Option 2: Graphic

We call this the "They'll never expect the goalie to take a run at me" à la Hextall in '89.

Written Task: An old-school hockey media boomer of whatever type you dislike the most is complaining about your player and demanding you be traded. Everyone who knows what they're talking about is already calling him a moron, but you decide to get in on the fun. Using your player's burner twitter/X/whatever it is this week account, write a trollpost response designed to infuriate the boomer media host and his fans. The sillier the better. Your objective is to make him angry and make everyone else bust their guts.

Trade Grogu eh that's your answer to what's ailing the Jets this season. He's obviously the problem! Only leading the team in even strength and shorthanded goals, but you know, kind of a bum! Never mind the fact that given his age, the Aurora aren't likely to get back a decent pick or prospect at this point. Unless it's time for a tank ... is it time for a tank? One bad season where the puck luck is non-existent and it' time to break it all down? Not just a boomer take but a doomer take, this is still a team that can compete in the playoffs if they can clean up their defensive lapses! I really don't think trading away a very versatile two-way player for basically the nothing that would come back is a good idea. The one trade the Aurora did make was the better idea, as much as it stings to lose a player like Mads with tons of upside, the return they got back didn't handicap the team and gave a couple first rounders back. I think I will trust the GMs of the team to do what's right and not just knee-jerk get rid of a player just because he has a lot of giveaways!

      S76 SMJHL DRAFT 3RD OVERALL PICK     
        S77 SHL DRAFT 4TH OVERALL PICK         
                     IIHF TEAM NORWAY                      

Hey there, Harold "Buzz" Thompson! Caught wind of your Teal'c tantrum – did you time-travel from the era of mullets and neon leg warmers just to drop this hot take?

[font=Söhne, ui-sans-serif, system-ui, -apple-system,]Teal'c is defending the net like he's guarding the last roll of toilet paper during a pandemic. Meanwhile, you're reminiscing about the good ol' days when hockey sticks were made of wood, and the penalty box had a BYO typewriter policy. Newsflash: Teal'c's slapping pucks into the future, and you're stuck in a VHS rerun.
[/font]

[font=Söhne, ui-sans-serif, system-ui, -apple-system,]I bet you think a hat trick involves finding three matching socks. While you're complaining, Teal'c is out there dodging pucks like they're NFTs and he's the blockchain goalie. Maybe he rejected your carrier pigeon message because he only accepts DMs via hologram.
[/font]

Teal'c's on the ice breaking ankles, and you're here breaking out the abacus to calculate his plus-minus from the Stone Age. Hey, Boomer, ever tried using a smartphone to watch a game instead of squinting at a black-and-white TV?

245 Words

Teal'c of Chulak || Defense || S74 || Maine Timber || 396 TPE ||

Daniil Nikiforov || Winger || S55 || Baltimore Platoon || 2K Club || 

Timo Haas || Goalie || S31 || Los Angeles Panthers HOF || 

Prompt 1

You want for trade Patya? Okay boomer. You am having no idea what you am talking about. Patya Perevalov is one of best players in the whole league! There no way New Orleans am getting fair trade value for such good player. This would make team members much upset! You am such big idiot! Atticus is his best friend and they play much good together! You clearly not having any idea what you am saying. You am too old for be reporting any more, you should have gone retirement many years ago, old fart! You am so washed up! I cannot believe you am still have job! Maybe you should put in for resignation before the dementia am get any worse, grandpa! This is much hottest take I am ever seeing! "NeW oRlEaNs ShOuLd TrAdE pAtYa!" Loser. Get a grip, nutjob. Whacko. You am 2-bit hack reporter. You know what, you am right. They should trade Patya. For Patya. Because Patya is best!

Lore: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Sig: dirigiblejones, Ragnar, & the5urreal

      

Patya Perevalov || RW || New Orleans Specters || Carolina Kraken || Peak TPE: 2081

Name: Patya Perevalov

Age: 24

Birthplace: Omsk, Russia

Height: 6'1"

Weight: 192 lbs.

Number: 10

------------------------------------------------------------

Regular Season Stats

S60 - CAR - GP: 66 || G: 13 || A: 13 || P: 26 || +/-: +4 || SHT: 83

S61 - CAR - GP: 66 || G: 15 || A: 29 || P: 44 || +/-: +1 || SHT: 137

S62 - CAR - GP: 66 || G: 30 || A: 35 || P: 65 || +/-: +7 || SHT: 194

S63 - CAR - GP: 66 || G: 28 || A: 40 || P: 68 || +/-: +25 || SHT: 194

S64 - MIN - GP: 66 || G: 10 || A: 14 || P: 24 || +/-: -43 || SHT: 112

S65 - MIN - GP: 66 || G: 10 || A: 15 || P: 25 || +/-: -44 || SHT: 85

S66 - NOLA - GP: 66 || G: 16 || A: 33 || P: 49 || +/-: +14 || SHT: 147

S67 - NOLA - GP: 66 || G: 36 || A: 50 || P: 86 || +/-: +34 || SHT: 202

------------------------------------------------------------

Playoff Stats

S60 - CAR - GP: 6 || G: 1 || A: 1 || P: 2 || +/-: 0 || SHT: 6

S61 - CAR - GP: 4 || G: 1 || A: 2 || P: 3 || +/-: 0 || SHT: 6

S62 - CAR - GP: 9 || G: 2 || A: 4 || P: 6 || +/-: +10 || SHT: 26

S63 - CAR - GP: 6 || G: 3 || A: 0 || P: 3 || +/-: -2 || SHT: 14

S64 - MIN - Did Not Qualify

S65 - MIN - Did Not Qualify

S66 - NOLA - GP: 9 || G: 2 || A: 3 || P: 5 || +/-: +3 || SHT: 23

S67 - NOLA - GP: 11 || G: 4 || A: 4 || P: 8 || +/-: -4 || SHT: 30

------------------------------------------------------------

WJC/IIHF Stats

S60 - YG - GP: 12 || G: 1 || A: 4 || P: 5 || +/-: -5 || SHT: 9

S61 - UCORCAL - GP: 12 || G: 3 || A: 5 || P: 8 || +/-: 0 || SHT: 25

S62 - UCORCAL - GP: 12 || G: 3 || A: 5 || P: 8 || +/-: +3 || SHT: 24

S63 - UCORCAL - GP: 12 || G: 6 || A: 6 || P: 12 || +/-: +6 || SHT: 33

S62 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 0 || A: 1 || P: 1 || +/-: -1 || SHT: 4

S63 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 1 || A: 1 || P: 2 || +/-: -3 || SHT: 7

S64 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 2 || A: 4 || P: 6 || +/-: +4 || SHT: 6

S65 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 3 || A: 4 || P: 7 || +/-: -3 || SHT: 22

S66 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 3 || A: 2 || P: 5 || +/-: -8 || SHT: 36

S67 - RUSSIA - GP: 12 || G: 1 || A: 5 || P: 6 || +/-: +4 || SHT: 14

------------------------------------------------------------

Career Milestones:

S60 - First goal in game 3 against Anaheim Outlaws

S60 - First OT game winner in game 3 against Anaheim Outlaws (on the first shot)

S60 - Quickest goal scored from the start of a period in game 3 against Anaheim Outlaws (8 seconds)

S60 - First multi-goal in game 3 against Anaheim Outlaws

S60 - First assist in game 7 against Maine Timber

S62 - First hat trick in game 37 against Quebec City Citadelles

S64 - First SHL assist in game 2 against Toronto North Stars

S64 - First SHL goal in game 11 against New Orleans Specters

Awards:

S60 - CAR - Jordan Nugent Hall Award for Most Dedicated Player
S60 - CAR - Alonzo Garbonzo Award for Best Rookie

S61 - CAR - Jordan Nugent Hall Award for Most Dedicated Player

S62 - CAR - S62 SMJHL All-Star

S62 - CAR - Cristoph Klose Award for the Top Forward

S62 - CAR - Jordan Nugent Hall Award for Most Dedicated Player

S63 - CAR - Named an Alternate Captain

S63 - CAR - S63 SMJHL All-Star (voted in)

S64 - MIN - Named an Alternate Captain

S67 - RUS - IIHF Silver Medal

S67 - NOLA - Aidan Richan Award for Most Improved Player

S68 - NOLA - Named an Alternate Captain

Transactions:

S60 - Drafted 5th overall to the Carolina Kraken in SMJHL Entry Draft

S60 - Signed $3,000,000 x 1 year contract with the Carolina Kraken

S61 - Drafted 14th overall to the Minnesota Monarchs in SHL Entry Draft

S61 - Signed $3,000,000 x 3 year contract with the Minnesota Monarchs

S64 - Signed $4,000,000 x 2+1 year contract with the Minnesota Monarchs

S66 - Traded to New Orleans Specters

S67 - Signed 3-year contract with the New Orleans Specters

Pt pass

Option 1 164 words



I, Trevor lahey, normally doesn’t read, much less even respond to things he reads on the internet, but after reading this “post” I just couldn’t pass up this opportunity to let this boomer in on my plans for the future.  I’m not going anywhere bub, get used to my face and name, it’s going to be on every billboard and city bus stop. I plan to do what ever I can so that no mater where you go, you’ll always be reminded of me. I’ll do any advertisement I can, I’ll even do it for free, just so you’ll never be able to escape me. Next, I plan to be part of this organization for ever, once my career as a player is over(but I’m just getting started) I’ll join to the team as a coach/trainer. Long story short, you’re stuck with me bub, so get used to it, you’ll be much happier that you did. Or don’t, idc, I’m not going anywhere boomer.

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Reed Kobo - Winger - #33
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Elijah Jones - Winger - #33 Retired
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Toivo Kosonen - Defenseman - #33 Retired
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Prompt 2

One of the most important parts of being a goalie is being able to stay cool under pressure, especially when you're in your opponents house. If you can't keep your cool than you'll be useless in big games and won't make it far in the league. Being heckled by the crowd is a big part of this so as part of this training is heckling our own goalie in practice. We sit in the crowd and throw out some very detailed and personal insults at our goalie while they take shots. The more personal the better, who knows how much research the enemy crowd will do. If they don't waiver at all when we're heckling then they pass. Saving pucks isn't as important as them staying in the game and being confident at what they do, hopefully we don't hurt him enough so that he calls HR on us, it's all part of the training to win a cup.

[img=0x0]https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/sburbine.gif[/img]


Jay O'Neil || RD || 33OA || Newfoundland Berserkers 
Birthplace: Boston, Massachusetts
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 215 lbs
Number: 27

Growing up, there were always a lot of good drills that coaches put together for us in terms of practice for both the players and the goalies. For some coaches I know, it felt like the goalies getting work in was more of an afterthought and not something that was really considered in drill design. Goalies I know were always fond of the rebound drills but would hate things that basically came down to a 2-0 or something like that that would simply see the forwards pass the puck across the crease.

One of my personal favorite drills that I can remember was the little corner battle drills as those would allow everyone to be involved and utilize skills that are important for in game situations. The goalies like them because even though they were close situations for the forwards to get shots, the goalies would have a good chance and they would be things they would utilize in real games.

Alex Winters||RW||Manhattan Rage||Czechoslovakia #90||COL and STL Alumnus||1755 TPE Peak
Age: 67
Birthplace: Pardubice, Czech Republic
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 225
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season Stats
S42 | COL | GP: 50 | G: 12 | A: 9 | PTS: 21 | +/-: +2 | PIMS: 8 | Hits: 19 | SOG: 71
S43 | COL | GP: 50 | G: 20 | A: 27 | PTS: 47 | +/-: -6 | PIMS: 18 | Hits: 60 | SOG: 151
S44 | COL/STL | GP: 50 | G: 11 | A: 24 | PTS: 35 | +/-: +2 | PIMS: 22 | Hits: 66 | SOG: 125
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoff Stats
S42 | COL | GP: 4 | G: 0 | A: 1 | PTS: 1 | +/-: -1 | PIMS: 5 | Hits: 1 | SOG: 12
S43 | COL | GP: 7 | G: 0 | A: 3 | PTS: 3 | +/-: -2 | PIMS: 2 | Hits: 9 | SOG: 10
S44 | STL | GP: 11 | G: 2 | A: 9 | PTS: 11 | +/-: +6 | PIMS: 4 | Hits: 12 | SOG: 31
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Regular Season Stats
S45 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 18 | A: 24 | PTS: 42 | +/-: +8 | PIMS: 11 | Hits: 28 | SOG: 125
S46 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 19 | A: 21 | PTS: 40 | +/-: -4 | PIMS: 20 | Hits: 63 | SOG: 119
S47 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 11 | A: 16 | PTS: 27 | +/-: -23 | PIMS: 39 | Hits: 64 | SOG: 131
S48 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 20 | A: 21 | PTS: 41 | +/-: -14 | PIMS: 6 | Hits: 42 | SOG: 151
S49 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 22 | A: 28 | PTS: 50 | +/-: +12 | PIMS: 32 | Hits: 84 | SOG: 177
S50 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 13 | A: 26 | PTS: 39 | +/-: +15 | PIMS: 15 | Hits: 29 | SOG: 191
S51 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 15 | A: 29 | PTS: 44 | +/-: +9 | PIMS: 4 | Hits: 47 | SOG: 214
S52 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 19 | A: 35 | PTS: 54 | +/-: +15 | PIMS: 12 | Hits: 35 | SOG: 174
S53 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 14 | A: 24 | PTS: 38 | +/-: +12 | PIMS: 10 | Hits: 31 | SOG: 153
S54 | MAN | GP: 50 | G: 18 | A: 13 | PTS: 31 | +/-: +9 | PIMS: 20 | Hits: 44 | SOG: 123
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoff Stats
S45 | MAN | DNQ
S46 | MAN | GP: 12 | G: 2 | A: 4 | PTS: 6 | +/-: -12 | PIMS: 6 | Hits: 13 | SOG: 32
S47 | MAN | GP: 5 | G: 2 | A: 3 | PTS: 5 | +/-: -1 | PIMS: 0 | Hits: 4 | SOG: 17
S48 | MAN | DNQ
S49 | MAN | GP: 11 | G: 4 | A: 3 | PTS: 7 | +/-: -3 | PIMS: 2 | Hits: 8 | SOG: 37
S50 | MAN | GP: 6 | G: 7 | A: 4 | PTS: 11 | +/-: +7 | PIMS: 0 | Hits: 10 | SOG: 31
S51 | MAN | GP: 12 | G: 6 | A: 9 | PTS: 15 | +/-: +1| PIMS: 2 | Hits: 5 | SOG: 49
S52 | MAN | GP: 19 | G: 8 | A: 11 | PTS: 19 | +/-: -1 | PIMS: 0 | Hits: 6 | SOG: 79
S53 | MAN | GP: 6 | G: 0 | A: 4 | PTS: 4 | +/-: -1 | PIMS: 2 | Hits: 6 | SOG: 16
S54 | MAN | GP: 4 | G: 0 | A: 1 | PTS: 1 | +/-: -3 | PIMS: 2 | Hits: 1 | SOG: 9
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions and History
S42: Selected 4th Round, 30th Overall by the Colorado Raptors
S42: Signed $3M Entry Level Contract with Colorado
S42: Scored first SMJHL Goal at 19:26 of the 2nd Period against Kelowna (5-4 L)
S43: Selected 1st Round, 11th Overall by the Manhattan Rage
S43: Finalist for the Ideen Fallah Trophy for League MVP
S44: Traded to the St. Louis Scarecrows
S44: Won Four Star Cup with STL
S44: Finalist for the Zach Miller Trophy for Most Dedicated Player
S44: Named Captain of Czech WJC Team
S44: WJC Gold Medal Czechoslovakia
S45: Scored first SHL Goal at 5:19 of the 1st Period against Minnesota (4-3 L)
S45: Scored first career hat trick in Game #155 against Hamilton (4-3 W)
S45: All-Rookie Team (unanimous selection)
S45: Ryan Jesster Trophy Winner for Rookie of the Year 
S49: Named Captain of Czech World Championship Team
S49: Bronze Medal, World Championship
S50: Became Second player in SHL History to Score Two Hat Tricks in a Single Playoff Series
S50: Named Captain of Czech World Championship Team  
S51: Named Captain of Czech World Championship Team
S51 Shits and Gibbles League Champion
S52: Won Challenge Cup with MAN
S52: Finalist for the Anton Razov Trophy for Playoff MVP
S52: First Team All-Star
S52: Named Captain of Czech World Championship Team
S53: Named Captain of the Czech World Championship Team
S53: Silver Medal, World Championships
S54: Named Captain of the Czech World Championship Team
S54: Bronze Medal, World Championships


Matej Winters||D||Baltimore Platoon||Czech Republic #53||826 TPE Peak
Birthplace: Hradec Králové, Czech Republic
Age: 42
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 208lbs
SMJHL Regular Season Stats
S58 | ANA | GP: 50 | G: 2 | A: 8 | PTS: 10 | +/-: -28 | PIMS: 25 | Hits: 23 | SOG: 55
S59 | ANA | GP: 49 | G: 3 | A: 12 | PTS: 15 | +/-: +2 | PIMS: 8 | Hits: 28 | SOG: 51
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoff Stats
S58 | ANA | GP: 7 | G: 1 | A: 1 | PTS: 2 | +/-: 0 | PIMS: 0 | Hits: 2 | SOG: 8
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Regular Season Stats
S62 | NEW | GP: 66 | G: 6 | A: 14 | PTS: 20 | +/-: +4 | PIMS: 4 | Hits: 29 | SOG: 63
S63 | NEW | GP: 66 | G: 4 | A: 5 | PTS: 9 | +/-: -28 | PIMS: 12 | Hits: 21 | SOG: 62
S64 | NEW | GP: 63 | G: 2 | A: 15 | PTS: 17 | +/-: -50 | PIMS: 6 | Hits: 26 | SOG: 63
S65 | NEW | GP: 66 | G: 4 | A: 9 | PTS: 13 | +/-: -53 | PIMS: 16 | Hits: 24 | SOG: 80
S66 | BAP | GP: 66 | G: 3 | A: 25 | PTS: 28 | +/-: -31 | PIMS: 34 | Hits: 71 | SOG: 100
S67 | BAP | GP: 66 | G: 12 | A: 24 | PTS: 36 | +/-: -53 | PIMS: 40 | Hits: 98 | SOG: 147
S68 | BAP | GP: 66 | G: 7 | A: 21 | PTS: 28 | +/-: -35 | PIMS: 42 | Hits: 88 | SOG: 130
S69 | BAP | GP: 66 | G: 4 | A: 9 | PTS: 13 | +/-: -48 | PIMS: 24 | Hits: 59 | SOG: 78
Transactions and History
S58: Signed UDFA Contract with Anaheim Outlaws
S58: Selected 1st Round, 11th Overall by the New England Wolfpack


Dominik Winters||C||San Francisco Pride||Czechia #17||1253 TPE||
Age: 19
Birthplace: Pardubice, Czechia
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 205
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season Stats
S70 | STL | GP: 66 | G: 11 | A: 33 | PTS: 44 | +/-: -42 | PIMS: 40 | Hits: 76 | SOG: 108
S71 | STL | GP: 66 | G: 20 | A: 37 | PTS: 57 | +/-: -6 | PIMS: 38 | Hits: 89 | SOG: 163
S72 | STL | GP: 66 | G: 41 | A: 50 | PTS: 91 | +/-: +13 | PIMS: 44 | Hits: 100 | SOG: 275
SMJHL Playoff Stats
S70: Did Not Qualify
S71 | STL | GP: 7 | G: 1 | A: 3 | PTS: 4 | +/-: +3 | PIMS: 0 | Hits: 21 | SOG: 21
S72 | STL | GP: 20 | G: 6 | A: 13 | PTS: 19 | +/-: -6 | PIMS: 13 | Hits: 27 | SOG: 55
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Regular Season Stats
S74 | SFP | GP: 66 | G: 27 | A: 32 | PTS: 59 | +/-: +1 | PIMS: 33 | Hits: 66 | SOG: 214
SHL Playoff Stats
S74 | SFP | GP: 17 | G: 6 | A: 9 | PTS: 15 | +/-: -4 | PIMS: 8 | Hits: 10 | SOG: 36
Transactions and History
S70: Selected 1st Round, 3rd Overall by the St. Louis Scarecrows
S70: Named Alternate Captain of the St. Louis Scarecrows
S71: Selected 1st Round, 5th Overall by the San Francisco Pride
S72: Won 4-Star Cup over Maine
S72: Selected for S72 All Star Game

Alex Winters (retired)
Matej Winters (retired)
Dominik Winters
S45 Jesster Trophy Winner
Challenge Cup Winning Goal Club: S52

Option 1: lol Barry Looks is such a joke. How much do you get paid to talk shit, Barry? Like three cents a word? Lias Ekholm-Gunnarsson makes more in one game than you make in a whole year and he’s literally on a team friendly contract because unlike you, he actually likes the team he plays for. Also, according to Conner Snooks, he has the cutest hair. Do you even have hair, Barry? This is a legit question, no one knows because you are nobody and nobody has ever heard of you. Also, every time you interview anyone they say your breath smells like poop. How does that even happen! But worst of all, and this is true, everyone saw you drinking PBR at the company holiday party last year. Open bar, and this man goes for the PBR. How absolutely humiliating. How will you ever live this down, Barry? I’d move out of town and change my name.

Gunnar Söderberg || IIHF Fed Head - Sweden || GM - Nevada Battleborn
------------------------------------------------------------
Highlights:
S45 WJC | Sweden - Bronze
S46 SMJHL | Drafted 5th OA - Kelowna Knights
S47 SHL | Drafted 2nd OA - Tampa Bay
S47 SMJHL | Captain - Kelowna Knights
S48 SMJHL | Captain - Kelowna Knights
S48 IIHF | Gold - Sweden
S49 SHL All-Rookie Team
S52 IIHF | Silver - Sweden
S56 IIHF | Bronze - Sweden
S57 Challenge Cup - Chicago Syndicate
S57 Anton Razov Award (Playoffs MVP)
S60 IIHF | Bronze - Sweden
S60 SHL | Captain - Chicago Syndicate
S61 SHL | Captain - Chicago Syndicate
S62 SHL | Captain - Chicago Syndicate
S66 SMJHL | Nour Harrak Award (Best GM Duo)

Lias Ekholm-Gunnarsson || C || Winnipeg Aurora
------------------------------------------------------------
Highlights:
S62 SMJHL | Drafted 26 OA - Nevada Battleborn
S63 SHL | Drafted 1 OA - Winnipeg Aurora
S63 SMJHL | All-Star
S65 SMJHL | All-Star
S67 IIHF | Top Forward
S68 IIHF | Gold - Sweden
S69 IIHF | Silver - Sweden
S70 SHL | All-Star
S70 SHL | Aidan Richan Award
S70 IIHF | Silver - Sweden
S71 SHL | All-Star
S71 SHL | Sergei Karpotsov Trophy
S71 SHL | Jay McDonald Trophy
S71 SHL | Sarmad Khan Award
S72 SHL | Challenge Cup - Winnipeg Aurora
S72 SHL | All-Star
S72 IIHF | Bronze - Sweden
S72 SHL | Anton Razov Award
S73 IIHF | Gold - Sweden
S75 IIHF | Gold - Sweden




. : : .

Option 1:

What follows is a post on bluesky by the account Scruff McSlip to an audience of 15 followers:

Wow, I can't believe Joe Old thinks it's finally time for Slip McScruff to be traded. Was signing in a new city every year not enough for Joe? He thinks Montreal is a bad fit but they think he can play 21:30 min per night and ride the top power play unit. I agree with Joe honestly, Slip has managed to stay at -83 so far this season, he deserves to be on Edmonton with a chance at winning the cup. They are +170 on the season, so Slip could probably manage to stay at least at -60 or -70.

Unfortunately, Joe is just obsessed with Slip as he has been for his whole career. He's bitter that Slip made him stay in icy Winnipeg for long enough to set roots, then has jerked him around from city to city in a desperate bid to stay relevant. He probably wants Slip to go back to Los Angeles so he can get a bit of sun before they both bite the dust.

credit to Flappy, ToeDragon, and Carpy

[Option 1]

Mr. Raptors Reporter #5, we’ve all read your article. We’ve all seen your educational history. It’s pretty unnecessary to say what everyone has been saying, even with as true as it is. You’ve never played a lick of hockey in your entire life, and your professional credentials basically are limited to intramural bowling. I feel like what’s more important for you and your fans to remember, is during your 6th grade talent show when you froze in front of the whole school during your slam poetry reading. I remember it like it was just yesterday because I was there, as one of your classmates. We all know you’re only getting on Shadow Fenix because you’re jealous that he became a professional hockey player and you just ended up as a godawful beat reporter for the *checks notes* Colorado Times LOL. Maybe you should give slam poetry another chance. Freezing in front of the entire school would certainly be better than this so called news you put on your channel. Either way, good luck dude.

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