Login

Faelax · 08-31-2021, 08:27 AM

Man some of those pills are terrifying, but I would choose the purple pill. I know it is boring but I love artificial grape flavor. The orange and pink pills are also tempting. Allergies are a pain in the ass, and sometimes that fame would be nice, but neither are big enough problems for me to turn down a great jelly bean flavor. The other pills all just sound terrible. Having to use the bathroom every 15 minutes sounds awful, as does being blind or having the body of child. The black pill sounds like a ton of work and I do not have that kind of time right now. The worst possible choice is the brown pill. Why would you not just take the red one? It is all of the downside with none of the upside, only an absolute buffoon would take the brown pill. Anyways, you got any more of those purple ones?

Hordle · 08-31-2021, 08:56 AM

First of all these Pills are anti goalie. Being blind would make being a goalie nearly impossible and you don't hit people. Speeds great but we're literally on the ice the longest. So the downside is once again nearly impossible. What is with this leagues anti-goalie agenda hmm?

Anyway, I'd take the orange pill and give it to one of my teammates if they need it. Lots of people suffer from allergies and I'm sure they'd appreciate it. If I was a player then the speed pill would be best. I mean you just run off in a shift when you have to go. Not that hard. Plus the speed would make you beat all defenders and if it's agility and natural speed then it would help with ones dekeing. Or at least one would assume. Strength is great but in a situation like hockey being blind is too big of a penalty.

*takethehorizon* · 08-31-2021, 08:58 AM

Give me the purple pill because I'm a goalie and alot of the other pills don't apply - also because I love grape flavored snacks. I don't see for Kavanagh to greatly increase one stat while losing another completely. The idea of also having to run off the ice every 15 minutes to take a shit probably wouldn't work for a goalie because the game would have to be paused and the amount of equipment that would have to be removed in order to do so would take 5 minutes alone. Fortunately Cillian does not have any allergy problems so the orange pill is off the table. The black pill looks like the second most enticing option allowing Cillian to talk about hockey rather than his bowel movements lol. Regardless, Cillian will be choosing to not take any pills other than the purple because he has worked hard and trusts his SHL training. It hasn't failed him to this point so it would be best not to start thinking otherwise now.

Word Count: 170

soulja · 08-31-2021, 09:57 AM

If i came across such a man, I will easily take the red pill. Speed is an essential skill in almost any sport. If a man such as myself, Ibrahimovic jr., was able to increase his speed by a multiple factor, then imagine the havoc he would cause to the opposition. The dude is a real physical threat with his size already. He also possesses great IQ and has a great vision of the ice. Speed is also great but increasing the speed by a multiple will make him a bullet train. Ain't nobody stopping this behemoth of a man with the added speed. The only downside to this is that he will need to empty his bowel every 15 minutes. But this is a small price to be when you get such a crazy physical boost in speed. With the speed, Zlatan can play defense or offence. No one will be able to stop him and his team will benefit huge with that skill. IN addition, Zlatan will also partake in all speed related Olympic games and win the gold for his nation. I know this isn't fair but that's just how life works. It is survival of the fittest and an apex predator like himself will always stay at the top.

Ragnar · 08-31-2021, 10:14 AM

Obviously Chimkin Wing is an absolute junky loser and takes any pills he can get his hands on, so naturally he would take every single pill, hoping to become a super human god on the ice who shits uncontrollably every fifteen minutes.
Unfortunately, all it did was making him shit himself while being fast, strong, blind, smart, three feet tall, immune to allergies, as famous as a Korean pop star, shit even more, enjoy a grape jelly bean, and fire slash.
This combination of things made him a streaking and genius, super strong diarrhea machine on the ice, and he was quickly banned from competition pending the results of a myriad of drug tests to see what the hell he was on.
When asked for comment, Chimkin Wing was rambling random stuff about the deep state and how Joe Biden is spraying chem trails on citizens in order to turn them into bisexual furries.

Sigs by Me, Merica, High Stick King, Rum_Ham, Jess, vulfzilla, enigmatic, and Carpy

❤!! RIP to the big homies 701 and Mac !!❤

Muerto · 08-31-2021, 10:34 AM

So this is a bit of a coinflip for me between two choices. First option is the orange pill with blazing speed + uncontrollable shidding and farding. I don't see the downside to this because you could blaze around the ice like Connor McDavid which is always awesome. But even if you didn't have his puckhandling and playmaking skills, you'd still score lots of goals because the other team would be less willing to come close to you or hit you if they knew they could come away from it covered in poo. They'd pretty much leave you alone. Of course, your teammates would kick you out of the dressing room and wouldn't let you on the bench so it'd be pretty lonely.

On the other hand, the green pill to make you smart but short ... well that's kind of who my player is anyway, with the Baby Yoda render. Little child-like thing but with untapped Force powers to make him able to be unstoppable. S if the green pill gave me exactly what I was looking for anyway, then I guess I would go for that!

*kenvald* · 08-31-2021, 10:47 AM

Sven took a long time looking at the options presented by the mysterious salesman. In the end he decided to go for the green pill. Since Sven is already under 6 feet tall, loosing another few feet won't do too much of a difference. He's already speedy and agile, so becoming even smaller only improves that and allows him to avoid any potentially lethal hits.

On the ice Sven is now the Einstein of hockey. He can see what'll happen and where players will be before they themselves even know it. Sending passes that initially make no sense but that somehow always ends up on the tape of a teammate. However, when at home Sven realizes that he probably should've consulted with his family before shrinking down to 3 feet. His parents are quite distraught but are trying to be supportive. His friends just can't stop laughing at him whenever they see him. And no bars or clubs are letting him in anymore, since people find it hard to believe that someone who's only 3 feet tall can be above drinking age.

SewingWithNancy · 08-31-2021, 11:04 AM

Purple pill is what ole Gatez-y will be taking. How can you say no to grape jelly beans? In fact as soon as he takes the grape jelly bean, he gets on google and finds the nearest Rocket Fizz candy shop or whatever the LA equivalent would be, (maybe the Jelly Belly headquarters) and buys ALL of the available jelly beans. Except of course for Buttered Popcorn, Toasted Marshmallow, Coconut, Banana, Chocolate, and Tutti Fruity. All of those flavors can go fuck themselves and are not needed in Sean's stock pile. In fact Sean will not only buy all the jelly beans (sans those flavors) but he will also buy ALL of the gummy candies in the store as well. Gummy coke bottles, bears, worms, nightcrawlers, peach rings, apple rings, licorice (black and red), sour patch kids, and even the weird salted licorice. Candy is a weakness of Seans, and that little purple pill has sent Sean into a full downward spiral of sugar induced coma.

WC: 168

Matteo · 08-31-2021, 11:19 AM

I gotta say, none of these sound particularly appealing as a goalie. Let's go through them pill by pill:
Red pill: Speed would be an amazing asset for any goalie, if it didn't come with the price of shitting myself at least once per period.
Blue pill: Strength isn't super important for goalies to have, it's not the worst, would definitely help clear those pesky power forwards from the front of my net, but being a goalie would literally be impossible if I was blind.
Green pill: Goalies don't need to be smart, we're basically just puck-stopping monkeys. Maybe it would help me to read plays and figure out what the opposing team is gonna do and where they're gonna shoot, but that's not particularly helpful when I'm shorter than the net even standing up. Also I don't want to think about what would happen to a child trying to get in the way of a 120 mph slap shot.
Orange pill: This one may help during the late summer and early fall, but my allergies aren't really bad during hockey season.
Pink pill: Assuming I still keep my current goalie talent, I don't think I'm good enough to be under such a microscope all the time. Maybe in a few seasons.
Brown pill: Can I sneak this one to members of the team I'm playing against?
Purple pill: Grape is the worst flavour of jelly beans.
Black pill: That's a thankless job, let's just stick with the current guy.
If I have to choose one of them though, I guess we'll go with the purple pill. It's not a good jelly bean but it's not bad either, and if I don't like it I can brush my teeth afterwards.

Lorec · 08-31-2021, 11:36 AM

Lev will choose the green pill and increase his intelligence ten fold. Hes able to read plays and stays ten steps ahead of all his opponents, with the downside of having the body of a child. Being so intelligent, Lev is able to account for this shortcomings with his smaller body. With the right training and coordination, he can even manage to increase his speed with his new stature and will be able to zip around the ice. Hes able to duck under hits and often goes unnoticed on the ice as no one expects or plans to play against a child; especially one with such intelligence and playmaking ability. Plus another upside is most, not all but most, players in the SHL are pretty hesitant to hit a child and so Lev is often left untouched. So given his newfound intelligence, Lev is able to turn the downside into more of an upside. (154 words)

BarnabasCollins · 08-31-2021, 11:36 AM

Well Kata Vilde is so old he definitely doesn't need any help with his bowels. He does however love anything grape so the purple pill, aka the grape jelly bean would be the absolute choice here. By the handfuls of course. Just like Radar in Mash Kata loves his grape soda too. And Vilde also found a very interesting side effect of all grape flavored items. They load them up with so much dye that it actually turns your poop green. No lie here. It's so fun to take a monster poop in the Dragons locker room and then leave those green turds in the bowl. Then to hear the remarks of his teammates who some literally scream their shock and dismay that someone would foul a toilet in such a manner. It brings up all kinds of questions as to just who the sick bastard is that is pooping abnormal colored stools into the Calgary toilets. So absolutely sign Vilde up for the purple so he can continue his fun.

greencityny · 08-31-2021, 11:48 AM

The blue pill is the clear path for Scott Thorn. Not only is blue a great color, but also I don't have to see my opponents ugly faces anymore when they're being smashed into the boards. The last thing I need to is to get distracted with some schmuck showing pitiful mercy in his eyes. Boom, check into the boards and move onto the next one. Just look at Xenomorph. The real deal, this beast knows how to punish weakly humans. He brutally massacres his opponents and doesn't need to see. His heightened senses lead him to his prey. The blue pill is exactly what Thorny needs. Xenomorph + Thorn this would be a great combination of bone crunching pain. Any team playing against this combo would regret stepping foot on the ice. The other pills look fun, but Thorny is not about fun. He just wants the hardest hits and the most fear on the ice. The blue pill can delivery exactly that.

Omniscius · 08-31-2021, 01:10 PM

I would take the purple pill because Jonas Johansson loves jelly beans. Secretly, Jonas Johannson has a sweet tooth. The effects of the purple pill are merely psychologically and emotionally. By eating jelly beans before a game Jonas Johansson can calm the mind and the body. He's on his game when he's got his jelly beans.

So after having his jelly beans Jonas Johansson does not need to worry about shitting himself between the pipes; he certainly can't afford to give up his height or eyesight; Jonas Johansson does not want to be a kpop star nor does he want to be the new director. Jonas Johansson just wants to keep eating his jelly beans in peace.

Maybe Jonas Johansson can earn a sponsorship and represent the purple jelly beans everywhere. Jelly beans will be the kid's new favourite snack while their gums forever rot away. Hurray for jelly beans.

***Aleris*** · 08-31-2021, 01:11 PM

The red pill obviously. There's only one way enjoy life. Live fast and die young. I'd rather burn out than fade away. If you ain't first, your last! I don't even have the stamina to last 15 minutes in game. I've got 200ft of ice in front of me and I'm ready to go. You better just stack the team on the blue line and watch them all tumble down as I blaze past them. There's only two stats that matter. Speed and Acceleration. I'll skate circles around my opponents.

But jokes on the side effects. My Champions Diet ™ is made up of only Taco Bell. I'm already going to the bathroom every 15 minutes. My locker is right next to the bathroom. I have 5 bathrooms in my 2 bedroom house. Plus, it really is a benefit as I spend the majority of my day stinker-tinkering on my phone. It's the 21st century. I'm trading stocks, checking fantasy football, giving myself a kawaii SnapChat filter every 15 minutes. I see no downside to this pill.

**bbjygm** · 08-31-2021, 01:21 PM

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us