Blog Post 3: February 28

SOMEWHERE ABOVE CANADA (AGAIN) ---  Hey everybody! The Knights are on our way over to Halifax. This is like a seven hour flight so I’ve had plenty of time for writing up in the air. We have a travel day today and then tomorrow we’re playing the Raiders. That’s going to be pretty exciting because some of the guys I played with in the prospect showcase ended up over there, so it’ll be great to get to see them again (even if we’re trying to embarrass each other on the ice). They’ve been playing really well, I don’t think they’ve lost a game yet, but I’m hoping we can get our groove back or whatever. We won our first two games, but lost our last two and we’ve been working really hard at practice since then so hopefully we’ll be able to get back in the swing of things and show them what’s what. 

Plenty of stuff has happened since the last time I wrote here. I have an apartment in Kelowna now! I share it with two other guys on the team - Vadim Malichov and Aleksandr Scherbak. They’re both Russian, so now I’m trying to learn some Russian to show them what a team player I am. Vadim and I are on the same line, and we’re getting along pretty great so far. And Aleksandr is a great cook, so I don’t really have any complaints yet. 

Kelowna is amazing, by the way. It’s on the water, and there’s so much nature to get out and explore. I had the chance to go out this weekend with one of the groups I’m volunteering with, and it’s so beautiful even now in the middle of winter. I can’t wait to see it once everything is green and alive. I’m also really glad to be able to do whatever work I can with the kids; they were all such troopers and got out there and hiked around in the snow with us all day and I think they all had a lot of fun and learned some stuff about teamwork. 

It’s easy to get discouraged sometimes and think that all the work we do towards equality and all that is just a tiny drop in the bucket, and that we’re never going to get anywhere, but just yesterday I saw somebody actually did a whole interview coming out, and I think that’s just evidence that we’re making a little progress, anyway. I know there are already guys who are gay or bisexual in pro hockey (other than me), I know there have been for a long time because I’ve known some of them personally. 

But it means a lot that it’s getting to the point where more people feel safe saying that up front as soon as they get to the league. Some of the guys I’ve talked to said it took them years before they felt safe around enough people to be open about it. So the fact that I can be as open about it as I have been, that speaks volumes, because I don’t even feel like that’s particularly brave of me. I know we’ve gotten to the point where if somebody gives me shit for it, there’s also going to be someone who offers to kick his ass for me, and it’s really….I don’t know, heartwarming, I guess, to know that I’m not the only one who feels that way. 

And it’s great that I can be true to that part of myself and also put all of my thought and energy into hockey. It’s different, still, I know, from if I was doing something else. If I was in some other line of work, where these things have been accepted and embraced for longer, I probably wouldn’t even be writing about it. I might not feel like it’s so important to do the community work I do. I know we still have a lot of work to do, and it does all feel like a drop in the bucket sometimes, but on good days, the progress is more apparent and I realize how lucky I really am. 

Because I am really just wildly, insanely lucky, to live at the time I do and to be able to play the sport I love. I’ve been sort of floating in and out of disbelief the last week or so. Training camp was so demanding and so much work, but it was still hockey, it’s still the same set of skills I’ve been building up my whole life. So I think it was important for me, every now and then, to just take a mental step back and remind myself that this is real, this is it, this is what I’ve been working for, and push myself that much harder. 

It’s not easy, I could say that a few hundred times and I still don’t think I’d quite express how much I’ve had to adjust my own expectations of myself. We’ve played four games now and I still don’t have a point yet. I don’t think I’ve been playing badly or anything, but I’m not getting as much time on the ice as I’m used to. That totally makes sense, because there are guys on the team who are way better than me and have been doing this longer, but it also means I have a limited amount of time to make adjustments and figure out what I’m doing wrong. It also means I have to absolutely bust my ass in practice, which I’m doing, and I’m so tired. It’s a good kind of tired, though, where I feel accomplished and like I’m doing something productive, but I have never been so grateful for afternoon naps. 

That’s really my whole mood about everything right now - I’m grateful. I’m really grateful to the Knights for drafting me and giving me this chance to live my dreams, I’m grateful to my teammates for making me feel welcome, and I’m so, so grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had so far. I’m just going to keep working and try my hardest to prove I deserve the chances I’ve been given. 

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