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W19eaver · 03-15-2021, 01:59 PM

Welcome ladies and gentleman to the very first ever SHL Awards No One Cares About Show. This is the first annual show where we hand out awards to players who really don't deserve anything but hey I'm sure they are still very nice people. As it's the first ever SHLANOCAS we will only be handing out one award for the night and that award is the Ilya Bryzgalov Trophy. The Ilya Bryzgalov Trophy is awarded to the player demonstrating extreme quirkiness. And the winner is........ Phillip Weaver of the Tampa Bay Barracuda! Phillip is a pretty awkward fellow being from an isolated town in northern BC, and that sure has attributed to his weird way of speaking to the media and all the stories of his pre-game superstitions. One such story is that apparently before any game and or practice he has to run around the ice with his shoes on slipping and slidding all over the place before he'll eventually go back to the locker room and put his skates on. What a strange dude!

***Canadice*** · 03-15-2021, 03:52 PM

Tomas Lind is the front-runner for the newly minted award "Guardian of the Goalaxy". The award is given to the player whose largest percentage of ice time is spent in front of the net, be it ones own or the opposition. Of course goalies has to be excluded from the eligibility as it is their sole purpose to stand in the crease during the entire game.

Being inspired by his hero Tomas Holmström, Lind has really showed during the season that he is fit for fight, always seen ramming himself in between the defenders and the goalie. As each team wants their player to win the prestigious award they have become more feisty in pushing away the opposition, even more than before. One would think that the prospect of clearing the view from their goalie or not allowing too many goals would be motivation enough. Lind has shown that he can persevere through anything thrown at him and place himself firmly in the crease whenever he is on the ice.

Massive Coiler · 03-15-2021, 04:34 PM

MVP
Leading Scorer
Best Goalie
Best Defender

None of these hold a candle to the newest individual award: The "I wanted this the most" Award. It is given out to the player who has been deemed to desire this award more than any other person. There are many ways to prove yourself for this award: Begging. Crying about it. The always good call the commissioners while they're at home and threaten them and their families. There are any number of ways you can show that you need to be the next winner of this award, and none of them include anything to do with on-ice performance. Any player, good or bad is eligible for this, so there are several hundred nominees every season. Players who put a lot of focus on their performance and or athleticism are at a disadvantage, due to less time to spend trying to kiss ass or plan kidnappings.

I may not win this season, but heading into regression, this is all I can look forward to in my twilight years.

FinnRhys · 03-15-2021, 05:27 PM

PBE Welfare Claim

FINN RHYS

[Image: hockey__27674.1518661372.1000.1200.jpg?c=2]

EricNCSU · 03-15-2021, 05:29 PM

ISFL PT

***Patty*** · 03-15-2021, 05:48 PM

As a bum-ass player myself it's easy for me to imagine an award for this category. My Award would be the Kunitz Award. It would be given to a player that had a the worst season relative to the TPE of their linemates. I'm on Atlanta's first line with Otter who is 2k+ TPE and Zheng who is 1900ish I believe. It's basically the award for being most carriable. I barely hit 30 points even with my amazing linemates. But Atlanta is a playoff team. This award really demonstrates a players ability to fail regardless of how optimal you make their situation. Truly encapsulating the bum-ass aspect of the award. I barely had any 5v5 points so even with these linemates I still needed the other team to be down a guy for me to be effective. I'm truly a black hole of a player. I can only hope to not be a complete liability next season even though the situation will be much the same. Just with my linemates being one season deeper into regressing.

r0tzbua · 03-15-2021, 05:57 PM

Finn von Murphenstein is a special player. Trust me, I know, because he is my player. He excels in... not a lot of things. At least not on the ice. Playing this season he has not gotten a look for any of the awards probably which is understandable because he did not do a whole lot. He scored a whopping 10 goals with 14 assists and defensively there was not a lot to write home about, so he sure won't get any classic awards. That's why I propose the first time ever SHL cookout award which goes to the player who presents the best 3 course meal in a time of 3 hours. And it is pretty clear that Finn von Murpheinstein will win this. He is a beast in the kitchen (not so much on the ice, but he is working on that) and has been cooking since he was a little boy. Cooking comes as second nature to him. Friends and colleagues told him that his cooking opened up a whole new world for them, and they would not want to go to a restaurant ever again if they had the chance to instead get a meal from him. So the SHL Golden Mouth award should go to Finn von Murphenstein without any hesitation because he would win the cookout no matter what.

hewasajazzman · 03-15-2021, 06:12 PM

when thinking back on Kastrba's career there are a handful of awards i could come up with that he could easily win. to be fair, these awards would praise mediocrity and most players in the SHL would be able to win them. i couldve gone with something to do with being a team player, but i dont know the metrics for all that... so i went with something that could put me up there with some of the greatest names in SHL history: "The Last of the Actives" Award. this award would be given to the last active member of each draft class. i had to go with the "active" stipulation as i was recently told that there is still one player from s42 kickin' around on a roster somewhere. i guess if i retire any time soon id just have to hope that player doesnt come out of inactivity. lets just hope they retire before i do.

mastersheep · 03-15-2021, 06:27 PM

My award is called the Alex Killorn Award for the center with the highest PDO in the league. For there to be an award for that has some merit and to do it by position allows more skaters to get some kind of achievement. Killorn had an amazing PDO compared to every other player in the 2017-2018 season in the NHL, none have been higher in the last 5 seasons and like Ethan Duncan, he’s also a center. Apparently Ethan Duncan’s entire line had the highest PDO in the league and his PDO was 104.4. That’s considered to be lucky, but also it’s hard to say that something like that is unsustainable when it’s over the length of the entire season. It’s really largely due to his linemate Karl Krashwagen turning into the best goal scorer in the league and also having the highest shooting percentage in the league (which helps PDO a lot), but Duncan turned on the red light much more often this season as well scoring 21 goals, more than double his previous personal best of 9 goals that he set in S56. So, while Duncan had a good season, he was really more lucky than good and that’s why he gets this award.

BrewskyBoy · 03-15-2021, 09:26 PM

There are many awards that Noah would be a good candidate for, but without a doubt he would take home the award for Top Toenails. You may think you've seen a nice set of toe nails before in your life, but you haven't seen nothin' until you've seen the puppies that Noah has inside his skates. He keeps his toenails trimmed at a precise 10mm to provide some length for a canvas. The corners of the nails are slightly rounded as to prevent them from catching on socks or similar material, but not too rounded that he would risk an ingrown toe nail. Typically, people may think that painting your toe nails is for ladies only. But Noah thinks this is sexist and figures that all genders should be able to shine via the artwork on the ends of their toes. His nail painting job is always at the top of its game, and puts the folks down at the beauty salon to shame.

inverted · 03-15-2021, 10:51 PM

The Simulation Minor Junior Hockey League is proud to present its latest award! What will soon perhaps be the most coveted of all awards given out in simulation minor junior hockey, The Most Good at Being Not That Bad Most of The Time Award. It is given out at the end of each season to the player who wasn't great or anything but excelled at being not terrible most of the time. Of course this award can't be given out to players that were never bad, because that would mean that they are actually pretty good. Zayne Rotzbua, would be an easy frontrunner for this award, his few really good games came early in the season when his team performed poorly and once his team started to find themselves in the win. Column more often his performance dipped. What an absolutely unbelievable, and despicable, path to claiming the first ever Most Good at Being Not That Bad Most of The Time Award.

*Scrufdaddy* · 03-15-2021, 11:17 PM

The Slip McScruff award has to be an award voted on by the updater team based on the content of the player's updates. However, while my updates are exceptional, I'm not sure exactly what criteria benefits me the most. They are usually giant backlogs of all the TPE for a season in one or two posts, so I may be the most hated. But I also put a lot of care into them, keeping them well organized and clear, so someone with the same claims spread over twice as many updates may be more hated.

It could be based on the season average or trailing average of TPE per post, which aims towards high TPE achievers but also lazy bums who claim all their TPE in the regression post where it all goes away.

To make it thematic to the game of hockey instead of the act of updating, it could be disguised as the player most likely juicing and the updater team would be disguised as the SHL's Health Policy Advisory Committee. Instead of "awarding" the player, the award is more like them submitting evidence of reasonable cause to investigate the player. Slip McScruff would get real good at peeing in cups for the glory of the game Wink

Your Mothers Favorite Goalie · 03-15-2021, 11:31 PM

This is a tough one, because my player used to already have that award, it was the Turd Ferguson. despite being a total pile of garbage, I was a pile of garbage that hit a lot of people so I could get that. Now though I'm not very good at punching so sadly I cannot claim that Undecided

The only award I can think of off the top of my head is the "DGR is Useless" Award. The award goes to the player with a high DGR that really doesnt deserve it. DGR still baffles me at this point, I will have games with perfect DGR where my only real stats are giveaways. Meanwhile last season I would get crap DGRs despite having tons of hits and blocks. I finished 2nd in DGR this season I believe, but looking at my stats, I really dont feel like I deserve that rating. It is all just very confusing and idk give me TPE ok?

HanTheMan_ · 03-15-2021, 11:34 PM

There is an award I have in mind that doesn’t rely simply on your performance on the ice during your season, or any season ever. My proposal is an award for the smelliest member of the league. This can be based on literal stench or if they have a stinky personality. Now I don’t know if this would encourage people to not smell bad or encourage people to be the stinkiest possible. It is truly unknown. This could turn into a weaponized award very quickly. To have this award could make or break your reputation. That’s up to the person who wins it! Own your stink man. Someone who would definitely qualify for this award and potentially win it, would be Hugh Jazz of the Hamilton Steelhawks. Hallsy is the notorious pee pee poo poo man. The stinkiest man ever. It’s in his league username for christ sake. Surely he wins that. He would also be someone who owns that kind of award and boast about it.

Gumbaman · 03-15-2021, 11:50 PM

If we're trying to create an award for a bum-ass player it would be for worst Corsi. I know Corsi is relative to the team but if you're on a bad team and you have a horrible Corsi then you're the worst of the worst. It can be split up into three different awards honestly. One being offensive Corsi, the second being defensive Corsi, and the third being overall Corsi. Let's dive into the first which is Offensive Corsi. There are some defensive players who just don't help the offense at all. Well, they make the offensive suffer worse than Jack Johnson. So the player with the lowest offensive Corsi would get the Murphenstein Award. Next up Worst defensive Corsi award. While this award can go to multiple players because boats are bad. We'll have to name this award the Joseph Weston award. Now, onto the final of the three Worst overall Corsi. This one is reserved for the worst of the worst. The player who doesn't give anything to their team. While it may seem harsh to say that and to give it to a player. It comes with horrible play. I'll name this award the Jack Johnson award.

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