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*slothfacekilla* · 03-25-2019, 02:19 PM

Ready to be graded, 1,727 words without formatting I believe.
Heckin @GeckoeyGecko is too busy to answer if he wants money for all his quotes, so feel free to give him a majority of this if he wants it (word count: 759 words from his fever dream discord quotes)

(TL:DR is at the bottom)

Last week here at the Halifax Gazette we sent reporter @sharksisback Todd Swanson to the Halifax Raiders' locker room to get some quotes about their upcoming SMJHL playoff series against the Colorado Raptors. You can read his fine reporting here. While Todd was on scene, one of the General Managers of the Manhattan Rage @GeckoeyGecko suddenly burst into the Halifax media scrum offering quotes.

Todd Swanson was immediately confused. How did Gecko get in the locker room? Why was he offering quotes about Halifax's playoff series? Has he been here the whole time? Swanson, needing to meet his Halifax article deadline, passed off Gecko to his colleague Handerson Pooper to entertain Gecko's mad ramblings.

In order to give Swanson some peace, Pooper was able to lure Gecko into one of the side training rooms with the promise of pineapple topped pizza. This was also a genius move by Pooper because no one else would want that filthy topping on a pizza, so they were alone for Gecko's interview (for the most part).

Pooper closes the door, and before he can begin a question...Gecko:
"Now we can do this one of two ways, either you tell me what to make the quote about and i start with that or i just start?"

Pooper:
"I'm not sure you've done an interview before...do you even know what we are doing here?"

Gecko:
"What are you doing in my office?"

Pooper:
"First off, this isn't an office, there is literally an EKG machine and a mop in the corner. Are you saying this is where you perform your Manhattan duties?"

Gecko:
"I guess you're right, its barely an office, but i like to think that I've repurposed this party room pretty well. Wouldn't you agree?"

At this time Pooper was getting a little worried, and was trying to recall if the door locked behind them when they entered the room, but figured it was best to try to just move forward with the interview and see if he can salvage some actual quotes.

Pooper:
"I didn't mean to insult your... office, and you've definitely done...stuff with it, but maybe let's get back to the reason why we are here?"

Gecko:
"What are you here to ask me about? The playoffs?"

Pooper:
"Well literally nobody asked you to..."

Gecko (not listening to a word Pooper is saying):
"Wait which league is this again? NHL? NBA?"

Pooper:
"Are you kidding me? You are literally part of a front office. Have you been partying with Troy?"

Gecko:
"Ohhhhh, SHL. Yeah that makes sense. Wait shit have the playoffs started yet? Are we winning?"

Pooper, seriously contemplating if his acid flashbacks are kicking in again:
"Are you okay?"

Gecko:
"Stop judging me I've been asleep for the past week"

Pooper:
"That doesn't sound like a good thing, are you okay?"

Gecko:
"Look, man, it's a hard life as co-gm of the Rage, I haven't gotten to sleep for the past week!"

Pooper:
"Wait you literally just said you've been asleep for the past week. Now you haven't slept at all?"

Gecko:
"What do you mean I just said I've been asleep for the past week?"

Pooper:
"Uh.... didn't you?"

Gecko:
"See? It's a hard life! All these damn journalists asking me all these questions, fact-checking my every word."

Pooper:
"To be fair you are the one who insisted you give quotes, I'm not even sure what we are doing here."

Gecko:
"No, YOU stop crying!"

Pooper checks behind him to see if someone snuck in while he wasn't looking. With no one there, he turns back to Gecko:
"Oh... uh, sorry about that."
Pooper is genuinely afraid for his safety at this point so he just goes with it.

Gecko, suddenly sobbing himself:
"Goooooooo sennies"

Pooper silently shifts uncomfortably, not really knowing what the hell Gecko is going on about now.

Gecko:
"NO DON'T STEP ON THAT THAT'S MY COLLECTORS EDITION RAMEN!"

Pooper:
"Oh I'm sorry I didn't see that there. But I have to ask... they make collectors edition ramen?"

Gecko, ignoring the question apparently:
"Say do you have a stove on you I'm tired and don't want to have to go all the way to Luke's office to use his stove. It is all the way in Vancouver, did you know that? It took me a month to hitch hike there last time!"

Pooper:
"Wait, did you just ask me if I'm carrying a stove?"

Gecko:
"Are you kidding me? Fucking nobody carries a stove these days."

The door opens, @Nobody sticks his head in:
"I do!"

Pooper:
"What the hell is going on why are you people in the Halifax locker room?"

Gecko:
"NO DON'T CALL @JayWhy JAY I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHANK A BITCH"

Pooper's camera man, not wanting to get stabbed:
"I have two on me right now"

Gecko:
"See, man? Your camera people are good people. Three stoves between the two of them!  Which ones the best? This one looks shiny."

Geck grabs the EKG machine from the corner of the room, dumps the packet of ramen on it, and turns it on. Gecko:
"OH GOD OH FUCK TOO MUCH GAS, HELP!"

Pooper, sarcastically:
"Great, someone call 911..."

Gecko:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALL 911 PHONE NUMBERS HAVE 10 DIGITS!"

Pooper:
"Second thought, let him burn. Let's get out of here, this is useless."

Gecko:
"NO STOP DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. I haven't seen another human face in years..."

Pooper, decides he has to see where this goes:
"But you play hockey..."

Gecko:
"What do you mean I see faces every time I step onto the ice? You think I keep my eyes open during hockey? Psh, that's wayyyy too scary."

Pooper:
"You know, that actually explains a lot."

Pooper desperately trying to think of a way to get usable quotes, figures he might as well try to get on Gecko's level:
"If the playoffs were decided by which teams ate which ramen flavors, who would win it all?"

Gecko:
"Well, obviously we'd all win, because we all ate ramen.  Quite frankly, though, I dont trust Buffalo.  They import their ramen from Japan, say it tastes better, but it costs like five times as much.  I'm telling you, theres dirty money in this somewhere."

Pooper:
"Are you accusing the Stampede of running a money laundering scheme?:

Gecko, ignoring the question:
"I think @karey just makes sigs for the ramen companies in lieu of payment. Is that even legal? I'm making it illegal."

Pooper:
"I'm not going to let you ignore this, are you saying Karey should be arrested?"

Gecko:
"Of course he should, how can one man be so talented [editor's note: for real, how is Karey so good at graphics?]? That's no man you see there, but a bunch of fungi connected to a mother hub of sig god."

The newest Raider @Trautner Michael Scarn yells from the hallway:
"Karey is a guy?"

Pooper:
"Forget it Scarn, he's rolling"

Gecko:
"LAP has something fishy about them too. I'd tell you what it was if i could smell anything other than weed."

Pooper:
"That doesn't sound like a bad way to prepare for the playoffs to me."

Gecko, talking over Pooper:
"Now, the Rage are pretty normal for the most part, except for @GoonerBear , who puts shredded cheese on his ramen.  We're all sitting there, eating our indomie chicken curry, and this man pulls out his tex-mex shredded taco mix!  Now, I have nothing against shredded cheese, as long as its being eaten by the handful at midnight in your underwear."

Nobody, somehow lowering his head from the ceiling tiles:
"No, Karey is a koala."

As Nobody raises his head back into the ceiling, Pooper is now sure that he is experiencing one of his many acid flashbacks and can't decide if any of this happened.

Gecko, unfazed as usual:
"But, on ramen? I mean he says it's good, but I don't trust him."

Pooper:
"Can you offer any thoughts on the expansion team New Orleans' playoff chances?"

Gecko:
"NOLA ramen? Now, you know Popeye's? The fried chicken joint?  Here's the rumour: NOLA has gotten ahold of the main popeye's plant. They take every third drumstick on the wheel, and throw it into a ramen press.  This makes some kinda weird cajun-chicken-noodle frankenstein, and i mean what the hell was @TheDangaZone drinking to come up with an idea THIS DAMN GOOD?  Like, the bones have apparently choked @JKortesi81 Joe K into a coma, but I'm sure its all worth it."

Pooper:
"Yikes hopefully can check on Joe K there to see if he is alright. I think they'll need him in the playoffs."

Gecko, not one to stay on topic:
"If I'm being honest, I think Gooner stole the whole cheese thing from @Steelhead77.  Did you know Esa puts an entire chicken parm, feathers and all, on each bowl of ramen he eats?  Its like a little lid!"

Pooper:
"I am equally disgusted and intrigued, go on."

Gecko:
"What do you mean there arent any feathers in a parm shut the fuck up am I the interviewer or the interviewee"

Pooper looks around again, bewildered:
"Uh... sorry about that I guess. Can we get back on topic? Maybe who is going to win it all in the SHL this year?"

Gecko:
"Now, my personal favourite to win it all this year?  That'd be NEW, of course. They have a hella strong ramen game.  Wait they didn't make the playoffs?  Well, shit. Guess I need to redo my predicts."

Pooper, sighing:
"Are we really still doing this?"

Gecko:
"Are we?"

Pooper:
"I'm just asking the questions here."

Gecko:
"Thats what you thought loser.  This was all a trick, I deceived you.  Thanks to this reverse interrogation, I now know..."

Pooper:
"I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."

Gecko:
"Less than I did before somehow."

Pooper:
"You know what, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks a lot for your time it has been....special."

TLDR:
Mr. Gecko, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent responses were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.  I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

(not for grading: jk Hecko I love you for your ridiculous quotes and thank you for letting me turn them into media)

***JKortesi81*** · 03-25-2019, 02:25 PM

“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

GeckoeyGecko · 03-25-2019, 02:32 PM

03-25-2019, 02:25 PMJKortesi81 Wrote: “Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

thank u joe k very cool

Steelhead77 · 03-25-2019, 10:05 PM

Gecko, not one to stay on topic:
"If I'm being honest, I think Gooner stole the whole cheese thing from @Steelhead77. Did you know Esa puts an entire chicken parm, feathers and all, on each bowl of ramen he eats? Its like a little lid!"

There is some truth to this...

---> ParmBorg Highlights <---

#1 All-Time SHL Goal & Point Scorer
- First 2,000 TPE Player in SHL History -
- First 400 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- Only 500 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- First GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups -
Esa Anrikkanen Award - SMJHL ROY - Est. S34
Vidrik Onoprienko Award Winner - S45

Dragonite

GeckoeyGecko · 03-25-2019, 10:21 PM

03-25-2019, 10:05 PMSteelhead77 Wrote: Gecko, not one to stay on topic:
"If I'm being honest, I think Gooner stole the whole cheese thing from @Steelhead77. Did you know Esa puts an entire chicken parm, feathers and all, on each bowl of ramen he eats? Its like a little lid!"

There is some truth to this...