As soon as Tor Tuck was released from the helicopter and hit the ground he recognized the feel of the cold granite. He was located at a high elevation and if it was this chilly midday it was going to be even cooler as the sun went down and night was there. After a few cold nights and days covered in mud to prevent sunburn, Tor Tuck’s highlight came when he stumbled across a group of backpackers who were waking up one morning. After 3 days alone, no food, nude, and covered in mud Tor Tuck struggled to get his voice loud enough to be heard. When the backpackers saw him in the distance the bolted in the other direction screaming. Tor Tuck was fortunate enough to choose from several sleeping bags and a quality tent for the remainder of his stay. The dehydrated meals proved easy to cook and kept him well fed. Over the course of the experience he actually gained three pounds, and it was thanks to the fortunate moment where backpackers saw the muddy and naked Tor Tuck and ran for their lives after recognizing he was some sort of lunatic.
Last year when the producers at Discovery Channel asked the SMJHL to do an episode of Naked and Afraid, the league jumped at the chance for more publicity. Since no team actually wanted to participate, the Head Office made the ruling: The last place team at the end of the S47 regular season would have to participate. In come the characters from Colorado:
Ja'Aj Coitus-Wagg - Survival item: Vodka and Kahlua
Julio Tokolosh - Survival item: Chocolate Syrup
Juulius Smonk - Survival item: Endless Juul and Juul pods
Day 1: being true "locker room guys" the three contestants were completely fine in their birthday suits around one another. Something that would throw off likely any other contestant, considering Tokolosh's species hybrid body.
Day 14: The three J's have had a great time so far. The days and nights have basically been a complete blur - thanks to Julio's utters, Ja'Aj's booze, and Juulius' Juuls. White Russians all day every day. Chocolate milk to detoxify. That sweet, sweet nicotine vapor.
Day 21/extraction: While the three comrades are feeling a little bit bloated from all of the lactose, everyone left the wilderness with more than they arrived.
All three are now addicted to nicotine and alcohol.
Hopefully the relative ease in which the team mates survived this carries over into the next season in the SMJHL. Where it can literally only go up from here.
For eko van otter to be dropped deep in the forest would hardly cause him to be naked and afraid. Naked? sure. But afraid? hardly. EVO is a noted forest dweller and has all the skills necessary to survive there for an entire lifetime. 21 days is easy. The producers have done their research, though, as EVO's episode takes place in an arid desert landscape. Van Otter is dropped among a smattering of cacti. As he sets out to find his other participants, he hears a rattle from behind him. He whips around and snarls at the poised rattlesnake, who cowers in fear and retreats to its little snake hole or wherever. After a day or two of wandering, living off of prickly pear from the cacti, Van Otter heads into a valley and sees a familiar face - that of @Gwdjohnson. Excited, EVO starts running towards his teammate until he realized something - this program is for SHL players and Senddowns only!? It is NOT for SMJHL Rookies!!?? So there's no way Gabriel Johnson would be here!?? With a now-skeptical trot, EVO proceeds toward the figure until he's close enough to see, in that very valley, nothing. His Johnson was a mirage.
Otters are used to fairly temperate climates, and it soon became clear that this otter was going to die without intervention. So the show producers swooped in on a helicopter and rescued him lol i lost the show damn
Barry Batsbak was dropped on a deserted island somewhere in South-East Asia. Straight away he started building a basecamp and some shelter to stay dry at night. After that was completed he wanted to go catch some fish, but spotted some jellyfish near the beach, so he didn’t dare go in the water. He found some fresh coconuts a bit further on the beach for some refreshment and something to eat. Going into the jungle he had to watch out every step of the way to net step on anything sharp, not get any cuts that could get infected or anything creepy that’s just out there to kill you. After some time Barry felt something crawl on his back. It was a huge ass spider. Barry screamed and started running blindly through the jungle and bumped into Esa Parmborg. Esa quickly took care of the spider and calmed Barry down with a nice and fresh chicken parm. I don’t know why, but a chicken parm is what Esa brought as his survival “tool” on the island. Esa told Barry that he noticed a fire somewhere close and wanted to go check that out together, but there was a big group of monkeys separating them. After hearing some loud noises coming from the place where they saw the fire, they quickly ran over to see Rainbow Dash fighting off the large group of monkeys with her hockey stick. Esa tried to lure them away using his chicken parm and Barry took a large stick, lit it on fire and started to scare the monkeys away. After a tense 10 minutes things started to calm down. They all went back to Barry’s camp on the beach and managed to survive for the next 20 days to finally be rescued.
Barry lost 20 pounds. Esa needed years of mental help and Rainbow Dash was later arrested for fighting a monkey at the local Calgary zoo.
After being dropped off and left alone in the jungles of the amazon, Toner began looking for his teammates Max Mauldin and Philipp Winter. "Who the fuck signed us up for this? Worst PR stunt ever" Jon mumbled to himself. Armed with his machete, he quickly came across the other two who were equipped with a piece of flint and a tarp. The first few days were uneventful, they quickly erected a shelter with the help of Mauldin's boyscout experience. But on day 13 they were attacked and killed by a pack of caiman while searching for food near the river.
LA Times caught up with GM Niclas Wastlund after the unfortunate incident...
"I don't know who's fucking idea it was to send my three best players to the god damn jungle but they can consider themselves fired. Dumbest Marketing or PR stunt or whatever I've ever fucking seen".
Credits to OrbitingDeath, Tweedle, Incite, Wasty, and Slothfacekilla for sigs!
The GM of the Outlaws stared at the trio sitting in front of him. He relented when Discovery Channel asked for three of his players without putting much of an opposition, thinking that it'd be a good move for the franchise as a whole despite their push towards SJMHL dominance. Yoshimitsu McCloud was one of the three players, his eyes, for the first time in a while visible underneath the helmet, showed signs of sincere and utter boredom. To his side weren't two players, but rather two Discovery execs, who clearly were pissed over whatever had happened.
General Manager: Uh... What can I help you with? Executive 1: Are you kidding? Executive 2: We asked you to cooperate, man. You ruined the series! GM: But I did what was asked, I sent you Donini, Westbroek and McCloud. Almost endangered my team's playoff run there even. What do you want from me? E1: You sent a joker, that's what! GM: I know Westbroek has been busy yelling a lot but still... I fail to see how that could be a problem. E2: Not him! The other one! GM: But Donini is as innocent as it gets- Yoshimitsu McCloud: Boss, they're pissed that you sent me. GM: ...What did you do this time? YMC: Well... they said that I was supposed to survive 21 days away from here. GM: Well, you are a ninja. I imagined you'd do well. YMC: Oh, I did. I think I did too well, in fact. E2: He destroyed the show, sliced pieces of the camera to sell them on the cheap at Manaus! E1: He used the money from that to pay for a two-week stay at the Copacabana Palace with his teammates! YMC: We almost lost Westbroek to one of those favela parties but I... uh... E2: Almost murdered twenty gang-bangers in a single night! YMC: In all fairness, I was doing that in self-defence.
The three looked at him at the same time. YMC: Plus, you took us away seven days in. I'm not at fault if you guys couldn't enjoy Copacabana. Way better than that hellhole you sent us to anyway.
Player Page - Update Page
Former Players: Yoshimitsu McCloud (LW, #64) - Won a Four Star Cup once, knew ninjutsu, picture editors hated him, never tried free agency
Anton Harrier (LW, #90) - Won WJC gold, liked skateboarding a lot, went to the finals with Manhattan, kept his seat glued in LR
Journal log 1:
After complaining about being put in charge of the music my GM's had a great idea. It was a spot on a long running TV series. Ok sounds cool but there was a catch. If I wanted to get out of running the music, I had to blindly agree and not back out of the TV gig. I agreed after being tired of people complaining. So I jumped in a plane, got taken to a remote jungle, dropped off and told to strip... it wasn't optional so now here I am with my 1 survival item being a pen and this journal. I am pretty sure my GM's are trying to get rid of me at this point.
Journal log 2: I am not going to lie, I thought I would be tough in a survival situation but I have no skills to help me survive. It seems that using all my time to train for hockey has left me with no way to fend for myself. I am worried that if I don't find the other 2 people that are supposed to be in the jungle with me soon, I won't make it long.
Journal log 3: I have wandered to the edge of the jungle and back towards the middle and still found no one. I am now 100% certain that this was never a TV show and was in fact just an elaborate way to get me out of the way.
Journal log 4: It has now been just over 3 weeks I think, and no one has shown up and I haven't heard anything but jungle noises for about 3 days now. I think it is finally over. I have run out of bugs to eat.
Journal log 5: I should have just embraced being the music guy.
Journal log 6: The Pride never would have done this to me.
notorioustig IIHF Federation Head
Toast's Idiot of the Year 2021
When being dropped in the wilderness with just two other people, it is important to think strategically when choosing your partners. This is why I did my homework and selected former teammates Hippo Passamus (@Mayuu) and Cedric Robinson (@grok). With Robinson, we have our giant, one-man army who is likely to terrify any wildlife coming our way. For Passamus, he's a literal hippopotamus - he's probably at home in the wilderness, you can ride him, and my research led me to another interesting point in his favour.
Finally, if something went catastrophically wrong during the taping of the show, it would hamstring one of our biggest rivals, the Buffalo Stampede.
We began separated, with the only real goal being to secure shelter, water, food, and then find each other. I found Cedric within a few hours as we both stumbled across a river with fairly clean water. We followed the river and came across a clearing filled with deer. Cedric told me to hold his things before saying "I learned how to do this in 'Nam," which is a sentence you never want to hear in a stressful situation and much less from a 23-year-old. He quickly fashioned a spear out of a tree branch and his pocket knife, which he brought as a survival item. He then threw the spear, missing the deer by about 20 feet. However, it seems this was a decoy, as the deer looked up at the spear only to get pelted by a massive rock Cedric had thrown immediately afterward, killing it instantly.
We prepared to skin the deer and placed it by the river, when to our surprise Hippo burst out of the water, clamped his jaws around the deer, and yeeted it into the trees. Apparently he had been stalking us by walking along the riverbed for hours and was mad that we had stopped looking for him. When we explained that he'd just thrown away dinner, he slinked back into the water, keeping his eyes above the surface and watching us from a distance.
As the days wore on, we eventually settled in by the river, building a rough shelter from both the rain and sun. However, food was a challenge. Cedric's stunt had scared the deer off, and we never managed to recover the carcass of our one successful kill. We grew hungry, and eventually, we became desperate.
I showed Cedric my research into hippopotamus meat, and while he was initially shocked, we soon agreed that we were running out of options. We gave it a couple of days, nervously glancing at each other and our intended victim from time to time. The guilt was oppressive, but so was the need to survive.
One night, Hippo fell asleep on the riverbank rather than submerged, and we knew it had to be tonight. Cedric slinked over to Hippo's shelter and stole his survival item - a machete. He looked at me, I nodded, and without a word, he swung the machete at Hippo's neck.
What none of my research told me, however, was that hippopotamus hide is incredibly thick, and even despite Cedric putting his considerable size into the swing, the blade just bounced right off. However, this did cause our old friend to wake up. I'll never forget the look of betrayal in his eyes as he charged us. We ran as hard as we could, sprinting into the jungle as behind us, the occasional screams of a camera crew member getting picked off by a rampaging Hippo could be heard.
While we eventually lost him, we were in an even worse position than before - no food, no water, no shelter, and we were being actively hunted. We had lost a couple of cameramen, which caused them to use their satellite phones to call in a helicopter to take us to safety. My survival item, a flare gun, finally made itself useful. I fired it, and within minutes we heard to sound of helicopter blades above us. We made our way to an open patch of land, where the chopper had just touched down. Cedric hopped in and began lifting crew members into their seats when a roar pierced the air. An enraged Hippo burst through the trees, headed straight for our only way out. The bullets of an armed guard did nothing, and the pilot was forced to take off. I watched as Cedric and a handful of the camera crew buckled themselves in, weeping openly, as the rest of us ran for our lives.
That was six months ago. It's been about three months since I truly gave up hope on the studio sending help for the rest of us. I don't know how many of the crew are still out there with me, and perhaps this is a case where safety in numbers just means a bigger target for a monster. I do know that Hippo stalks me. I hear him in the water at times, laughing. I find the dismembered body parts of the remnants of the crew sometimes, or sometimes just a hand pointing towards a message written in blood. A message to me, from my former friend and greatest threat.
As I sit here on a quiet night, I wonder if I'll ever make it back home to Hamilton. I hope Cedric is doing well, even if I resent him a little for escaping this hell I created. I hear a deep growl in the distance. I am naked, and I am very, very afraid.
I had to familiarize myself with the show first because it isn't really a thing here in Germany and all I really now it from is the SNL parody with Peter Dinklage and Leslie Jones. So maybe being creeped on by some maneating lady would've been a realistic option for my player for Philipp Winter but ultimately I decided to go a different route. The thing about Philipp is, he isn't really a outdoorsy, nature kind of guy at all. While he enjoys the occasionally stroll through a local park, he did grow up in cities and he did grow up quite sheltered. So for much of this season, Philipp was kind of the third wheel, being paired up with two players who adapted much better to the circumstances: Alex Winters and Esa Anrikkanen. One a grizzled veteran who could somehow create a delicious chicken parm out of little more than a few sticks and berries, the other a youngster who kept babbling on about how he survived in Alaska, so this would be a piece of cake.
Raptors Defenseman Eric Vanderberg was dropped into the wild and stripped of all his clothes and left with his one item, a working Satellite phone.
Honestly, who doesn't pick this option. It doesn't say you can't call and bring people and things to you, just that you have to survive in the wild for 21 days naked. I am pretty sure I can survive naked anywhere, well maybe not downtown Los Angeles but you know you can't pick where they send you. After I order myself a tent, camping gear and food I guess I would treat myself to 21 funfilled days of camping with extra steps while the two people with me, probably @hhh81who flies in from Buffalo and @Ason94 try to rub two sticks together to start a fire.
But provided I can't do any of the above, I don't know. I guess we'd have convos on how awesome the big leagues are and wonder why the hell no one on our team finished with a plus/minus above 1.
Jiggly_333![[Image: KouSaotomeUndraftedSigSmol.png]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/615245208270929998/802234723967172608/KouSaotomeUndraftedSigSmol.png)
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RomanesEuntDomus
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