Quote:Ready for grading! Word count: 3,209

Part 1 | Part 2  | Part 3 | Part 4

The fall of last year, I posted a survey on Discord asking SHLers to fill out a simple survey that asked them questions that I thought would help me identify these key things: how old this SHLer is, what country they’re from, and how well I think we’d get along in real life based off JUST the answers to these questions. Now that it’s been two months since part 4, it’s time to bring this back.

Thank you to all participants for contributing to the Bilbo Needs Money Fund.

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PART 5

I am now going to attempt to guess the following: how old these SHLers are, what country they're from, and how well I think we'd get along in real life based off just the answers to these questions.

*Disclaimer: This is meant to be kind of a joke and only taken seriously if it turns out I am too good at guessing.

SHLer #1: @StamkosFan
Yo honestly, I have no idea how old you are. I mean, I have an idea, but not a good one, probably. I know you like to write, that we have had good convos, and you’ve helped me get TPE, but that’s it.

Favorite NHL team and why (without saying "I grew up in *insert city*")?
I am stumped. I didn’t know you liked them just because Steven Stamkos. I thought you liked them because you hated me, because there’s still a bitter part of me that’s not over the 2015 and 2016 playoffs, even though I didn’t think the Red Wings deserved to be there anyway. And now that you like them because of him (unless that “cuz Stamkos” is just supposed to be a “bc he’s great, duh, bilbo” thing), that doesn’t really tell me where you’re from. Florida? Norway? Who knows. Actually, I’m pretty sure I remember you being from Florida, but my memory is not what it used to be at all, so I’m nervous.

What bands or musical artists would you recommend me?
The first two bands’ first couple albums are good in my opinion, but the other three bands are, a bilb could say, not my cup of tea. This makes me think you’re younger now, because the people in their 30s I know who loved those bands growing up when the bands themselves were growing up probably wouldn’t rec them now. Or maybe they would and I hang with punk snobs?

Do you also have way too many black band shirts with white lettering on them? I am guilty of that as well, though I got rid of a lot of them if they weren’t concert shirts. You made me remember I’m still a music snob even though I have no room to talk. Also I already thought you were USA, but now I definitely think that since I relate all those bands to people I know who grew up here.

What TV shows did you grow up watching? If you didn't watch TV, movies or books?
My mom would also answer with this if she was one to type in all caps whilst hyped. I know the kids love Star Trek now thanks to Netflix and CBS All Access (someone wanna hook me up so I can watch Picard?), but idk if someone in their teens or early twenties would say “classic sci-fi.” (They totally probably would.) I am starting to doubt myself more, because I was thinking you were older, but maybe you are in your early twenties or younger. I’m forgetting everything that would help me determine age besides that you’re a writer (which is making me think you’re older, but that means nothing).

Star Trek is great though. I wish I knew which series was your fave. Don’t know what that would tell me besides how we’d get along, but now I’m more stressed about not knowing your age.

Do you cook? If yes, what's your favorite thing to make? If no, what's your favorite thing to order?
So many of the people who answered this survey don’t cook or don’t know how to. This is giving me a new article series idea. If only I baked, I could call it “Baker Bilbo,” but I don’t really bake. We will work on that series next.

Italian food and spaghetti in particular is indeed dope. Even though I am Italian, it is not my fave, but we could certainly get it. I would survive. Glad you like it at least. This makes me feel like you’re younger than I’ve been thinking. Breaking news: Bilbo thinks liking noodles makes you younger. Spaghetti is just not a v nutritious meal, but then again, when people say they like pizza, I’m not automatically like, “you’re under 25.” Idk man. I’m tripped up right now.

We're already best buds in real life. We've got the night free to do anything. What are we doing?
What the heck did you say to me?
I do sort of want to go to every NHL arena someday, so I guess that would be part of that. They’d have to be playing some team I care about though unless you’ve got cheap tickets.

How do you say, "I love you," in your first language?
Hmmm maybe you are 20? Lol. Or ig this is your personality, but WHY IS THIS HARD FOR ME? Also this makes me think you must be from Florida and that I am remembering correctly, because everyone I know who is from there (not who moves there, necessarily) hates their lives and doesn’t know how to express love without sarcasm. Yes, I am making a sweeping generalization based on a couple people, but u know what they say, this is MY guessing game.

Rank these social media sites in order of which one you use the most (1 being the most, 5 being the least, 0 being you don't use it): Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, LinkedIn, TikTok
V interesting. V, v interesting. I know there are younger people who don’t use any of these, and SHL, I have discovered, is a place where this happens more often than I originally thought it would, but this makes me think… nothing. I know nothing.

Give the image url of a meme you'd send me.

Literally put my hand over my mouth lol. I didn’t even remember caring about Quicksilver. Tbh, I like Aaron Taylor-Johnson because of Kick-Ass still. But now I am remembering our Marvel chats a bit. I’m sorry, Stamkos, 2019 was a mess.

SHLer #1 Guessing
Bilbo’s Guesses: This part crept up on me. I’m so nervous.
How old is StamkosFan? 21 or 30 but I’m going with 21
Where is Stamkos from? USA (going with my Florida hunch)
How well would we get along in real life? Based off your music taste, only mentioning Italian food, and making a sarcastic joke about the “I love you” portion, I would say maybe not really well but well enough because obvi we’d get along based on hockey and Avengers memes. I’ve always enjoyed our chats on Discord and I know you’re a writer, so we have that to talk about at parties, but those weren’t answers in this thing. I need to make the hard decisions here for these very serious survey questions.

Real Answers
This is the part where I asked StamkosFan for the truth. My answers have not been altered.
How old is Stamkos? 19 but says “you overestimated my age by less than most people,” so I’m calling this a major win.
Where is Stamkos from? USA/Florida, so you’re excused to like the team that you do.

Bilbo’s Final Thoughts:
I’m confused as to why my brain went, “Stamkos writes. Ignore your hard SCIENTIFIC evidence, he’s obviously 30.” Glad I am learning to not doubt myself as much, despite heavily doubting myself this entire time.

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SHLer #2: @Tomasnz
The first time I ever noticed Tomasnz on the site, I believe it was a nice comment Tomasnz left on one of my articles. And ever since then, whenever I see the username, I go, “aw, Tomasnz,” on the inside. Or tbh, I go “tomaszzznz” because I pronounce things wrong and can’t read.
Now to figure out things about you. Plz still like me after this.

Favorite NHL team and why (without saying "I grew up in *insert city*")?
I did learn this about you before, and it made me like you more.

What bands or musical artists would you recommend me?
This is exactly the kind of person I was hoping you’d be. I don’t know much Reel Big Fish or Lilly Allen, but they’ve always given me the feeling that people who listen to them are chill, just like you, Tomasnz. I don’t know Goodshirt, so I shall listen now.

It has been a couple minutes of music since I went to go get almond butter to eat from the jar, and the one Goodshirt song I listened to was good, ty for the rec. This makes me think you’re past the age of 30 based upon the people I predict would also recommend these artists, perhaps 35+ even, but I don’t know yet.

What TV shows did you grow up watching? If you didn't watch TV, movies or books?
Hmm this isn’t super helpful, because these shows have been very common for years and years in many countries. I still think you’re 30-35+, but I don’t know where you’re from.

Do you cook? If yes, what's your favorite thing to make? If no, what's your favorite thing to order?
Yes, Tomasnz. Yes. We can hang whenever you want. Chicken is the way to my heart and knowing how to cook is very important, because I love cooking with friends.

We're already best buds in real life. We've got the night free to do anything. What are we doing?
Yes again. Best buds who listen to chill music, make chicken, and play board games together. Friday night hype, here we come.

Also, you’re reminding me of my friend Chris and he’s 41, so maybe you’re in your 40s. Chris is v cool, we should all strive to be like Chris. I should see if he wants to make a chicken sometime.

How do you say, "I love you," in your first language?
Hmmm okay. I was about to say Canada or USA here, but what are the odds that there’s a person from Canada on the SHL who doesn’t watch hockey. So, maybe you’re from the U.S. or UK or Australia/NZ or South Africa or idk man. Actually, you could even be from a country that doesn’t have English as an official/unofficial language, and maybe you just learned it first when you were a little Tomasnz. I am struggling here.

Since I cancelled out Canada right away, now that I’m thinking you could be from Canada. I really hope I learn more in the next ten seconds.

Update: I just messaged Chris to see if he wanted to hang out sometime. It’s been a couple months. Thanks for the reminder, Tomasnz.

Rank these social media sites in order of which one you use the most (1 being the most, 5 being the least, 0 being you don't use it): Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, LinkedIn, TikTok
Okay, this helps a little. Since you don’t use the stereotypical young people apps, I still like my guess of 33-40 for your age. Also you just reminded me that I need to post something on LinkedIn for work and now I’m angry ty.

Give the image url of a meme you'd send me.
Confirmed that ily. This song was big when I was an age that is young (I can’t remember exactly), and since I feel like you’re older and cooler than me, I’m just going to guess 34? 37? But really bad at memes could mean anything, but now we at least know you have flaw: not having current, good memes.

Also, without having any data to back this up (when have I ever for any of these guesses), I’m going to say you’re from the USA because “Badger Badger Badger.”

But wait, I just learned that a British person created it and the song reached MTV Europe. But it also reached everywhere else. Why is life so hard?

SHLer #2 Guessing
Bilbo’s Guesses: I don’t feel confident once again, but here we go.
How old is Tomasnz? 36-40 but let’s say 36 because I like the way 36 looks with the name Tomasnz.
Where is Tomasnz from? USA but honestly idk.
How well would we get along in real life? Really well, I think! As long as it’s okay if I guessed everything wrong completely! I like board games and chicken a whole bunch, and the fact that you like sim sports leagues without watching the sport/hockey in particular makes you seem like someone who would fit in with the majority of my board game groups haha.

Real Answers
This is the part where I asked Tomasnz for the truth. My answers have not been altered.
How old is Tomasnz? 34
Where is Tomasnz from? NZ

Bilbo’s Final Thoughts:
I’m v upset that I’m DUMB and didn’t think the NZ in your name stood for New Zealand. Also, looking back on my ramblings, I did guess 34 at one point! So there we goooo! Also, an update, I am getting brunch with Chris on Saturday. Ty for helping me to rekindle a friendship, Tomas.

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SHLer #3: @C9Van
Oh, C9Van. Glad you stuck with Team GB. I know basically nothing else about you, so this should be fun, ty for making me stress out for the next fifteen minutes about your age and location.

Favorite NHL team and why (without saying "I grew up in *insert city*")?
Ah, colour, u say? So Canada or UK here already. But you say “state,” so maybe United States? Are you trying to trip me up?? But since you’re Team GB, we have an awful lot of people from the UK. In any case, I also like the color blue. That is nice.

What bands or musical artists would you recommend me?
I have never heard of PoGo, so I am listening right now to “Do You” that was just released this month. It def seems good despite not making lyrical sense. This is a great jam, tbh.

Just based off the kinds of songs people have rec’d me before, I’d put you at 17-21 in age right now. Also this seems like a Canada or UK rec, but in any case, I am very much vibin with this.

What TV shows did you grow up watching? If you didn't watch TV, movies or books?
Thanks a lot for making me look up what Babestation is, but thanks for your honestly as well. So I’m guessing UK for location and am sticking with a young age lol.

Do you cook? If yes, what's your favorite thing to make? If no, what's your favorite thing to order?
At least you try. Kudos for that. Tbf a lot of people would probably say I’m not great at making pasta either. Am much better at making non-noodle things.

We're already best buds in real life. We've got the night free to do anything. What are we doing?
As long as it’s okay that I’m not very good. If we’re playing Crash Team Racing or Frogger 2, then prepare to lose, but otherwise, prepare to either be better than me or carry me (unless it’s House of the Dead, then I will prepare to carry).

This doesn’t tell me anything about your age, but I’m still sticking with my initial younger age thought.

How do you say, "I love you," in your first language?
I’m not actually sure if I can say the second stared word on SHL, so I shall not lol, but you’re definitely from the UK more than I already thought so! V beautiful way to say “I love you.”

Rank these social media sites in order of which one you use the most (1 being the most, 5 being the least, 0 being you don't use it): Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, LinkedIn, TikTok
I have learned that this is an SHL thing regardless of age, so this means not a lot when the user doesn’t partake in any of the social platforms. Thanks for nothing here, Van. Jk.

Give the image url of a meme you'd send me.
To be honest, I hesitated to go to that website based off one of your previous answers, but that is delightful, yes, ty for the rec. Good to know you don’t have the good memes, though, but I don’t think that’s subtracted anything from my answers.

SHLer #3 Guessing
Bilbo’s Guesses:
How old is C9Van? 18
Where is C9Van from? UK, we’ll say England to be more specific
How well would we get along in real life? You know, I realized for the first time as it relates to these questions that “real life” is also on Discord, but since the inception of this questionnaire, I meant it to be “in person,” so that’s what I’m sticking with. Since I think you are a teenager, it might be a little weird to hang one-to-one tbh lol, but if we’re playing video games, listening to PoGo, and making semi-good pasta, then that sounds like a fun time to me.

Real Answers
This is the part where I asked C9Van for the truth. My answers have not been altered.
How old is C9Van? 28
Where is C9Van from? UK/England

Bilbo’s Final Thoughts: Well, as I was telling Van, this is I think the largest age gap I have gotten wrong thus far (I’m not checking earlier parts, someone else can). At least I got something correct, and that is what matters.

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Thanks to all three of these users for participating in part 5! Stay tuned for part 6-11ish, I think. After that, responses will open once again for anyone who wants to do this, but let’s not fool ourselves, the SHL will crash for good before I finish these.