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sharksisback · 01-08-2019, 09:21 PM

A victory on par with the New York Rangers’ 1994 Stanley Cup has occurred. After weeks of waiting through multiple agonizing losses, the Halifax Raiders have won a game. The unfortunate victims of the Raiders’ first victory were the Detroit Falcons. As usual, Troy Reynolds was the first to comment, asking if Halifax can now claim Eminem as one of their own. Jimmy Slothface had a two point night, including the game-winning goal in the first period. He’s beginning to live up to the first round hype. And goaltender Mike McKorsy had a brilliant game, making 21 out of 22 saves.

The real story is how the Raiders celebrated. We have been getting multiple different reports of what occurred following their victory, so we’re going to try to compile it into a timeline.

10:10 PM: Raiders begin to leave the arena. Troy Reynolds was spotted pointing at the front of the Falcons’ bus, then pointing at a disgruntled Kit Smeb and yelled “Are you sure this isn’t a horse? Chico said that this is a horse”. Jimmy Slothface nudges Reynolds to stop him from causing a ruckus. Perry Morgan says “I’m pretty sure that’s a bus. Silly Troy, always mixing up his animals.”

10:15 PM: Troy Reynolds, Perry Morgan, Jimmy Slothface and Touncie Bitties pack into a car on their way to the local bar. Raiders captain Dom Montgomery tells them not to “fuck around” and ruin the team’s reputation. Slothface and Morgan both say they promise not to, Bitties tells him he’ll snapchat him some titties later on, and Reynolds stares at a brunette passing the car. The four invite Matt Kholin and Clifton Outlaw to come along, but they decline, citing a long night. Reynolds calls them both “lightweights” before they speed off into the night.

10:23 PM: The four Raiders arrive at the Taboo Nightclub to a chorus of cheers. Bartender Annie Wilkins offers them free shots all night. Annie Wilkins is an enabler and was fired following the events of this night. Touncie Bitties and Troy Reynolds jump on this opportunity. According to a source, Jimmy Slothface seemed to begrudgingly participate, while Perry Morgan was coerced into it by Troy Reynolds, who told him “I bet all of Montreal’s defensemen would do it”.

10:30 PM: Touncie Bitties heads to the restroom with an attractive woman with large...features.

10:31 PM: Said woman walks out of the restroom, looking very unhappy. Bitties soon follows, looking disappointed in himself.

10:45 PM: Having consumed about 9 shots of hard liquor, Troy Reynolds decides it’s a good time to go dance. Jimmy Slothface was allegedly much more conservative with his drinking, and heads to the dancefloor to make sure Reynolds doesn’t get himself arrested. Perry Morgan is approached by a man from Colombia who wants to show him something.

10:55 PM: Troy Reynolds gets into a shoving match with a man over the brunette he saw outside of the arena 40 minutes prior. The woman seems confused because she isn’t even dating the man trying to fight Reynolds. Jimmy Slothface is feeling a wave of dread. Touncie Bitties is sitting at the bar, drinking away his sorrows.

11:00 PM: Cooler heads prevail, the brunette tells the other man that he has a small penis and to “fuck off”. Troy Reynolds has officially fallen in love with this woman at this point. Jimmy Slothface, having watched this entire scene occur, is dumbfounded by this new development. The Colombian man, now known as Carlos “La Biblioteca” Esparza, gives Perry Morgan a bag and says that “you don’t know me from this minute forward, comprende?”

11:20 PM: Reynolds and his brunette companion sit in a booth and make-out. JImmy Slothface has let them have their private time and tries to console Touncie Bitties. Bitties is overheard saying “I didn’t mean for it to be so quick, but she was so pretty and I don’t know what happened.”

11:25 PM: Perry Morgan finds Troy, and tries to show him the bag. Reynolds is having none of it, and is requesting to be left alone with the woman. Perry then pulls the bag out anyway, and Troy’s eyes light up. The woman’s eyes also light up, and Troy has to cover her mouth before she blurts out what’s in the bag. Cocaine. Cocaine is what’s in the bag.

11:30 PM: Reynolds, Morgan and the brunette find Slothface hugging a crying Touncie Bitties. Slothface asks what the problem is and Troy flashes the bag at him. At this point, Jimmy Slothface’s soul has seemingly left his body. They all come to the conclusion that they must leave the club, but Carlos Esparza walks up to the five of them, offering them a round of drinks. Perry makes a “hell no” motion, but before anyone answers, Troy Reynolds has already taken him up on his offer.

When questioned on this instance, Troy Reynolds said “well he offered me drinks, and we were already getting them for free. It was stupid but I love screwing people in suits out of their money.”

11:45 PM: Reynolds and Esparza have gone to the VIP section, where Morgan and Esparza had met beforehand. Esparza tells Reynolds a story about his Porsche. Reynolds is enthralled, when Esparza says “...and then two teenage nothings flipped my car and expected to get away with it.” At this point, Reynolds suddenly realizes that he left his oven on but Esparza insists that he stays, and the men behind him flash pistols.

Meanwhile, Touncie Bitties tries to flirt with Troy’s brunette friend when she says “Sorry dude, my friend told me that you can’t get it up. Also isn’t Troy your teammate?” With these facts in mind, Bitties drops back into his drunken depression.

12:00 AM: Esparza has threatened Troy with bodily harm about three dozen times by now. Many overhear the conversation but don’t intervene because Carlos Esparza is a known drug kingpin and they “don’t fuck with that noise”. Jimmy Slothface decides to go check on Reynolds.

12:10 AM: Esparza tells Reynolds and Slothface that if they do not repay him for his totaled Porsche, they won’t ever be physically able to play hockey again. Slothface has spent his entire contract already, and Reynolds is a spiteful dick and tells him to shove it. Esparza then punches Reynolds with his ring hand, leaving an imprint on his cheek.

12:15 AM: Esparza allows them to leave but tells them “the clock is ticking”.

12:16 AM: Reynolds, Slothface, Morgan, Bitties, and the token female love interest leave the club in a hurry.

12:17 AM: Reynolds spots the man he was arguing with walking away from his car. Jimmy attempts to tell him not to do it, but then Reynolds walks over and keys the man’s car. The brunette blushes and lovingly says “My hero!” Jimmy Slothface is now convinced that the world is a simulation and this is the broken one. Touncie Bitties takes notes on how to impress women. Perry Morgan still has the bag.

12:25 AM: After minutes of deliberating what to do, Reynolds comes up with a brilliant plan.

“So that guy has coke on him huh?”

“Yes, he does”, replied Perry Morgan.

“Let’s just call the cops on him. Blame him for the scratch on that dude’s car too.”

“You’re fucking crazy, this is fucking crazy, all of you are insane,” says Jimmy Slothface.

12:30 AM: Troy Reynolds carries out his plan, reports that Carlos Esparza is at the Taboo Nightclub to the police. Halifax PD dispatches multiple units to the nightclub

12:32 AM: The four Raiders and Troy’s companion book it away from the nightclub. Keep in mind that all of these individuals have been drinking relentlessly throughout the night. Jimmy Slothface allegedly drove, because he “doesn’t trust any of you psycho fucks” to drive them home.

12:38 AM: Halifax PD arrive at Taboo Nightclub and peacefully arrest Carlos Esparza.

12:45 AM: Jimmy Slothface drops Touncie Bitties off at his apartment. Bitties is still dejected, so Perry Morgan does what a leader would do and stays with him for the night so he doesn’t drink more or jump off his balcony. Reynolds requests that Morgan gives him the bag and Morgan obliges because he sure as hell doesn’t want to get caught with cocaine.

1:00 AM: Slothface drops Reynolds and his brunette friend off at his home. Reynolds thanks Slothface for not crashing the car, and tells him to have a safe trip home. It should be noted that there were tire tracks spotted in Reynolds’ front yard and multiple broken fences throughout Halifax suburbs. We cannot confirm whether this was due to Slothface’s drunk driving, so we’ll just say it wasn’t him.

1:10 AM: Jimmy Slothface arrives home.

1:30 AM: Troy Reynolds’ neighbors report loud noises from his home, but don’t report it to the authorities because “dude they just won the first game, he can bang my daughter and fist my dog and I’d shake his hand”.

We at the Halifax Gazette aren’t quite sure what to make of this. On one hand, this is not the behavior expected of Halifax Raiders, especially potential cocaine addict Troy Reynolds. But on the other hand, they did get one of the world’s most wanted criminals locked up. Well done gentlemen.

Cody Parkey
Former NFL Kicker
Halifax Gazette