Hey everybody, Gunnar here again. I know it’s only been like a quarter of the season since I wrote one of these and that’s a pretty short turnaround time considering I usually do them once or twice a year, but it’s been a pretty eventful season so far.

Okay so here’s an update on the hockey. I’m not really playing my best. I kind of expected that, coming back from the injury, having to spend the whole off season just absolutely working my ass off to get back in time for training camp, but I guess part of me kind of hoped I would pull off some miraculous recovery and nobody would be able to tell the difference. That has really just not happened, I’m way behind my pace from last year and while I’m still putting points up, I’m obviously not back at the level I was before. But like I said last time, I’m really just very glad to still be playing at all, and I feel really lucky to still get to play this game I love in spite of my own bad choices with the injury thing.

But look, I know that today, most of you aren’t reading this right now to hear me talk about hockey, I’m aware of the elephant in the room, and I do feel like I need to address some stuff before it gets out of hand. To be honest, it’s already gotten a little bit out of hand. (You’ve probably already read this bullshit here, I’m guessing. If you haven’t, well, uh, just close this little window right now and continue in blissful ignorance). I do want to be clear that what was written in that article is a wild exaggeration of what really happened, and I do kind of want to clear the air here because like...this is my life we’re talking about, and something that’s incredibly important to me in general.

I have spent my whole life, pretty much, or at least my entire career so far, talking about how it’s important for us to be open about this stuff, and set an example of acceptance and all that for future generations, so I’m not backing out of that now - this is my story, and I’m going to own it, but I want to make sure you get the actual story from me and Jean-Uhtred and not from somebody trying to spin this as some weird...whatever it is they wanted to say about us there.

Anyway. I wasn’t entirely transparent with you all last time I wrote here. I talked a little about Jean-Uhtred being a friend who’s very important to me, but I was kind of still sorting through a lot of stuff in my head and my heart at the time, and the stuff I said doesn’t even come close to fully expressing how I actually feel about him. Like, everything I said was true - I did take that trade pretty hard, because JURT is one of my closest friends, but he’s also...a lot more than that. So let me just take a stab at the questions I think people are going to ask.

Nosy Person: So what the hell is going on here?
GS: JURT and I are a thing now. Is that enough detail for you?

Nosy Person: How long has this been going on?
GS: Not that long. Like, I guess since we went out to play in Seattle. That’s when I found out that everything was…not just one-sided or in my head, I guess. And yeah, before you ask, that’s probably why I had a shit game that night. I was dealing with a lot at the time, and I hadn’t seen him since before the trade and a lot of things came crashing down all at once. And then I went over to JURT’s to play D&D (we’ve been remote for the off-season and since he got traded, but since I was in town he and I were playing in the same place that night) and anyway yeah it wasn’t just me.

Nosy Person: But like, how long has this really been going on for you then?
GS: If I’m being really honest with myself, probably since last season when he was still in Chicago. We got pretty close after the Cup run, and we really were just friends at first, but I think last season was when it sort of…evolved into something more for me. But I have this whole thing where I absolutely do not cross that line with teammates, that’s always been a rule for me and I’ve never broken it, because I don’t like risking something happening with the chemistry of the team because I couldn’t keep my hands to myself or whatever (that’s not really fair to the other guys on the team, I don’t think). So I just don’t do that. Most of the people I play with are basically like brothers and sisters to me at this point anyway, so it doesn’t come up real often (like, basically never, this is a pretty special situation). But yeah, I was never going to say anything, and also I definitely thought he was straight anyway. And then when he got traded it just sort of...I guess it just left me there alone to think way too much about why I was taking everything so badly, without being able to just...hang out and keep things normal, and why I missed him way more than I expected to. I mean look, I wasn’t in denial or anything, I knew there was an attraction there, but I’m kind of used to working through that stuff on my own and not making it anybody else’s problem. And this felt different, so I had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t just oh yeah JURT’s hot it was more of a fuck I think I’m in really deep here thing.

Nosy Person: So are you like, gay?
GS: If you did not know by now that I am bisexual, you have not been paying attention. I literally could not have been louder about that. I am not here to comment on Jean-Uhtred's sexuality because that is his story to tell and his information to share should he choose to do so.

Nosy Person: Gunnar, didn’t your last relationship end because of long distance?
GS: yes.

Nosy Person: What’s the plan here, then?
GS: I’m going to try again. Honestly, I’m not the same person I was a few years ago, and Jean-Uhtred isn’t the same person I was in a relationship with then, anyway. I’ve grown a lot, and like…look, I love him. There’s a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but I do know that. I know that I like the person I am when I’m with him better than the person I am when I’m not. I know that I’m happier when he’s around. I know that he has my back, and I definitely know he has my heart. So I have to try, right? And I think we’ll figure it out, and it won’t always be that way anyhow, because I’m not going to play forever and then he’ll really be stuck with me.

Nosy Person: Don’t you think it’s a little unprofessional to do…whatever just happened during that game there?
GS: Uh, yeah, I guess, I mean, the game was basically over at that point, but yeah, probably. I admittedly was not thinking with my brain there. Like, listen, guys talk a lot in this sport about adrenaline and about tempers flaring up, about making stupid decisions when the stakes are high and the emotion of the game gets the better of you. We go out there and nobody blinks when we drop the gloves and punch each other in the face. I guess this was sort of like that, I wasn’t really thinking clearly. Also, look, I know that article said we were fully making out on the ice or whatever but that’s...a tabloid, that’s what they’re supposed to do, I guess, blow everything out of proportion. Honestly, that’s why I didn’t want to say anything when that reporter was sniffing around. Not because I’m trying to keep it a secret, but because I think that’s the same publication that’s written some shady stuff about me before. I feel kind of bad they dragged as many people into it as they did, it didn’t need to be this big thing.

Nosy Person: So what actually happened?
GS: Okay, well, for context, please remember I played terribly the last time we met up. So I’m already out there feeling like I have something to prove. I mean, it’s not just JURT, I got other friends there and it’s competitive. Friendly, but competitive. But the way I remember it, it’s late in the third, we’re up by a lot and I’m just thinking about holding the lead. JURT was headed for the net, and I’m thinking, okay, Gunnar, no slouching on the backcheck no matter how many goals you’re up, so I’m trying to pick his pocket and my stick gets knocked up into his face. And then he’s turning around to square up over that and at that point I don’t think he even knows it’s me. But then there’s a scuffle there in front of the net. Guys are pushing and shoving and somewhere in it I’ve lost a glove and my helmet. I actually don’t think the official even saw the initial high stick, but I’m like…shit, I just high-sticked Jean-Uhtred in the face, and my helmet is somewhere on the ice and I need to find that, there’s a lot going on. So I was trying to apologize, and that’s really how it started I think because I grabbed him by the shoulder and I was like “hey, sorry about that,” and I think he said something in French that I didn’t catch, but he was worked up. I played with him for three years, you know, I can tell when he’s running hot about something, and he wasn’t happy right then.

And look, I’ve never been in a fight, that’s not my thing, but it was one of those moments where I think a lot of guys would have dropped the gloves and just had it out. But I cannot stress enough how much I do not want to punch the person I love in the face, even in a hockey context. So I had all this emotion and adrenaline from nearly a whole game of hockey myself - I had four points in that game, it’s a lot of adrenaline at that moment, and so he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him and I truly don’t know which of us went for it first but it was mostly just some momentary closeness and one very brief kiss, despite what you may have read. That’s literally it. He can tell you if he remembers it differently (if he wants to, don't hassle him about it). I will say it was a little out of line in context, but I would like to point out that it’s a little messed up that everybody is totally fine with guys literally knocking each other’s teeth out on the ice but this is what gets the trash magazines all in a tizzy. And wasn’t there a guy a few playoffs ago who was going around licking people or something?

Nosy Person: So you wouldn’t do it again?
GS: Kiss him? Yes, I would do that again. However, if I was thinking clearly, I probably wouldn’t do it in front of twenty-five thousand people or whatever.

Nosy Person: Why would you high stick your boyfriend in the face in the first place?
GS: That was not on purpose, obviously. I’m sorry, Jean-Uhtred, for high-sticking you in the face.

Nosy Person: So which one of you is the…
GS: NOPE.


Okay, anyway, that’s…basically it. I am going to ask that you not bother Jean-Uhtred about this unless he volunteers to be bothered. I have kind of spent most of my life putting myself out there when it comes to this stuff, so I don’t mind answering questions as long as you’re polite about it, but I don’t know how much he really wants to deal with that, so I’m just asking that you give him some space unless he says otherwise.

Be well, be safe, be happy.
-Gunnar
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please split 50/50 between me and @lespoils because this is equally his mess