.

So thank you so much for reading, if you disliked it I don't care, if you really disliked it I don't care and I'll see you in two seconds as you keep reading this article for some reason

Game 4: @ Colorado Raptors (W 3-2 SO) "BACK WITH A VENGEANCE"

OUTLAWS WIIIIIIIIN 4-3 IN THE SHOOTOUT OVER THE COLORADO RAPTORS. BEAT US ONCE, SHAME ON ME. BEAT US TWICE, YEAH THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. Shout-out to Tibuk Soonika, who lost his starting job in the preseason and proceeded to beat the best team in the SMJHL right now. FIRST PERIOD. Osbert Whacker gets called for an early penalty and gets sent to the box 36 seconds in. Soonika did not start off well giving up two rebounds, the latter being capitalized on by Jean-Pierre Gay. 1-0 Raptors early in the game and it looks like history is repeating itself. But, this time the Outlaws offense was prevalent and began to gain momentum as the period went by, despite not scoring on a power play. 9:24 into the first, and KEEGAN ANGELO SCORES TO TIE THE GAME UP. THE PLAYMAKER GETS HIS SECOND GOAL OF THE SEASON. THen the opposite happened from the first goal, and the Raptors began to gain momentum, controlling possession and outshooting the Outlaws 13 to 7 at the end of the first.

SECOND PERIOD. The Raptors start right where they left off, controlling the game and getting on the scoreboard as Jakub "Not Nick" Novak scores on his own rebound after his first shot was blocked by Jerry Mander. 30 seconds after going down 2-1, the Outlaws go on the Power Play after Anastasia O'Koivu gets called for hooking. This Anastasia hadn't been missing, being a crucial part of the Raptors strong defense in the two games against the Outlaws. Yuri Ushakov was definitely tested on the power play, needing to make 5 saves, but despite a strong power play, the Outlaws once again can't capitalize on a man advantage. But the Outlaws keep digging and Uvis Zommers finds Jonny Jokihoki who FINDS THE BACK OF THE NET. It's A TIE GAME ONCE AGAIN. This would not deter the Raptors though, as they would control possession in the second period, and once again their penalty kill would silence the Outlaws' power play to keep the game tied. Despite the amount of time the Raptors had the puck, the Outlaws out-shot them 10 to 8.

THIRD PERIOD. Despite the lack of scoring, the period was still an entertaining one. This is the first period in the Outlaws season where a goal was not scored from either team. Possession-wise, the period was even, both teams going back and forth with the momentum. Shots were a different story, with the Raptors outshooting the Outlaws 11-5. There was only one penalty when Raptors' Veikka Toivanen was called for interference. I'll give you three guesses to how the Outlaws did on their power play (hint: it might be their worst power play so far this year). With the game tied at two, we are heading to Overtime! Despite the shaky start to the game, Soonika stood on his head, denying the Raptors any chance they got. His counterpart would do the same, with both goalies saving the puck 4 times, as the game stayed dead even throughout overtime. But after overtime, it became Soonika Time, as he needed to stop Colorado's finest to give the Outlaws their second win of the year. Fujikawa DANGLES ONE PAST Yuri Ushakov to give the Outlaws a great start. Soonika STOPS JAKUB NOVAK WITH A BEAUTIFUL SAVE AND THE OUTLAWS HAVE THE ADVANTAGE. THornton Opperman misses the net on his shot, but it doesnt matter, we're STILL UP! Alexander "I scored two goals on Mike Hunt" Selich is up, but he won't score on Soonika, who makes the STOP. THE ANAHEIM OUTLAWS ARE A GOAL AWAY FROM WINNING THE GAME, AND THEY DO IT. WHO SCORED? JERRY. THE SNAKE. MANDER. KNOCKING ONE HOME AND THE OUTLAWS WIIIIIIIN 3-2.

What a game for the Outlaws! Tibuk Soonika STOOD ON HIS HEAD. 34 saves on 36 shots is something to be proud of, and I would be if I was him. I'm worried about this Power Play though. Another quiet game for them, not getting a single power play goal. Their Power Play % is 14.29%, which is 8th in the league, but something that can be improved on. The PK is also a little down, outside of the game against Lethbridge, where its under 70%. Special Teams is definitely something to look at if I'm the coach.

Since I just did an "If you were me" for Colorado, I'm going to do something different and poke fun at everyone's favorite bottom six forward: Jaco Petermen. Every game we ask ourselves a simple question, "Will Jaco Petermen do something today?". Today the answer is no, as he was pretty much invisible with one shot, two hits and nothing else. So far this season he is -4 with no points and 8 shots. 5 of those shots were from the first game of the year. And yes, this guy IS getting power play time.

So thank you so much for reading, if you disliked it I don't care, if you really disliked it I don't care and I'll see you when Anaheim makes the playoffs.

***luke*** · 01-02-2019, 12:39 AM

I love it, great

Avakael · 01-02-2019, 08:23 AM

Avakael · 01-02-2019, 08:25 AM

Also eat a bell pepper already you fucking dweeb

BRayne · 01-02-2019, 08:13 PM

I liked the parts where I made saves and won. I disliked the parts where I got scored on and lost.

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