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*slothfacekilla* · 03-07-2019, 12:38 PM

Ready for grading, believe it is 1,743 words without formatting but as you see below I'm not very smart. Please DO NOT pay out a percentage to @"Flareon4043" for his editor's notes. He was nice enough to let me keep all the money. Sucker.

SLOTH’S THOUGHTS – DAY 23 REST DAY

Dear Magical Laptop Diary,

There’s a little bit of tension in the Halifax bachelor pad after Dom and Perry saw my episode of SHL Cribs last night, so I feel like I needed a safe space to write my thoughts down. Perry took his SodaStream into his room again and I haven’t seen him (or that dumbass machine) [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: How dare you call Sody a dumbass. He is a TREASURE to this household and you should all respect him a little more. My lil' guy makes the best bitching soda ever, the corner shop has nothing on Sody!] since. I stood outside his door trying to get him to come out, but I don’t think he could hear me over his music…. and I’m pretty sure this was on repeat:

[PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Soda Pop is a defining song in western culture, don't disrespect that too.]

Things weren’t much better with Dom. Apparently, I am a “liar” because we all agreed to have Troy the cactus in our pad. I remember it differently, but since it is a prickly situation I just let it be. ALSO, I am apparently “extremely dense” because I tape myself hiding his artwork for my Instagram stories every time and APPARENTLY Dom can see those (note to self, is Dom a hacker?). I’m not sure what my weight has to do with this, but it doesn’t matter anyways because Dom installed a freaking alarm system while I was gone today:

[Image: Kunsthistorisches-Museum-Wien-Laserdetek...SICK-3.jpg]

[Image: Kunsthistorisches-Museum-Wien-Laserdetek...SICK-3.jpg]

Freaking lasers! It seems like a bit of an overreaction to me, but I guess I am stuck staring at that thing until I move out. I’m also starting to suspect Perry and Dom may have retaliated against Rupert. When I came home he was acting very sluggish and ended up falling asleep in the middle of my room. I noticed his bed was unplugged so I hope that was just an accident, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to Rupert. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Both forms of Troy are a treasure, staring at both him and Cactus him should be taken in high regard. Also Rupert is dumb, my Henry back home would eat his ass up in 3 seconds flat.]

I figured it was time to make this right (and also protect myself and Rupert) so I offered to go to the store to pick up ingredients to cook whatever Perry and Dom wanted. I was already going there to restock my second beer fridge, but they don’t need to know that. I went down the hall to Perry’s room again (I could have found it with my eyes closed, just follow the soft tones of Morrisey [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: He is a vile man and I will never listen to his music, I'm disappointed in you Jimmy for thinking I'd listen to him. You were hearing the sweet sounds of whatshis face from Coldplay] and slipped a note under his door and waited. After a few minutes the paper slid back out and the response I got was “Mayo?” I was quite confused until I remembered that Perry spent a lot more time in the UK than I did, and he is still fascinated with the difference in North American mayo. I’m not going to judge the guy. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: I have been in Halifax for over a year now and I am yet to find good Mayo! Even Heinz (which should be the same no?) tastes like actual SHITE. I've resorted to importing Hellmans from back home, but that ain't easy to keep up on my Wolfpack contract.]

I don’t need to tell you this Mr. Laptop but I had to jump on ya and ask the google machines: “How to make mayo?” We had a little set back as I got confused and I don’t think I was on googles:

https://twitter.com/thapizzasloth/status...5787220992

I think it was some sort of virus so I restarted you and typed “google” into google to make sure I was in the right place. I figured with this setback I should start small with just “mayo” and was immediately intimidated by the results. Mayo is so damn hard to make that there is an entire CLINIC dedicated to it. Flustered, I shut you off and got a beer. But we aren’t quitters so back to the internet tubes we went. I decided to narrow it back to the “how to make mayo” and finally found the ingredients I need. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Oh lord Jimmy you need to take a class or something, my fuckin Nan would manage this. Maybe I should teach you hmmm. Also remind me to log into your twitter and delete that tweet before the Gazette sees it]

Next I stopped by Dom’s room to ask him what he wanted to cook. He was a bit distracted by his phone, which seemed to be getting rapid fire text notifications, and Dom told me to go back to my laptop and he would give me a recipe. I waited at you for a couple hours before Dom walked into the living room and asked me what the hell I was doing. Turns out that he emailed me the recipe and it was INSIDE of you (not that I need to tell you that). [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Again, classes, or something I have no idea. Also what's with the humanising of household appliances? Do we need to get you to a pschy?]

https://www.dinneratthezoo.com/bacon-wra...en-breast/

Big yikes. Dom knows I’m more idiot sandwich than Gordon Ramsey so I’m not sure why he thought I could handle this, but off I went to the store. After taking my 3 two fours to the car it was time to shop for the guys.

First up was the mayo, and at the top of the list was 1 large egg yolk. Right away, all the eggs seemed to be the same size. PANIC. Also, I only saw whole eggs. I asked someone where they kept the yolks and I swear they muttered “you must be yolking” [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: What a lad whoever that was. But Jimmy you completely deserve it, I'm glad we got you out of Finland when we did, you need some life classes as well as tech ones] before just walking away with a confused look on their face. But yolks on all my teachers growing up because I adapted and ended up cracking one of the whole eggs into my pocket and I didn’t even have to pay for it. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: I was about to applaud you for that pun but then you WHAT? I'm so glad I didn't try it in the end]

Next was the lemon juice, and my first thought is “what the hell is juice?” I grabbed some Sprite, hoping that Dom could convert liters into teaspoons. Feeling pretty good about myself, the next ingredient was up my alley: white wine. Not my usual choice, but I grabbed a cheap California white and laughed at whoever mistakenly added “vinegar” after white wine in the recipe. I didn’t end up grabbing any mustard “de john” because it sounded… well frankly it sounds gross, and I swear I have some mustard packets left over from burgers last week. Lastly came the cannoli oil, I grabbed a whole box of cannolis because I figured I could eat whatever we didn’t need to squeeze to get the oil. Maybe I’m better at this than I thought? [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: I.. I have no words. Where do I even start with this? No let's not, I'll just show Dom later and rant to him about it]

Now on to the main event. I made the mistake of printing out the whole webpage that Dom sent me, including the stupid intro before the recipe. JUST TELL ME WHAT I NEED I DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOUR LIFE STORY [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Wow, something online-related that you actually understand. Well done Jimmer you're making progress]. After ripping up the first couple pages and shoving them into a frozen pizza freezer [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Well you were making progress anyway. We have BINS] I set off to find the chicken. It took me forever to find because I was too nervous to ask anyone where the breasts were. After being told I couldn’t rip apart the rotisseries I ended up having to buy four whole chickens (so much for that egg savings). [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: I'm facepalming]

Luckily for me the various cheeses were all in the same place. I bought a couple different kinds of Kraft singles instead of the weird bricks of cheese since that seemed easier to work with. Dom can’t be mad at me when I’m so thoughtful [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: He's gonna kill you lol]. At this point I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with the size of the recipe so I laid down in the middle of the cheese aisle to watch Instagram stories until security tried to escort me out. They were nice enough to let me grab the rest of the ingredients as I was pushed out the door. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: Have you ever been tested like.. mentally? You've got something going on in there man.]

I got home a couple hours ago and Perry and Dom still aren’t home. I left all the ingredients out on the dining table so that they would be surprised right when they walked in! Though I am starting to wonder if Dom’s new security system has a smell repellant system too because it is seriously smelling funky in the dining room right now. I’ll have to mention that when he’s home. [PERRYIDTOR NOTE: For anyone actually reading this, me and Dom went out for some actual food before we attempted.. anything. I also needed a good pint to cheer me up about Sody. Don't worry, we brought Jimmy some chicken back.]

Thanks for listening Mr. Laptop you actually helped out a lot. I have a feeling I’ll be talking to you a lot this season!

FROM THE PERRYIDTOR: Jimmy dude, you need to get a better password. I got into your laptop on the literal first attempt. “Halifax1” is not a good password. I'm changing it for you before the Gazette get a hold of your laptop somehow. Hopefully vandalising your blog post helps drive the point home. Why are you even making these things? Who reads blogs anymore? Ah who am I to judge.