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Accka · 06-29-2021, 03:16 AM

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Big thanks to Pythonic(first sig evah), Sloth(first LAP sig<3) and Ragnar for their sigs<3

Three time playoffs MVP and two time nominee

Triple gold club

Discord: asska

Henrik · 06-29-2021, 04:39 AM

Henrik Lekberg Osterman was approached early in the offseason by a company that wanted to get in on the sports drink market. Previously they had mostly worked on solutions for waste water in industry and thought that their expertise there could be useful in this area as well. After negotiating a lucrative contract, HLO felt pretty good about the whole thing. Until he started hearing that people were getting really quite ill after consuming the sports drink Goo. Some independent parties had managed to find out what was actually in Goo and it turns out it was mostly made up of water and electrolytes (great, right?) but also contained trace elements of mercury, cyanide and a rare form of flesh eating bacteria that seems to exclusively grow in Goo bottles and in the deep jungles of southern Borneo. Luckily, HLO had only had one bottle while he was shooting some advertisements for the product but this may help to explain his slow start this season.

*Zerg* · 06-29-2021, 06:57 AM

Artemius Nystrom was understandably thrilled when he was first approached with an endorsement deal. Like the teenager he is, he inked the contract before researching the product in his exuberance. Unfortunately for Artemius, the product in question was an all-new grape flavored ice cream from Derporius, a start-up creamery in the Netherlands. He had heard that grape flavored ice cream was impossible, but here it was. It tasted delicious, the creamiest ice cream he'd ever had, and that was enough for him.
Unfortunately, grape ice cream is commonly thought impossible due to a grape's high anthocyanin content. Anthocyanin is an antioxidant compound that gives grapes their color and acts like a natural antifreeze; any ice cream made from peeled grapes will become an inedible slush. However, Derporius had cracked the code. Grape ice cream can be made, if you keep the skins on the grapes when you make the ice cream. The anthocyanin concentration becomes so high that instead of a slush, you end up with a delicious frozen cream.
Artemius expected this discovery to take the world by storm, and it did. Unfortunately, grape flavored ice cream is so incredibly toxic to dogs that it's banned from commercial production in the US. If you spill a scoop of grape ice cream and Fido licks the result even once, he'll keel over dead mere seconds later. Derporius, and Nystrom along with them, became notorious as "Those assholes who sell the puppy-killing ice cream."
The contract was mutually terminated days after this discovery went viral, and days before Derporius went out of business to reincorporate under another name and dodge the bad PR.
Feel free to make your own grape ice cream at home, but don't do it if you have a dog.
[300 words]

JayWhy · 06-29-2021, 09:52 AM

ISFL PT Affiliation

An old man's dream ended. A young man's vision of the future opened wide. Young men have visions, old men have dreams. But the place for old men to dream is beside the fire.

Thanks to Jackson, Copenhagen, and Harry Hans!

GOING DOWN IN STYLE. TOAST4LYFE

3lewsers · 06-29-2021, 10:03 AM

One early Friday morning in mid-May, I received a phone call from my agent informing me that Danskin wanted me to be a spokesperson for their leggings. See, they had heard about my routine of wearing their full line of leggings underneath hockey equipment. Their products have always helped me dress easier, especially when trying to put on my hockey shorts. The super-thin mesh helped the shorts slide on with pretty much zero effort as opposed to doing so without Danskin. So, of course, I agreed. However, it wasn't before long that many youth players began following my lead. After seeing the leggings ads where I endorsed the product and its use in hockey, they really caught on. Unfortunately, the combination of moisture and humidity began causing extreme rashes, chafed skin, and intense allergies. In response, Danskin had to request that people stop using their leggings for hockey, fire me as a spokesperson, and deal with a class action lawsuit formed by thousands of youth hockey leagues from all across the world. Even so, I still use them and love them.

Bayley · 06-29-2021, 10:32 AM

The funniest recall that I can remember is all of the Montreal Patriotes T-Shirts had to be recalled because they had the spelling wrong. I think that is extremely funny, but that person that did the mistake is in a lot of hot water. How could you possibly spell the team wrong? I mean, it was close, but not quite good enough. This was not directly tied to me or my player, but I thought it was very funny to see this happen. This is an expansion team so how do you even mess this up? You had to have thought someone was in charge of making sure everything was spelled correct. Doesn't the company have a quality assurance or someone who checks these things? How do you turn the Montreal Patriotes into the Montreal Patriots. I guess you could send this shirt overseas or somewhere where people do not care what it even says. I think it'll be fun to see where they go, but that was a big snaffu.

Words: 174

dankoa · 06-29-2021, 10:34 AM

Unfortunately for Kaarlo Kekkonen, the launch of his patented Texas Renegades BBQ grill unit had to be cancelled and all products recalled after fans took to setting them on fire when it was revealed that he was leaving to play for the new Montreal Patriotes franchise in the SHL the following season. Having spent many seasons with the Renegades as a prospect and player, and even being the team's alternate captain, he was loved by fans and had several merchandise lines released included a brand new barbeque grill. Coated with real gold to celebrate the Renegades cup win, when it was revealed that he would not be spending any more of his career donning the black and silver, the fans of the team took it rather poorly and things escalated to the level that the National Guard had to be called. In order to avoid any similar situations in future, all of the grills will be recalled and safely destroyed. Look out for the patented Poutine mix he will soon release in Montreal to replace this.

Code:
176 words

Wearingabear · 06-29-2021, 11:42 AM

Many years ago, while Igor was still in the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League, he ended up signing on with a company to make Jock Straps. These Jock Straps sold great for years, they included different sizes, different shapes, some hung to the right, some hung to the left, but each one came with Igor's face and beautiful mustache on the front. Including the infamous, Stache Strap. However, due to the pandemic that took over the world, supply chain issues struck hard, labor shortages caused a decrease in production, and demand went high. To combat the labor shortage, the company raised wages and bought an apartment building across the street to offer free housing available for workers. However, such is the effects of being in close quarters, and seeing the same people, some sexual frustrations started to happen at the apartment building. All of a sudden an unfortunate STD wave took over a good majority of the employees. That STD being, Crabs. Yep, the jock strap company that made the "Stache Strap" had been infested with crabs. Somehow, and nobody will admit to it, the raw material had crabs all over it. So when the straps were being manufactured, the crabs had jumped on board and were now on their way to unknowing customers across the country. Once a few hockey rinks started to have outbreaks of their own, investigations were done and now the Stache Strap manufacturer has had to recall all their straps and are putting an immediate pause to production to take care of the issues.

visceralpotamus · 06-29-2021, 12:59 PM

Pasta the Turtle seemed to be an immediate fit for multiple Pizza chains. The teenage mutant ninja turtle angle seemed to fit really well, as well as the fact that most of them also offered a lasagna option, which was...well very on brand for everyone's favourite turtle. While the match made in heaven started off well, rave reviews coupled with royalty cheques being used for a wax job on Pasta's shell, eventually news was released of a new menu option... a barbaric take on deep dish pizza. "Turtle shell pizza," a disgusting riff of of turtle shell soup made its way into a few of the the storefronts. A pizza baked in the shell of a deceased turtle appeared to be a marketing ploy that hoped to capitalize on the star hockey players sponsorship. The pushback was as immediate as it was aggressive. Berserker and Blizzard fans started an instant boycott of the franchise, with Pasta himself leading the charge, demanding the cook him next. His bravery inspired the stadiums in Newfoundland and Edmonton to reject applications for the pizza chain to sell anything in their stadiums. In true SHL fashion, the league itself did nothing to support the non-human players in the league. Silence is violence, and once again the league chose to be complicit in the specist behaviour of their megacorporation sponsors

CrazyMojito · 06-29-2021, 02:46 PM

With Sutton's career to date, lets just say product endorsements are pretty hard to come by and you just have to take whatever comes your way. The biggest deal Sutton has been able to land is for a hair growth product that promises to give you lions mane like hair. Kyle being follically challenged himself thought this would be a good product to get behind. Just work a bit of the product into your hands and then apply to your scalp in a massaging manner.

Seemed simple enough. Turns out that the solution doesn't just work on your scalp, any skin that it came into contact with would see wonderful hair growth results in just a few short weeks. Dubbed "Hairy Palms" the product was quickly pulled from shelves and the hair growth company has to offer a free 12 month subscription to Manscaped for all customers who used the product. Luckily, like Matthew McConaughey who doesn't drive a Lincoln Sutton didn't try this product.

.Laser · 06-29-2021, 02:49 PM

Well, James Kimanje doesn't get sponsored very often and when he does he usually doesn't take it because the product is of questionable quality. However, the one time that a product that sponsored him did have a recall attached to it, it was a mostly non-serious issue. James had been sponsored by a PC company known for their ability to make the PC box light up in as inconspicuous a way as possible. They sent him a PC of his own as well as a monthly $1000 check for his likeness used in commercials and billboards, etc. The company issued a recall on the batteries for the lights specifically, stating that due to circumstances beyond their control, the manufacturers of the batteries that they used had sent them a faulty shipment that would only last for two years rather than 5, and that about a quarter of that case had been mistakenly used in the PCs. The company apologized profusely, sent out replacement batteries to all affected customers, and issued a $100 credit towards their store as repayment for the mistake.

Thanks to EAB and sulovien for the sigs!

AL GRINGO · 06-29-2021, 03:33 PM

PBE Welfare

Lorec · 06-29-2021, 03:47 PM

Lev's first product endorsement deal was nothing short of a disaster. After getting the call and scheduling a date to shoot the advertisement, Lev was shipped his own version of the product to test and acclimate to. They were a new design of tennis shoes with detachable wheels in the heel; however, this new brand had self spinning wheels as well as other miscellaneous features such as LED lights, speakers for music, and all controlled via Bluetooth capabilities. Lev landed the gig due to his fearsome skating capabilities, or so he thought. What Lev didn't know was that the wiring was cheap and prone to shorting out/causing fire in the cheap fabric of the shoe. After shooting his advertisement of the new product, Lev eagerly awaited it to go viral only to see that the product was recalled before even getting released. His own personal pair, shorted out and caused a small fire in his apartment. Needless to say, Lev learned his lesson and would be more careful with his future endorsements.

StadiumGambler · 06-29-2021, 03:49 PM

Nick Brain's endorsement fiasco came when he got an offer from his agent to endorse a new, special recipe being test marketed by Jack Link's, a beef jerky company. Nick is known for his fascination with the food, due to it being a quick source of protein on the go or during a workout.

Unfortunately, the endorsement went sideways, as consumers of the Pepper Blend No. 83 jerky reported stomach problems. The cause of these stomach problems was determined to be the beef jerky actually tasting great, a rarity of Jack Link's. The typical customer, not being used to good Jack Link's jerky, had their stomachs rebel and refuse to accept the food, and Jack Link's faced lawsuits ranging in the nine figures for making a competent product.

Nick was dropped as a figurehead for Jack Link's, and will now be returning to endorsing local farmer's markets and small shops for his beef jerky habit.

***micool132*** · 06-29-2021, 04:34 PM

With the new popularity of Angus Mcfife's Heavy Metal Darklord Thrasher toy replica, comes an upsetting effect from its usage. The glorious hammer must have been cursed by a chaos wizard as it prevents any of it's user to win the cup. McFife's fans all want to win the cup, and having a cursed glory hammer is not ideal. When they use the laser powered goblin smasher, they get an electric shock and that electricity steals their ability to win the cup. The no refund policy is still applied by the toy manufacturer, and when Angus himself was asked about it he replied: I will do anything to Thunder Crash and smash the Wizards but as long as my own ability to win the cup is not hindered, I can't do much, as it would take me away from my main quest. No time for sidequests when you play in the SMJHL, it is very serious business and we can't afford a chaos wizards rising in Colorado. Fans agreed their ability to win the cup was less important than their idol's own ability.

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