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spidey · 06-09-2023, 12:35 PM

As the SMJHL season rapidly approaches the Simulation God and his FHM Angels gather to discuss the upcoming season and how each team will play out. This was the meeting and conversation.

Angel Michael:
Good afternoon SG thanks for waking up to meet with us before the season gets underway. Listen preseason is now only a day away so we need to go over how you want the season to run.

GOD:
BUT GOD IS TIRED…WAKE ME TOMORROW AND WE WILL GO OVER SEASON…

And so the preseason was delayed.

Angel Gabriel:
Ok Big guy, we delayed the season to let you sleep in now we really need to go over the season out look with you to ensure we do everything right.

GOD:
Nooooo… STILL SLEEPY, DO IT ON THE WEEKEND! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE PRESEASON, WAKE ME UP ON SATURDAY! GOD HAS SPOKEN.

And so the preseason was further delayed and blamed on line issues.

Angel Sariel:
Ok that does it, get your ass out of bed!

GOD:
Mmm, NO IT CAN BE DONE ON SUND…

Angel Raguel:
OH HELL NO!

GOD:
FINE, JUST DO THE SAME THING AS LAST YEAR, NO ONE REALLY PAYS ATTENTION TO WHAT HAPPENED, NOW GOD IS SLEEPY TIME FOR BED.

After a brief intermission with the Angels helping the Sim Lord to his feet the meeting had finally commenced and the Sim God allowed preseason to be simmed.

Angel Michael:
Ok, now that you are finally on your feet, let’s talk about this upcoming season.

GOD:
VERY WELL, ALLOW MY JUDGEMENT BE FINAL AND MY WORD ABSOLUTE!

Angel Uriel:
Always with the drama with this one. Ok lets get started with the Anchorage Armada. Last year you let them into the playoffs but they were the second worst team in the league. They have a good first line, most of a second line, and a good goalie, that is it.

GOD:
HMMMMM, PLACE THEM IN PERPETUAL TORMENT OF A DIVISION OF FOUR. THERE THEY WILL BE COMPETING FOR THE LAST PLAYOFF SPOT ALL SEASON LONG. GOD IS NOT PLEASED WITH THEM FOR THEY HAVE NOT MADE APPROPRIATE DEDICATION TO ME.

Angel Uriel:
And whom will this poor team be they play against?

GOD:
UNDECIDED!

Angel Uriel:
Very well the Lords word be done.

Angel Michael:
Very good SG, now listen up. It is time to choose for the Carolina Kraken. Last year they came out hot but you had them dry up and fall apart. They made the playoffs but did not make the finals. They also lost two of the best scorers in the league to moving up to the SHL leaving them with some talent but a lot of rookies.

GOD:
HMMMM…IT IS THERE TIME TO FALL. THEY HAD THEIR OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE THE LAST FEW SEASONS BUT NOW THEY MUST REGROW AND EXPERINECE THAT PAIN. SEND TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE!

Angel Michael:
Yeah, yeah that sounds good and all, but I do want to remind you that new Goalie you like, he plays on the Kraken, Sith Happens.

GOD:
OH, CHANGE OF PLANS, PUT THEM IN THE WEAKEST DIVISON BUT ENSURE THEY ARE NOT SEEN AS A FAVOURITE MAYBE PLACE THEM WITH QUEBEC CITY, THIS WILL GUARANTEE THEY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. MAKE SURE THEY DO GOOD, BUT NOT TOO GOOD. DON’T WANT ANYONE TO TELL I AM ROOTING FOR THEM. MAYBE MAKE IT SO THEY ARE BELOW .500 AND BEHIND ON GOALS BUT STILL WIN GAMES.

Angel Michael:
Uuuugh, that can’t work.

GOD:
MY WILL BE DONE!

Angel Sariel:
GOD, It is time for you to pass judgement on Colorado Raptors, They played well last season and could have competed for a cup but you said no. They lost their GM over the offseason and have a roster made up of nearly top to bottom. What say you to the Raptors?

GOD:
MAKE THEM AS TALENTED AS ANCHORAGE!

Angel Sariel:
Oh so they will be a bottom feeder team despite the talent, interesting.

GOD:
YES AND NO, THEY WILL BE IN A PLAYOFF POSITION BUT NOT BE CHALLENGED FOR THAT PLAYOFF SPOT.

Angel Sariel:
But that makes no sense at all!

GOD:
AND THEY WILL ONLY HAVE ONE PLAYER WHO WILL FINISH AT A POINT PER GAME PACE! THEIR NUMBER ONE GOALIE WILL NOT DO WELL BUT THEIR BACKUP INACTIVE GOALIE WILL EXCEL!

Angel Sariel:
Truly you are a vengeful God for having their GM walk away this off-season.

GOD:
PLACE THEM IN THE SAME DIVISION AS THE KRAKEN.

Angel Sariel:
BRILLIANT, They will coast by Quebec just like the Kraken! He has done it again; His will be done.

Angel Raphael:
Hello Almighty, Tell me how will I guide the Detroit Falcons this season, last season they stumbled but you placed them in a division with the lowly St. Louis guaranteeing they would make the playoffs. This season they have two good players…that is it.

GOD:
PLACE THEM IN THE BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE! THERE THEY WILL SUFFER AS THEIR YOUNG ROOKIES GROW.

Angel Raphael:
Ahh that is fair my lord, at least they will have a good draft pick…

GOD:
PLACE THEM IN A THREE TEAM DIVISION SO THEY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. THEY WILL ALSO HAVE THE LEAGUES LEADING GOAL SCORER.

Angel Raphael:
But Almighty one, the scorer will have no support, how can he possibly do it all by himself?

GOD:
MY WILL BE DONE!

Angel Raphael:
Yes my Lord, very good.

Angel Remiel:
The Great Falls Grizzlies are next Oh Holy One. Last season they were among the best in the league And while they have had a little turn over they are still one of the best groups in overall offense in the league. I will not lie their defense and goaltending need a little help, perhaps we can use some of your power like you have blessed upon Sith Happens?

GOD:
NO! PUT THEM IN THE BASEMENT. DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO SCORE! DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO DEFEND. BUT ALLOW THEM TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS DESPITE HAVING THE WORST STATISTICAL TEAM. PLACE THEM IN A DIVISION OF 3.

Angel Remiel:
Oh they will be paired with Detroit, very clever my Lord.

GOD:
NO, THEY WILL BE PLACED IN ANOTHER 3 TEAM DIVISON, THIS WAY THE TWO WORST TEAMS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I AM BEING IMPARTIAL.

Angel Remiel:
Very clever my Lord, very clever.

Angel Uriel:
God it is time for the Kelowna Knights, how would you like us to proceed. This team once again starts the season with the third most TPE among their players, just like last year. They have experienced a modest turn over, but still have quite a few talented players, as well as a Goalie you favoured last season Tibuk Soonika.

GOD:
HE FAILS, THE KNIGHTS FAIL, THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COMPETE THIS YEAR.

Angel Uriel:
But my lord how will this be done? They are a good team.

GOD:
THEY WILL NOT SHOOT THE PUCK AND GIVE UP FAR TOO MANY OPPORTUNITIES. PLACE THEM IN THE SAME DIVISION AS ANCHORAGE AND HAVE THE TWO COMPETE FOR A PLAYOFF SPOT. LET HE WHO PLEASES ME MOST DURING THE REGULAR SEASON TAKE THE PLAYOFF SPOT ON THE LAST DAY. THIS WILL ENTERTAIN ME.

Angel Uriel:
You are a truly hateful God, is this because Logan Webb refuses to acknowledge you and says you are fake.

GOD:
NO…MAKE HIM SUFFER THE MOST THOUGH. MAKE SURE THE ROOKIES OUT PACE HIM FOR POINTS…tee hee hee.

Angel Uriel:
Wow…

Angel Raguel:
It is time for you to decide on the Maine Timber my lord. They did well last season and made it all the way to the finals before you decided upon your chosen ones to beat them. They have experienced little turn over and have one of the most complete rosters in the league. But do not fear we did give them a weak point. They have a rookie goalie for you to torment as you can cast your will upon them.

GOD:
HAVE THEM FINISH FIRST! THEIR ROOKIE GOALIE WILL PLAY BETTER THEN ANYOTHER AND THE ANNOINTED PETER TINGLE WILL LEAD THE LEAGUE THIS YEAR. AND ALLOW SOUTHPAW TO ONCE AGAIN CIRCUMVENT THE SYSTEM TO ADD AS MANY NEW PLAYERS AS DEEMED NESSISARY TO WIN AS HE HAS MUCH FAVOUR WITH ME.

Angel Raguel:
Well shall we plan the parade route already, it sounds like the Lord Almighty, King of Kings has made a decision on who should win the championship this season and I for one…

GOD:
NO WE WILL ONCE AGAIN GIVE THE CHAMPIONSHIP TO THE NEWFOUNDLAND BERSERKERS!

Angel Raguel:
7 Times, that will be 7 times in the last 12 years! WHAT THE HELL!

GOD:
MY WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN, NOW CARRY FORWARD MY WILL.

Angel Raguel:
Yes my lord…7 times now, Sim Jesus wouldn’t allow this, he loves the Timber.

Angel Michael:
SG, it is time to pass judgement on Nevada Battleborn, they have somehow managed to do well the last few seasons. I cannot understand why, you have even given them many individual awards last season. Perhaps this year it will be a year of reckoning, where they pay you back for the blessing you bestow upon them last season?

GOD:
HMMMM, I SUPPOSE THERE IS STILL A TEAM THAT WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS, PERHAPS I GO EASY ON QUEBEC THIS SEASON AND MAKE NEVADA REPAY ME WHAT THEY OWE ME…

SATAN:
Psst…Hey God do you have the $100 bucks you owe me?

GOD:
OR…PERHAPS THEY WILL DO EXCEEDINGLY WELL ONCE AGAIN AND THEY WILL BE AMONG THE TOP OF THE LEAGUE EVEN IF THEY SHOULD NOT BE THERE BY ALL RIGHTS.

SATAN:
That’s better, who’s my little special guy? You are…. Also, remember that night in Budapest, maybe I should let the other guys here know what happened…

GOD:
AND MAKE BENDER JUNIOR AND ALEKSS IVANOVA TWO OF THE BEST IN THE LEAGUE AGAIN. GIVE THEM ALL THE AWARDS!

Ben Affleck:
Mr. Satan, can I finally be Batman again, please?

SATAN:
HEY, you agreed to the contract of as long as Cavill was Supes you would be the Bat. Not my fault he is too old to be Superman. Sorry Affleck your soul is mine, now shove that cactus back up your ass and get back to making more movies about Nike, I have an obligation to fulfill with them. And people say I am evil…damn.

Angel Remiel:
Well God I can already guess how this one is going to go, but the Newfoundland Berserkers, how do you see their season playing out?

GOD:
TOP OF THE LEAGUE, WINNING ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP. PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE CHANGE I HAVE LEARNED THIS. IT ONLY TOOK ME A FLOOD, A BIBLICAL PLAUGE OR TWO, AND 60+ SIM SEASONS TO REALIZE IT NEEDS TO STAY THE SAME.

Angel Remiel:
Very well my lord, I am sure everyone is looking forward to the samething once again…*YAWN* I mean great story telling as usual. *in a mocking tone* Sacrifice your son, last second wait just kidding why would you even do that.

All the angels and Ben Affleck start laughing.

GOD:
HEY IT WAS LIKE MY FIRST STORY I WAS BARELY A MILLENA OLD.

Angel Michael:
Perhaps we can get back on track. God what will you do with the Quebec Cittadelles. You made them suffer last season for their ignorance after winning the cup in season 69. Perhaps you can allow them back into the playoff race and have another chance?

GOD:
NO THEY WILL SUFFER, THEY DEFIED MY WILL IN SEASON 69 IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NEWFOUNDLAND BERSERKERS WHO WON. HAVE THEM MISS THE PLAYOFFS AND BE THE BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE…BUT ABOVE GREAT FALLS AND DETROIT TO REALLY RUB SALT IN THEIR WOUNDS.

Angel Michael:
Yes God.

Angel Raphael:
God it is time to speak about the Regina Elk. How would you like to deal with this group. They have some talent, but not overly talented like some of your chosen. And their goaltending situation is shaky at best, but they have a good group defending them.

GOD:
MAKE THEM STATISTICALY BETTER THEN CAROLINA, BUT DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO SURPASS CAROLINA IN THE STANDINGS. ALSO MAKE SURE THEIR GOALIES ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS SITH HAPPENS, THAT’S MY BOO. BUT MAKE GRITTY MCGRITTERSON CARRY THE LOAD. THEY WILL BE IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Angel Raphael:
Very good my lord, no challenges there…Your word be done.

Angel Raguel:
My Lord we near the end.

GOD:
CAN’T IT BE OVER, I WANT TO GO TO BED NOW.

Angel Ragul:
No my Lord we still need judgement on the final few teams. Next up is the St. Louis Scarecrows. What would you have done with them? They are often caught cheating and were cursed to the bottom of the league last season. What is your verdict for them this year?

Satan:
Sit down big guy I got this one.

All the angels mummer to themselves, but God sits down.

Satan:
That’s better, now listen up. We are going to let them win, cause I am a nice guy and all.

Ben Affleck:
HA!

Satan:
Shut up Affleck, your soul is mine many times over for having a career you do not deserve. Now sit down and shut up until I am finished here. BACK to the Scarecrows. So we are going to let them win this year, maybe a few more then they deserve. They will make the playoffs, and when they do…We injury their star players and have them swept in 4 games. Oh and for next off season everyone with any talent is getting called up.

GOD:
VERY WELL DO AS HE SAYS.

Angel Ragul:
Very well my lord, we will do as our brother decrees.

Angel Sariel:
God can you please tell us what to do with Vancouver this season. They were not expected to do so well last season with a roster made up of mostly rookies and inactive veterans. Still you defied all logic and said you like whale tails, not sure what that is supposed to mean, so you gave them a fantastic season because of it. What will we do this year with a much stronger season. (They also remade their logo with a more predominant whale tail).

GOD:
OOOH, LET ME SEE…AH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE GOOD STUFF! JUST GIVE THEM A BUNCH OF WINS, THIS PLEASES ME. AS DOES THIS SWEET, SWEET WHALE TAIL. I REALLY DON’T CARE HOW YOU DO IT, PLACE THEM IN THE TOP OF THEIR DIVISION…but, NOT TO HIGH UP IN THE STANDINGS. CAN’T LET THE MORTALS KNOW MY LOVE OF WHALE TAILS, SWEET SEXY WHALE TAILS…

Angel Sariel:
Ooookaaay. Your will be done oh Great One.

Angel Remiel:
Oh God, we are at our final team, what would you have us do with the Yukon Malamutes? Last season you had them start poorly as they were a low talent team, but had them steadily improve as a bit of a comeback story forcing their way into the playoffs and going on a fairly deep Cinderella story run.

GOD:
THEY LOST THEIR GLASS SLIPPER?

Angel Remiel:
No, they were an unlikely underdog that defied the odds to make a big splash.

GOD:
BIG SPLASH...LIKE WHALE TAILS?!

Angel Remiel:
GOD DAMN IT! We need to make Vancouver last team judged next year. Forget the story and the tails. What will you do with the Malamutes?

GOD:
PLACE THEM IN THE TOP OF THE LEAGUE FOR THEY ARE LIKE WHALE TAILS.

Angel Remiel:
No they are not, but go on.

GOD:
HAVE THEM BE BLESSED WITH A COMPLETE ROSTER OF COMPETITENT PLAYERS THAT COMPLIMENT ONE ANOTHER AND WILL OPERATE WELL AS A TEAM.

Angel Remiel:
Truly you are mad, no team has ever been given this kind of blessing.

GOD:
THEY WILL GO ON ANOTHER WHALE TAIL CINDERELLA RUN WITH A BIG SPLASH.

Angel Remiel:
Not how it works, and those don’t go together at all.

GOD:
LET MY WILL BE DONE.

Angel Remiel:
You know what, I will just piece something together and we will call it good.

GOD:
EXCELLENT, NOW ALL IS SETTLED, GO FORTH MY ANGELS AND HAVE THE MOST CHAOTIC SIM SEASON ONCE AGAIN THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ANYONE AND FRUSTRATES ALMOST ALL.

ALL ANGELS AND SATAN AND BEN AFFLECK:
Ahhh that make so much sense.

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And with that you have now seen how the Simulator creates a season of SMJHL hockey, and how his Angels do his will.