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spidey · 04-10-2023, 11:08 AM

I hope you enjoyed the grades every team earned through the mid-point through this season. By popular demand by a few members. Now it is time for Spidey’s personal rankings on each team and their success, or failure.

1. Kelowna Knights: 17-12-2
Some of you are looking at this and will say it is biased reporting, and you would be mostly right. Still truth be told they are in the perfect place right now. Everyone is underestimating them and they don’t believe they are a top team. That is great for the Knights. They know how good they are, they are in a playoff spot, that’s when they will explode.

2. Nevada Battleborn: 17-8-5
The Battleborn are a great looking team, do not be fooled by the players on the ice, they are clearly demons wearing people skins. Just look at their glowing red and yellow eyes. Some have an extra leg, and an extra arm, clearly an advantage over most teams. The Battleborn try to claim their state was Battleborn, but it is really about the very first battle between good and evil. Hail Satan.

3. Vancouver Whalers: 16-14-3
Uuuugh, I hate putting them here as a provincial rival, but honestly, they are in a playoff position with so much young talent. If the talent stays active, I am legitimate scared what they might accomplish in the playoffs with a few more weeks of training under their belt. Perhaps most important note is, Vancouver sucks.

4. Great Falls Grizzlies: 23-8-1
The Great Falls Grizzlies currently sit number one in the standings, but they sit last in the hearts of all fans of the SMJHL. Also, I did some deep dive research, and their opponents have the most overturned goals in the league. Clearly, they have been paying off the refs with the deep pockets of the Great Falls Grizzlies ownership. I got my eyes on you, you don’t think we know but we know.

5. Barney the Dinosaurs, I mean Colorado Raptors: 23-8-0
Clearly, they have been causing teams to fall over laughing when they look at their jerseys (big blue dino skating around). This has led to their success. But the more you play them the less funny you get, just like any poorly done joke. By the time the playoffs roll around they are going to be on a terrible losing streak as no team will be distracted anymore. Unless they bring out marital aid night and start skating around with strap-ons and suction cup attachments to their helmets.

6. Newfoundland Berserkers: 22-12-1
Fun fact first Europeans to arrive in Newfoundland were Vikings, who are terrible villains that stole, plundered, raped and pillaged hard working good people. Not unlike a current team. Also once they got to Newfoundland they realized it was useless, much like the rest of the league feels about this team. How have they done so well…? They cheated as only a Viking can and does. BOO, BOO, Cheaters.

7. Detroit Falcons : 19-10-1 *UNDESERVED*

Ummmm…how did the Falcons get to 19 wins? I remember them winning like three games this season. Are we just handing out wins at this point like participation trophies? Fine if they can hand out wins, I will hand out this place in the rankings. Also, a UNDESERVED marked beside it.

8. Regina Elks: 13-16-2
But there are teams with better records then the Elks…so what this is my ranking. I honestly thought the Elks would have been so much lower and stretching for 5 wins would have been an accomplishment for the entire season, don’t feel to bad I felt that way for 90% of the teams this season. What they have managed to do is nothing short of amazing. Kudos for a losing record but better then I expected.

9. Maine Timber: 22-8-1
I suppose I should put you in here somewhere. They have done well, but that was expected. Overall their performance earns them a solid C-, a pass, but not a respectable pass. I think of their season as I think of vanilla cake, yeah it gets the job done but you are having it because there is no other choice to have. Congrats Maine on being the Vanilla Cake of the SMJHL.

10. Yukon Malamute: 12-14-7
Who’s a good boy, who’s a good boy…not you, you are not a good boy. I hope that is how every locker room speech goes to start a game, in between periods, and at the end of the game. Their season has been full of disappointment and the team is clinging to a playoff spot with a losing record…sad for the puppers.

11. Anchorage Armada: 7-26-2
This is just where I expected Anchorage to sit. A sinking ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Don’t worry Armada draftees there is only a total of 4 seasons you have to suffer through this until you are released into the SHL.

12. Quebec City Citadelles 12-19-2
If I was to pick one word to describe the Quebec City Citadelles season it would be… Oof. At least that is the sound they made when they came crashing back down to earth after last season’s unlikely cup run and win. Welcome back to reality!

13. St. Louis Scarecrows: 8-19-4
Train wreck. That is all.

14. Carolina Kraken: 14-17-2
WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED! You were the chosen ones to start the season, you were riding high and had the top scores, one of the best goalies. I would have placed a bet on you to finish second to the Knights. The Kraken must have died and was flushed down the toilet and it now floats among the poop of the league.

SUPERSECRET BASEMENT POSITION:

The following teams have or will preform terribly in the second half of the season…you have been warned:

Maine Timber
Colorado Raptors
Anchorage Armada
St. Louis Scarecrows
Carolina Kraken

***BadWolf*** · 04-13-2023, 09:22 AM

Can’t wait to see post season update

ACapitalChicago · 04-13-2023, 01:09 PM

Hail Satan!

S66 Damian Littleton

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