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***sköldpaddor*** · 10-11-2021, 08:47 PM

Hey everybody - Gunnar here again. I am writing to let you know today that S62 will be my last season playing in the SHL.

This is not going to come as a surprise to some people - I’ve been agonizing over this decision for a few seasons now. There’s a time in your career when that doubt starts to creep in, and at first it’s just a little nagging reminder like “Hey, you know you can’t do this forever, right?” Early on, it’s easy to shut that up, because there are a lot of other little voices saying things like “Sure, not forever but I’ve still got some good seasons left in me,” and “Well we’re surely not there yet, you were only drafted fifteen years ago.” And then you start to realize that you’re trying to talk yourself into playing, when that was never a question before. I always thought I would know when the time came, and I still feel more conflicted over this than anything I’ve ever done in my life, but in my heart of hearts, I know. It’s time.

I’ve known since the playoffs that this was coming, but I have been putting off writing this because I know I am going to fall short of saying the things I want to say. How can words even come close to describing the way it feels to have had the opportunity to live your dreams? I don’t think we have a word for that in English or Swedish, and those are the only languages I know how to write in, so I’m just going to do my best.

Playing in this league has been the greatest honor of my life. It has been everything I dreamed of as a kid, and so much more. I look back on the last fifteen years of my life, and while there are some things I still wish I’d been able to do that didn’t happen, there is absolutely nothing I would take back, nothing I would do differently in retrospect.

I am so incredibly lucky. Some guys spend their whole careers being traded or even asking for trades, trying to find a championship or a good fit. I was so lucky to have found an actual home - not once, but twice, and a championship along the way. I have gotten to share locker rooms with people I have been honored to call not just teammates, but friends - friends I hope I keep for the rest of my life.

I am going to say the same thing everyone usually says - I’m not going too far, I love hockey too much to ever be that far away from it. But I have been in the game long enough to know how this works, and how quickly you fade into obscurity after you hang up your skates (and honestly, I’m looking forward to it - anyone who knows me knows the spotlight has never been my favorite part of all this). I have been incredibly privileged to have the platform I’ve been given to play the game I love and speak about the issues that are close to my heart for the past sixteen years, and I’m aware that when you step away, you lose some of that visibility.

So I’d like to say a couple of things now, while I still have your attention, things I hope remain part of the legacy I leave behind.

I want to remind you all that being inclusive - making this sport welcoming to everyone regardless of their race, nationality, gender, sexuality, etc - is probably the greatest work any of us can do to ensure that this game we all love so much continues to flourish and grow. And I want to remind you that it is work, and a lot of the time it isn’t easy, because people don’t like change and they definitely don’t like to be told that the way they’ve been doing things needs some adjustment. It’s difficult work but it’s work that must be done, and I would challenge you all to find some way you can contribute to it every season you show up to play.

The second thing I want to say is thank you. That doesn’t even begin to cover it, and there are so many people I need to thank and I’m definitely going to forget so many of them, but I have to try. Starting from…well, the start.

Thank you to my mom and my dad for always being my biggest fans, for making so many sacrifices to help me achieve all the dreams I had when I was just a little kid who had no idea what was ahead of him. For being the kind of parents I wish every single LGBTQ+ kid in the world had in their corner, whether they want to be a professional athlete or not. For being my rock and my safe place but still knowing when to push me out of my comfort zone when I needed to be pushed.

Thank you to everybody back in Sweden who has cheered for me all these years. Here in North America, I’ve been one pretty good hockey player out of hundreds of phenomenal hockey players, but when I go home to Luleå, my god, you all make me feel like an absolute rock star. Thanks to everybody I played with on the Luleå J20 team and the MODO J20 team back in the day. Seems like it was just yesterday, but it was more than fifteen years ago now, and I wouldn’t be where I am now without those early lessons.

Thank you to everybody on Team Sweden that I’ve been lucky enough to play with throughout the years. It’s been so rewarding to watch this squad go from the tiny group that put me on the main roster when I was basically still just a kid into a flourishing, full, talented roster of some of the best players in this league. You have all made every worlds tournament such a complete joy to be a part of, and I am going to continue to do my very best to help make sure things just keep going up from here. You’ll all still be seeing plenty of me (I am here in my hotel room at worlds finishing this at the moment), just behind the bench.

Thank you to the Kelowna Knights for drafting me when I was a completely unknown element, for taking a chance on me and setting me up for pretty much all of the success I’ve seen since then. To everybody I played with those three years in the J - so many people; Barry, Nathan, Clapper, Sasha, Dima, Simon, and the GMs (obviously).

To the Colorado Raptors, for welcoming me into your locker room for that one short playoff run. I wish it had been longer, but there are so many of you I still know I’m going to consider friends forever. Julio, EVO, Watter, and Johnny Hamilton (who is cooler than I will ever be), for trading for me and then putting up with my BS on Twitter for the rest of forever - and the people I’ve met through those people who I never actually played with but consider friends anyway.

To the Tampa Bay Barracuda for drafting me and giving me my door into the SHL there. I’m still sorry about S50, but I will hold onto the memories I made there for the rest of my life. Matty K, Flacko, the DuBølk dudes, Olivier, Evans, Blue, Nolan, Nicky K, Fanto.

To the Chicago Syndicate - and this is by far the hardest thing for me to write, because for the better part of a decade now I have lived, breathed, and bled Chicago hockey. This team has been everything to me, the family I didn’t know I needed, the home I didn’t know I was looking for. I will never have the words to fully express how grateful I am and how much I genuinely love you all. I was such a mess when I came here, and you gave me all the patience and support I could have needed while I figured out that this giant life change that devastated me was actually the best thing that could possibly have happened to me. I hope you all know how incredibly grateful I am to have you in my life. You are my family, and there’s really nothing I wouldn’t do for any one of you. I know people talk about us, I know people say stuff about our team like there’s got to be some shady reason why we all want to be here so badly, but people will always have stuff to say about things they don’t understand, and I have known the truth of it, I have been at the heart of it. We have something incredibly special in this locker room, we lift each other up, we make each other better, we win together and we lose together, everything we do, we do as a team, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Patty, sit down and drink your juice. Juke and DD, stop being so hard on yourselves.

Some people I want to thank individually, in no real order except maybe the first and last:

Corey - My mom and dad may only have one son, but you’re my brother, and that’s that. Nobody else has been there with me through absolutely all of it the way you have, and getting to play with you, win a fucking cup with you, that’s just…it’s the stuff of dreams, and I still can’t believe we got to do it (let’s get one more this year, hm?). I know you’re not done yet, and part of me wants to try and stick it out so we can go out at the same time, but you have stuff I never have, that really durable diving-in-front-of-slapshots stuff, and I know by the end of it I’d be a useless shell of a hockey player just taking up space a younger guy deserves while you’d still be over there like “Hm, guess I could retire, or go another five seasons.” We have been through so much together, you and me. The draft (has anybody heard from Chicago?), that trip to Ireland where you guys took me hunting and I ended up making friends with a deer instead, every time you listened to me complain about my own play. You have always had a gift for dealing with my exact brand of melodrama, whether it’s listening to me get excited about something or someone or some new song I’m listening to, or getting drunk together and letting me mope about a breakup or a trade. We have more stories than I can even remember or count at this point. I know I’ve worn the C for a couple of seasons now, but you will always be my captain and I would follow you anywhere. You better come visit me in Sweden, and if you don’t, well, I’ll be back here on your doorstep anyway sooner or later.

Westy - Sometimes I think I'm the player I dreamed about being when I was a kid, and then I watch you play and I think "no, that's the guy I wanted to be when I was a kid." You are a phenomenal hockey player, a force of nature, a natural leader, and I am lucky to call you my friend. Thank you for all the times you've given me advice on my game, all the tips and tricks you've showed me, all of the reassurance you have given me when I was doubting myself.

Shep - My sometimes-liney, my shady rogue, just overall one of my favorite people. You’re one of the best damn Cs I’ve ever been lucky enough to play with, and it’s been so fucking rewarding for me to get to watch you grow into a way better hockey player than I’ll ever be. Playing with you has brought out the best in me, and I hope that in some way I’ve had a positive influence on you, too.

Carpy - It’s kinda crazy that we were drafted in the same year but it took us as long as it did to actually talk a lot. I’m not sure if you know how much that playoffs in Toronto meant to me - I know I kind of just showed up and maybe you weren’t actually expecting me to take you up on that invite, but I was having a pretty hard time that off season and getting to feel like I was still a part of things really meant a lot to me. I am still going to be bothering you all the time with dinner ideas, and maybe if I open a restaurant back in Sweden you can come and visit.

Ruggsy - We aren’t the same draft class, we’ve never played on the same team, but it’s funny how mutual acquaintances and playing D&D together can just cement a friendship. I’m so glad I’ve gotten to know you, and so glad I stayed in touch with the Raptors gang long enough for that to happen. It’s been so cool to watch you step into management, I think you have a natural gift for it, and the Raptors are very lucky to have you.

Johnny Hamilton - I know I already mentioned you in the Colorado section briefly, but I gotta add on to that. I don’t know if it’s weird to be buds with your agent but I honestly consider you one of my best friends, not just like, the guy I pay to get me paid, and I am infinitely grateful for all of your advice and your friendship over the past few years. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit and for being a great person to DM, a fantastic agent, a constant source of quality advice, a good friend, and for just everything in general.

Bergy - despite the fact that your SHL team has caused me immense heartache at several points in my life, I always manage to find a little happiness even in the worst of it knowing it means you and the other folks in Buffalo who have been good to me are finding success. You’re one of my best friends on the whole Swedish squad and I look forward to hanging out with you every year when we all head off to worlds. I still haven’t figured out how to do that supremely cool braid you always do for me, even though I have six sisters who have tried to teach me. You’re one of the most badass hockey players I know and I’m proud to have played with you.

FNLN - You know, it’s funny, I don’t actually remember you actually transferring to Sweden. I know it happened at some point, and it must have been while I was on the team because I’ve been on the team my whole career and you’re younger than me, but I don’t remember it actually happening. I think that’s because it sort of feels like you’ve always been part of the team, you’ve always been involved and invested and such a fixture and a quiet source of confidence there that when it came time for me to actually pick somebody to head things up with me, it was a no-brainer for me. I’m really looking forward to what we get done this year at worlds.

Ola and Lily - I don’t even know where our Swedish team would be without you guys. I am doing my damndest to fill the enormous shoes you left behind; it’s a tall order, but I’m giving it my best and I hope I can live up to the standard you set. The team we have is really something impressive, and I know it would not be what it is without all of the work the two of you did to get us here, so I have to thank you for putting me in such an amazing position for this next leg of my life in hockey. You’ve both been amazing mentors and great friends to me, and I can’t thank you enough.

Mat - I am so incredibly proud of you, of the way you have kept us all in games the rest of us didn’t even deserve to be in at times, the way you have stepped up and become such an amazing presence in the locker room. I know as well as anybody that it’s a little harder, when you don’t have the juniors background with a lot of the guys to build on, but you have cemented yourself as an unquestionable and invaluable part of this team, not just on the ice but as a person. I feel incredibly lucky to have had the chance to play in front of you, and I can’t wait to watch the rest of your career.

And that brings me to the last person I need to thank.

Jean-Uhtred. My heart, my soul, my love. There’s not much I could say here that I haven’t already told you, but I hope you’re aware that knowing you, playing with you, loving you, has brought me as close as I’ve ever been to becoming the person I want to be in this world. You make all the best moments better, you make me better, and all the bad stuff seems to suck a little less when I have you to talk to about it. You are the love of my life - every mistake I’ve ever made, everything in my life that’s ever not turned out the way I wanted, every decision I’ve ever made, I am glad for all of it because all of it led me to you. Thank you for putting up with me, for loving me even when I haven’t been particularly fond of myself, for getting me through some shit and being there for me way before we were anything more than friends. After this year, you’re really stuck with me, and maybe I’ll finally have time to learn French.
—

My career has been my own. I’ve had some people be pretty blunt about my chances of ever being a HOF player, and they’re almost definitely right, but you know…I’m at peace with that. I’ve gotten to live my childhood dreams for sixteen years now - seventeen, by the time this next season wraps up - and it has been everything I could have hoped for and more. I hope we're able to make one more really good shot at another Cup this year, but if we don't, if I walk away with only what I have, it is enough. It is everything.

I love you all infinitely. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Be well, be safe, be happy.
Gunnar
[x]

Previous posts:
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I would like to make sure everybody knows that this is by no means a comprehensive list of all of the people on this site who have been important to me personally as a user over the past three(ish) years. This is a thank you entirely in-character from Gunnar to the people who have been the largest part of his narrative. If you aren't in this letter, it's not because I don't love you, and if you want me to say something nice about you just hit me up on discord. (This especially applies to the Nevada Battleborn, because Gunnar is not canonically connected to the team whatsoever, even though I appreciate you all immensely and I can't wait to have a player out there with you)

***micool132*** · 10-11-2021, 08:53 PM

wow! that's a big news! Enjoy your last season Gunnar, when you were drafted in Kelowna I knew we had just acquired a special player and you went on to have an amazing carreer! See you around!

JNH · 10-11-2021, 08:55 PM

fuck

my night is ruined

Nhamlet · 10-11-2021, 08:56 PM

I was lucky to have a career overlap with Gunnar. What a role model to learn from.

Matteo · 10-11-2021, 08:57 PM

Jess gonna make me cry ;_;

Even if Gunnar won't be on the team for much longer you'll always be a Chicago <3 <3 <3

***Fantobens*** · 10-11-2021, 09:22 PM

The swerve

***Patty*** · 10-11-2021, 09:32 PM

Enjoy retirement Gunnar, let's get you a Cup on this last ride

hhh81 · 10-11-2021, 09:43 PM

Pour a few out for Gunnar, a dramatic king!

***mer*** · 10-11-2021, 09:46 PM

oh nooo I recently read through only son of the fallen snow, I don't even know Gunnar that well.... and yet I am crying in the club. May you have an excellent final season!!

*gurbs* · 10-11-2021, 10:10 PM

Let’s get the farewell tour started, Gunnar definitely deserves it. Getting to know you over the years has been a blast and I am always happy when we get to step on the ice together, whether as opponents or teammates. The SHL is going to be losing an amazing player but I’m glad I get to experience some more time with you as we guide Team Sweden to the promise land! Thank you for being such an amazing person and I’ll be cheering and following along intently as you go through your final year. Cheers!

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