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***sköldpaddor*** · 08-05-2021, 11:24 AM

Hey everybody - Gunnar here again. As I’m writing this, we (Chicago) are in the middle of another series with Calgary, just like last year, except this time I haven’t done anything horrible to my knee (yet, I guess, here’s hoping that doesn’t change). I have something I need to tell you all, and I also have a lot going on right now, and I thought writing about it might help, so here goes.

I have always been the kind of person who wants to please other people (like, to the point of being really obnoxious about it). When I was younger, one of the reasons I responded so well to my dad as a coach (before he even married my mom and I thought of him as my dad) was because of the positive reinforcement based methods he used for encouraging the kids on the teams he coached. His praise wasn’t hard to earn, but somehow, it still felt like something you wanted to work for anyway. When you played for him, it wasn’t a matter of being scared of what he would do if you screwed up, but a matter of wanting to earn his approval by doing things right, because he was always so happy for us when we played well. I have always wanted to make people happy, especially the people who believe in me.

And sometimes, if we’re being honest, it’s not good for me, from the perspective of my own mental health. I’m still working pretty hard at being okay with the fact that I cannot actually make all the people happy all at once, and not taking it as a personal failure or a reflection of my own character every time I can’t give someone what they want.

This isn’t to paint myself as some kind of selfless martyr or whatever, sacrificing myself for the happiness of others, it’s not like that. For one, I get a lot of joy out of it myself, and I’ve spent a lot of time chasing that high when I probably should have been paying more attention to a lot of other things. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how it’s impossible to actually please everyone, and why it’s so hard for me to let go of the desire to do so anyway.

I know I’ve let some people down recently, and that’s mostly what this is about; specifically some people on the Swedish IIHF team who haven’t been very happy with some decisions I’ve made. And I didn’t make the decisions by myself in a vacuum, obviously, but I’m the one who made the call at the end of the day, so I will face up to it and take the criticism like the grown ass man I am, I’m not trying to shift that onto anybody else. But I do want to put a little bit of my own perspective out there into the world.

For two seasons now, I’ve been co-head of the Swedish international team (this is our second tournament with me sort of steering the ship). It’s my first stab at any kind of management gig, and I thought…you know, I could be good at this. I love people, I love working with people and working together to find good strategies and all that. I love hockey, obviously, it’s my life. And beyond all that, I love Sweden. I owe a lot to the country that made me - I don’t know who I’d be if I’d been born somewhere else, I don’t know what I’d be doing or where my life would have taken me. But I do know that a good piece of my identity is rooted in the places and memories that formed me when I was growing up. I don’t think that’s uncommon or anything, it’s just…you know, Sweden is home. There are a lot of places on earth, but this is the one that made me who I am, and I am proud to put on the Tre Kronor jersey and go out there and do my best to make everybody back at home proud.

Anyway, when I started this, when I put my name in for the job, I knew why I wanted it and I was confident I could be good at it. I don’t think I was really prepared for what it would be like, though. Ola has been running the show for long enough now that I was pretty confident I’d have some time to learn from him and get comfortable with looking at things from the top down before I had to make all the big decisions myself. That’s not really how it worked out, though; he’s been out dealing with some stuff of his own, and basically all of it has fallen to me. That’s not to say I’ve just been sitting in a dark room by myself making decisions with no regard for anybody else’s opinions, of course; the coaching group we have in there is second to none and I don’t know what I’d do without them (especially FNLN, who has listened to me struggle with some of those hard decisions, who has been the best unofficial right hand man I could have asked for, and who is very deservedly wearing the C for this year’s tournament).

It’s been rewarding, of course. I’ve gotten to do some pretty cool things here, I’ve gotten to learn things about the strategy of the game beyond my own little bubble out there, and I’m still glad I took the job and I’m not going anywhere. But it’s also been hard. Like, a lot harder than I expected it to be, and I know I’m not the only one who’s struggled with it.

So first of all, I want to say thank you, to the whole team who have been so patient with me while I figured out way more things than I originally thought I was going to have to figure out, a lot faster than I ever anticipated having to learn them. I already shouted out the coaches, but I also just want to express my gratitude to the rest of the team, people who aren’t in the coaching group, people who don’t see all of the behind the scenes agonizing and discussing and late nights trying to make all the pieces fit together, but who are good enough to trust in me anyway.

Secondly, I want to say I’m sorry. I know how much it means to me to be able to wear this jersey and go out there and represent Sweden and play for a medal and play to make myself and our country proud. I know that’s something a lot of people want to do. And I had to tell some people they weren’t going to get to do that this year, and that’s without a doubt my least favorite thing about this whole job. I think it’s a thing where…you know, people are upset because they don’t get to play, which is completely understandable, but it also feels like the first time you have to make that kind of call, it sort of changes the way people look at you. We’re going to be having some discussions in our locker room soon that I really hope will make people feel like they have more of a say in the direction of the team, and I don’t expect any of that will be easy, either, but I do hope it helps people feel more included.

But I do want to apologize to anybody who feels like I’ve let them down, and I want to give you all my word that I am committed to finding the best, fairest way to make sure everybody is included and feels like their voice is being heard.

I know you’re probably sitting there wondering where this is all leading, or whether this is just another edition of “Gunnar does word vomit and treats his blog like an extension of his therapist,” but I am going somewhere with this, and here it is.

Unless something drastically changes, this year’s IIHF tournament is going to be my last as a player. I will not be putting my own name on the roster next season; I will very much still be here and I will be leading to the best of my abilities in this management role, but I will not be suiting up to play. This isn’t a retirement notice - I’m still going to be playing in the SHL, this is just…recognizing that I have had my time in the international spotlight, and I think it’s time to step aside and open up that roster spot for somebody younger and deserving.

I’ve had a really good run, I’ve won gold and a silver, and I hope we get it done this year, too. And I was sort of always thinking that my last worlds tournament would be in the season I did retire from the SHL too, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I don’t think I’d be doing right by the younger players in our system if I wasn’t willing to make the same difficult decisions for my own self that I’ve had to make for other people.

Sverige - tack så mycket för allt. Det är svårt att hitta orden för hur mycket jag har älskat att spela för det här laget, och hur mycket ni alla betyder för mig. Ni kommer alltid att ha hela mitt hjärta. Jag har alltid gett allt jag har på isen, och jag lovar att göra det utanför isen också. Tack för ert förtroende. Jag är så stolt av allt vi har gjort här, och jag vet att vi inte är klara än.

One more time, Sweden, you and me, let's get it done.

Be well, be safe, be happy.
-Gunnar
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Henrik · 08-05-2021, 11:30 AM

Mannen, myten, legenden Gunnar! Tre kronors bultande hjärta!

*gurbs* · 08-05-2021, 01:01 PM

Sending love <3 the roster situation is more one you inherited rather than created and I think you’re doing an amazing job navigating through it! I think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself… Now let’s go get that gold!

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